DSD 'clinging'

[locqd]

I have a DSD whi is 12 who lives with us. Most of the time she's fine but when her dad is not here she CLINGS to me like mad. For instance, one morning her dad was at work, I was sat having my breakfast and she sat talking to me ... fair enough .... 10 minutes later I went to wash up ... she followed me and carried on talking to me in the kitchen ... I was polite ... but I almost burnt her with a hot pan as she was stood right behind me at one point so for my own sanity I went to sit outside with a coffee ... she followed me ... sat beside me and carried on talking to me. I remained polite, engadged conversation ... I then decided to clean the guinea pigs out, she followed me, right up my back, I couldn't move without falling over her.

I did get annoyed at this point and told her I was going upstairs to do my hair. My bedroom is my sanctury ... so I'm up there, nice and peaceful, 5 minutes later DSD comes in, sprawls across the bed and carries on talking to me.

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against her but I NEED space, I told DP this when I moved in and he assured me I would get it and I do from him, just not his DSD and I feel trapped because I know I can't tell her to back off without hurting her feelings.

Tonight, another example. Her dad goes out to tesco ... DSD sits next to me, talking to me. I ask her about school, about friends, ask her if she needs any help with homework etc etc ... almost an hour later I tell her I need to catch up on some work so I sit at the pc. She stands behind me and continues to talk to me. I can't concentrate ... I go to sit in the garden, she follows me. I give up, go to the bathroom, sit down on the bog and I hear a tapping at the door. DSD is there and wants to talk to me through the door!!! I tell her at this point that if she gives me a few minutes, I will be back with her and she can wait for me in the living room ... but no, she camps outside the bathroom door until I come out.

It's driving me NUTS.

How do I handle this without coming across like the evil stepmother?

[mrsboogie]

Oh dear. She is trying to bond with you in a mother daughter fashion I would imagine. Perhaps she is insecure. I can see why you find it stifling but you are going to have to bear with it I'm afraid. You should be flattered and pleased - if she resented you things might be a lot worse...

Could you think of something that you could be doing that doesn't allow interruption so that you could have some "you time" without causing offence? Working on your laptop in the bedroom? doing yoga? meditating? Explain that you must do this thing and be alone to do it and that you will have chats later?

[OrangeFish]

I'm sorry, you should be grateful to have a teenager SD willing to bond with you rather than willing to make your life impossible.

How long since you moved into her house?

How about organising special times with her, like going shopping or for a treat, and explaining to her that you need some quiet times when you won't be as available as when you have special times?

But please don't forget that she is a child and as every child she is trying not to be alone.

[MEMsmum]

Don't worry - in a few months time the only time she'll talk to you is when she wants you to buy her something, give her a lift somewhere or tell you to stop trying to run her life - she'll be in her room on MSN, will grunt when asked any question and you'll be looking back wishing she'd talk to you in sentences more than 3 words long!!

[shhhh]

aww she sounds like any typical child....

dd is 4 and ds is 2 and they both follow me around like little baby lambs It does drive me nuts at times BUT then I think "bless them, they obviously love me so much" .

I also then think back to when I lived at home...I recall sitting outside ..no in fact lying outside the toilet door talking to my mum . LOL at the time I didn't think anything of it but I now know how much I followed her about .

Don't be to harsh or you could undo what sounds like it could be a lovely relationship. x

[Yurtgirl]

Hi locqd - I feel your pain!

Its lovely that she wants to be with you and clearly she trusts you and likes you
Could there be some deeper reason why she is so clingy - something she is trying to say but doesnt know how for example

How is she with her dad?
What is the situation with her mother?

[Yurtgirl]

Actually another thought - could she be really clingy to you because she feels that her birth mother abandoned her in some way

I dont think this is normal behaviour for a child at all tbh - for a 9month old yes, for a two-four year old yes - not for a 12 year old

[Yurtgirl]

Also third thought!
I have some understanding of your op because ds is like that sometimes - he has aspergers

People with aspergers often go on and on and on and on about a faveourite topic of theirs and are completely unable to read the cues of the other person - even when told shhhhhhhhhhh and go away, ds often says "well as I was saying........."

HTH

[gothicmama]

it could be she has a poor attachment pattern and this makes her uncertain of how you wil respond to her therefore she needs constant reassurance from you are there and you are ok with her, she is probably missing her dad or the security she feels when he is around treat her kindly and plan nice things to do help her learn that you will not reject her on any levelbe patient and try and responde to her unspoken need, is there anything in the past which may have triggered these feelings inher - they f* you up bey Oliver James is a very good book which helps explain these things

[WundaWuman]

My 12 year old dd does this! I do get annoyed with her too. She likes to chat a lot but also often likes to be very close physically like your dsd. I try to be patient but sometimes I just have to tell her that i need some space. Also finding alternative things to focus her attention helps. There are certain times (when she arives home from school for instance) when she needs to talk - about mundane things, how her day was etc and it doesn't matter who is listening! It's no doubt a bit trickier for you but I don't think you should tread on eggshells until you eventually get angry. Just try to be honest and suggest other things for her to do, try saying "I need to do x for an hour, what are you going to do whilst i'm doing x?"