Alone on Saturday night...ideas please?

[neva]

It's Saturday night, and I'm alone.

I get just one night per fortnight when I can be with bf, when the kids are away.

So why has he chosen to spend this night with a friend - who he could see anytime- instead of me? He hinted he would rather be with me. Little consolation when he's chosen not to be. Particularly as he does this quite regularly.

I will be seeing him tomorrow, just for the day. And it will then be 2 weeks before I can see him again. Surely a relationship needs more time than this?

How should I be tomorrow?

Do I tell him that I'm feeling hurt? If I tell him, I come across as needy and possessive. And if he does then start seeing me consistently when I'm free - how do I know he's doing it because he really wants to, or just because we had a conversation and he feels he has to?

I think probably I have to just pretend that everything's OK, be happy, try to make the day the best it can be for us. But this is so, so hard!

Any experience of this type of thing please, and any ideas?

[mrsboogie]

I have a little experience with this type of thing - if I were you I would be texting him right about now saying that I had bored and decided to go out with the girls (presuming it isn't now possible for you to go out?) and I would then proceed to have a fab (virtual or real) night out (including getting chatted up by other blokes) which would be relayed to him by the occasional text and then around midnight I would go quiet...

[neva]

Thanks Mrsb. Sadly (as he knows) I am not really a 'night out' person. But I did go out for the day, with friends, male and female. He knows I don't sit around moping when I'm not with him - well, not until the evening comes anyway.

[yousaidit]

hmm, why are you only seeing him once a fortnight, neva, if you don't mind me asking? when he hinted he would rather be with you, what's he like with regards to showing how he misses you during the two weeks you don't see him?

[poshsinglemum]

I would tell him how you feel- better than being resentful. Mkabe if you tell him in a non-needy way. I could never keep a man so mabe you shouldn't listen to me!

[neva]

We live far apart, hence difficult to meet midweek. He texts most days, emails. Plus letters. Nothing very emotional, but then, he's a man. I don't know, it seems there's this inequality between us, because he's as free as a bird, whereas I'm hardly ever free, and so have to make this effort to keep my weekends available for him, and sometimes to make the huge effort to see him in between, involving babysitting, long journeys, etc. Maybe I'm making too much effort, maybe I should be unavailable sometimes, but then where would that leave us? We'd be spending even less time together!

[yousaidit]

long tem would you want to be spending more time togther? if so, how would you do it and would it be worth looking at putting than plan into action now?

[neva]

Yes, yousaidit, I would like to spend much more time with him. The time we do have together is fabulous. But I suspect that he might run a mile were I to start making plans. He is quite independent and also cautious. Maybe the way he won't see me each and every time I'm free is his way of keeping his 'independence.'

[yousaidit]

well, if you're happy with things, then fair enough, he might not like the rigidty of it being sat eve every couple of weeks must be spent togather (not sayong he doesn't want to spend time with you, just not want it to be sort of 'timetabled' if you like).

dare you gently broach the 'are you happy with things ' conversation with him?

[lostinthecitylover]

ditto here neva. Tho I think I might also be quite cautious too!!

But do resent the fact that I have limited free time (when dcs are with exh) and he has unlimited free time.

Sometimes it seems like too much effort.

And in more cynical moments wonder whether it suits him to have me avaialble for him whilst he gets freedom.

Sorry to sound so negative. I am also hardened to it all as ladies on fit and available thread in lone parents will testify.

[maltesers]

i reckon just tell him that you would love to see more of him (when you are having a cosy moment etc...with a drink or something). Question is, how close and intimate are you ??

[neva]

Yes, yousaidit, maybe in a way he wants to keep things unpredictable and, as you say, untimetabled. That's a good way of looking at it. If this is part of what's happening, for things to change, he will have to start seeing that there is are downsides; first, that it limits our time together, and, second, that it causes me emotional pain. Maybe I do need to inform him of this in a non-accusing way.

Thanks all.