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Relationships

Are financial compromises always required as part of a relationship ?

37 replies

rookiemater · 18/05/2009 09:02

Dh and I have different spending styles and priorities so we have worked round this by having a joint account where all our money goes into for most things, and then personal allowance for items such as clothes, computer games (him) and sundry items.

We are reasonably well off due primarily to DH being a contractor, but of course it is not secure and he isn't on a long term contract although he has been there for about 18months.

Anyway long story but last Nov my car was on its last legs, DH was keen to get a sporty model and after much soul searching and Mumsnet posting I said he could get something sporty and I'd drive the family car. Instead we went for a sensible inexpensive option for me, as we had just bought one car I proposed and he agreed that we wouldn't discuss cars again until end of this year.

Fast forward to this weekend, DH gets an afternoon off work, was meant to go walking instead its raining so goes to fancy dealership looks at cars and then badgers me about it until I say he can do whatever he thinks is best provided that a) it doesn't take us off our target to pay off mortgage in 5 years and b) I don't want to hear it mentioned as a reason why I can't cut down on hours at work as have been having some health issues and want to spend a bit more time with DS.

There have been other instances of, in my view, wasteful spending, such as buying a completely new computer so he can play a new computer game. We don't have any debts other than the mortgage, other than these things we don't live an extravagent lifestyle. I hate being the moany one saying No all the time, but it frustrates me because I feel they are extravagances and I'd rather we focused on our key spending priorities rather than getting distracted by bright shiny expensive things. However I love DH and want him to be happy, so should I just suck it up ?

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rubyslippers · 18/05/2009 09:08

the baseline issue is whether you can afford it

the other issue is whether you are happy with the spending?

if one person feels they are making financial sacrifices and the other isn't then that is very irritating and that is what this sounds like to me (correct me if i am wrong )

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rookiemater · 18/05/2009 09:13

We can afford it out of savings, but last year we had agreed to put getting a new conservatory on hold ( ours isn't well insulated so can only use about 3 months a year) because our priority was meant to be paying off the mortage.

Yes it does feel like I am the one making financial sacrifices. We do have a good standard of living but I hate wasting money so always look for vouchers and deals for things, whereas DH doesn't think about the cost of things at all, oh unless I propose them such as Center Parcs which he said was too expensive so we are going to a caravan park instead, which is fine as I agreed it, but leaves a bitter taste in my mouth now.

And yes it is irritating. I love him but it annoys me that we don't have the same spending patterns.

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endless · 18/05/2009 09:13

You sound like me!

So what we do is, out of our wages, we transfer monies to cover the mortgage, bills and food.

This is an equal amount each.

What is left in our wages account is ours to spend as we want, HOWEVER, we also have joint savings for holidays etc, and we have individual savings acounts.

This way every thing is catered for and we have spare for rainy days etc.

DH imho is far more extrvagant with his money. He does however ask my opinion on big buys (cars, motorbikes etc) and does respect my opinion and if i say that i dont think it is a good idea to purchase xxx he doesnt go ahead and purchase xxx.

We have different spending philosophies but he knows well, that it is MY philosophy that has kept us out of the financial shit all these years. He sees the worth in this.

In answer to your question and frustrations, i absolutely agre with you, and i see your difficult position, but if i felt that strongly about it i would have to be quite forthright in my opinion with dh, and demand compromise.

If you stuck to your guns, and said no about the bright shiny things, how would your dh react?

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endless · 18/05/2009 09:15

Oh and i absolutely disagree very strenuously about loans, credit cards etc in our relationship so if DH hasnt got the money in his account, he does not get whatever it is he wants, until he has saved for it.

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crokky · 18/05/2009 09:20

This is difficult. I am very careful with money and fortunately so is DH so we only buy things that we need. However, my brother sounds a bit like your DH - he always wants stuff (and posh stuff at that!). I think it is something that is just how a person is - so to an extent you do have to suck it up. The sports car I think is going a bit far - I would suck it up if it was just the computer, the games etc, but the sports car is reckless IMHO. I would say in your position that he could have a sports car once the mortgage is paid off.

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rookiemater · 18/05/2009 09:24

Hi Endless glad to see im not the only one in this situation.

I felt what we agreed at the end of last year was reasonable but when i said this to ds he said that he would be upset if he couldnt think out loud about things but we seemed to have moved very rapidly from that to actually buying the car.

If i said no he would bring the subject up in a couple of months time and basically grind me down. he says this is a good purchase and the make holds its value well so we won't actually lose too much money, but he also misled me by initially saying there was a built in dvd player and bicycle rack but it turns out these aren't free options.

I guess the true test will be if he starts talking about new cars within 3 years.

