Should I go and see him?

[NoMoreNagging]

I've just left my h and moved back home to be near family, initially on a trial period. We have 2 dc and they have quickly settled into new school and I am starting to feel relaxed for the first time in years.

When we lived together h used to be so grumpy and all he could do was nag about things when he was home, we never did things together and he always left me to deal with any problems to do with school, the house, budgeting on a really tight housekeeping allowance even though he could afford more, anything really.

We agreed that I should go back to my home town as we were all so unhappy but since then h has been saying he misses us and he loves me and he wants me to go and see him for 3 or 4 days. Somehow I have the feeling he wants me to go and sort his washing out and clean up, that's all he needed me for before and he has been spoilt and never had to do it before in his life (thanks MIL)
He has been drinking and philosophising in long emails and phone calls. What should I do? I don't really want to go yet and he keeps saying he wants to see me but not the dc yet. They aren't even missing him because he never did anything with them except to nag or tell them to be quiet. When I say this he says he was happy to just have our shadows in the background and now everything feels empty.

He's abroad in Europe so I he wants me to fly out for a few days alone. I can't get my head clear to think straight about what I really want but I don't want to live out there again, I love the UK and although he has been applying for jobs here he has had no luck yet so he is stuck in his present job for another couple of years.

[mrsboogie]

what for? why would want to see him?

he doesn't want to see his kids

leave he selfish brat where he is!!

[mrsboogie]

sorry, why would you want to see him?

[NoMoreNagging]

That's what I keep asking myself. It's so confusing because I never nagged him back over the years, it might not have come to this if I had. He keeps saying he loves his kids and they need both parents but he didn't do anything with them except to stress them about getting better grades in school and to tell them to shut up.

[Doha]

No you say the kids are happier and you are more relaxed.

You and your kids come as a package, all or nothing. He wants you but not your kids "at the moment".

Tell him to naff off and stay where you are... If he wants to see you and misses you that badly let him come to you.

[makipuppy]

I think it's rather telling that he wants you to go over there rather than getting his own lazy self to the airport.

[aseriouslyblondemoment]

it's amazing what you miss when you no longer have it isn't it?
is it actually you and the dc he misses or the convenience factor and happy ideal of marriage?
i strongly expect from your post that it's the latter for him
you're obviously enjoying your life there with the dc and they apparently don't miss him
take your time to decide what you truly want here
only you can decide if your marriage is worth saving

[NoMoreNagging]

Thanks everyone, I think that is what is going around in the back of my mind and he should definately make the move to meet me if he wants to. I could get him to fly into a convenient airport and stay in a hotel where (I could meet him).

He has mentioned getting psychological help because he has behaved badly since we left, drinking, not sleeping, not even changing his clothe sfor days and probably it has hit him hard realaising that he has been at fault and he knew it but wouldn't do anything about it. He needs to calm down alot more before I want to meet him.

[warthog]

i would not go. i would not spend long on the phone with him either, and would not respond to the emails other than what you absolutely have to do.

[AnyFucker]

I cannot see any reason for you to go and see him in your post

You are moving on, don't let his self-indulgent reminiscing tug at your heartstrings

And if you ever do any of his scivvying ever again, I personally will hunt you down and give you a slap

[NoMoreNagging]

It's a deal AnyFucker, I was always just too soft and I need this separation to get my strength back to stand up to him. I still can't say I never want to give him a chance to change as I think he could be a great dad and husband if he could invest some of the energy he puts in to his working life over to us. At work he's the great guy, funny, helpful and hard working but at home he always just layed on his back and slept and ate what was put infront of him.

I always used to watch Obama and think, bloody hell he is the president and he has time to go on holiday with his family and take his dc to school and baseball matches, how come my h never has time to switch off from work and be nice to us for more than 5 minutes.

[warthog]

or you could go and use it as a break from your kids. use his place as your base and go out all day, come home for some food at night that you've expected him to cook. enjoy the sight seeing, go out for coffee, relax and read the newspaper on the sofa. fuck him. do to him what he's done to you all this time.

[NoMoreNagging]

That's a good idea, I could have a weekend in London, and a long weekend in Manchester or in any place he can fly into easily couldn't I? I have family to babysit too.I couldn't go to his place though because I'd end up tidying up or sorting his paper work out, another of the things he hates doing.

