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Relationships

How do I tell dh that he needs to lose weight

20 replies

YeahBut · 26/04/2009 20:24

I'm getting really concerned about dh's health. He's put on a lot of weight recently and does not exercise regularly. He works in a very stressful environment which mentally he thrives on, but physically it does take its toll. He's had the odd chest pain, he's had stress related ulcers in the past and has a fatty liver that is down to bad diet.
He eats appallingly. He has a bit of a strange attitude towards food that comes from his mum who has serious food issues. She is the sort of person who can tell you every single item of food that has passed your lips in a day if she is here. She's obsessive about gaining weight and dh and his dad have become accustomed to eating in secret when people are not around. He won't sit down and have meals with us - he'll say he's not hungry then disappear to the kitchen 20 minutes later to eat biscuits. He gets up in the middle of the night to eat junk.
His weight is now over 100kg - around 15.5 stone. He's only 5ft 7inches tall so that's a lot.
A friend's husband recently had a stroke in his early 40s and he was fit as a fiddle and not overweight. I get terrified that dh is going to have a heart attack, stroke or develop diabetes if he doesn't do something.
So how do I approach this in a way that doesn't make me sound like I am being hypercritical - just like his mum - but concerned for his health and wellbeing?

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shootfromthehip · 26/04/2009 20:31

I will watch this thread with interest as I too have a DH who needs to slim a bit more than a bit. He too works too hard and his BP is terrible. I have the advantage of feeding him his dinner but he will eat everything I put in front of him and more. I have found that saying 'I'm putting on some weight, we need to go on a health kick' has opened to topic up for limited conversation but it hasn't been too successful. I just worry about being mean beacuse I put on a HUGE amount of weight when pregnant and he never said anything about it. Fortuntely I lost it without having to hear from him that I was fat but worry about having that conversation with him.

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CountessDracula · 26/04/2009 20:33

Could you say that you think you all need to eat more healthily and that you are going to start buying healthier food.

Or that you want to lose weight and exercise more and would he join in to support you?

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FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 26/04/2009 20:35

I'd just say I love you and I want to spend the rest of life with you and if you don't do something you'll die before me and I'll be forced to marry George Clooney. Please do something about your weight.

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howtotellmum · 26/04/2009 20:36

sounds as if he might have food-issues.- Emotional eating etc etc? Getting up in the middle of the night to eat is NOT normal behaviour.

I'm sorry but I think you do have to sound hypercritical- just give it to him straight- he's walking straight into a heart attack/stroke.

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YeahBut · 26/04/2009 20:37

Have tried the "Do you think we should try and be a bit healthier?" line too but haven't got anywhere.

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paolosgirl · 26/04/2009 20:41

Will also watch this thread - I've tried the subtle and the not so subtle approach and am getting weary of it all. He's got high blood pressure, a sedentary lifestyle, a hhigh pressured job and he eats a lot of the wrong food. He's at risk from a heart attack, diabetes and cancer, and it really really worries me . Hopefully someone will be along soon with an answer for you YeahBut - and sorry I can't be of more help.

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2rebecca · 26/04/2009 20:45

I'd go for the straight approach and tell him that he's put on alot of weight and you'd like him to lose some for his health and because you don't like his eating habits. If it was my husband I'd tell him I find him sexier slim, but my bloke knows I prefer him slim, he's said the same to me. That aspect maybe doesn't bother you, but fancying each other is important in our relationship. I don't want to be just loved for my personality, whilst he lusts over women at work or on the TV.

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YeahBut · 26/04/2009 20:51

Actually, I'm glad you said that 2rebecca. To be completely honest, I am less attracted to him physically at the moment. I know this is shallow.
My primary concern is dh's health. I really don't want to be a widow.

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howtotellmum · 26/04/2009 20:55

Show him this thread?

