Oh come on, let's get your sparkle back. It's not lost, just slightly dimmed temporarily. I've had a quick look at Beautiful's thread and I think it's excellent. I like her attitude .

Well, I'm chugging along still. DP is still with me, but DD moved out in September to live with my parents as she and he weren't getting on. Sad fact is, he never wanted children all his life (now 55) and though he thought he'd be able to cope with acquiring a teenage 'stepdaughter', he hasn't. He's projected all his negativity onto her and made her feel so unwelcome that she announced that she was going. It's tearing me in half and he knows it, but the most he can suggest is, that he moves out and rents a room somewhere until she goes off to college next year. Not much sign of him going, though and it doesn't really address the problem that it's his depression and problems that have led to this, while she's done nothing except exist . Luckily my parents are quite nearby and she's actually closer to her school there, but it's not ideal and has caused a rift between me and my family - their attitude is that I should have kicked him out. Easier said than done, and I could say, 'walk a mile in my shoes before you judge'. Anyway, heyho, we'll get through somehow, maybe, and at least I still have a good relationship with DD, albeit at a 1 mile distance. But I'm REALLY looking forward to Christmas !!

Hello Tanee and thank you for asking - I wish I could say I'm OK but the truth is I'm not.

Quick update - had surprise birthday present left on my door step a couple of months ago but when texted to say thank you (too emotionally shakey to actually speak, for goodness sake) he just wanted to remain "friends". Had a couple of weeks hard thinking and realised that after the level of intimacy and shared dreams, I simply couldn't do this. The letter I sent (not over the top, ranting and raving, simply the truth) saying goodbye was the hardest thing I've ever done.

No contact since then. Taken on more work responsibility, travelling the country with daughter for uni open days, seriously de-cluttering house, any distraction I can find. There's obviously not going to be any closure in terms of a reason "why" or how he could transform from such a warm, loving man into distant stranger in a matter of weeks but I just can't let go.....

My fear right now is that if it was all an elaborate deception, what does that make the 4 year relationship? Just lies? That's so very hard to deal with and I don't want to end up bitter and unable to trust/love ever again.

OK rant over - will go back to reading some of the comments on another thread by MNetter called BEAUTIFUL, who has a great take on the subject of being dumped.

Anyway, dare I ask what's happening in your life? Despite the above comments and being overwhelmed by sadness, I'm still able to listen and maybe throw some perspective on other's problems !!!

Hi AmPm - I haven't been on MN much recently - too much stress in my own life! But just came across your thread again and wondered how you are now?

Hello SB - I think I've managed to enable the bit on MN to allow direct contact!

I remember well the dreaded nit shampoo/combing out sessions - luckily my daughter is fair haired, so they were quite visible, but still a pain to deal with!

I love my cat too, they're the best aren't they? My weekends depend on whether or not I have DD. When I'm with her we go shopping, visiting or whatever and when I don't, I see friends, chill or whatever. She's very close to her dad but he's just had a new baby who unfortunately is very ill and in hospital so he's spending less time with her than usual.
I'm picking her up later from her cousin's as they've just spent a week together on holiday. Apparently she's contracted nits so will have to de-louse her tonight! Quite a procedure as she has such a mane of hair.

Good that you're having your highlights done and a massage and there's nothing better than wine and a good book. I so know how you feel - last night I was in tears again over him but after a good night's sleep I feel OK today. If you'd like, we could exchange email addresses but you need to enable your contact a mumsnetter thingy. Would make it more straightforward than having to check back in here and we could offer eachother support. Can't be many 50-somethings going through this right now! And I'm SO relieved I've given up the online dating thing for now, like you I'd compare every man I met to him and that means it's far too soon.

Hi SB, well there is definitely a similarity in our feelings and I'm with you 100% about having a break from relationships (for however long it takes for you to feel "right" about it). At the moment I know that I'd just be making comparisons and hurting myself more. We're all different in our ways of dealing with the rejection but to leap into the dating scene wouldn't work for me.

Weekend plans - well I'm at work right now as we have some deadlines to meet! It's chilly and raining so just want to curl up with a glass of wine, chocolate and a good book (oh and give new kitten lots of cuddles). Highlights need doing so off to hairdressers this afternoon, then booked a massage, so will be pampered for a while!
Daughter is pleading to go on my car insurance so she can practice - 3 lessons and she knows it all!

How do you spend your weekends? Does your daughter have activities that need taxi service?

I could do with some internet support on how to deal with the stomach churning moments when something reminds me out of the blue (although to be honest he's the sub-text of absolutely everything I do right now) - I just can't believe this has happened and keep thinking he'll walk back through the door and put the kettle on. Guess this is still the denial stage. I really am trying so hard to accept, please don't think I'm not wanting to get back on track for everyone's sake, but it physically hurts so much doesn't it?

Right back to work now and think about getting together with friends for my birthday soon.

Hi ampm, I don't know if he's on any sites because I can't bear to look, I'd be gutted if I found him out there. I think it's going to be quite a while until I feel neutral about him and am still quite up and down...

As for online dating myself, I've cancelled a date for tomorrow because I've come to my senses. I just can't go through it again and am going to try and give myself a break from relationships. I think online dating can be very hard and demoralising and I need to be kind to myself.

What plans have you got for the weekend? Do you find them harder because there's no work to keep you occupied? And have you had any urges to contact him?

Brilliant that you are doing OU.

I find that if I deliberately do something - anything - then along the way something else happens, the unexpected adventure, and you get an outcome - a good outcome - but not the one you thought you were heading for, but definitley one you wouldn't have had had you not set out to do something in the first place. So keeping busy and 'out there' is one day going to bring you something you weren't looking for. I don't mean this in any mystic sort of way (shudder!) , but in a practical way.

I think it is natural that you feel so bereft, sad and miserable. Rejection is very very cruel, and also because he has not been clear, you have no choice but to churn your mind around and constantly dwell in 'what if' and 'why' and 'what might you be able to do to change things'.

SB - I was also involved with his family and although the recent meeting with his parents didn't quite go as I hoped, it still feels strange to simply "disappear" from the other family members and one particular couple who made me feel really welcome from the start. I wonder what your ex said to his mother, especially as that generation may find it harder to understand relationships today.

I think you're really brave with the online dating. After a fair bit of wine with friends one evening, they put my profile out and I got a "perfect match" - a 5'6" buddhist who smoked! (what happened to the at least 6ft and non-smoking request?). And another thing, so many of the 50+ men look ancient - balding, wrinkled, scruffy etc whereas us fifty-somethings are wearing far better I think!

I know you have mixed feelings for your ex and aim for the "neutral" but do you think he's seeing anybody else? Is he on any dating sites that you're aware of or does he just want to be alone for a while?

