help me with DH matryr complex

[halia]

OK, DH hasn't been sleeping well for 4 weeks. He has had to go and see the GP with heart twinges which the GP said were stress related. He has been told by most of his colleagues that he looks awful and tired.
(and he does)

Why is he an idiot? because he won't book holiday time! Personally if my GP offered to sing me off sick for a fortnight I'd take it but DH not only refused the sick note he also refuses to take some holiday time. I didn't even suggest taking it straight away, he has only had 2 days of his 35 days (carried some over from last year) so far this year (for a family event) and I suggested him booking a week off in mid june.

He does this all the time, earlier in the year he was having severe nose bleeds that had the GP very concerned, he had one in a meeting and shocked everyone by the amount of blood loss - and he just kept going back into work despite GP saying he needed time off to get it checked out.

[llareggub]

Many people avoid taking holidays from work because they are too worried about being away from work. Is he coping with his job?

[thumbwitch]

halia - is he being a martyr or is he worried for the security of his job? Will his company fall to bits if he takes time off, or does he just think it will? Warn him that if he doesn't take time off now, he might not get the chance as it's not uncommon for people who drive themselves like this to have SERIOUS health issues. Is he in his early 40s by any chance?

[halia]

yep early/mid forties, and frankly I don't care if the company DOES fall apart, I'm more worried about his health. (though i'm not sure it would given that his alterego at work takes 4 weeks every year to go to south africa)

From what he reported the GP said (and he will have played it down) his GP thinks he is setting himself up for seriuos health problems if he isn't there already.

[thumbwitch]

oh no, I wasn't suggesting you should worry about the company particularly - just trying to assess his state of mind!

If he is so bothered, then he must consider the option of getting in a locum and taking the time off. If his GP was willing to sign him off for 2 weeks he must take it. Heavy nosebleeds could be a sign of high blood pressure. Heart twinges are definitely not a good sign.

You might have to resort to blackmail to get him to take time off - threaten him with anything up to and including divorce if he doesn't take time off - because he really needs to by the sound of it!

Although I wouldn't necessarily advocate this as an option, you could go behind his back and talk to his boss at work and get them to send him home for 2 weeks to recuperate. IF they're the sort of people who would co-operate. But he might not be very happy if you do that (again, depends on his job security)

[HappyWoman]

and the company will be more pissed off with him when he does need to take a longer chunk of time off due to ill health. And if they find he went against medical advice he may not be covered for an accident at work (my h has to deal with health and safty from time to time and if the blame can be shifted believe me they will find a way).

My h took masses of time off and is now very relaxed about work life balance - and has landed a new job with better package.

How about suggesting he stucture his day differently to avoid all the stress, could he go in late a couple of days or have a couple of half days. Is he able to work from home at all.

If he sees that the company can work without him there he may feel better. or dose he like to think he is needed?

How about you talking to someone about booking some time off and surpising him with a spa day to help him relax - or just to be able to chill out.

Anyway good luck.

[EvenBetaDad]

halia - you are being totally sensible to be very worried. Your DH is not beng a martyr but he has lost all perspective.

I would actually tell him to his face what you said:

"I don't care if the company DOES fall apart, I'm more worried about -his- your health"

I wrote yesterdy on another thread about the impact of the recession on the mental health of men and of course it equally well applies to their physical health as well.

I have seen a lot of threads like this recently and it is very clear a lot of men (and women of course) are being worked into the ground. Your DH like so many men is ignoring the problem. In fact I think there is a hidden health crisis already being caused by this recession.

I agree with Thumbwitch you need to use a nuclear option to get him to help himself. However, I do not advise tellng his boss. Some firms will use anything to get rid of someone on the cheap.

Just do get your DH to take tme off and get to GP - whatever way you can.

[halia]

I couldn't go behind his back and book time off and I can't imagine the company co-operating. It would be fairly detrimental to his work if I interfered like that and they would definitly bear it in mind as a possible excuse to get rid off him in the future.

I have talked to him about it but he is starting to shut me out and says I am nagging or that it stresses him out even more to have me ask him to take time off.

[HappyWoman]

i have to say, him now turning that back onto you is a worry.

But do be careful - if you do continue to nag he will not thank you. He is responsible for his own actions anyway.

My h has a health problem which for years i would 'nag' him about - he needs regular blood tests and was useless at booking these for himself - i would nag - he would rebel even more. Since our problems i no longer have anything to do with his health (that is his concern not mine) and although i would worry if he ended up ill i would not feel guilty, as he knows the consequeses of his actions.

our counsellor said i had taken the 'mother' role and that is not what many men want (although a fair number need it) - hence many use it as an excuse for an affair - as my h did.

I think all you can do is support him by saying that you are worried for him and will support him when he is ready. Maybe make him realise that it is not a sign of weakness to take time off - do you have friends who have a better work life balance? We now have lots of friends who have a more relaxed attitude to work - having given their all and yet not getting the thanks for it.

My h is a boss and he would not allow his staff to not take holidays - there is a lot of reasearch to say that production is increased with a good balance. But then of course i think my h is a fantastic boss. And obviously others do too as he is always in demand - and he is the one to not take calls at ridiculous hours or whilst on holidays now.

[passionberry]

I am intrested in what HappyWoman says above about taking on a "mother" role .... I have also started a thread on here about my Dh's stress problems and some posters have advised me that I am not responsible for my Dh's mental health. It is hard not to get involved when you love someone - but I guess they are adults and have to take responsibility for their own health.

Maybe you could word it as you needing a holiday/ break rather than him?

[cestlavielife]

yes he is an adult (passionberry's h too!) and you are NOT responsible for him... you have told him; GP has told him; now is his look out.

i suggest you book yourself into a spa weekend and tell him it is because this situation is causing you stress and you need a break....

you could book for both of you but let him know if he doesnt come you will still go because this IS causing you stress.

make it clear ti him - talk or write to him...

"you are making yourself ill and i am very worried. so is the GP. but it is YOUR choice,you are an adult and I am not repsonsible for you. you ahve to amke your own decisions. neither I nor the GP can force you to take medical advice.

but i need a break from this and I will be away on this weekend....

please think about how this is affecting both of us. all I am asking is for you to lsiten to the GP and take advice. you are entitled to time off. please take it. you risk losing me as well as your health. "

[thesockmonsterofdoom]

You certainly need to make him see the impact this os having on the rest of the family, we were in a simular situation recently, dh was so stressed at work, we were all miserable at home and everything felt like a weight.
2 weeks ago dh resigned from his job (they were going to sack him anyway) the differenc in him and all of our family is amazing. Sometimes when you are in the middle of it you cant see that work is not the most important thing in the world the effect was on my dh's mental health not physical. Hope he sorts himself out.
Could you book something for you and dc that he could come along if he chooses or not if he doesnt. Could you send hiom away for the weekend or something.