Where do I go to get help

[muralpainter]

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Please be kind to me as I am very fragile right now.

Long story short:

Met ex DH in 1996. Married in 1998. Knew he had Male Fertility problems but thought I loved him and we could get thru it. We did to a certain extent.
L arrived in 2000 after 4 ICSI.

Seperated in 2002. Divorced 2005.
Met current DP in 2003. Fell pg and had T in 2004. N in 2006 (13mths between them).

So, 3 kids, 2 fathers.
Only thing is, I HATE my DP. I can't even touch on how and why as it all seems so minor taken seperately.

He has major communication problems, in that he just doesn't. It is like talking to the wall. I know you will probably think that itis just a man thing, but believe you me, this is different.

I can be on my hands and knees sobbing and begging him to just talk to me, and he just looks at me, and says nothing. I love my boys dearly, but God I wish I could turn back the clock to when it was just me and L.

We met when he was 42. He had never known any children and was very'wooden' with L. He was a great conversationalist at that time with me, but I suppose we were drinking more and getting to know each other better then.

Then I fell pg with T and he was unexpectedly pleased.....and then the money issues started to creep in!
If I so much as bought anything to wear(maternity) it was closely questioned, as in 'do you really need that' and so it went on and on.

I thought it could only get better, which I suppose it can, as it can't get worse.

I became pg with N when T was 4 months old. So didn't go back to work.

DP earns one hell of a lot of money. I live in a beautiful house and when people come here they oooh and aaah about it. But I am soooooo unhappy. If I could kill him and get away with it, I would do. There is no love in this house only my love for the kids and vice versa.

Some of you will say, get out, you are worth more than that, you deserve to be happy. I agree. It would be easy to pack up the kids, dog, cats and all that they all entail. but wher do I go after I have started the engine.................?

I am so confused. When me and my ex DH split up I moved into one of the houses that my dad rents out. No probs, just me and L, working 3 days a week, good salary. 3 bed semi - more than big enough

He only has a 2 up 2 down now which he has just put on the market to sell. I have 3 ever growing kids, no salary, in fact no nothing. I gave it all up to look after the kids and I loved my job.

DP gives me £700/month. I am constantly £1500 overdrawn and paying easily £150/month in fees(more probably)

I pay £70/month to a christmas club so that I can pay for presents and food at Christmas. Everything for the kids, clothes, shoes, music lessons, dinner money, presents for their friends, car and maintenence, school trips, mobile. And of course food which is about £450-£500/month.

My parents don't know yet, altho I think they have an inkling.

Help me...where do I turn?
.x.

[BCNS]

If I were you (which i'm not .. but) I would cut my spending or show H how much is going out and how much your getting in.. and that they don't tally.. if you can't cut the spending down. ( which you very probably could).. get rid of the over draft.. pay a bit off and get the bank to reduce it everytime you do. that way negative turns to positive and you won't get the charges by making sure you stick to your budget religiously.

Look at getting yourself back into work.

Go to relate with or without H

and go from there.

[muralpainter]

HAVe cut spending down big time.Cant cut down further. Hve shown him out goings lots....but he just looks at me. From time to time he will say 'I dont know what you want me to say to that'

[HolyGuacamole]

£450-£500 a month on food is a lot!! I'd say go on www.moneysavingexpert.com and have a read on the forums about cutting back on your food shopping, cheap recipes, talking to the bank about getting your overdraft down etc etc. However, the financial problems seem to be the least of your worries but also the icing on the cake if that makes sense?

Nobody should have to go on their hands and knees for another person. You've used the words 'hate' and 'kill'.....if I were you I'd be getting out of there as soon as possible.

Can you talk to your parents about this?

[BCNS]

have a search on meal planning on here.. lots of threads about.. you'll be able to cut the food bill right down.. I have 3 dc's and spend less than half of your food budget.. it's hard work.. but it would be a major start to helping you finacially.

I'm not saying that you have to half it.. but you going over your over draft has to be dealth with.

if he doesn't like what you buy.. then tough for him.

this is the longer route though.. you could set up a different bank account ready.. see a solicitor and go that route.

[Flibbertyjibbet]

I need to go to bed now but will just say that if you are spending £450-£500 a month on food for two adults and 3 children then you have a lot of space for cutting your spending.
We eat well and I've been keeping a log of food spending recently - last 10 weeks have averaged £37 a week for 2 adults and two young children. Granted you have one older child more than me but even adding another larger mouth to mine it would still be under £50 a week.
Don't buy the kids any clothes for a few months, only use your mobile for emergencies.
Work out how much you have each month within your authorised overdraft limit and take out only that amount divided into weeks, in CASH. Then leave any cards, chequebook etc at home and only use the cash.

[solidgoldSneezeLikeApig]

I don't think budgeting advice is what you need. By the sound of it, your H is one of these men who earns quite a lot of money but spends it on himself, yet expects you to take care of all the 'unnecessary' stuff like bog roll, washing up liquid and shoes for the DC out of a small proportion of his income.
I also advise you to check out the Emotional Abuse thread in Relationships, your relationship doesn't sound very healthy.

[Rindercella]

Agree with SolidGold. I really do not think this is a budgeting issue. It sounds incredibly controlling behaviour by your H and you will be best out of there, but you know this.

You need to start making an exit strategy, NOW. No-one should be this unhappy. Am for your situation.

One thing I will say, is talk to your parents. You don't need to go cap in hand, but most parents would hate to think that their children are so unhappy. They may be able to help you out and you can pay them back when you find your feet.

[BCNS]

agree.. I was looking at the budgeting, because if the op can get to grips with this.. it will make an exit a lot easier.

[jasper]

The problem is that you HATE your dp.
Want to spend your life with someone you hate?
Of course not.

You need to be planning your exit

[muralpainter]

Thankyou ladies. Yes, the problem is that i hate him, and no I cant spend my life with him. Willcome backlater when DCs are all sorted

[atterual]

Hope you are ok mural? you need to be speaking to a solicitor to see what you are entitled to and how you should proceed with a separation. You also need to speak to your parents IMO. Im sure they will help you all they can. they are not going to see you out on the streets. People are talking about budgeting, when the main problem here is the breakdown of your relationship and thats why you have asked for help. You need to sit down and make a plan, you need a list of things you have to do. first on the list is seeing a solicitor.