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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I think I hate my husband...

16 replies

maggie21 · 02/06/2009 23:17

I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that I really don't like the man I'm married to. We've been going through a bad patch for a few months now but it had seemed like it was getting better and on the surface we're not arguing like we have been and things are all a bit more civil.

The thing is, he is so negative about everything whereas I'm a really positive, optimistic person. I like to see the good in everyone and in life in general but he's the total opposite & he manages to spoil even the nicest days out with his attitude.

He always thinks he's right and whenever we have an argument he always turns it round onto me saying things like 'you see what you've done now? If you'd just kept your mouth shut...blah blah blah' I'm not the sort of person who'll just keep their mouth shut if I see or hear something that's clearly wrong (or dangerous, in the case of his driving).

He has a horrendous temper, I can hear him now shouting and swearing at his computer upstairs because it's going too slow for him. Why shout at a computer for God's sake?

Ugh, sorry for the rant but I don't know what to do. We're talking about having a second baby at the end of the year but in my head I don't even know if I can stand to be with him. I wish I liked him more but we got married really young and I think we've just grown up so differently...

Has anyone felt like this? Do I stay and hope it improves (or just pretend I still love him) for the sake of our LO or do I go and hope there's something better out there for me? I'm 28.

Thanks x

OP posts:

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Northernlurker · 02/06/2009 23:18

Have you tried telling him that he's making you miserable? If you haven't, how do you think he would react?

MrsMerryHenry · 02/06/2009 23:24

Can you remember why you married him? I think one of the problems of marrying young is, as you've said, that you change so much before the age of 30.

Does he claim to be a 'realist' when in fact he's a pessimist? He sounds like he has difficulty understanding the world and understanding himself.

It sounds like you've not tried any kind of relationship support/ intervention yet (though I assume he'd be the last person on earth to willingly 'subject' himself to professional help, right?). I think this is the best first step to try if you can. Someone I know of who used to be a relationship counsellor once said he'd never met a couple whose relationship could not be improved and saved. Obviously that depends on a lot of factors, such as, in your case, your DH's assent to intervention. But my point is that this guy found that all the relationships he'd encountered had the potential to survive.

I don't really know what to suggest for you, I'm sure someone with more insight will come along but just want to send you hugs and sympathy.

GypsyMoth · 02/06/2009 23:26

In my xperience, once you feel like this, and most importantly, you recognize it's how you feel, then it really won't get any better. You describe a similiar scenario to how it was with myself and my ex. In the end I just knew! The love had gone, but I truly despised him. He had a temper also and it somehow 'emasculated' him in my eyes. Hard to explain really...

maggie21 · 02/06/2009 23:34

Hi, thanks for your quick responses.

I have tried to talk to him about how down I've been feeling, most recently in about March but he just doesn't listen. He is very good at taking something I'm asking him to work on (like controlling his temper) and turning it round to say I need to stop 'winding him up' or that I need to have sex with him more

That side of our relationship has never been great (he's the only man I've ever slept with) and recently I've been wishing someone would come along and sweep me off my feet. I know that's pathetic and life's not like that but where's the passion in my life?!

My husband makes no effort to relax me, support me or even listen to me and it's only just dawning on me!! Oh my god, I thought I was clever!

He's shouting at me now to go to bed so I'd better go but thanks again, it's nice to know I'm not on my own. I can't face admitting this stuff to rl friends yet!

x

OP posts:

MrsMerryHenry · 02/06/2009 23:36

He sounds a bit manipulative, from what you've said so far.

Northernlurker · 02/06/2009 23:40

I know you've gone to bed but I thought I'd post this anyway.

He sounds like he's behaving very selfishly. I don't think that this is it for the two of you but if you are going to have a future he needs to understand how you should be respected and cherished - and you need to do the same for him. There is a great temptation to say all the fault lies with him - and maybe it does - but you are never going to fix anything if you constantly invest him with all the blame. I think you are quite angry with him atm. That is understandable but you won't be able to fix this if you hold on to all that anger. Something has to give on both sides - that is assuming you want to fix this.

Just don't go getting pregnant at the moment! That is definately not the way to rebalance things!

GypsyMoth · 02/06/2009 23:41

Er,from that last post, if I were you I'd get out, and fast!!!! No messing with 'counselling'. Be happy and be safe..... Not a chance of that with him is there!??

MrsMerryHenry · 02/06/2009 23:59

Just a word of caution, Tiffany. Unless a poster is actually being abused by her partner (and we don't know this yet) it's not advisable for an outsider to say they should leave their relationship. I appreciate that you've been through an experience which shares similar elements to what maggie21 has said, however you don't know her relationship as intimately as you know your own.

No two relationships are identical, so although your advice is well-meant I think you should be careful about what you suggest.

MrsMerryHenry · 03/06/2009 00:00

Also we only know maggie's side of the story.

GypsyMoth · 03/06/2009 00:30

Well I happen to think what the op has described is abusive. So therefore I would be gone! It sounds horrendous, and that's what I would do. Sorry if you don't like that. No need to warn me to be 'cautious' thanks. People who post here are looking for perspectives.........and that's mine!!

BEAUTlFUL · 03/06/2009 01:18

Hmmm... I've also had patches where I hated my DH, longed for passion, gazed out of the window wondering "Is this it?"

I've posted on here about them, and i know that posting/thinking about it REALLY made me hate him more! It's like as soon as you think you hate them, you look back over the years and conclude that you've always hated them and they've always been a twunt.

BUT... as soon as I've realised that I'm goin into a spiral of husband-hating, I now try to drag myself out of it immediately. I look deeper and try to discover what it is in my own life that I'm unhappy with, and focus on that instead. Then I adore him again.

I don't know if your DH is the right man for you or not, plus I'm 10 years (eek) older than you, with 2 kids. I'd never try to tell you to stay or go.

BUT, I will say that I've got through these periods to find it all improves again.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/06/2009 01:55

SO in a nutshell it sounds like he thinks you should obey him, shut up and suck his cock. Is this what you think relationships should be about, ie that the woman services and placates the man, and the man is the important one?Do you sometimes decide to let him have sex with you because otherwise he's going to get verbally or even physically aggressive? Has your relationship always been about what he wants?

Only you can answer these questions: you are the one who lives with him. But a good relationship is not (without a lot of prior negotiation and understading of SM dynamics) one of slave and owner. What efforts does he make, or has he ever made, to make you happy, to benefit you, to listen to you?

GypsyMoth · 03/06/2009 08:09

How are you today op?

echt · 03/06/2009 10:22

MrsMerryHenry -of COURSE we only hear one side of the case; otherwise we'd be marriage counsellors! Duh.

OP, if he's shouting at you to get upstairs, bin the fucker. Right now. No second baby; he's an arse.

Solid has good questions to ask yourself.

maggie21 · 03/06/2009 20:49

Hi everyone, thanks for all the advice, I really appreciate it.

I'm really hopeful that this is a temporary thing and I'll definately consider counselling with my DH.

I do understand that I have to shoulder some of the responsibility for the state of my relationship and to a certain extent I do think I've withdrawn myself emotionally over the last few months which can't be easy to deal with.

If I'm completely honest, our sex life is almost non-exsistent because I can't bring myself to sleep with him (but yes, I have just done it to keep him happy). I've even shed tears after the last few times because I feel nothing so I know it's rubbish! I do think about what it would be like with someone else.

I don't really know what else to say! It's not great is it?!

I do know he loves me and he'd do anything for our son but maybe that's not enough?

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 03/06/2009 20:53

Only you know that.

It's your call, nobody is forcing you to stay.

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