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endless · 18/05/2009 09:26

But to buy a computer JUSt fro a game is just wasteful completely and i would be furious at this.
Even if money were no issue, it is unecissary if you have a perfectly adequate one in the first place.

I AM a bit of a strict wife i suppose but i feel very strongly about it (from bitter family experience) i will not allow waste, nor will i encourage big decisions to be made one sided. There always seems to be a way to compromise for us luckily. And i do think about things, not just dismiss them immediately they are suggested.
But i do disagree with allot of dhs proposed purchases.

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endless · 18/05/2009 09:29

See i think that IS a reasonable request asking your dh to wait. What is the problem with waiting?

They are never far from bieng a 12 year old boy with a wish list are they!

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HappyWoman · 18/05/2009 09:30

similar dh here too.

we have both learned to live with the 'way we are'.

We both know that dh would spend spend spend until he has nothing left to show for it.

I like to spend too but have a far better handle on exactly what we have and am able to wait for things.

wrt to the conservatory, i think i would put that further up your priority list and put the mortgage down a bit, because then you will be 'living' the way you want now not waiting for that magic day when you will be debt free - to do what? have the shiny things?

I have eased up a bit on the 'nagging' about it - i know where dhs priorities lie and i will mention these.

Is it you or your dh that wants to be mortgage free (mine would love it - but also loves his shiny things). So we now are less focussed on the end of the mortgage and more on the living a good life now without using credit at all.

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rookiemater · 18/05/2009 09:33

How do you veto the purchases without it getting unpleasant ?

At the heart of the matter DH earns a lot more than me ( although we were equal when we met and its the financial security that makes contracting possible) and although its a joint account I don't feel I can say no to everything particularly when we aren't exactly skint. Plus he is a good DH and father in lots of ways so I don't want him to be unhappy.

Plus we just have intrinsically different ideas about things. I know it irks him that the neighbours have better cars than we do, whereas I couldn't give two hoots and know its because they bought their houses before we did so have smaller mortages.

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HappyWoman · 18/05/2009 09:33

Rookie - i think what you are most upset about is that you feel that you have been mis-led into living one lifestyle that you are not completely happy with.

I too can understand this and dh is a high earner and i still find it hard to think of it as 'our' money.

Much easier now that i have learned to live more for today though.

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HappyWoman · 18/05/2009 09:35

rookie - i am the same.

My dh loves cars too - and i suppose i have gone along with what he wants to a degree.

My dh has grown up a lot in the past couple of years too and is no where near as materialistic as he used to be.

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endless · 18/05/2009 09:41

erm, well, it was dh's family that had financial hardship as he grew up due to his fathers selfish, wasteful and unnecissary spending.
So, he has seen with his own 2 eyes how it affects every one in the house and how this can go on for many years.

Me i have been on my own since i was 16 so had to stand on my own 2 feet from a very young age, this is what influenced my spending/saving habits.

Things dont get unpleasant because i do what you do, i say, well if you have the money saved in 2 years time, then yes, i think you should shop around for a very good deal on the motorbike engine that you want. He is happy with this as its not an altogether NO. BUT>......then by the time the 2 years are up, he is usually thinking about something else.
I always put things in the way as well, so i say, for example at the moment we are saving to go to Florida in 2 years..."lets get Florida out of the way then see how you are fixed money wise".
Thsi is always a good compromise for him.

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HappyWoman · 18/05/2009 09:46

yes - i think my dh needs to have some focus to the money - 'savings' are to be spent?

However we are in a very good finacial position wrt to jobs ect.

I too am now earning and it is interesting that dh wants me to 'save' my money.

I think he likes to know we CAN afford things and then it seems to lessen his desire for it.

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endless · 18/05/2009 09:50

I think that is a really good point happy, how "mature" they are.
Dh has got better as he has got older and certainly since we had children his interest in shiny stuff has waned thank goodness.

He is still a pain though if the washer breaks down, he simply says right, lets go and get a new one....hang on mate, get the back off it and see if it needs a part 1st is always my answer.

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rookiemater · 18/05/2009 09:53

Thanks HW I do think because we do have the money, largely because of DHs earning ability, then maybe I just need to chill out about it and trust him to make the right decision.

Endless its interesting what you are saying about family spending patterns. Dh came from a family with not much money and they made odd financial decisions such as buying DH every single item off the school clothing list even the tracksuit when he made it into grammar, although they sometimes didn't have enough money to pay the rent because they had spent too much on holiday. My parents are relentlessly frugal and Dh has helped me to enjoy life a bit more, i.e. when you go away its not obligatory to stay 3 star. However as a result of watching their pennies they have a very comfortable retirement and can afford to to anything they want ( which as they are quite low maintenance isn't very much).