Hi again. None of what you're doing is a pretence even though it feels hard. I find keeping a journal helps enormously and being able to talk to friends. I'm glad the menopause was easy for you, I'm going through it now and apart from a spate of hot flushes recently, it's been really OK.

We had a long distance relationship which I suppose makes it easier (I met him online too). Only saw eachother every other weekend but he got me very involved and very early on, with his kids, mother, brother etc. Have left them all alone which is hard, especially his sweet 85 year-old mum who thought I was the best thing since sliced bread. I think he just got totally carried away but my his own admission didn't know what he wanted. A man of 53 with 2 grown-up kids, I ask you. Sounds like it took your ex longer to come to that conclusion and makes it all the harder for you.

Anyway, I don't want a serious relationship again for a while (if ever) but have gone back online. Don't ask me why, perhaps I just need to feel there are men out there who aren't all nuts...

Hello BLU and thanks for your wise words. Yes, understand the approaching empty nest syndrome and was indeed looking forward to support from ex on the basis his 3 girls are at that "couple of years ahead" stage. Happy to say sailed through menopause 2 years ago with no side effects (amazingly lucky I know).

I'm also doing stuff to keep busy, like OU taster course, gym etc but it's all such a pretense and like I am someone else detached from the real world. Weird feeling, although probably part of normal grieving process (but totally different from when husband died).

SB - sorry but I can't remember, did you live together? Does ex now live near you? Likely to bump into each other? Did you meet his family, friends or work colleagues? What did you say to people about the split? Sorry for all the questions, just intruigued at possible similarities and, of course, I'm still searching for explanations of what happened to result in such a transformation.

Well, I'm going round to a single friend's house and she's going to cook me a slap-up meal. So if you've got a close friend or two, I think that's the answer, spend it with them.
It's been two months since he evaporated and all I've had from him is one poxy card saying "get well" because I'd had an op on my foot. Not one single word more. And to think when we were together, the words just flowed...Maybe I should have paid heed then.

I find the hardest thing is trying to work out what happened and like you, I'm having to do it all on my own because they've just vanished.

hello ampm, so sorry you are in such a sad situation.

I am not surprised this has hit you so hard - not only was it one of the foundations on which you built your life after the shock of being widowed so young, but you have now suffered actual rejection at a time when rejection comes hard. As you say, you face your daughter moving away, and however much pride you have in her college attendance, and her growing independence it is a big change in your staus as mother - and you will lose the comfort of a day to day friend in the house. Also, you must be approaching peri-menopause, which may well be making you feel fragile emotionally, and signals another change in your life - however matter of fact you are about it.

You know, you have so much to be proud of: you DID support your daughter after the loss of her dad, and made life go on. You DID create a happy and succesful relationship, which, while it was mutually good was an achievement. You are the mother of a girl poised to make a place for herself in the wold, you have energy, vision, a job....be proud of yourself, and know that you can move on not merely as an abject survivor of this, but to new and more challenging things.

Birthdays, shmirthdays. Do something ordinary - go to the cinema with one good friend, and for a curry.

And choose one thing - simple or complicated - that you would like to do for yourself and have never done. A place to visit, a course to take, and experience to try. Something that will give you a sense of achievement. (bungee jump, volunteering half a day a week, aerobics, swiss ball, a language course, visit a gallery in another town and find out about an artist you have never heard of...hatever) And just do it. You have no need to be looking forward to growing old at your vigorous stage in life - be looking for the next phase.

I am not underestimating the pain of rejection, but (IMO of a relationship breakdown at a mature age) it is easy to imagine that all your eggs were in one basket, and to feel that your life cannot be anything again - and it is importan to give yourself little reminders that this is certainly not the case.

Hi SB - my birthday next month too! Not sure what to do that evening - do I go out with people, stick on a fake smile and try to be sociable (my heart really isn't in that and feel sick just thinking about the pretence) or stay in with wine, chocolate and memories (will that be worse?). I know we shouldn't wish our lives away, but being 6 months down the line might help.

So, has there been no contact at all in any shape or form with ex? How long now?

I'm glad it helps and I know how awful it is when you have "anniversaries." It's my birthday next month and I'll be thinking what a lovely time we had at my last one.... I found a couple of his DVDs the other day and I'm sending them back and couldn't resist including a note. Not angry or rude or anything, just to express my total incredulity at how one minute he professed to love me like no other and the next he just disappeared.

I'm sure that sooner or later you won't be able to resist the urge to contact him and you've done so well to have resisted it so far. And 141 does work! If you do, don't beat yourself up, it's all part of the healing process.

Hello SB and thank goodness you said that - I thought it was only me feeling so desperate to hear his voice (can't bring myself to delete messages from mobile or emails either). I've had phone in my hand several times, but wasn't sure that 141 prefix would actually work, so chickened out!

This time last year we were packing suitcases ready for first holiday outside UK - until then I'd always felt the need to be within several hours drive of daughter in case of an emergency! It was such a special week and another memory to be locked away until one day this doesn't hurt quite so much.

Thanks for being there, understanding and being that bit further down the line to "recovery" - it really helps.

Hi ampm, just wanted to let you know I'm a weak and sentimental woman who should take her own advice....After a night out with the girls and far too much wine I had a desperate longing to hear my ex's voice. It seemed a totally reasonable thing to do, pick up the phone and call him (number withheld of course). Luckily his son answered the landline (I hung up) and his mobile went straight to voicemail.

I had that feeling when I woke up that I'd done something stupid last night but couldn't put my finger on it...Then it came to me. Thank the lord he didn't pick up. So I just wanted to let you know I'm there with you, and it can take a long time to be really free.

I think things would be easier for you if he had just TOLD you that he didn't want to see you any more. Some men can be cowards. I suppose this way, he can creep back into your life if he wants to, with a 'Oh, I was just having a break'.

I'm sorry you are hurting and I really DO understand where you are coming from. Being left high and dry is horrible. You deserve better.

Hello again SB. Please don't think I'm wallowing in it for the sake of it but each day is just another lot of hours to get through at the moment. I'm ashamed to say this - it's really not my way.

Yes, I do enjoy my office manager job and it takes my mind off things (but still keep checking for emails from him, like before). Daughter is very special only child and has had a lot to cope with (heart surgery) but now a typical teenager who knows it all! Just starting driving lessons and had holiday with friends and no parents around! She found it very difficult to accept new partner at first and we all went through a couple of years of hell but she's fine now and wishes it was all OK for me. Still misses her dad but in a way is stronger for coping, if that makes sense, and we talk openly about him.

