Am I seeing something thats not there??

[somebodiesmum]

Have name changed

Over the past 2 1/2 years my daughter's(she's 11) behaviour has been pretty bad, violence towards myself, her younger brother and my friend, she has refused to go to school on a number of occassions, the police and social services have been involved but up until a few weeks ago they didnt seem to be to bothered by it.

We were refered to cahms but because the behaviour was only seen in the home they had said she wouldnt be seen by them.

2 weeks ago I found something really bad and serious out so informed the police about it. They took away her laptop(her dad bought her and her younger brother it for their christmas) and there was a police investigation. The police are unsure wether she has done this on her own or if she has been groomed
I kept her dad up to date with everything that was going on but his responses are a bit un-nerving
when he was first told his answer was to delete everything and it will be ok
then when i told him the police were involved he didnt seem concerned
after a couple of days he asked if the laptop business was finished with? I told him no
then when i found the videos on the net and told him there was no reaction at all
when the laptop was took away i let him know, there was no response
He's never asked about whats going on, when I told him on wednesday that the police were coming to talk to my daughter he said nothing
last night he asked when was the laptop being returned? I told him monday and when he was next up he could collect it as i didnt want it in here. The wee ones dont need the laptop as there is a pc in the living room with NO webcam and I can see whats going on.
He doesnt get why i dont want it back in here, if shes managed to do it once then it can happen again and i cant take that chance, and i hope that he puts more measures in place down at his than he has been
He doesnt seem to get it
I dont get his reaction
he seems more worried about the laptop than his daughter
maybe I'm reading too much into it but it doesnt sit right with me, he's asked nothing about the police investigation, child protection issues, how his daughter is doing/dealing with this, just when is the laptop being returned.

I realise there is no right or wrong reaction to any of this
but someone please tell me I'm reading more into this than is there

I have told social work about his reations but they dont seem overly concerned so maybe its just me that finds it strange

[mrsboogie]

Oh god. What has she said to you? I can see why you are concerned - his reaction is very odd. I can't envisage any scenario involving a child doing this out of the blue. Other stuff must have or must be happening.

Do you think someone has abused her?
Do you have any reason to suspect him of anything improper?

[mrsboogie]

meant to say if your instincts are telling you something you should absolutely listen to them

[Hassled]

His reactions/interest in the laptop and not your DD's welfare is bloody odd. I'm not surprised you're edgy about it. Is there anyone else in SS you can mention it to?

[Ewe]

Seems rather odd but I don't really know what you can do.

Sorry you're having to go through this, huge hug for you

[hobbgoblin]

You are in fact posting about your DD's dad and worrying about that rather a lot, does it matter?

What are you doing about your DD? Why do you think she has these things going on?

If her father isn't playing ball waste no more time on him .Instead invest it in your DD.

[mrsboogie]

I think she's posting about the dad because his reaction to events is not one she would have expected and is therefore suspicions of him and maybe his involvement in the whole thing.

There is a lot unsaid in this post.

[somebodiesmum]

I found the videos of her on the internet

She had managed to video herself in the living room here, they were never allowed the laptop out of the living room but im not in here all the time i can be in the kitchen, upstairs or in the bath.
But I dont know where she would get the idea from in the first place to do this.
I have spoke to her and told her the police want to speak to her, that NONE of this is her fault, that at this time the police just want to make sure she is safe, but she wont talk about it, she knows I know that there is inapropriate material of her on the internet and there is no getting them back, but there was no reaction from her, she just blanked me completly.
The police are saying because there is no evidence on the laptop that says she has been asked to do this and if she wont confirm that someone asked/helped her do this then there is no case.
Social work are working with us closly to see if they can find out what has gone on for it to get to this point but it will be a long drawn out process as she isnt very good at talking about things at the best of times.

I guess her dad's reaction threw me,
If he had shouted and screamed at me, called me all the names under the sun, it would have least have been something, but there has been nothing, he just seems concerned about the laptop

[hobbgoblin]

Okay, okay. I am hugely sympathetic to any family in this type of situation but always at the root of this stuff is the reason why a child feels so crappy inside that they have to act out.

Sometimes, organisations, schools and even families spend so much time dealing with the presenting problems nobody goes back to deal with the why and then it's too late.

What is going wrong for your DD? I can see why CAMHS couldn't take the case on but it is typically crap of them. Imo it's not good enough to wash hands of children who do not present as problematic educationally.

What's your gut, OP?

[mrsboogie]

If there is no possibility that it was just innocent (i.e sexual or potentially so) then it would be hard to see how someone else wasn't involved. She is too young.

And there is nothing on the laptop (chatrooms or suchlike?)that could have been the cause of this? Grooming I mean.

If she won't talk to you then you need professional intervention as a matter of urgency - counselling or whatever. Has this been suggested?

