Hi all

Have finally found ten minutes to join in...

mrsasp... we've read the Solutions book too. It was quite a while ago but seem to remember that there was a lot of good things in there but it did feel on the whole a bit depressing... maybe it is a little too honest! I think it gave good descriptions of the areas of difficulty... maybe I should read it again before I make any other comments!
Not sure that I would give it as a first read to my DH - I think your instincts are right to be a little concerned. I think Tony Attwood's guide might be a little more balanced perhaps?

Have also read Baron Cohen... I'm not convinced about him neither, sorry. Interesting but... maybe too 'positive' and down plays the problems...? and his idea about AS/male brains systemizing seems over simplified to the extreme. My DH is not very systemizing about much other than his method of eating or his hobby! The way my DH approaches the rest of the world is very unsystematic. But it's another book perhaps that I should revisit...

I think the NAS Centre in Bromley used to do private diagnosis, but am not sure if they do any more. We went there and would recommend it. As Amberlight suggested, the NAS have a list and I seem to remember there were a couple in London. Good luck with your search.

It's great that you are focussing on the time ahead with your friends rather than the misunderstandings - that's the way forward for a cheerier life whilst you both adjust to the diagnosis. DH and I have a couple of misunderstandings daily and are learning to deal with them without him becoming overly anxious or me becoming overly angry/upset. I do agree that misunderstandings will be a full time part of marriage, though I am learning to anticipate them now and avoid them much more, so hopefully they will become less frequent. And having time out is a really good way of not having any misunderstandings - make sure you get some regularly. No marriage should be spent in each other's pockets!

Anywhere between £450 and £1000. The National Autistic Society has a list - you can ring their helpline and ask on 0845 070 4004

There's not a lot of them for adults, so be prepared for a long journey

A load of misunderstandings alreasy today between me and DH. I feel quite cheerful though, possibly because I'm seeing friends tomorrow and today didn't actually see much of DH.
Does anyone know how much it costs for a private diagnosis? And where is best to go?
At present we've been told it's at least a six month wait on the NHS.

Well, if it helps, I know many parents with an ASC who are excellent carers of their children. Instead of needing to look at facial expressions, we tend to learn first aid and do the whole parenting thing by simple observation, questions, knowing to ask for help if necessary etc. I have co-run toddler groups, rugby tours for youth, staffed first aid points, and work in child protection. If I'm a risk to children, no-one can identify how. Nor have I personally seen any children injured, neglected or otherwise by ASC parents. I'm sure it must happen, but I doubt the rate is higher than the general population. I've seen a hell of a lot of children badly injured by 'ordinary' (non-ASC) parents over the years in the child protection work, though.

As with all things, good training and good rules are what makes the difference, plus good access to a source of info/help.

But with child safety, always use your discretion, with anyone, whether ASC or otherwise.

Thanks Amber I will get that Baron Cohen book. I'm sat here reading the Juanita Lovett book as I bought it on Amazon. I'm having a quick flick through it to decide whether or not to show it to DH.
As he's never read about AS before, I didn't want it to be a book that would upset or depress him, or make him decide he DEFINATELY wasn't AS. So I didn't want him to read a book that was too negative, or that listed extreme traits of AS that he doesn't have.
I'm a bit worried now after having read a bit of the Juanita book. It sounds so glum about the AS/NT marriage; it also makes out that AS parents may be unsafe to look after children! Because they have trouble predicting outcomes, apparently, and also cos they don't recognise if someone's upset or in pain. It's making me quite worried about DH and DS.
It also talks alot about NT's having strong "central coherance" and AS folks having weak "central coherance" and I think Dh will have trouble accepting he has any weakness! Oh dear this is so scary. I want to understand the condition and I want DH to understand it but there's so much information; I don't know what to think..
And most of the info seems to point to the fact that DH and I are going to continue to have major marital difficulties, even after he gets diagnosed. I just want to cry myself to sleep, and I probably will do

"The essential difference: male and female brains and the truth about autism" is a good one by him.