I do know that I'll be OK one day. It all seems such a waste that it's come to this for no obvious reason (well, not obvious to me) when everything was starting to go our way. I've not been pushing for marriage (and I know he is OK with this), we just enjoyed so much and the future looked bright. Now I'm overwhelmed by sadness, can't stop thinking about what's lost and so miss the hug or look that said it will be OK, we're in this together.

Sorry for rambling on. It's nice your daughter has good relationship with her dad and, hopefully, her new step-sister.

PS I live near Rugby!

Good morning ampm. How are you doing today, is it getting any better? You say you have to get suited and booted for work - do you enjoy your job? At the very least, I hope it's keeping you sane. Work has always been a godsend when I'm in deep heartbreak mode.

Yes, I was totally devastated when the ex before the one before the one before left! The explanation? I really wanted us to get married/have kids and he went along with it for a long time and even tried to convince himself it could work but knew he was kidding himself. For some reason he was unable to let me down gently, maybe he was just too much of a coward, so the only way out for him was to disappear. I think I went into shock for about 6 months....Funnily enough we did resume contact eventually, largely because I was a very close friend of his mum, a truly lovely woman who tragically died last year when she was only in her 60s.

How is your daughter? It must be lovely to have her around and I'm sure she's a great support to you. Does she still miss her dad? My daughter (my only child) is just 9 but very wise. She sees a lot of her dad, who she adores, but not so much at the moment because he's just had a baby with his new girlfriend and the poor little thing has spent the first two months of her life in hospital. No-one knows exactly what's wrong and only time will tell. Even though my ex-husband broke my heart when he left I really feel for him, he's trying to be so strong but I can tell he's broken inside....

Life is just such a challenge isn't it, but we can all rise to whatever it throws at us, if we want to. Where do you live by the way, is it urban or rural and which half of the country?

SPARKYBINT - No don't apologise - I'd rather hear your truthful opinion and I am listening. It may be a lot longer before I can take it on board, but I do appreciate your thoughts.

Re childhood - having known his parents and younger brother for several years now (and we all spent last Christmas together with members of "my" side of the family) I am confident they grew up in a very loving environment and both brothers have a good relationship with mum and dad now. We've all talked about our early days and I was brought up in a similar family setting, rural community etc. So no concerns with parenting - in fact just the opposite.

Obviously there is something wrong with these individuals that they end up treating the ones they "love" so badly - you must have been devastated to be 5 years into the relationship and then for that to happen. Did you ever get a reason why?

DIOR - I guess the anger will come. I'm not saying it's wrong or wouldn't help, just that I can't fake the "angry" feelings any more than I can switch off the "loving" feelings at the moment.

Well, time to get angry. Not bitter, just mad that he has done this. Men who finish with a woman by disappearing are the lowest. You deserve better after four years.

I'm really sorry ampm, what I said was very blunt to say the least... it could well be a case of extreme commitmentphobia and what you say about these men seeming ready and able to love but only to a certain point, could well be true. But they have issues right from the start and hide them very well. The hardest thing to accept with mine, was how much he seemed to need me and want a committed relationship; I think he'd actually convinced himself of it but when it came to it he just ran. What sort of childhood did your ex have? I think it's really important to know that and personally, I wouldn't go near a man now who
had seriously deficient parenting (the case with my last two partners).

You do need to feel angry and that will come, it does for virtually everyone. And after that, with any luck, you'll just feel neutral. You don't have to hate him and I don't hate my ex, but I do really dislike him at the moment but I know that feeling will become more muted with time.

It's not the first time this has happened to me either; apart from a divorce 3 years ago, I was left by the love of my life (the one before my ex-husband) after what I thought were 5 blissful years together. It had come to the crux of us getting married and he just couldn't do it. I came home one night to find he'd moved out and that was it. I even spoke to him that morning at work and asked him what he wanted for supper....But here I am, battle-scarred but not beaten. You've got a lot of life left to live so you HAVE to get over this and you will.

Dior - no haven't reached the angry stage yet. It's like balancing scales - on one side is this huge amount of happiness from our time together and all the tangible stuff & memories that go with it, against the comparatively sadness on the other side resulting from this incomprehensible withdrawal.

I had 27 years of what I thought of as happy marriage and the grief felt when husband died is completely different to this grief. The last 4 years aren't even on the same scale. All my boxes ticked, almost too good to be true - now it seems that is the case - but I need to keep the positive or I'll end up bitter and broken.

Does this make any sense? Believe me, I'm not a passive doormat but, for me, to turn the love into hate would hurt even more.

I am so sorry that you are hurting, but don't you feel just a tiny bit of anger for how he has treated you? After this time, you deserve a final cut off, not a drifting away with no explanation. I would be spitting feathers by now!

Ouch Sparkybint that hit home. It's really hard to accept that he was pretending for past 4 years, but I do accept he should have talked through any problems and can't understand this walk away attitude.

Maybe I am on completely the wrong road here with commitment issues, but several people have now told me that their partner left when the relationship was on a "high", that there were no clear indications of this being about to happen apart from a slight slowing down in affection and distancing, which could be put down to all manner of external influences, expecially in this current unsettling economic climate etc.

These men seem ready and able to love but only to a certain point, when something triggers such a panic (no, I can't understand what that could be in a longterm, solid relationship either!) that they feel desperate to withdraw and sabotage what was once so good.

I realise this line of thinking may be way off the truth but, in my particular case, it seems to fit and helps - if that's the right terminology - to bear the pain of being without the one person I felt 100% at ease with.

Does anyone out there feel the same or do you think I'm just searching for an explanation other than he's fallen out of love with me. Don't spare your true thoughts - I don't have to agree with you, just interested.

Hi again. You're making the mistake of thinking it was all so good for him as well. If the relationship had been that good for him, he wouldn't have left. He must have been doing a pretty good job of pretending everything was fine for quite a long time.
I'm not saying there was anything wrong with you at all, it's all got to do with him and his issues, be they around commitment or whatever.

I've described my own experience here and the same thing happened to me. But it's not as if my ex went from being a loving, warm, courageous man one minute to a complete loser who just disappeared the next. He ALWAYS had issues and I don't doubt that yours had too. He hid them from me pretty well and I thought he was wonderful. In the last week or so I've actually started to dislike my ex and if I saw him it would be hard to hide the expression of contempt on my face. With any luck you'll get there too.

Sincitylover - thanks for comments. Thought I was getting good at brave face but at lunchtime work colleague (not that well acquainted with, female) asked if I was OK, as I looked a bit "fragile". Cue the tears, yet again. Just feel drained. The thought of almost through another day is no consolation when I think of all the days ahead (sorry for sounding so self-pitying, it's not my normal way) just feel sick and lost.

