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Hope I'm not too "old" to ask questions on this site - really need advice from anybody who maybe understands, so here goes. Background: Young 52, widowed 8 years ago when only daughter 10. After 3 years creating new home on shoestring budget decided time to make new friends and explored Internet Dating. Talked to just 2 men, met one and knew immediately it was going to be good.
Daughter hated him with such depth/anger that we sought professional counselling and happy to say that after 3 tough years she accepted and has grown into a lovely young lady. I've been so happy and felt I had found my soulmate. The problem is ...... soulmate (we live 50 miles apart but divide week between 2 houses) has started to distance himself and be less caring/loving after Christmas. Said he needed space and wasn't sure of love anymore.
I'm devastated - talked of future dreams and thought we'd grow old together (he has older daughters and good relationship with ex wife). I'm not pushing for marriage and just can't understand how we have reached this point of separation so suddenly. Now feeling so lost and empty. Struggling to hold it together for daughter (now 17 and she's feeling guilty for the bad start)and it's hard to focus at work. Can't sleep, cry more than ever did when husband died and simply do not understand what's going on. How can a strong, warm, funny, romantic relationship change like that? He has no answers and says doesn't want to hurt me more by prolonging things if there is no future. We've only exchanged a couple of texts in last month and I am so very hurt, it's unbearable. Would appreciate any words of wisdom to help me get through this nightmare.
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Relationship Shock - where do I go from here? |
(84 Posts) |
Oh come on, let's get your sparkle back. It's not lost, just slightly dimmed temporarily. I've had a quick look at Beautiful's thread and I think it's excellent. I like her attitude 
.
Well, I'm chugging along still. DP is still with me, but DD moved out in September to live with my parents as she and he weren't getting on. Sad fact is, he never wanted children all his life (now 55) and though he thought he'd be able to cope with acquiring a teenage 'stepdaughter', he hasn't. He's projected all his negativity onto her and made her feel so unwelcome that she announced that she was going. It's tearing me in half and he knows it, but the most he can suggest is, that he moves out and rents a room somewhere until she goes off to college next year. Not much sign of him going, though and it doesn't really address the problem that it's his depression and problems that have led to this, while she's done nothing except exist
. Luckily my parents are quite nearby and she's actually closer to her school there, but it's not ideal and has caused a rift between me and my family - their attitude is that I should have kicked him out. Easier said than done, and I could say, 'walk a mile in my shoes before you judge'. Anyway, heyho, we'll get through somehow, maybe, and at least I still have a good relationship with DD, albeit at a 1 mile distance. But I'm REALLY looking forward to Christmas 
!!
.Well, I'm chugging along still. DP is still with me, but DD moved out in September to live with my parents as she and he weren't getting on. Sad fact is, he never wanted children all his life (now 55) and though he thought he'd be able to cope with acquiring a teenage 'stepdaughter', he hasn't. He's projected all his negativity onto her and made her feel so unwelcome that she announced that she was going. It's tearing me in half and he knows it, but the most he can suggest is, that he moves out and rents a room somewhere until she goes off to college next year. Not much sign of him going, though and it doesn't really address the problem that it's his depression and problems that have led to this, while she's done nothing except exist
. Luckily my parents are quite nearby and she's actually closer to her school there, but it's not ideal and has caused a rift between me and my family - their attitude is that I should have kicked him out. Easier said than done, and I could say, 'walk a mile in my shoes before you judge'. Anyway, heyho, we'll get through somehow, maybe, and at least I still have a good relationship with DD, albeit at a 1 mile distance. But I'm REALLY looking forward to Christmas !!Hello Tanee and thank you for asking - I wish I could say I'm OK but the truth is I'm not.
Quick update - had surprise birthday present left on my door step a couple of months ago but when texted to say thank you (too emotionally shakey to actually speak, for goodness sake) he just wanted to remain "friends". Had a couple of weeks hard thinking and realised that after the level of intimacy and shared dreams, I simply couldn't do this. The letter I sent (not over the top, ranting and raving, simply the truth) saying goodbye was the hardest thing I've ever done.
No contact since then. Taken on more work responsibility, travelling the country with daughter for uni open days, seriously de-cluttering house, any distraction I can find. There's obviously not going to be any closure in terms of a reason "why" or how he could transform from such a warm, loving man into distant stranger in a matter of weeks but I just can't let go.....
My fear right now is that if it was all an elaborate deception, what does that make the 4 year relationship? Just lies? That's so very hard to deal with and I don't want to end up bitter and unable to trust/love ever again.
OK rant over - will go back to reading some of the comments on another thread by MNetter called BEAUTIFUL, who has a great take on the subject of being dumped.
Anyway, dare I ask what's happening in your life? Despite the above comments and being overwhelmed by sadness, I'm still able to listen and maybe throw some perspective on other's problems !!!