Haven't read the one by Juanita as yet, though I do have it at home in the pile to be worked through. Will let you know...

Hi everyone,
Thanks for all your input Amber- I looked at the Baron Cohen books on Amazon but wasn't sure which would be most useful for Dh in understanding his condition; do you know which one would be best?
Also I found a book called "Solutions for Adults with Aspergers" by Juanita Lovett; have you heard of that one and do you now if it's useful?

Yes, it can be very hard indeed to tell ASC behaviour from people just being people.

But it's true that we cannot use common sense in the way that others can, and that we often need to repeat a new learning experience 30-50 times before it 'sinks in'.

Intelligence is irrelevant. Ignore it. Intelligence tells a person that 2+10=12 but it's a totally different bit of the brain that handles social interactions and understandings. And it's missing. There's just a gap filled with statistics.

Every single thing to do with people has to be learned as a manual rule, painstakingly.

We can learn them. Some people choose not to try, or think they can just blame everyone else around them. Not just ASC people - anyone can have those attitudes. Those are the ones that don't manage to create working relationships, whether ASC or not. It's just harder for us because we have to work up to 50 times as hard to get the same social result.

Listen to your instincts. Don't rush into anything. Test it, try it, reason it through, see what help there is out there.

Thanks Amberlight, it's really useful to hear it from someone who knows. DP has flatly refused the smallest ceremony and is proposing vegas a la britney . I'm not really a vegas kind of girl, but there you go.

What worries me more is that when DN is living with us these situations will arise on a daily basis. How will I cope? I know you use the example of a wheelchair user, but DP is a very intelligent man, can he not think, in such situations, I'll listen to Maki because I'm rubbish at this sort of thing, best let her handle it. ?

I'm having a bit of a wobble and feeling trapped because now that we've told DN he'll be coming to us, our relationship is permanent because if I wanted to leave I could take DS but I can't take DN and I can't leave him.

He feels that because he could cope with anything (he had to, as a child of DN's age, because his parents were like children themselves and he organised his own life, provided his own boundaries, swapped silly presents for books he needed and even washed his kit for school) so DN should be able to as well. I know he can't put himself in someone else's shoes, but surely on a logical level he can understand that not everyone is like him?

Sometimes it's hard, when your partner is AS, to identify what is AS behaviour and what is plain out of order.

I just don't want to bring poor DN into a family that isn't functioning which means I have to find a way round this before he arrives.

Maki, congrats aplenty at the news!

We can worry hugely in advance of ceremonies. Tight clothing, getting things exactly right - what to say and not say etc -coping with changes in routine, sensory changes in the rooms themselves, making decisions about things where we have to pick the right cards/flowers/gifts etc. Those are so loaded with social expectations that it's a nightmare, because our brains don't store the social info at all. If someone says to me "I need you to help me choose just the right card for Mrs Bloggins my elderly aunt", I'm struggling to even remember who she is, let alone what she likes or doesn't like. Then they show me three cards and say "which one?" and frankly I can't help a lot because my brain can't look at the card AND find any info on Mrs Bloggins at all.

It's like someone holding up three identical bricks and saying "Which one?" and if I don't pick the right brick, bursting into tears and saying I don't care. Terrifying.

I'm very reliant on people knowing the social things, and them not minding if I can't get those things right. It doesn't mean I don't care about them, or their relatives. My brain just won't store things in the same ways as yours will.

And I'm normally ok if I can visit each venue alone or in quiet and really explore it, look at the loos, contemplate whether I can cope with the foods and drinks, and really plan what's what.

Nope, we can't 'put ourselves in someone's shoes'. That bit of the brain isn't there. Same as wheelchair users can't just get up and walk. But we're good at logic, mostly, so finding a logical way to explain things normally gets round each problem: "If I told you to attend a different school without seeing it first, would you cope? No? The rule is that this probably applies to someone else too. Children must be consulted on the school and must see it first (etc)".