Will maintain the dignified silence a while longer simply because I cannot cope with total rejection if I did manage to make contact, and can't bear to drive over to his house to see the "I don't love you anymore" look on his face.

You're right, it is like a game in a way but I don't think I hold any of the cards! How can he simply forget the closeness of past 4 years? Or does he feel so guilty for hurting me he has to block it all off? I'm sounding like an amateur psychiatrist now aren't it - just want other people's perspective, harsh or not.

I really can't be the only one to become involved with a man who has run from a relationship when it was all so good? The pain is unbearable and I just need help with the WHY

ampm

I feel your pain tho am in slightly different position.

But have had a relationship someone who withdraws, gets cold feet and generally causes much heartache/break.

I know how hard it is to put on that brave face (esp in front of work colleagues and dcs). In fact a work colleague I eventually confided in said he had no idea I was going through such heartbreak.

Just wanted to pull out two themes from the posts - just how hard it is to get self closure and the desperate feeling that you want to contact them. I am torn mostly between assertively asking for explanations and keeping a dignfied silence. The latter goes against everything I feel and think but have done it on occasions. It seems such game playing for grown adults to engage in.

It's as if you have to decide or guess the best 'move' in order to achieve the result you want rather than being straight and honest with someone you have been very close to.

The second is the cowardly approach of just withdrawing - however difficult it is (and it is) to end something I would like to think I would find the courage to do so. It's really very disrespectful and selfish to do otherwise.

Allow yourself to grieve.

Critterjitter - at last a question I can answer with some certainty! He's always maintained a good, civil relationship with ex wife (I admit to being a little jealous at first) but having met her + new partner at several family get-togethers, I'd say there is no connection. I did put this possibility to his parents and they also thought ex was very happy with current relationship.

Cahu - I do understand your "brutal" approach and somewhere down the line this may be proved right. However, I think I got to "know" him well over last 4 years and if there was someone else, I do believe the signs would have been there and different scenarios played out.

As it stands, the almost overnight total transformation from warm, loving, caring person to this distant stranger makes no sense at all. Or is this part of a cruel elaborate deception?

In an effort to understand what happened, I've read about "commitment phobic men". Does anyone have any experience/comments about this I wonder?

Is this anything to do with his ex wife? Sorry to ask, but saw reference to her in your first post.

I dont want to seem brutal ampm, but most men are cowards and when they withdraw from one relationship, it usually means they have something else to go to. I made all the excuses in the world for my ex dh when It was obvious he was having an affair.

I could have saved a lot of time and heartache instead of prolonging the agony, by making more effort when it wasnt me who needed to be doing that.

Listen to your instincts, they are always right.

There is a new chapter to begin...... with someone who deserves you.

I've just logged on and amazed to find people have responded. I really didn't expect this as the "topic" is almost a month old. As I read through, the tears started again because I'm just so touched at your kindness to a stranger.

You've all said it's OK to keep talking as someone out there will listen, so here goes.

To reply to Unlikelyamazonian's questions: A little bit of me wants to make contact but a huge part knows I simply can't take the ultimate rejection at the moment. I do have some of his things at home but stupidly want to cling to these as a last link. My things are all over his house but, similarly, I can't bear the thought of them all being boxed up and returned as then I would truly be out of his life. I KNOW it's crazy but I want him to be reminded of me right now.

Also, I need to think of the happy times shared at each others' homes, not have the last thoughts as ones of utter sadness. At the moment it's like balancing scales - the huge amount of happiness over past 4 years on one side and the devastation and loss during last 3 months on the other. I want to be able to keep the positive love, not be eaten up with bitterness. Does this make any sense?

However, there has been contact of a sort, as at the weekend I drove 150 miles(unannounced and risking they might be on holiday) to see his elderly parents. They were surprised to see me and it was a little awkward. His mum admitted she had an inkling things were not right between us but didn't like to pry as her son is a very private person - he's never actually told them we're not together any more, just that we are "not seeing much of each other these days". Reading between the lines I think she knows more, but it was getting very emotional and I want to keep some dignity in all this.

When I wake up each morning I say to myself well that's another day survived, another 24 hours cutting the ties, gradually distancing ourselves and trying not to go to pieces. But I'm just kidding myself and it all feels like it's happening to someone else and I am not part of the real world. Then it's on with the business suit, heels and makeup and pretend.

The reality is just such emptiness and the loss of my dreams (which seemed so achievable in terms of simply being with the cliched "soulmate" and getting on with life together and - most importantly - being part of a loving family unit for daughter who's had to deal with so much at that age, coped, accepted and emerged a lovely young woman).

Thanks for bearing with me and "letting it all out" yet again - this is a truly a lifeline.

Hello ampm, I've not been on MN for a while either and have just come back to this thread hoping there'd be an update from you. Don't be hard on yourself for not having started to move on, you were together a long time (my relationship was only just over a year) and it ended brutally. The grieving process is typically one that doesn't follow a straight path - do read Elizabeth Kubler-Ross on the 5 Stages of Grieving if you haven't come across it, it's invaluable.

I can't believe what cowards my ex and yours are. That they haven't had the common decency or courage to help provide some closure. Unlike you I've sent quite a few emails and almost wish I hadn't done because they've just disappeared into cyberspace. But I'm happy to say that it has got better for me, even though I miss him still miss him desperately in the dark of night when I want him to hold me and can't believe that he could have let me down so badly. If it wasn't for the engagement ring he got me, I'd think it had never happened...

Maybe you could contact him as UA suggests but I don't know about a meeting. You'd have to be very strong and I don't know if you are yet. Perhaps just ask if he's OK but you may not get an answer. The fact that he said he needed space and then just disappeared says it all for me. He hasn't been abducted by aliens, he's just a man too weak to face up to what he's done. It will get better, believe me and we're here for you.

Hi ampm. Might it be possible now, after a few weeks of this hell, to contact him straight (call him or write) and suggest you meet. Do you have any of his things that you need to return? IMO I think you deserve answers from this man now. If he has not contacted you at all then that really is very mean of him.

You have shown that you can be very strong and resolved by remaining silent and not contacting him. But the time comes...

You sound the sort of person who would not have a big scene with him but, as someone said earlier, if it helps you move on then you could do with a few truths from him. tbh he sounds a coward.

I really feel for you lovely. I know it is easy to say and impossible to really believe, but you WILL come through this. It is very very early days after a long and wonderful relationship. But he i not the wonderful chap you thought he was is he. He has been unkind in the extreme. Sorry don't mean to sound harsh on him. But just think you need some perspective.

You are moving on even if you don't think you are - time passes, hours, sleepless ones perhaps, but it is all time passing and hours gone and life changing.

