Stand-off with Non-Voting DH - feeling rubbish - need symapthy / advice pls!

[FeelingLousy]

I'd really some help here to make sense of all this. Sorry - may get long.

Dh got in from work just before 7 pm last night. I was in the kitchen and I heard him come in, say something to ds then ds started crying. Dh came in the kitchen. Said hi, how are you, good day at work etc. Then I said "Are you going to vote?" and dh said no. I replied "Why?" and he said quite loudly (I'm trying to be fair here, I cuold say he shouted) "I don't want any grief from you, I've had a long day at work, the kids are giving me hassle now I get it from you".

I was really surprised and stung by this but he went off and sat down in living room. I felt like he'd slapped me the face, shut me up and I also felt really frustrated and disappointed that he wasn't going to use his vote. So I hung around in the kitchen avoiding him.

When I went back int othe living room he seemed fine, as if nothing had happened. I was really not happy, and he rounded on me again, saying that I was hanging around like bad smell. I said well yes, I'm upset with you. He asked why it was such a big deal and I said a) because it's lazy not to, and b) this is an important one because of the political unrest atm. Dh replied by saying that he may as well have stayed in the town where he works and got drunk, and if he'd known that I was give him hassle, he would have.

THere was so much I could have said, but I didn't. We sat there and watched Big Brother but my heart felt like a stone (BB didn't exactly help!) I didn't say anyting nasty back to him.

This morning dh said "YOu still not talking to me?" and I told him I was still hurt, and that regardless of the whole political apathy thing, I was hurt that he'd talk to me like that, with such little respect or love. I said that I felt it was his duty to vote, but really I was most hurt by his words to me. I told him I'd never dream of speaking to him the way he spoke to me - he'd be furious if I did.

Dh had previously arranged with ds (5) to do somehting special with him while I take dd toa doc appointment later today. As dh went to work he said over his shuolder, "I will look after ds if I'm back in time. Somehow I don't think I will be".

So over to you, MN jury. I know he's acting like a complete idiot, but what do I do, except sit here feeling crap? I have too much self-respect to let it go.

[FeelingLousy]

PS am regular, have namechanged as I know some MNers in RL (as does dh) and I wanted to be nice and safely anonymous.

[ReallyReally]

this is nothing to do with voting

your dh is acting like a cock

[FeelingLousy]

Yeah, I know (siitng here crying...what a wimp...)

[Northernlurker]

Take the kids to the doctor then out for tea and a play. Leave him a note just saying you've gone out with both of them so he doesn't think you've been abducted!

I suspect that when he gets home to an empty house it will give him enough space to realise what an arse he was. It also avoids the risk of a row the second he walks through the door.

[whoisasking]

Does he speak to you this way on a regular basis or is this just out of the blue?

(It's not wimp-y to be upset BTW)

[junglist1]

He came in and said something to DS and DS cried? Do you know what he said. It's not really about voting but about him being cruel

[ReallyReally]

oh absolutely go out

have tea out

make sure there is nothing in the house when he returns except one tomato and a crust

[FeelingLousy]

"one tomato and a crust" LOL!!!

thanx for making me laugh

He used to be really moody when I first met him but he has become a lot steadier now. Last time he did something like this was a year or so ago - and I remember saying then "You can't speak to me like that".

Junglist1, I suspect that ds asked for something (time on Wii, if I know him) and dh said no. So dh prob wasn't being unreasonable. From his POV he prob felt tht he was being assaulted with demands the second he walked through the door - hence he feels justified in defending himself, as he'd see it. Don't think he'll apologise.

[BitOfFun]

You are right to nip this in the bud. Why some men (and women I guess) feel that they can keep it together long enough to be civil to the rest of the world yet speak to the person they are supposed to love above all others like they're something on the sole of their shoe, I totally fail to understand

I had an ex like this- he accused me of trying to censor his feelings when I asked him to treat me with the same courtesy he'd had for everyone else that day...it killed all love I had for him in the end.

I agree you should be out at teatime, and at some point soon you need a serious but calm discussion of why this bothers you and the fact that it is a dealbreaker. You are not being unreasonable- afterall, infidelity is breaking the marriage vows, but so is talking to you like a piece of crap on a regular basis: he promised to cherish and respect you too, presumably! Married or not, these are the normal parameters of a loving relationship.

You have to listen to him too, and if he needs to "let off steam" or whatever when he gets it, ask him to come up with a way of doing that which doesn't involve him disrespecting you and making you feel unloved.

This is not about voting at all. But it IS important!