I thought we had reached a compromise when we discussed our five year plan on the mortgage and its something I thought we are both happy to push towards, but there always seems to be one more purchase to be made and a persuasive reason why its the right thing to do.

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endless · 18/05/2009 10:04

Hm, it is.
Dhs father right up until about 4 years ago was getting credit cards and spending them to the max, not paying the mortgage (which incidentally they did not have as the house was bought for them as a wedding present but they had to get a mortgage on it to pay of previous debts from his dads spending)

The line in the sand was drawn and his mum FINALLY (after encouragement and a talking to from me) took all finacial responsibility off his dad completely.
He now has £5 per week to himself that is it, if its gone, no more!
Actually, he is happy with this because they have done bits to the house with savings and can now afford to go on small holidays each year. He still has to work 7 days a week to keep thier heads above water though and he is nearly 60. All his own doing.

Dh can be like his dad in the spening dept, although he is easily persuaded away from sillyness!

Its awful, it goes on for 20-30 years the ripple affect of someones selfishness.
Not in our house it wont

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HappyWoman · 18/05/2009 10:24

enless - mine would be like this with the washer too, any excuse to get a new one actually.

We have leanred to accept that is the way he is and now tend to have a bit of a laugh about it.

Any repairs therefore i tend to try myself.

His passion now is his lawn - which appart from him getting mower envey is a lot cheaper generally and keeps him busy.

I can honsestly say we have the best back lawn in our street and that is enough to keep dh happy.

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rookiemater · 18/05/2009 14:53

I'm just back from my own revenge spending spree. Sadly the best I can manage was £33 on Doodles and Clarks summer shoes for DS, Dh only likes him to wear manly trainers so won't approve.

HW perhaps I should push DH towards the garden, however even there he has managed to spend money. We pay a company £21 to come and cut it once a fortnight. It takes them 20 minutes I know this because they do it whilst we have breakfast, they do however have a team of 4 and a super duper mower.

I would do it myself but the money would only disappear into the communal fund and be wasted on fripperies so there is little point.

Oh well the cricket season has started and he got equipped with all the latest cricket gear a few months ago so hopefully that will keep him out of mischief for a while.

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solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 18/05/2009 15:02

I think if you agree that the joint account money is for bills/necessities and that you each have a personal account for personal spending, then what each person spends their personal loot on should not be subject to veto by the other. Because what goes into the personal accounts should be money that you can afford to spend on nonsense and luxuries and when it's gone its gone.

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rookiemater · 18/05/2009 15:24

I have no problem at all with DH doing exactly what he wants with his personal money. Our monthly personal allowance is generous particulary if Dh remembers to take in the packed lunch I sometimes make

However it is generally joint account things that he seems to push so car is a joint account thing because it will be his family car, computer was allegedly being upgraded to "future proof" it, didn't know about it being for the game until I saw it being installed as soon as all the bits arrived.

Ironically DH is always saying that he never manages to spend his allowance as he has such modest needs

Am I nagging old fishwife or economically responsible equal partner, its so hard to tell ?

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nikki1978 · 18/05/2009 15:24

My DH is rubbish with spending and admits to it openly. Two months after we got together 8 years ago I found out he was in £35,000 of debt. We have worked through it together and although he still wants things quite a lot (expensive stuff of course) I calm him down when needs be and if he is very insistent I make sure he finds other ways of paying for it (he sells things he doesn't need any more and does extra work). It is a quirk of his that I have learnt to live with because I love him but he tries to fight his addiction

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rookiemater · 18/05/2009 15:30

Maybe I just need to live with it, we have enough to pay the mortgage and buy everything we need and hopefully DH will continue to get contracts. He wouldn't get us into debt so its not like he is bad at money management, it's more that our priorities are different.

Someone asked re the mortgage. It was very much DHs idea to pay it off in 5 years, my initial thoughts were 10 years but he likes to have a stretch target.

Funnily enough DHs ex GF the one before me was the extravagent one, always buying loads of antique furniture and as she was a student DH gave her an allowance each week. DH said once when drunk that this time he had picked someone who earned their own money and it always rankles slightly, even though I have to offset it against the fact that he is kind and loving and always wants to do his best for DS and myself.

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HappyWoman · 18/05/2009 15:59

solid - that all sounds good in an ideal world, but not really a partnership where finacial planning has been discussed and then one party seems to 'ignore' the 'agreement'

Rookie - need to find a cheap hobby for your dh to spend his money on.

We also like the car boot sales for when you feel like splashing the cash.

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BonsoirAnna · 18/05/2009 16:02

You have to work out how much disposable income you have left after essential bills. And then you have to ensure that both of you are getting a fair deal on how that disposable income is allocated.

It is, of course, very shocking if a DH wants flashy toys that his DW doesn't care about and expects her to work in order for him to afford them...

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