Suggest a meeting and if you write to him you could say that you have fully accepted that the relationship is over and you are getting on with your life but that you have been very hurt by his actions and could he please give you some honest answers. You deserve them.

Hugs to you. Hope your mascara is waterproof

Also do not yourself feel guilty about the elderly parents - he has cut you off from them not the other way round. And on no account let your daughter feel a shred of guilt about finding it difficult to start with: she was a child. And she sounds lovely. Well done. x

Yes, you can ALWAYS post here and talk, you'll find a sympathetic ear on MN for sure. It's okay to still be sad, to still be hurting. No-one is going to judge you for that. For what its worth it does get better but I know that's not going to help much right now.

I do think that the process of grieving for a relationship involves a lot of crapness and crying, but it's healthy in a funny kind of way - to cry I mean. Gets it out of you. Much better than bottling it all up and never dealing with it, which would lead to problems later down the road.

Oh love, I don't know what to stay, except hang in there and you will feel so much better in the future, you WILL get to that place. Allow the sadness to pass through you, and watch it, knowing that fine, it's there. But the sadness is not you, it just an emotion you are feeling, and it will be gone one day. You are still YOU.
Take care.
x

As inthemistoftime says we are here for you. Talk away we will listen and NEVER think that you are posting too much. There is no limit to MN postings and the support is here for you.

It will get better and they say time heals but that will not be helping you right now. You are not weak. Please do not do yourself an injustice.

Focus on the next hour then the next day etc and then one day you will realise that you are not thinking about him so often.

hi ampm, I have read your thread and my heart goes out to you, and I couldn't let your comment "there's a limit to how much MN's can take" go unchallenged, MN is always there for you, there are so many people on here ready to listen, advise and be there for you, if you want them to be.

Keep posting, I know from personal experience that it helps to just let it all out. I for one am listening

I've just read about someone who posted quite a lot then seemed to disappear, causing others to wonder what had happened. Since I've not talked for a while about the "relationship / possible commitment phobic partner" I thought maybe it would be appropriate to update, but then sadly it's only to say that I'm still hurting so much, still don't know why or how we got into this nightmare situation, still cry so much despite putting on brave face for work etc (along with the make-up)and still can't come to terms or move on.

So basically I'm kind of embarassed and don't know what to say to anyone, especially those who've been so kind and understanding through their own experiences.

Yes it helps to talk, and talk and talk but I do realise there's a limit to how much MN's can take but if there's anyone out there, please post as I really do need to feel I'm not on my own and there's such a huge empty space, it's unbearable. Sorry for sounding so weak and pathetic again. I do know it will get better, it's just how to get through another day/night and hold it all together.

To ILoveTrees - really nice of you add a message. I'm amazed at the kindness of strangers.

To Sparkybint - I think you really do understand some of the raw emotion I'm trying to deal with, especially the feeling about growing old together. Keeping busy is an option some of the time, i.e. work/home/company of few close friends but it's the hours inbetween when I just can't switch off. So many triggers for memories and I'm not at the angry stage yet, just can't believe this has happened, so quickly and without obvious signs. Wish I knew how to put all the love out of my head/heart.

I don't want to set you back, but just how are you getting through the days? Thought I was strong (well strong for others in troubled times) but this has just knocked me for six.

ps just re-read what you said about his family - I got to know ex DP's elderly mum and son and daughter really well and know they liked me a great deal. I feel bad when I think I haven't had the chance to say goodbye. But I'm leaving it because it's his issue - you shouldn't feel guilty for not having closure with them, he's the one who's created the situation. Stay strong and try not to do anything that you'd regret.

ampm just seen this, know EXACTLY how you feel. Am 51 and divorced with DD of 9. I met a wonderful man online just over a year ago and we fell hard - he proposed just 4 months in and I thought we were made for life.

A month ago, he virtually disappeared, no explanation, just that I was too intense and he couldn't see a future with me. It was long distance too and that made it harder. I've emailed and texted and have had no response until yesterday when he sent me a get well card signed simply with his name and best wishes (I've recently had a minor op).

Like you I was shell-shocked and realised that as well as the hurt of him finishing it, I've also had to let go of the dream I had of growing old with someone who truly loved me. I've stopped trying to make sense of it and am keeping busy with friends, daughter, home etc. I don't know what was going on in your DP's head but sounds like a massive case of cold feet combined with total lack of courage - ie being able to tell you what he's thinking. My best advice is to grieve, don't take it personally and move on. You're going to have to find closure all by yourself so try you hardest not to contact him. It doesn't make any sense I know, but you have to face up to the fact that he had issues. And believe me, life doesn't end at 51 or 52.....

ampm have just read your thread and am in tears myself. I understand the pain you describe, as do so many others and I know that doesn't really help. This is very raw for you at the moment and you are being so brave by not contacting him. Braver than I would be! As everyone else has said, time is the only healer although it's hard to see it when you're in so much pain. If things don't work out, this pain will fade in time. My heart goes out to you and take care of yourself.

So sorry to hear how upset this is making you ampm. It must be awful for you at the minute.

I feel like I want to have a word with him myself and put him straight on a few things as he is behaving abysmally. He owes you some sort of explanation and by not doing that he is showing no regard for your feelings. He must know you will be going through hell over this.

I wish I had some wise words to help, like Tanee has, but can only offer a sympathetic ear for as long as you need it.

I actually meant never being wrapped in HIS arms again! Thought of getting intimate with another man makes my stomach churn right now - I know, I know you're trying to keep me positive and do appreciate you following this still.

Thought I had a good marriage in all senses but loving was never like past 4 years. Fighting so hard to keep emotions under control but it's impossible to switch off the feelings and I WANT HIM BACK. Need to know there's someone out there on my side with a hug and kiss that means "don't worry together we can sort it out". Hate being like this, hate waking up each morning to another day without but now very good at pretending to the world, apart from on here where the tears are runnign down my face

I totally agree with WineTime - and you cannot know that you will never be held again - never is a long time and you are still young. (oh yes, you are )! It's his loss, and he will know it. You will be fine - this is the worst period of grieving, but things will get better - take a break from Men and concentrate on yourself. Of course he will lurk in the background with all the anniversaries, but truly, time will heal - and Somebody Better may be just around the corner! Let us know how you get on and if you ever feel bad, just vent on here - we really don't mind - we've all done it ourselves and it keeps us sane!

ampm you are doing really well, maintaining a dignified silence - it must be so hard not to make contact. I admire your restraint - will probably make him think much more than tackling him and getting all emotional.

It might be the end of the road with him, but then if he isn't able to commit then it is better that you find out now rather than further down the line. But it doesn't mean you won't ever be held closely again - you sound like a lovely person and will meet someone who has the same goals and aspirations as you, that you can feel confidence in.

