Should I stay or should I go

[Sshhbear]

Earlier I put a post in the parenting area because I was worried about my temper with my kids but after a few responses, I think I should have posted my problems in this topic.

I have been trying to leave my partner for about 4 years. Obviously not every day but it's always in the back of my mind. I have been unhappy because I know that if I stay with him, I won't reach any of my goals in life.

He lives off me financially and gives little in return. I like to have money saved up for emergencies - he lives for today and can't even get himself off to the doctor without getting me to pay. He is a skilled tradesman who hates working. He helps out with the kids and house a little but I still do about 80% as well as being the provider. Our sex life has never been great and in the 6 years we've been together, I have never been able to say "I love you".

I care about him but don't think I love him. He knows some of the little things I like and refuses to do them (eg cup of tea in bed or a foot massage) but expects me to do things for him without a word of thanks.

Only reason I'm still here is because he has intimidated me into staying - refuses to move out and says he won't let me take the kids if I go. Also, if I leave, I will have to pay rent and also pay the full mortgage because the loan is fully in my name.

I don't really even know who I am anymore but know that I was so much happier in life before I met him. I know I should go to counselling or something but when I think about our relationship in the short-term, I think mediation is a good idea. But when I look at the longterm I think that a 43 year old man who has never changed and doesn't think he's doing anything wrong, probably can't change.

I have compared notes with the mother of his eldest child and 15 years ago, he was the same man. The girlfriend he had after her, went crazy and tried to commit suicide several time. She miraculously recovered and sorted her life out once they split up. My other half says he wasn't to blame for her state of mind but sometimes, I feel like I'm going crazy too.

Should I bother with counselling or just take the plunge and get out now before I do lose the plot?

[solidgoldshaggingbunnies]

IF the mortgage is fully in your name he can't refuse to move out, you can tell him to leave and, as a last resort, have him physically removed. He also can't take your kids off you. If he has no money and is leeching off you, you don't have to put up with it, whatever he says.
Check out your legal position WRT house, children etc, get the facts, then tell him to leave, if that's what you want.

[thesockmonsterofdoom]

sounds to me like you know what you have to do, good luck.

[Portofino]

I saw your other post; He is complete waste of space really isn´t he? If the mortgage is in your name, he has to go.

[Sshhbear]

I have gotten legal advice and I know I can have him physically removed but it's been so hard to deal with this. He really intimidates me and flat out refuses to talk about this and won't move out. He claims that he will pay the mortgage if I go but he hasn't contributed for nearly 2 years and I know he won't.

While the mortgage is in my name, the land title is in both so he has just as much legal right to stay as I do. I believe the only way out is to get away from him (move out myself) and then organise the house sale etc when I'm not in a position to be intimidated.

I know what I have to do but I guess the thing I want help with is, should I put in the effort to get counselling or just leave. We have two kids together but I know you can't stay just for the kids.

[whereismumhiding]

He doesnt sound a very nice man.
I think the answer to your question is, do you see yourself happy with him still there in 10-15 years time.

If no, you have to make the break sometime.
Can you go to a solicitor to see about your rights and getting him removed.
You say he intimidates you, what you do mean? Does he shout in your face or push you around. If so, you could talk to the police as maybe they could remove him. Are you married or just partners? In which case, even if he owns part of the property/land, if your relationship has broken down then you can ask him to leave. You have the DC and he cannot stay and make your life

Can you go to CAB to ask the legal questions. Or get a good family solicitor. It will be hard but if you cant keep going like this, then you know what you have to do. My H has joint mortgage with me and he left and has no rights to come back or live here, even though it is jointly owned now our relationship has broken down.

[unavailable]

What further effort do you think you could put in Sshhbear?

From what you have said on both your posts, its clear that HE is the one not putting in any effort.

[Sshhbear]

I think as far as effort is concerned, I'm confused. I honestly believe that I have been patient, understanding and accommodating but whenever it comes down to discussion with him, he often takes such control that I start to question my own judgement and wonder if I'm being unreasonable. He has always managed to get me with the "I dont' drink, I don't sleep around" because he know's my last longterm partner did both. Then I start thinking that I'm lucky to find someone who doesn't do either. On the other hand, everyone that knows my partner says that I have been so good for him and for once in my life, I'd like to be with someone who's good for me too.

Oh, the stress of it all. You probably can't pick it but I'm a well educated, quite smart middle class person who works as an IT professional in a high paying job. You'd think I would have my personal life sorted out...

[Sshhbear]

By the way, I'm in Australia and I think our laws are different. We are not married because I have told him I can't/won't marry him. The solicitor said I can try to get him to leave and as a last resort, call the police to remove but I just can't do that. He is intimidating but not in a violent way. I can't explain it more than that. Over the years he has made me feel useless as a mother, useless in bed and useless at home. He's just one of those people who has the power to manipulate.

I don't think I could call the police unless he was beating me up.

[Momma23]

IF it were me i would have him removed by any way possible! Force him out on his ear, police can remove him.
HE is a lazy person having a free ride.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Sshhbear,

You are with a controller and controlling men are by their very nature abusive.

Do you think that his behaviour is abusive?.

I would read a copy of "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft because you will find him in there (I will not use the word partner or man to describe him because he is a bullying coward who has frightened you all into submission). All the techniques that these abusers use are ones he is employing to devastating effect.

This is all about power and control ultimately. He sees you as his property/possession. You mean nothing to him and you're easy to control but he won't let go of you easily. Controlling men don't but you can and should escape him.