[AnyFucker]

no,no warthog

the OP seems like too much of a nice lady to turn the tables and fuck him over like that

much better to keep a physical and emotional distance while she gets her head together

great idea though, like summat I would do

[BitOfFun]

If you don't really want to see him, fgs don't!! What's in it for you? A weekend of earache. If you've got babysitting, why waste it on something so unenjoyable? I vote that you, me and Anyfucker have a girls' weekend I Barcelona

[AnyFucker]

hell, yes

although I fancy Rome meself....

[Ivykaty44]

If he misses you so much - why hasn't he bothered to fly here.

Don't say work or money cos where there is a will there is a way...

He wants his socks washing and his todger serviced

[undermilkwood]

you say you are feeling relaxed for the first time in years. I would say that is a sign that the decision you have made is the right one. let him work to your timescale, not the othe way around.

[NoMoreNagging]

I've had him on the phone twice today, one time he seemed to have grasped how to behave and accepted it all, the next time he was drunk and telling me I'll never come back to him and he can't find a job NOW in this country. The first call he was saying that his contract runs 2 years and he shouldn't leave as he has too much work that he can't just drop. Sounded like he was talking sense too but now this, it's bloody good for my diet because it sort of turns my stomach and I feel sick when he talks like that to me.

I just went into town and had to unplug the phone as my niece was staying in with my ds and I couldn't risk him saying something stupid on the phone to her or even asking to speak to ds and saying something stupid.

[BitOfFun]

If even talking to him on the phone is this upsetting, then yes, stop doing it!

You need a break from this man, and he is being very unfair inflicting himself on you like this.

[warthog]

my god. next time he phones, chat about the kids or whatever you absolutely have to tell him. then when he starts on with this crap say 'ooh sorry, have lovely roast chicken in the oven. gotta go or it'll burn! byyyyeeeee' put down phone.

[NoMoreNagging]

Update on latest phone call, he must have been even drunker as he was saying f*k you and saying divorce and over and over f*k, then I put the phone down. Half an hour later he phoned again so my sister picked up and told him I was in the bath and now I've unplugged the phone and if he rings my sister she's going to tell him I'm too upset to speak to him and what was he thinking speaking to me like that. He's an academic aswell so he shoul dbe intelligent enough to know that isn't good behaviour

Worst possible scenario would be if he turned up here though. I am really worried the effect all this could have on our dc, I could cry for them if they knew how he is behaving.

[AnyFucker]

screen all calls

screen all "visits"

perhaps you now need to start communicating through a solicitor

I fear this will escalate to him further abusing you and terrorising the kids/your family

he is not getting his own way, so has now thrown the dummy outta the pram

typical immature behaviour

treat him like he deserves, ignore it

but I feel you do need to tell him that this behaviour is only likely to push you further away, and if this is what he wants, then to carry on, 'cos it will make it easier for you to tell him to fuck right off outta your life

[NoMoreNagging]

OMG "I fear this will escalate to him further abusing you and terrorising the kids/your family" this is my worst nightmare.

Spitting the dummy out is sort of what he's doing isn't it? I just hope he calms down because we don't deserve this, and he knows it. He needs help and I always behaved fairly towards him. If he was in teh same country I'd be shit scared right now but I still can't sleep for fear of him doing something stupid after all this.

[AnyFucker]

sorry, didn't mean to frighten you

but his erratic behaviour is concerning isn't it?

I expect that when you seperated he was under the impression you would come crawling back with your tail between your legs......

you are not following his "plan", hence the tantrums

at least you are seeing him in his true light

not a pretty one

[NoMoreNagging]

I don't know how to handle this anymore. He has emailed as if nothing happened yesterday and phoned saying he couldn't remember what he said to me and that he was too drunk and he will try not to drink. He says he analysed my emails to him from a few weeks ago and in one I wrote that this separation was not indefinate and if after a period of time he still had to work longer term over there we could try getting back together, in another I wrote that I never wanted to set foot in that country again which is what I felt when I wrote it as I hated it there.

With his philosophical side he was analysing and not understanding which statement I really meant (I'm confused myself) and then started drinking and that is for him, understandable. I didn't manage to say much on the phone as I was still in shock abit.

Apart from all that life couldn't be better where we are now and my dc are so happy and I just hope I haven't messed it all up for their sake.