Learning to love yourself - anyone gone from self-loathing to self-esteem and confidence? How?

[biscuitbuddy]

I've namechanged for this, and have posted in 'Relationships' because it concerns my relationship with myself - so sort of fits.

I have looooong had low self-esteem and low self-confidence. I grew up learning this from Mum, and having it reinforced by Dad. And now, having hit thirty and being on my own for the first time in a long while, I can see how much it has influenced my life until now: it's been involved in choosing undermining partners, in holding me back career-wise, in feeding a social anxiety that seems to get worse the older I get, and is even kicking in now with existing, solid friends.

Just below the surface lurks a very low opinion of myself, a harsh voice with something derisory to say about all I am/do. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to set this example to DS. And I would like to evolve enough myself to be able to find a healthy relationship in the future - which is unlikely to happen if I stay as I am.

So what I'd love to know is how can I learn to like and believe in myself? How can I learn to feel confident enough in my own skin to be able to mix comfortably with others, without self-consciousness? I showed so much promise at school, and feel I have so little to show for my time since; I feel overtaken by my peers. I want to get back in the game - and I think I need to be happy with who I am to do that.

Anyone managed this kind of turnaround? How?

Grateful for any words of wisdom.

[atterual]

Sorry I have got nothing to help you with but will be watching as my self esteem is very very low and Im truly unhappy with myself.

[poshwellies]

Maybe some CBT?

[biscuitbuddy]

Sorry to hear that atterual. I do sympathise. Hopefully some posters who've been here and come out the other side will be on soon.

I won't be able to check back in again for some time now, but will look in again tomorrow, if not later tonight.

[Greyclay]

Hi Biscuit - I think that cognitive behaviour therapy is precisely what you need, at least as a start. That "harsh voice" below the surface as you describe is the exact root of your problem and you will need to develop tools to learn how to stop listening to it.

I went through CBT 5 years ago after a failed relationship and it was the best thing I ever did for myself. I learned that you have to learn to kind to yourself and you need to be VERY careful at how you talk to yourself. For example, instead of thinking "I'm so stupid I always make bad choices", rather, "I made a mistake, everybody makes mistakes". I'm simplifying things here of course but the point is you probably suffer from huge cognative distortions of yourself and the world around you because of behaviours your learned from your parents in childhood. I certainly did.

The good news is that this can be fixed and you can build your confidence and self-esteem in the process. It really, really worked for me. Good luck.

[poshwellies]

Excellent post Greyclay.

I recommend this book for a taster of CBT

[Greyclay]

Posh - That is the exact same workbook I used when I went through therapy! It is excellent. I still read it on occasion.

[poshwellies]

I agree Greyclay

[screamingabdab]

I have also always struggled with low self-esteem and perfectionistic tendencies. In my case they are very much centred around work issues, though they sometimes pop up around social situations.

I agree that CBT is really useful. What I would say is to not underestimate the Behavioural part of things.

The way I am tackling things at the moment was inspired by a really good, really old book called "Fear the Fear and Do it anyway" I strongly recommend it.

For me, fear of failure or looking stupid has held me back. A central tenet of CBT (and that book) is that if you avoid certain situations you will never learn that you can cope, so you have to behave as if you can do it. I am now building my confidence by doing Voluntary Work, which is a really gentle way to learn skills and test yourself.

[ActingNormal]

Would you consider therapy? My therapist has helped me understand why people behaved the way they did towards me as a child and that it was not my fault, so I don't feel the shame and self loathing from that which I used to. He has helped me understand how the things that happened have affected me long term and caused me to have ways of thinking that were unhelpful to me and helped me to find better ways of thinking (sounds a bit like the CBT people are talking about).

[thirtysomething]

I agree with others that CBT could be v' helpful - I also think general, long-term counselling with a person-centred or psychodynamic counsellor would be beneficial as in order to "change" or at least accept what has made you the way you are in order to learn how to change, you may need to work through your childhood and see what has shaped you and how you interact in relationships etc - the relationship with your parents will continue to shape all yur relationships until you start to unpick the processes and understand why you behave as you do.