- I wish I could say I'm OK but the truth is I'm not.Quick update - had surprise birthday present left on my door step a couple of months ago but when texted to say thank you (too emotionally shakey to actually speak, for goodness sake) he just wanted to remain "friends". Had a couple of weeks hard thinking and realised that after the level of intimacy and shared dreams, I simply couldn't do this. The letter I sent (not over the top, ranting and raving, simply the truth) saying goodbye was the hardest thing I've ever done.
No contact since then. Taken on more work responsibility, travelling the country with daughter for uni open days, seriously de-cluttering house, any distraction I can find. There's obviously not going to be any closure in terms of a reason "why" or how he could transform from such a warm, loving man into distant stranger in a matter of weeks but I just can't let go.....
My fear right now is that if it was all an elaborate deception, what does that make the 4 year relationship? Just lies? That's so very hard to deal with and I don't want to end up bitter and unable to trust/love ever again.
OK rant over - will go back to reading some of the comments on another thread by MNetter called BEAUTIFUL, who has a great take on the subject of being dumped.
Anyway, dare I ask what's happening in your life? Despite the above comments and being overwhelmed by sadness, I'm still able to listen and maybe throw some perspective on other's problems !!!
Hi AmPm - I haven't been on MN much recently - too much stress in my own life! But just came across your thread again and wondered how you are now?
Hello SB - I think I've managed to enable the bit on MN to allow direct contact!
I remember well the dreaded nit shampoo/combing out sessions - luckily my daughter is fair haired, so they were quite visible, but still a pain to deal with!
I remember well the dreaded nit shampoo/combing out sessions - luckily my daughter is fair haired, so they were quite visible, but still a pain to deal with!
I love my cat too, they're the best aren't they? My weekends depend on whether or not I have DD. When I'm with her we go shopping, visiting or whatever and when I don't, I see friends, chill or whatever. She's very close to her dad but he's just had a new baby who unfortunately is very ill and in hospital so he's spending less time with her than usual.
I'm picking her up later from her cousin's as they've just spent a week together on holiday. Apparently she's contracted nits so will have to de-louse her tonight! Quite a procedure as she has such a mane of hair.
Good that you're having your highlights done and a massage and there's nothing better than wine and a good book. I so know how you feel - last night I was in tears again over him but after a good night's sleep I feel OK today. If you'd like, we could exchange email addresses but you need to enable your contact a mumsnetter thingy. Would make it more straightforward than having to check back in here and we could offer eachother support. Can't be many 50-somethings going through this right now! And I'm SO relieved I've given up the online dating thing for now, like you I'd compare every man I met to him and that means it's far too soon.
I'm picking her up later from her cousin's as they've just spent a week together on holiday. Apparently she's contracted nits so will have to de-louse her tonight! Quite a procedure as she has such a mane of hair.
Good that you're having your highlights done and a massage and there's nothing better than wine and a good book. I so know how you feel - last night I was in tears again over him but after a good night's sleep I feel OK today. If you'd like, we could exchange email addresses but you need to enable your contact a mumsnetter thingy. Would make it more straightforward than having to check back in here and we could offer eachother support. Can't be many 50-somethings going through this right now! And I'm SO relieved I've given up the online dating thing for now, like you I'd compare every man I met to him and that means it's far too soon.
Hi SB, well there is definitely a similarity in our feelings and I'm with you 100% about having a break from relationships (for however long it takes for you to feel "right" about it). At the moment I know that I'd just be making comparisons and hurting myself more. We're all different in our ways of dealing with the rejection but to leap into the dating scene wouldn't work for me.
Weekend plans - well I'm at work right now as we have some deadlines to meet! It's chilly and raining so just want to curl up with a glass of wine, chocolate and a good book (oh and give new kitten lots of cuddles). Highlights need doing so off to hairdressers this afternoon, then booked a massage, so will be pampered for a while!
Daughter is pleading to go on my car insurance so she can practice - 3 lessons and she knows it all!
How do you spend your weekends? Does your daughter have activities that need taxi service?
I could do with some internet support on how to deal with the stomach churning moments when something reminds me out of the blue (although to be honest he's the sub-text of absolutely everything I do right now) - I just can't believe this has happened and keep thinking he'll walk back through the door and put the kettle on. Guess this is still the denial stage. I really am trying so hard to accept, please don't think I'm not wanting to get back on track for everyone's sake, but it physically hurts so much doesn't it?
Right back to work now and think about getting together with friends for my birthday soon.
Weekend plans - well I'm at work right now as we have some deadlines to meet! It's chilly and raining so just want to curl up with a glass of wine, chocolate and a good book (oh and give new kitten lots of cuddles). Highlights need doing so off to hairdressers this afternoon, then booked a massage, so will be pampered for a while!
Daughter is pleading to go on my car insurance so she can practice - 3 lessons and she knows it all!
How do you spend your weekends? Does your daughter have activities that need taxi service?
I could do with some internet support on how to deal with the stomach churning moments when something reminds me out of the blue (although to be honest he's the sub-text of absolutely everything I do right now) - I just can't believe this has happened and keep thinking he'll walk back through the door and put the kettle on. Guess this is still the denial stage. I really am trying so hard to accept, please don't think I'm not wanting to get back on track for everyone's sake, but it physically hurts so much doesn't it?