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2rebecca · 26/04/2009 21:01

It isn't shallow. I think sexual attraction is important in an adult relationship. He's supposed to be your lover not just your friend. If my bloke got podgy I'd still like him, but probably wouldn't fancy him.
I think it's better couples discuss this sort of thing than ignore it and have affairs or end up inventing reasons not to have sex.

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paolosgirl · 26/04/2009 21:22

Crikey - I hope you never put on weight then Rebecca! There's a bit of a leap between your husband putting on a bit of weight and having an affair .

I don't think I'll suggest to dh that we either talk about it or I might be tempted to have an affair or not want sex with him - that's not really going to help, is it?

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MyNameIsInEggGoMontoya · 26/04/2009 23:35

Dunno if it helps, but from a purely practical point of view I would ask - who does the food shopping in your house? If it is mostly you (or if you can "take over" doing more of it), one thing that might help is just making sure there is less junk available for him to binge on. If you can get the cupboards cleared out a bit and then just not buy more biscuits etc (but maybe some healthier snacks instead) that might be an easy way to help.

If he then brings up the subject ("why didn't you get any xyz this week?"), then you can either just say you thought you both need to get a bit healthier, or use it as an opportunity to mention that you were getting a bit worried. But it may also make him think about whether he is starting to "need" the junk food a bit too much.

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YeahBut · 27/04/2009 10:12

That's a good idea, but to be honest I think it has gone beyond the subtle approach. He needs to implement a radical lifestyle change and me not buying biscuits isn't really going to do that. He needs to do something for the sake of his health.
I am just going to have to be brutally honest, aren't I?

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SomeGuy · 27/04/2009 10:26

I'm 6' 0", 14 stone 3 pounds, and my wife is always telling me to lose weight (I could lose a stone TBH). Don't see why you don't just say it.

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YeahBut · 27/04/2009 10:27

Do you actually do anything about it when your wife says that or do you ignore her / go off in a huff?

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SomeGuy · 27/04/2009 10:44

I don't go off in a huff, because it's obviously true that I should lose weight. Trouble is it's easier to eat more than you should than not. We were in the supermarket at the weekend and I wafted some super-ripe Camembert under her nose. She rightly told me to put it back, despite its tempting cheesy goodness, because it's ridiculously fatty. Similarly when we passed the Ben & Jerrys on 33% off.

We both like cooking and it's hard to avoid eating a lot of that which tastes good.

I do make an effort to do some exercise, bought some walking books and a Mountain Buggy and spend weekends on five mile walks with family.

Basically I have a lack of self-control if something's in the house, so the grapes get scoffed, so do open packets of Jaffa Cakes, chocolate cornflakes. And we are always buying juice, which is empty calories and I should drink water instead, but rarely do. My weight is however fairly stable and I'm not obese, just about 1 stone overweight, so I guess I could be worse.

I suggest if he's eating biscuits, stop buying them, or get Ryvitas or unsweetened (brown?) rice cakes instead .

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YeahBut · 27/04/2009 11:05

The prob is, I don't buy the junk, dh does. He's not a child, he needs to consciously do something about this himself.

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SamJamsmum · 27/04/2009 11:15

I don't think you need to go for the subtle approach. I think you need to think of this in terms of an intervention. I would say you want to talk about something important and say that you are really worried and scared about his future. I think you are going to need to shock him and make him sit up and take notice.

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jeee · 27/04/2009 11:19

If a woman said a her DH wanted her to lose weight, there would be a lot of indignation, and dark comments muttered about emotional abuse, etc, etc,. I am sure that your DH knows he needs to lose weight, but for various reasons finds that he cannot diet. You just need to be ready to give him support when he is ready to lose the weight.

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SomeGuy · 27/04/2009 11:22

Throw them away then. Honestly if there's no crap in the house, it won't get eaten. And I assume you're preparing a cooked meal in the evening, he really shouldn't be missing that. It sounds a bit worse than being a bit greedy TBH to me, sounds like a bit of an eating disorder. Maybe should speak to GP?

Also perhaps you could buy a treadmill? Very good calorie-burning exercise.

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