I would say you're already on the road to changing your self-image as you've made the decision to take action and that's not easy, so you've already achieved a great deal and are becoming aware of what you need to address. Therapy, CBT or even self-help books would all help you at this stage. Good luck!!

[FruitLoaf]

Sorry - I can't help either biscuitbuddy, but just wanted to thank you for the post as I have also have the same problem so will also be watching - if that's okay!

[warthog]

poshwellies, which book on that list are you recommending? that link has a whole list of books. ta

[EmmaDilemma]

I have found You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L Hay useful.

It gives insight into the theory of you are what you believe, your life is shaped by how you think.

It uses positive affirmation to change self belief and boost confidence.

[biscuitbuddy]

Thank you all for your posts. It's good to know this thread could prove useful for several of us.

Greyclay, I think you hit the nail on the head: this harsh voice in my head barely shuts up, and constantly talks me into feeling so useless about myself with its interpretations of my behaviour and interactions. It needs shutting up. I have been trying a confidence-boosting CD (cringe) which asks me to visualise myself as a more confident and at ease version of myself, and I do find that very difficult TBH - I (or the voice in my head) find myself thinking, "But I'm just not that person. I am pathetic, self-conscious, awkward, etc. This exercise is silly!" It sounds as though (some very robust) CBT could be helpful - thanks for that suggestion. It's so encouraging to hear how well it worked for you - that's exactly the kind of turnaround I hoped to hear of. Is Mind Over Mood the book you were referring to?

screamingabdab, I can relate to the perfectionist tendencies, too. They really don't help, do they? Each time I fail to do something to the (very high) standard I expect of myself - be it in parenting, socialising, work - that little voice has a criticising field day. This is fairly frequently, and it can also result in not wanting to try anymore - which I think explains why I have held myself back when I could have achieved a lot. I have just ordered a CD version of Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway, to listen to when I go for a walk in the sticks. Thanks for your recommendation too, EmmaDilemma.

I have had periods of counselling before, and been on a healing retreat that involved some fairly intense exploration into childhood issues. Some have helped, for a bit, and others not. I'm realising that nothing is a one-stop fix. Like exercising our body - ideally, finding time for three or four half-hour workouts a week - I suspect we need to do the same for our mental and emotional health, if healthy thinking doesn't come naturally. I haven't been, regularly, and the result is where I'm at now. Greyclay, do you find you still need to revisit what you learned in CBT five years ago - still read about it, and mindfully (rather than subconsciously) practise the techniques you learned?

[Lemonylemon]

On the subject of books you can read is "Healing the Child Within" by Charles Whitworth.

Also, there are books by Dr Phil McGrath which are quite good. The first one of his I read was "Stop Making Excuses and Start Living your Life"...

I had very low self-esteem for years, the root of which was my parents' attitude to me when I was young (in particular, my Mum). But I found that reading these sorts of books gave me some answers.... HTH

[poshwellies]

'Mind over mood' is the book Warthog.

[screamingabdab]

biscuitbuddy No, perfectionism is just a blardy waste of time.

I can see it in my oldest son and I'm am dismayed. I so desperately don't want him to butt up against himself in the way I do. I hope by understanding, and making changes to myself, I can help him. It's a good incentive for me.

[Greyclay]

Hi Biscuit - yes Mind Over Mood is the book. It's more of an exercise book really, with case studies and "homework". I used the book in conjunction with seeing a therapist although he told me that it is possible to use the book on your own. Like any homework, it can be tedious but it's important to remember that it is a process, like therapy, and even if you think what you are doing is silly, you need to stick with it. Honestly, the biggest revelation to me was that what you think has a direct correlation to how you feel. I remember in my darker days walking down the street and repeating in my head "you are a wonderful person" and thinking "yeah right". Now I think, well, why not? I'm just as wonderful as the next person.

Anyway, good luck in moving ahead. It sounds as though you are ready.