Is it unusual that she would refuse to confide in you?

[somebodiesmum]

I am doing the best I can for my daughter,
We have social work pushing for the camhs referel, i have been in touch with woman and children first for help, help to support my daughter,
I dont want to get it wrong
I dont want to say the wrong thing and her clam up completely
I'm trying to keep things as normal as i can without looking like I'm ignoring what has happened
The Family protection unit are coming back tomorrow and I will again raise my concerns over her dads reaction to all this.

I posted this because I guess I just needed to know that I wasnt over reacting over his response

[hobbgoblin]

His response is odd, unsympathetic and largely disinterested imo.

The reason I'm posting as I am is because of lessons I've learned myself with regard to my eXDP's responses to matters involving our DS.

Take the positives but move on from whatever strange reactions he presents you with. Your DD presents bigger concerns than his behaviour and you don't want to get caught up spendign energy on him iyswim.

Did anything happen 2.5 years ago?

[somebodiesmum]

It wasnt innocent content that was on the videos and I dont see how she could think this up herself either, the police mentioned it could have been spoke about in the playground at school as she is at the inquisative stage where kids talk sbout sex, but shes just 11 and I dont know any other child

My gut tells me something has happened to her
Her behaviour over the past 2 1/2 years, the not wanting to bath/change her underwear, then going the opposite way and wanting baths daily, new clothes etc, but according to social work I'm being hypersensitive as I was abused as a child.

[mrsboogie]

well something sounds odd - you are her mother and your instincts are very important.

[HolyGuacamole]

How does she get on with your DH?

[somebodiesmum]

I split with her dad over 5 years ago but she has had an ok relationship with him.

I guess I'm still shocked about what has happened
I've gone from being angry, hysterical, numb, sad and he seems to be playing it all down which seemed stange as he goes mad if I haven't given the kids veg with their dinner or they have been to the cinema more than he thinks they should.

I've done my best to keep them safe but I got it wrong and feel like I've opened the door and let them in my house.

[mrsboogie]

who is "them"?

[HolyGuacamole]

Wherever this video of your daughter is on the Internet, there must be some way of knowing how/where from, and when the video was uploaded. This is information that the website or website ISP, legally would have to provide upon the Police asking for it. Knowing that there is a video on the web, the Police should as part of their investigation (given that DD is only 11) seek to retrieve that information from the website, the Internet provider or through foreign law enforcement, whichever is applicable depending on where the website is based.

If the Police have not done this, I'd be asking why not?

[Tortington]

my ready of it was that the daughter took the vid and loaded it up - so the isp would be the ops iyswim?

[HolyGuacamole]

I was thinking that if she was doing this in a private conversation on webcam for someone else, the other person could have themselves recorded it and uploaded it?

[Tortington]

oh - i took it to mean that she uploaded it on a video streaming site - but you could be right

[HolyGuacamole]

Hmm, I dunno, was just a thought that could well be way off the mark. Maybe my Columbo investigative head is in overdrive tonight.

[somebodiesmum]

Mrs Boogie- 'them' as in the people that now have the video's of my daughter, I feel like I have let 'them' in my house with out knowing it,
It seems that she has uploaded her first video herself to youtube, then there was emails sent through youtube to her new email address from numerous people, them sending her links to their videos for her to watch and asking her for some more which she sent, and asking her to do other stuff.
the only thing I can be thankful for is that someone noticed she was underage and reported it to youtube who removed them and closed the account but not before someone put them on another site.
The police had said that looking at the videos it would be hard to prove that the people that were emailing/talking to her knew she was a child
I mean ffs shes just 11 in a size 8-9,9-10 clothes, she was measured yesterday for a bra and she was only a 28A so how can you use the excuse that they thought she was an adult

She doesnt have access to the laptop anymore and when its returned tomorrow it will be returned to her dad, if she needs to use a computer then there is the pc in the living room where i can see whats going on better than when she was able to hide behind a screen of the laptop, although since the laptop has been with the police she hasnt asked to go on the computer at all.

I realise this is going be a long process to get her to open up but I'm hoping with the right support she can get the help she needs to deal with this and not let it affect the rest of her life.

[somebodiesmum]

The police only took a statement from me when they asked me to show them what was on the laptop and what sites she had been on. They spoke briefly to our social worker but no one else.

They asked if my daughter would talk to them about it and I told them she might but she does have problems talking to anyone about anything, they told me that they are not all pink and fluffy, they are here to do a job and if need be they would treat her as a hostile witness.

They are coming tomorrow to return the laptop and speak to my daughter but only as a curtercy(sp) call, unless she says something that gives them cause for concern then the case is closed. They will explain to her about internet safety and pesonal safety but unless she speaks to them and tells them anything then thats it.