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Now its time to move on I cant

10 replies

debs05 · 25/04/2009 10:00

After my h affairs I have posted twice, last time was about him saying he was going to kill himself if we seperated. He spent time away and now we are ok. But I have the most overwhelming feeling that I wish he had left me when I discovered the affair.

I am a strong person and I need to move on one way or another but I cant, I am miserable most of the time, I dont have a day when I dont think about it, It has got a little easier as I dont cry every day, but now things are returning to normal, its like "how dare you ruin our lives and then everything goes back to normal". I love him but really I would rather be on my own, I feel as though I have no pride or confidence in myself. I have read so many threads and it seems the women who throw their husbands out are so much stronger cos they have self respect. Why do I think so little of myself to put up with 3 affairs. I feel so low all the time. He is being very supportive because he wants us to make it work, but I feel humiliated.

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CountessDracula · 25/04/2009 12:53

I suspect that after 3 affairs the trust has gone which is why you feel so bad

He won't kill himself that is just emotional abuse telling you that.

I would get rid of him tbh.

You don't need this

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squilly · 25/04/2009 13:03

I think CountessDracula's advice is right, but can only imagine how hard that must be when you have children.

I haven't experienced this kind of situation personally, but watched my sister go through it. For years and years she was utterly miserable with her DH who was an alcoholic and abused her for years, physically when they were younger and mentally as they got older.

Eventually, she met someone else, which was a huge surprise to all of us as she wasn't on the lookout for another man. It just happened. She kicked DH out before starting her new relationship and though she is no longer with the other man, she is now happy in another relationship.

It came to the point where she was so utterly miserable in her marriage that she found it easier to enter a new relationship. It still wasn't easy for her and she ummed and ahed for ages, but at some point the misery outweighs all the benefits and a decision has to be made.

I hope that you find the right path for you. From the outside it looks like that path would be to kick out your H and send him on his way. It's your path though...and we don't know what it's made of and where it might lead, so it's ultimately down to you.

Good luck with your choices.

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Jenice · 25/04/2009 13:31

I really feel for you. This must be a horrible position for you and your children. I agree with what CountessDracula is saying.. you don't need this.

As for the suicide thing if it is emotional blackmail then turn it back on him by asking him if he wants to ruin his children's life by doing this as it is them that will have to live with his decision. He should know what that feels like as I read from your previous post that his mother did the same. Try to make him understand that there is no reason he can't still have a good relationship with his children after you separate. It makes me angry that you feel forced into staying because of this threat... What an arse!

Why should you have feel miserable all the time? he made the mistakes but you are paying the price. Your children will also feel your misery and that is not fair. Its time to think about yourself and your children because I bet he wasn't when he was having all these affairs.

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debs05 · 25/04/2009 15:57

I know you are all right. I know I will never be truly happy because all my dreams and hopes are shattered. I love my kids to bits but at the moment Im so consumed by this that they are not having a happy mummy. All my friends think Ive moved on as I didnt want to become a complete bore.

I will never understand emotional detachment which enables affairs and I def will never understand married women with children who have affairs with married men, when they know the wife and talk to the kids.

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HappyWoman · 25/04/2009 16:21

You really should not have to put up with this - you have already done so in the past and this last time was just too much - are you just waiting and almost hoping he has another one? So you can kick him out?

You are not bad for wanting a better relationship than the one you have and you deserve to be happy.

Have you both had therapy to help you understand the affairs?

But if you carry on as normal then you are not being fair on your h either are you? You need to be honest with him and tell him how hard you are still finding it.

My h affair was 3 years ago and i still have down days - i can always talk to h about it though and i know that if i felt truely miserable then i would leave and he would not like it but he would understand too.

Are you afraid he will be angry? Remember this is his doing not yours.

Be strong and follow your heart - you are not responsible for his happiness only yours.

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moondog · 25/04/2009 16:22

I'd kick ihim out too.
Three affairs?
He's taking the piss.

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debs05 · 25/04/2009 16:38

He always talks about it as Im always talking too much about it. I didnt find out about the 3 affairs until the last one ended and she told me about the other two when I confronted her. The first was 15 yrs ago and then the other was just sex a few times. She told me and I just wish she hadnt, its those first ones I cant get over. So its not that hes done it again since Ive known, but Im not making an excuse for him.

Happywoman, can you believe how many people have affairs? It really has broken my heart.

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Jenice · 25/04/2009 20:38

I really need to say that as for the OW.... how dare she try and justify their affair by the fact that he has done it twice before. She had no right to throw that at you, does it make her behaviour any less awful? I think not. The fact is she was sleeping with your husband and when caught out she needs to take all the crap that comes her way from you. I'm guessing she was trying to make the point that she didn't corrupt him that he was already corrupt.

I'm not sure if you are saying that he thinks you talk about it too much. If he doesn't like being reminded about it then he can leave. Why shouldn't you release your hurt about it all.

How much do your children know about it all?

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dittany · 25/04/2009 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

debs05 · 25/04/2009 23:17

Jenice, unfortunatley my kids know everything as I went a little bit mad and revengeful and smashed his car etc.

I know its crap and I need to tell him Ive drawn the line and enough is enough. As for the OW she is a whore and I have had my revenge on her.