You have spent the last 4 years trying to leave him; you do not want to waste the next 4 years thinking the same thoughts. You won't change him whatever you do.

Proper legal advice should be sought. There must be Womens Aid in Australia or its equivalent; you need a proper plan of escape otherwise he will end up destroying you totally (which is what he wants ultimately). He could well kill you if you stayed.

What this is all doing to your children is incalculable. You likely have three very angry, frightened and confused children on your hands. They see their Mummy upset and are worried for you. This is all damage that has been caused by him. You are playing a role in this too - what lessons are being imparted here by both of you?. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents - what is being taught here?. You are both imparting damaging lessons to these children; lessons they could well carry into adulthood when they themselves have their own families if you do not act now.

This is no way for either them or you to live.

His previous relationships all ended badly - what made you think he could change?. Did that not set any alarm bells ringing?. Probably not but these abusive people are very plausible to those in the outside world. It is only behind closed doors that their true nature emerges.

Why can't you call the police to have him removed?. What is stopping you?. He may not be thumping you physically but you've suffered emotional abuse for a long time at his hands. That alone is reason enough for him to be removed. You and your children will likely be a lot happier without his daily prescence.

If you stay you will all get more of the same because he knows you are fully beaten.

[unavailable]

So, the legal advice you have had is that you can have him removed if he refuses to leave of his own accord. You want him to leave. He refuses to leave.

Why cant you take the next logical step?

It sounds to me as if you are still hoping (against hope)that the relationship can be fixed.

[cestlavielife]

yes go to counselling - it will help you and you will need it even more after you have moved.

because you will move out with the kids (or get him to leave) - you know is the only way forward....

but also you may fear his reacitona dn what he might do - but be strong, know you are doing teh right thing - you HAVE to get out of this relationship

[Sshhbear]

I wish I was still seeing some light at the end of the tunnel. But not so. I don't know why I haven't taken the next step. My sister is fed up with my situation as are the few close friends I've confided in.

For a long time, I couldn't leave because due to an administrative error when we purchased our house, he was the only one on the title while I was the only one on the bank mortgage. I brought money from the sale of my last house into the relationship. He brought nothing but with the deed being in his name, I was stuck.

After getting legal advice, I finally managed to the get the deed office to add me to the title. I guess I've been battling with this situation for so long, I'm lost.

I just can't seem to make him understand that our relationship isn't healthy. He wants to be loved and I can't give him that. I just want to be happy and he can't give me that. Here's a terrible confession - he went to the doctors the other day with a health concern. When he came home and told me it was all ok, I was disappointed. Isn't that terrible. I can't believe my the thoughts that fly around my head sometimes.

I know what I have to do but I can't do it. I have problems even asking this man to help with dinner. One of the things he does all the time is, when you ask him something that involves him helping out, he says nothing or slowly says "What?". He knows exactly what I've said but it instantly puts tension in the air and I often jump in and say "I was only joking." Obviously my self esteem is shot to pieces because of the years of being around him. I know that.

I figure if I leave when he's not around (he goes to the coast one weekend a month), I can take everything I need, get away, settle in somewhere else and get myself out of the rut I'm in. I think if I can get away, he won't have control over me anymore.

I love my house but would rather sell the house and be happy than stay here.

[cestlavielife]

jsut read your other thread - i am sorri for what you going thru.

"I tried to leave last year and every night for a month, I tried to sit him down to talk and he wouldn't. He put me off everytime and refused to listen. So in the end, I wrote him a letter a week before I left and he said he read it but had nothing to say. When my moving day came, he was shocked about it all as he hadn't read the letter after all and he blocked the removalists and wouldn't let me take the kids. He promised I wouldn't regret staying but I do.
I have asked him to move out. He won't. "

so i was in simialr position last year - history to it but he refused to move out of joint owned property. i was/am sole earner....in the end only way was was to move out myself wiht kids to rented property. a eyar later so much better - he still givig issues over contact etc, but is at least at arms length. can delete text msgs etc. finances still to be sorted. but heck is only money...our lives and those of our children are worth so much more........

YES do it when he away for weekdn..borrow money whatever so you can pay the next six months...

at the worst and you default your loan they repossess it?

any friends who support you?

you HAVE to do this, you must get away so eh can see you serious - he knows he stopped you last time so he is laughing....

risk is he will blow/get violent??

you need to make sure you all safe when you move...do not allow him in new place. if there is trusted person you could let that eprsn take kids to see him. otherwise - stop contact and
have him apply to court for contact with children.

i suspect your son's issuss ARE related to this relationship and the way you being cntorlled...

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You need to properly process with a counsellor why you have not been fully able to break away. Maybe you still think you can fix this man (NO!). Maybe it is a fear of the unknown that is stopping you, shame, embarassment. Who knows?. Whatever it is it needs addressing by you or you will keep going around in circles and being unhappy with him.

The effect as well this is having on your children in incalculable at this time. Its not just you who needs consideration here.

My guess as well is that he has done a bang up job on you to date in controlling you (you're easily controlled because you allow yourself to be controlled) and you're stuck in indecision because of his actions.

Your sister and friends are fearful for you (they know what your partner is really like and you have probably defended him to them on occasion) but if it is all talk and no action on your part they may not think you're being serious about actually making the break.

You cannot leave the children with him at all; they must go with you.

You need a proper plan of escape and you need outside help from professionals like a domestic violence group, family and friends. He will not let you go easily, controlling men do not let go of their victims easily.