[FeelingLousy]

I know you're right, BoF.

Do you (all) think that this is a dealbreaker? In the sense that, if he doesn't apologise, gets on with life, we've got a busy weekend coming up so it could easily be swept under the carpet, I should get on with life too?

Or should I stand my ground and try to get him to see that he was wrong to speak to me like that? I've been imagining him speaking to other adults in similar vein (eg his parents, boss, colleagues, mates etc) and the glaringly obvious thing is he never wuold dream of it. BoF's dead right - it's the one he promised to cherish and love who gets treated the worst. Crap.

My instinct tells me he'd say I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.

[BitOfFun]

Too right he'll say that- but you have to get it through to him that this is important. Will pop back later- need to go out now x

[FeelingLousy]

No, not abusive, CrazyDiamon, but not nice either.

And this is the thing - dh hurts dw, knows he has done so, and does nothing about it. What does dw do?

[KingCanuteIAm]

The fact is that the right not to vote is just as real as the right to choose who you vote for. I understand your frustration but it is his choice.

WRT his behaviour, he said he had had a rubbish day, he obvioulsy felt lousy, wouldn't it have been better to let it go and ask what was wrong?

As it stands now he possibly feels rubbish about the way he was with you (assuming it is not usual for him), is going back to - possibly - another tough day at work and is expecting more atmosphere when he gets home!

Why don't you just text him, say You know it is up to him to decide about voting and you want to have a nice evening with him, perhaps he could bring a bottle of wine home? In the grand scheme of things he was a grumpy arse but that happens to the best of us sometimes, it is not up to you wether he votes or not, it is a personal choice and is only up for discussion if both parties want to discuss it really.

[EffiePerine]

he shouldn't have spoken to you like that and you are right to be cross

taking the kids out and leaving him to sulk prob a good idea

BUT I would say there is a time and a place for comments like 'why haven't you voted?' and the moment he gets in from work prob isn't it! A bit like him asking you to make him a cuppa when you've just cleaned up a load of sick from the kids... ye, treating your partner with respect is v v v important but so (IMHO) is tact

so if you want to be charitable, you could apologise for bringing up the subject at that time, but then say why you were upset at his response and go from there...

[KingCanuteIAm]

"And this is the thing - dh hurts dw, knows he has done so, and does nothing about it. What does dw do?"

Dw tries to find out what is going on, tries to help and/or understand - just like I would hope dh would do if the same thing happened the other way around. We all need a bit of give and take sometimes, the behaviour may not be right (well it isn't right) but raking over it is likely to make things worse at this stage, not better.

[EffiePerine]

or you could count this as a do-over, get a bot of plonk and sit down with a dvd...

[FeelingLousy]

Yeah, there's a lot of sense in that.

Politics means a lot to me so I find it unthinkable that someone would feel justified in not voting. So yes it was a bit of a red-rag to a bull. I'd have felt similarly if he decided not to come to one of the dc's birthday parties - to me political apathy / activity is personal - we all live in an interdependent society - so I couldn't help but take it personally. Being this firebrand I had to really bite my tongue not to go off on a rant.

Maybe I need to calm down a bit.

[FeelingLousy]

I know you're right, Dittany, about the right not to vote being a fundamental fact of democracy. I am on the periphery of local politics and v. involved in various local issues (closure of schools, hospitals etc) so I can't see how anyone can live in society and not want to contribute to it.

But I am a passionate person, and find apathy the hardest thing to understand.

[EffiePerine]

voting IS important

but so is being vaguely nice to the people we live with (most of the time)

I'd say you both momentarily forgot about each other's feelings (transl: a row ) so why not draw a veil over it? Then have the convo about voting and living in a democracy some other time (preferable after you've both eaten a decent meal and there are no kids around)

[FeelingLousy]

Not quite the same, Dittany. In N. Korea there is no choice - despite what the ballot papers may say. Here we have genuine choice - not that I'm claiming that any particular party is perfect, but there is real freedom.

If we chooes not to vote, we forfeit our right to complain about how our country is run (down to local things like our dc's school being shut down - grrr), because we have chosen to opt out. I can't see why anyone would want to do that.

[Pan]

you watch Big Brother??

[FeelingLousy]

Yes, you're right, EP, and me sitting here hinking about North Korea isn't exactly going to help matters!

I should go and do something constructive / enjoyable instead and hope that we'll both relax a bit more tonight...

I must be honest and say that this a stressful time atm - lots of change in the air. So any extra issues are going to poss tip the ballance of what we can both cope with.