How could you ever trust this bloke again - you would probably always be on tenterhooks worrying he might be having a commitment angst again. It is his loss and I think he will probably eventually realise it but hopefully you will have moved onwards and upwards by then.

xx

Hello again Tanee and thanks for asking - despite overwhelming sadness and urge to try making contact, I'm maintaining dignified silence.

July is going to be a difficult month - our "anniversary", his birthday, a this time last year memory of being on first holiday outside UK, daughter's birthday and reminders of the party WE organised. It just goes on and I'm reduced to tears once more.

Just can't accept it's the end of the road. The pain is a sub-text to everything I do each day and nights are even worse when the realisation that I'll never be held closely again is a cold, hard dread inside. So sorry for sounding like I'm wallowing in it - this isn't the true me and I'd give anything not to be like it. There's just no real answer if he has this irrational fear of commitment but dear god it's so very hurtful.

Don't know how you can all bear to listen to me go on like this

Hi ampm, how are you today? I can so understand you having the dreams etc - I went through all that with dp 20 years ago. I sometimes wonder how we ever managed to get back together again, and I wonder even more if we will last! The worst part then, was not having any answers. I only started getting those many years later, and he still admits he's a mess!

Hope you are being extra kind to yourself?

Hello WTIFT - appreciate you "following" my journey. Busy at work today so little time to think but woke 3am from very real dream where everything was right again, felt sick and really hot then cold when I realised it was just a dream (or are these normal menopausal symptoms - see, I still have tiny bit of humour left).

I understand what you're saying about knowing for sure, but at the moment I'm not that strong and it would reduce me to a complete wreck. Not ideal when I need to be strong and focus on daughter's uni choices, open days etc. Sadly this is something WE would have done together - why oh why does it all come back to missing him so much?

Just started to read online horoscopes (how desperate is that) and although I know that in reality these relate to millions of other "Leos" how come the words are all about partnerships ending, moving on, emotional changes etc!!! Not what I want to hear.

Another weekend looms and will try hard to fill the time, resist the urge to make contact and maintain the "dignified silence" for a while longer.

Hope you enjoy the weekend, wherever you are!

ampm - how are you today ?

I think it is a case of what will make you feel worse, isn't it.
Trying to see him to get some straight answers, which may result in rejection, but then at least you would know it was truly over. Or maintaining a dignified silence, but going through hell in the meantime not knowing what was going on, but not forcing his hand and leaving the possibility open of a reconciliation.

If it was me I think I would be so desperate to know why he had changed that I would try and see him, as I would rather know for sure, even if it was bad news.
I think that your stance is better if there is to be any hope of a reconciliation - just very hard to maintain.

WTIFT - oh no, now you're giving me a glimmer of hope!

Fool that I am, I think if only we could meet up and set a few things straight then, with the benefit of hindsight and wisdom of people like yourself to act as "armour", maybe I could play it slightly different to diffuse the possible commitment problem.

But then again, at the moment I don't feel I can risk the utter rejection if he doesn't want to see me

Guess it's back to keeping my distance and see what happens.

It would be interesting to know what his ex wife's take on this is.

Like you, I don't understand his commitment issues - I wouldn't have been with someone for that long if I didn't already feel committed.

It could also be, as you say that he has a bit of a self destruct tendancy and did decide to get away because it was too good.

I wouldn't be surprised though if he doesn't come back to you, though would you ever feel sure of him not doing this again ? Having said that, I remember that my dh took a break from our relationship, for a while, before we were married and we got back together and it has never been an issue since.

Tanee and WTIFT really appreciate your shoulders and yes I'm in tears yet again, just can't seem to control emotions.

Because I just want to talk and talk and talk I can answer questions easily: Married for 21 years and says they grew apart (a lot to do with his being away on business a great deal) but obviously I only have the one side of the story. There was a relationship after the divorce which apparently ended as he felt she was using him as a meal ticket (he has a good salary and lots of perks).

Ex has a "friend" but they don't live together all the time. The four of us have all got on well enough at various family get-togethers and although I was a little jealous at first of the connection between partner and ex wife, realise it's better to be on good terms than at loggerheads and this really isn't an issue any more.

At Christmas we chose a simple platinum ring for me (no, did not give any hints along the lines of engagement!) which was seen as a symbol of another brick in our "together" wall. Like I said earlier, we seemed to be near the peak of happiness.

However, the more I think about it, the more I wonder if there's a commitment issue where for some reason - a totally alien concept to me - he feels the need to get away because it's too good? Or am I clutching at straws again. Just don't know what's happened but after weeks of no contact do feel I am being phased out and this is part of the pain.

I could go on lots more but don't want to bore you so will just repeat the thanks x

Yes, keep posting we'll support you as much as we can - and we have one advantage over your rl friends, if you cry on our shoulders they'll never get soggy.

You don't sound self pitying at all - just very, very sad.

It is a horrible thing to have to go through especially when there seems to be no real explanation for it.

You are grieving and you need to go through these feelings. Don't be hard on yourself. And don't wonder whether you did anything wrong (you probably are tormenting yourself) - he sounds so like my DP - we dated 21 years ago, he dumped me just when things seemed perfect - went on to have many more short term relationships and keeps friendly with many of his exes (including me). I married on the rebound and several years later and one daughter down the line, got back with him. He seemed totally into us - and I think, deep down, he still is. But part of him is still a commitophobe, afraid of totally giving himself for fear that one day I shall see him for the dreadful person he believes he is. Do you think yours might have similar hangups? Do you know why his marriage broke up? How long was he married for? It's interesting tht he's still on good terms with his ex - how does she feel about him really, I wonder? Who initiated the breakup of the marriage?

Lots of pondering on his past history of relationships for you to think on - just to gain some understanding of why he's changed, even if it doesn't bring him back. What I'm saying is, it may be to do with his own psychological makeup, and nothing to do with you being at fault. It doesn't make him a bad person either, just a damaged and damaging one!

And keep posting on here, we'll prop you up any way we can .

You're right WTIFT and I do realise it's a grieving process (although strangely didn't feel this depth of emotion when my husband died) and equally know I have to keep brave face on for my daughter, who really doesn't need to see mum falling apart like this.

However, there's a limit to how much time I can spend at work, gardening, decorating, beginning Open University taster course, crying on friends' shoulders etc and it all comes down to being overwhelmed with sadness when I'm alone with my thoughts plus, of course, missing the hug from him to say "we're in this together".

Sorry to sound as if I'm wallowing in self pity, it just hurts soooo very much.

I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling.

I am a similar age to you and lucky enough to have been happily married for a long time but my db died last year and the feelings you describe are like those I have had since losing him - it is a form of bereavement that you are going through as well.

