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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

what would you do ?

92 replies

isitcheating · 28/05/2009 15:51

my ex of a long time ago is in contact with me again and wants to meet up with me for a chat
ive been married 11 yrs to dh
is this cheating ?

OP posts:

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HolyGuacamole · 28/05/2009 15:53

Depends. You still have feelings for the ex? Would you keep the meeting secret from your DH? Do you know why ex wants to meet up? Is it even necessary to meet up?

yama · 28/05/2009 15:53

Will you be telling dh of your meeting ex?

harleyd · 28/05/2009 15:53

i cant see the problem, unless you are keeping it a secret

bigchris · 28/05/2009 15:54

I wouldnt meet up with him tbh

isitcheating · 28/05/2009 15:55

ok so i do still have feelings for this guy i feel that we were soulmates
i havent told dh i am in contact with him
i wouldnt tell dh i was meeting with him
i geuss the meeting up would be to see if we still feel the same as we did

OP posts:

isitcheating · 28/05/2009 15:55

we are both married and i have kids he doesnt nor does he want any

OP posts:

Pennies · 28/05/2009 15:56

Don't go there.

HolyGuacamole · 28/05/2009 15:57

Well in that case, I would see it as emotional cheating with a big possibility or intention of turning into physical cheating.

yama · 28/05/2009 15:57

In that case I would say that it was cheating. An emotional betrayal (at the least).

StirlingTheStrong · 28/05/2009 15:57

I think you need to turn this around and ask yourself if your dh did this, and didn't tell you about it, how would you feel?

mrsboogie · 28/05/2009 15:58

don't do it then. Next thing you'll be in the middle of a messy angst ridden affair getting hurt and hurting others.

If you are not happy in your current relationship either work on it or leave it.

Then see how you feel about this ex.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/05/2009 16:05

Would also call it emotional cheating; work on what is missing within your own marriage instead. Take a good look at your behaviour too as well as your H's.

Never a good idea to meet the ex; also you have no real reason to do so. Ex's are ex's often for good reason; you need to take the rose tinted specs of nostalgia off. That relationship should stay in the past; if you open that box it can be very difficult to close it again. Be careful what you wish for.

isitcheating · 28/05/2009 16:09

thanks for all your advice
im finding it hard to stop thinking about him
things with me and dh are not good ,we go for months with out sex up to 6 months at a time,we never kiss,we have absolutly nothing in common .
he has hurt me in lots of way one of which was bankrupcy ,too many things to go into
i think i only stay for the kids

at the same time this ex isnt in to kids and that doesnt sit well with me .
today he has given me his mobile number although i have not given mine
im in such a quandry
do i want to be in a loveless marriage for the rest of my life ??

OP posts:

unavailable · 28/05/2009 16:12

Think back to why you split in the first place. If you really were "soul mates" it is unlikely you would have split and gone on to have committed relationships with other people.

(I assume you also must have thought your dh to be your soul mate at some point or you wouldnt have married him.)

This is not real - its escapism/nostalgia/transference, or something else. Figure out what you are dissatified with in your real life and deal with that.

FigmentOfYourImagination · 28/05/2009 16:13

avoid, avoid, avoid if yu had any residual romantic/sexual feelings for this ex. It will end in tears.

Wordweaver · 28/05/2009 16:16

Two separate things here.

Do you want to stay with your husband?

Are you interested in rekindling something that was ended once before.

I would suggest that you need to sort out number 1 first, before even thinking about number 2. Keep it clean and don't mix the two up or you will end up in a hell of a tangle.

If your marriage isn't working and you want to leave, it should be about what is the best thing for you, dh and dc.

If the ex is worth anything, then he will still be worth it further down the line when and if you are single.

isitcheating · 28/05/2009 16:17

we had a silly argument and i went straight from ex to dh ,my fault of course but ex didnt try and win me back
i do realise in reality it wouldnt be all hearts and flowers but im wondering what if ?
ive never felt my dh is my soulmate it was more of i knew he would take care of me and i wanted childern badly and so did he
we are more like brother and sister and i dont think i have ever found him sexually aattractive

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messymissy · 28/05/2009 16:18

Two different issues here, isitcheating.

one, should you contact your ex

two, should you end your marriage if it is loveless.

Sounds like your ex getting in touch has brought to the surface your feelings about your marriage. He does not sound like a good prospect, and would imo be at best a distration, at worst blow your whole world apart if you start a relationship with him whilst still married.

As mrsboogie said, you need to sort out your marriage first, otherwise this ex could bring it crashing down around you.

sorry to sound negative.

Whatever happens, i dont think you should contact your ex. if your marriage doesnt work out, you will be a single mom with the kids - and your ex doesn;t want any. spells trouble you could well do without. So trust your gut, you said it doesnt sit well with you so, leave well alone and instead, have some time out to really think about your marriage and if you would be happier on your own with the kids.

and no one ever wants to be in a loveless marriage.

HolyGuacamole · 28/05/2009 16:18

You don't need to be in a loveless marriage. There might be solutions out there that can help you repair your marriage and on the other hand you could break up, only you know what is best for you.

The solution isn't to meet someone else whilst still in the marriage though. It will more than likely give you much more stress than you have at the moment. And ok, yes it might be the type of thing that could make you feel great.....but only for a short period until feelings get in the way and by that time it is too late, you'd be in it up to your eyeballs.

Wordweaver · 28/05/2009 16:22

And I second Messymissy's point about the ex's attitude to dc.

isitcheating · 28/05/2009 16:25

how can our marriage be repaired?
i have huge trust issues with him regarding money
i dont fancy him a little bit
at times he repulses me
i go blue in the face to take more care with his personal hygiene
my family dont really like him
they always liked my ex more

i have never ever even looked at another guy and my dh as far as i know has never cheated on me and i know he would be very upset if he found out we were talking.

OP posts:

Wordweaver · 28/05/2009 16:30

Can you bring yourself to try to communicate all this to him? Yes, he will be upset, but the fact is that this is an upsetting situation. It's going to be very difficult, but with the greatest respect, the only way through this is to talk to him about it.

Have you thought about/tried marriage counselling?

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messymissy · 30/05/2009 18:45

How are you isitcheating?

please dont compare your dh with your ex as you might end up distorting what both of them are really like. your ex sounds like bad news.

if you are really unhappy and counselling is not an option, then think of what a life apart would really be like, and that if you meet and set up home with someone else it should not be your ex.

worried about you.

isitcheating · 02/06/2009 15:57

hi messymissy
thanks for checking back with me
im ok
i asked ex what his intentions were towards me and i feel you were all right he wouldnt entertain the idea of my kids they are/look too much like their dad etc
he still wants to meet with me but only wants to be friends
i guess i was just day dreaming for a better life
still thinking of him lots though

OP posts:

isitcheating · 15/06/2009 11:06

ive decided to meet with my ex- i know i know you all told me its a bad idea but dh is away for work so have a chance to meet for a few hrs tomorrow
i think i just need to know one way or the other what if anything could come of it ,if we still have a spark.

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