Right back to work now and think about getting together with friends for my birthday soon.
Hi ampm, I don't know if he's on any sites because I can't bear to look, I'd be gutted if I found him out there. I think it's going to be quite a while until I feel neutral about him and am still quite up and down...
As for online dating myself, I've cancelled a date for tomorrow because I've come to my senses. I just can't go through it again and am going to try and give myself a break from relationships. I think online dating can be very hard and demoralising and I need to be kind to myself.
What plans have you got for the weekend? Do you find them harder because there's no work to keep you occupied? And have you had any urges to contact him?
As for online dating myself, I've cancelled a date for tomorrow because I've come to my senses. I just can't go through it again and am going to try and give myself a break from relationships. I think online dating can be very hard and demoralising and I need to be kind to myself.
What plans have you got for the weekend? Do you find them harder because there's no work to keep you occupied? And have you had any urges to contact him?
Brilliant that you are doing OU.
I find that if I deliberately do something - anything - then along the way something else happens, the unexpected adventure, and you get an outcome - a good outcome - but not the one you thought you were heading for, but definitley one you wouldn't have had had you not set out to do something in the first place. So keeping busy and 'out there' is one day going to bring you something you weren't looking for. I don't mean this in any mystic sort of way (shudder!) , but in a practical way.
I think it is natural that you feel so bereft, sad and miserable. Rejection is very very cruel, and also because he has not been clear, you have no choice but to churn your mind around and constantly dwell in 'what if' and 'why' and 'what might you be able to do to change things'.
I find that if I deliberately do something - anything - then along the way something else happens, the unexpected adventure, and you get an outcome - a good outcome - but not the one you thought you were heading for, but definitley one you wouldn't have had had you not set out to do something in the first place. So keeping busy and 'out there' is one day going to bring you something you weren't looking for. I don't mean this in any mystic sort of way (shudder!) , but in a practical way.
I think it is natural that you feel so bereft, sad and miserable. Rejection is very very cruel, and also because he has not been clear, you have no choice but to churn your mind around and constantly dwell in 'what if' and 'why' and 'what might you be able to do to change things'.
SB - I was also involved with his family and although the recent meeting with his parents didn't quite go as I hoped, it still feels strange to simply "disappear" from the other family members and one particular couple who made me feel really welcome from the start. I wonder what your ex said to his mother, especially as that generation may find it harder to understand relationships today.
I think you're really brave with the online dating. After a fair bit of wine with friends one evening, they put my profile out and I got a "perfect match" - a 5'6" buddhist who smoked! (what happened to the at least 6ft and non-smoking request?). And another thing, so many of the 50+ men look ancient - balding, wrinkled, scruffy etc whereas us fifty-somethings are wearing far better I think!
I know you have mixed feelings for your ex and aim for the "neutral" but do you think he's seeing anybody else? Is he on any dating sites that you're aware of or does he just want to be alone for a while?
I think you're really brave with the online dating. After a fair bit of wine with friends one evening, they put my profile out and I got a "perfect match" - a 5'6" buddhist who smoked! (what happened to the at least 6ft and non-smoking request?). And another thing, so many of the 50+ men look ancient - balding, wrinkled, scruffy etc whereas us fifty-somethings are wearing far better I think!
I know you have mixed feelings for your ex and aim for the "neutral" but do you think he's seeing anybody else? Is he on any dating sites that you're aware of or does he just want to be alone for a while?
Hi again. None of what you're doing is a pretence even though it feels hard. I find keeping a journal helps enormously and being able to talk to friends. I'm glad the menopause was easy for you, I'm going through it now and apart from a spate of hot flushes recently, it's been really OK.
We had a long distance relationship which I suppose makes it easier (I met him online too). Only saw eachother every other weekend but he got me very involved and very early on, with his kids, mother, brother etc. Have left them all alone which is hard, especially his sweet 85 year-old mum who thought I was the best thing since sliced bread. I think he just got totally carried away but my his own admission didn't know what he wanted. A man of 53 with 2 grown-up kids, I ask you. Sounds like it took your ex longer to come to that conclusion and makes it all the harder for you.
Anyway, I don't want a serious relationship again for a while (if ever) but have gone back online. Don't ask me why, perhaps I just need to feel there are men out there who aren't all nuts...
We had a long distance relationship which I suppose makes it easier (I met him online too). Only saw eachother every other weekend but he got me very involved and very early on, with his kids, mother, brother etc. Have left them all alone which is hard, especially his sweet 85 year-old mum who thought I was the best thing since sliced bread. I think he just got totally carried away but my his own admission didn't know what he wanted. A man of 53 with 2 grown-up kids, I ask you. Sounds like it took your ex longer to come to that conclusion and makes it all the harder for you.
Anyway, I don't want a serious relationship again for a while (if ever) but have gone back online. Don't ask me why, perhaps I just need to feel there are men out there who aren't all nuts...
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