Sorry to rule out another "theory" WineTime but the illness was DVT related which, apart from taking a precautionary drug for foreseeable future, does not affect longterm health. If only there was some tangible reason I could find for the complete about-turn, although the more I talk to people it does seem he may have commitment phobia issues, which would go some way to explaining getting out when the relationship was at a peak of happiness.

I'm trying so hard to be strong and get on with things but feel so "distanced" from the real world and silly things like seeing a same model/colour car drive past have the effect of a kick in the stomach. Failed to hold back tears in supermarket this morning as piped music turned into special song - it's like the world is going on and I can't cope. I know there are so many other women feeling like this and it's heartbreaking.

ampm sorry to hear about your unresolved relationship issues. It must be so hard to go from the positive future you thought you had to this, with no real explanation as to why.

I think you are right to give him space and not contact him. He may realise what he is losing and come back to you and I think that pursuing him for answers will only further alienate him at the minute.

I wonder if his recent change of heart has anything to do with his illness that he didn't want to reveal too much about - could he have had some bad news health wise that has meant he feels you have no future ?

ILTiffany - right, tell it like it is then - over! Not what I wanted to hear but deep down I fear you're right. So ...... why do I keep hoping?

Because of everything we've been through to help daughter accept relationship, because we've shared so much over last 4 years, because our dreams and aspirations are the same, because it felt so right, because I never felt that way in previous 27 years of a "good" marriage, because my family like him and could all see how happy I've been and because he made me laugh a lot!

I could go on with a load more positives - the only negative I can honestly think of is that sometimes it felt he was uncomfortable revealing too much vulnerability (fiercely independent when he was ill - hospitalised via A&E - recently).

I simply cannot understand how it could all fall apart so suddenly and a person is able to apparently "fall out of love", walk away and forget a huge chunk of their life!

I think even if this was now somehow resolved and the relationship returned to 'normal', you'd never feel truly relaxed with him again. He's hurt you. You can't get back to how it was. So why keep hoping? I think it's over really. Loose ends need tying up though. He seems to have little regard to everyones feelings, maybe you should be the bigger person here and do what needs doing.

I feel bad for you. But you can move on and be happy.

Morning Ampm - ditto. I have most of DP's siblings and their children as friends on Facebook. I haven't contacted them, but I keep getting friend invitations from them! His mother was over the moon when we got together, keeps hinting about wedding hats as he's her favourite and eldest child of a large family, and has reached 54 without ever marrying and only living with someone once before, for a disastrous 3 months! They're a mad disfunctional family, but I like them! (Father was toxic and is I think at the heart of DP's problems, but he's dead now). It's always hard when you break up - you not only lose your partner but their family and friends. I went through that when DD's father and I divorced and I dread it happening again.

I think it's probably best to keep schtum for now with your 'outlaws'. Maybe just send them a notecard now and then saying hallo and giving some neutral news, so you maintain contact, but don't say anything about matters between you and their son - and writing rather than calling means they don't get the opportunity to ask about things you and he are doing together, so you won't be put on the spot. And good, don't contact him - see if he contacts you. A bit of distance never hurt anyone.

Hi Cheerful Vicky, and how are you?

To Tanee and SolidGold in particular - wise words again and I think you really do understand. I'm still not brave enough to tell him it's over (even though I can see your logic) but WILL NOT get in touch.

My next problem is his parents, with whom I have quite a nice relationship (they live 150 miles away) i.e. we've been chatting once a month or so, send each other interesting magazine articles etc. Since this all came to a head back in April, I've not been in touch apart from a chatty Easter card - just don't know what to say or, to be honest, do not want to say anything which might make it worse between partner and me if their son hasn't said told them situation! Does this make any sense? I simply don't want to put a lovely elderly couple in a difficult position if they were unaware of our problems (although I guess they must have an inkling now after a couple of months) AND of course I've been hoping it would all work out. Similar situation with partner's daughters and his brother - how can I just "disappear". Am I crazy to want to put my side, without being spiteful or go into great detail, just say that it's been good to know them and (especially with daughters) wish them well in careers, future wedding etc. I guess it's a closure issue but then I have the dilemma of what if it's not over - see I just keep "hoping" .....

Also, what SolidGoldBrass said.

I had a horrid thought though, guess I should mention it.

Maybe he found your dd attractive?
Hope not, but it might explain a sudden change. And if so, apart from , nice of him to disapear rather than...[shudder emoticon].

You say that he has said he doesn't want to prolong things if there is no future. Maybe he is looking for a more settled permanent relationship, living together? Marriage?

Maybe not, I guess you will have asked him that?

Ah, there is such good advice on this thread it warms my heart Listen to Solid and Tanee! Very wise words there. Chin up, love. x

By building NEW memories - believe me, I could soon be in the same position as you - as it is, my DD has sworn she will not share the house with my DP any longer than she has to (his recent behaviour has alienated her after all our care to bring her round). So if he goes, she will stay on another year as a first year student before moving out as she should, and if he stays, she will be off asap. I too can't face the thought of him going and I too will be up at 4am weeping if he does, but WE CAN GET THROUGH . Big, big hug to you AMPM, I know how we old things build up our dreams of a happy ending just as much (if not more) than the young MNetters. The thought of a lonely old age when we still feel young, does not appeal. But hey, you met someone you could love twice, maybe third time lucky?

But before you give up on this man, just try telling him it's over - try walking away from him - in case that works. Put on the best performance of your life even if it breaks your heart - it just might work. And if it doesn't remember what SolidGold and I said - if he WANTS to be with you, he will be. If it's meant to be, it will be. If it's not, there may be someone much better out there, just keep yourself open to the possibilities (and I should try to take my own advice )

A big thank you to everyone who's taken the time to read/respond - I know I'm sounding pathetically weak (and my handful of really close friends find it hard to deal with me being so broken by this) but it's like everything I dreamed of in the future has been erased. Daughter may well be away at uni in next 12 months so will be "empty nesting" and I honestly thought that partner and I would enjoy growing old and wrinkly together. So many hopes and plans just wiped out - how could he do this? The sane side of me knows I will survive but, oh god, when I wake up at 4am tears streaming down face at the thought of another day, trying to put on brave face when inside I'm just empty and numb and so desperately wanting to be held once more, how can I stop going over and over the memories?

SolidGold always gives good advice - she's right - get on with your life and don't wait around for him. It will make you feel better, keep your mind occupied, and you never know, put you in the way of all kinds of new adventures .

Glad to have made you feel less alone - and remember, it's love and pain that make us human - and valuable humans too. You gave your daughter all the love and support she needed to adjust to losing her dad and accepting a new man in your/her life - you have done a fantastic job!

Yes, 'withdrawing' is good - it will show him you are not desperate. But actually calling his bluff and TELLING him it's over may be even better. It will shock him. I do this every time my DP says he's had enough and wants to sell up - last weekend he asked me which estate agent I'd prefer, and I told him to go ahead and do it all himself, I leave it in his hands - and he hasn't said a word about it since.

It sounds pathetic I know, but control can be a big issue here. If we take the control back, they are left with nothing - and they may then find that they really need us.

Of course you love him - just as I love mine - and don't they just know it! But think of this as tough love - it might just work!

There are various possible explanations for this but the key factor is that, sadly, you can't make someone love you/commit to you/remain in a relationship with you if that person has decided it's time to move on. Ask him what he wants to happen, listen to what he says, and decide what you want to do in response ie if he wants to keep seeing you but see other people would you prefer a clean break? It may well be best to tell him that a temporary separation is a good idea and, when it happens, get to work building a life without him. WHatever you do, don't be suckered into waiting around with your life on hold while he 'works out what he really wants'.

The thing is, ampm, you must be feeling so out of control of your life due to his sudden change - and that feeds into your distress (I speak from experience). It may help your mind to regain some of that control by telling him you either want answers that you can deal with or discuss, or you don't want to hear from him again. You may be surprised by his reaction. Whatever you do, try not to plead - that will just give him more power and won't work if he's really gone off the boil. It's hard to face, but we cannot MAKE a man love us.

Or he may indeed be a committophobe, in which case he is always going to disappear when things get too comfy (my DP is one, I think, he dumped me 20 years ago and he seems to be trying to do it again and he has had more relationships than hot dinners, amzingly we have lasted 6 years this time round)...

Or yes, it's always possible that he's ill and afraid to tell you...

Oh it's such a relief to know there's someone out there who's had a similar experience. Yes, have asked if there was anyone else (no) and for a while even wondered if he was getting back with ex wife (again no, although he would always be there to help if needed, which I was aware of and OK about). I've met daughters, ex wife, brother and his parents at various family events over the years and felt totally comfortable.

As to saying I want to end the relationship if he is unable to be like before, I simply can't face the thought of life without. I'm trying not to make contact to see if "withdrawing" makes him miss me and this is proving really hard, breaks my heart, never knew loving could lead to such pain.

Yes, as hard as it is, maybe the time has come to ask him outright.
Could he be I'll? Just a thought, it's hard work trying to second guess the male mind!

ampm I am so sorry to hear this - some of what you've experienced is similar to me - similar age (we're not too old to post ), same age daughters, same hostility from DD at start - and a new DP living several miles away (my troubles only started when he and I bought a house together).

What seems significant is that his behaviour changed, from what you say, quite suddenly. If he says he has no answers, he is probably being economical with the truth - he may have answers that he is afraid of voicing, because he thinks they may hurt you and make HIM feel bad about himself - not realising that having NO answers is sheer torture for you and just prolonging the agony.

Have you asked him straight out if he has met sometime else? You say you have only texted in the last month. Have you actually spoken on the phone or face to face? In my previous experience, whenever a boyfriend started the 'want space' speech, it meant he had met someone else or wanted to meet someone else. In other words, like the title of that excellent book, he was 'Just Not That Into Me' and the best thing I could do was leave him to it and move on, no matter how much I thought I loved him.

Or maybe he is scared of this new commitment to you? Do you think he feels under pressure to commit, now that DD has accepted him, even if you are not pressuring him? Have you met his daughters and are they happy with him having a new relationship? I have a friend whose Internet-met new partner has two toxic adult daughters who will never accept her. Causes no end of grief.

Also, have you tried telling him that if he can't offer you the relationship you once had, you want to end it now, no more contact, nadir. You might find he comes running when he thinks he is really losing you, and that you are not desperate to hold onto him. And if he doesn't - then it will hurt, really hurt, but at least you will know where you stand and be able to start moving on.

I have similar problems with my current DP - long story - and I am wondering if I will have to say goodbye to him, despite knowing that he has been the love of my life. But we are ONLY in our 50s and I am sure that there are other, NORMAL men out there for us.

ILoveTiffany - so sorry, don't mean to make you start doubting, just trying to make some sense of the mess. Still in shock and trying to think of anything which could have triggered this breakdown. Love him so much, can't think straight, just getting through another hour without crying in the office

Having said I wasn't being complacent, now have to admit the thought never occurred to me that after 4 years he might still be "looking", but we have no secrets in terms of paperwork and no Dating Website payments have leapt out at me from the bank statements that I get to file.

As for your theory, you're scaring me now!!! I'm four years down the line in a long distance relationship, also 50 miles between us, but he visits here, we don't move around together......and no talk of marriage I'd living together either.

Did he take his profile off the dating site!? Because many men keep it on in hope of meeting more partners.......

Don't want to sound complacent, but I'm pretty certain that's not the case (he's a complete workaholic i.e. 6am - 9pm not unusual) and we've also spent most of week together either at one house or the other. It feels a bit like he's trying to back away, put space between us and deny all that was so great the past 4 years, like I don't exist? A friend mentioned "commitment phoia" where relationship has reached a point of such deep love that only (perceived) way forward is a commitment and this is too scarey for them to handle for some reason. Have you ever come across this theory or am I just clutching at straws for an answer?

Do you think he has met someone else?

Hope I'm not too "old" to ask questions on this site - really need advice from anybody who maybe understands, so here goes. Background: Young 52, widowed 8 years ago when only daughter 10. After 3 years creating new home on shoestring budget decided time to make new friends and explored Internet Dating. Talked to just 2 men, met one and knew immediately it was going to be good.

Daughter hated him with such depth/anger that we sought professional counselling and happy to say that after 3 tough years she accepted and has grown into a lovely young lady. I've been so happy and felt I had found my soulmate. The problem is ...... soulmate (we live 50 miles apart but divide week between 2 houses) has started to distance himself and be less caring/loving after Christmas. Said he needed space and wasn't sure of love anymore.

I'm devastated - talked of future dreams and thought we'd grow old together (he has older daughters and good relationship with ex wife). I'm not pushing for marriage and just can't understand how we have reached this point of separation so suddenly. Now feeling so lost and empty. Struggling to hold it together for daughter (now 17 and she's feeling guilty for the bad start)and it's hard to focus at work. Can't sleep, cry more than ever did when husband died and simply do not understand what's going on. How can a strong, warm, funny, romantic relationship change like that? He has no answers and says doesn't want to hurt me more by prolonging things if there is no future. We've only exchanged a couple of texts in last month and I am so very hurt, it's unbearable. Would appreciate any words of wisdom to help me get through this nightmare.