Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Need advice over friend

11 replies

aneedyfriend · 23/04/2009 22:38

Have name changed for this just in case..

for the past year my relationships have been a bit stressful and I have bent the ear of a friend maybe tooo much - she is a new-ish friend ( 4 years or so) and although we got very close, there is not a lot of history to the friendship.

I fear I have been too needy- calling her a bit too much, and asking her opinion on it all, and I think she has backed off. Maybe not- maybe she is genuinely busy, but we are not talking or meeting as much as before, and I initiate it all,

I am wondering whether just to say this to her and apologise - or if that is making to big a deal over it and makes me look even more needy and intense!

any ideas?

OP posts:

Report

MamaG · 23/04/2009 22:40

I think you might embarrass her

Just be breezy and friendly when you meet and don't talk about yourself all the time (IYKWIM) and hopefully she'll come round

Report

ladette · 23/04/2009 22:41

I'd ask her out or over to yours for a drink and a meal, when you invite her tell her that you want to thank her for being a really great friend in your time of need and you know you've asked a lot of her. Then focus really hard on making the whole evening about her.

Report

aneedyfriend · 23/04/2009 22:41

But if I suggest meeting she doesn't get back to me very quickly and when she does it's always- can't find the time for xxx weeks etc- feel she is putting me off. And I am worried she might be thinking "Oh she will only talk about herself!"

OP posts:

Report

mrsjammi · 23/04/2009 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

warthog · 23/04/2009 22:49

well i think the best way to show her you're sorry is the next time you do meet up, don't go on about yourself, but ask about her, keep it light and just have a nice time. then she has more incentive to meet with you next time.

Report

ladette · 23/04/2009 22:50

well, why not send her a thank you card, saying you really appreciate all she's done for you , and you'd like to ask her out for a meal to thank her - and you promise to leave your troubles at home. If she's still too busy, then leave it - maybe she is, or has troubles of her own. But that way, you've let her know you appreciate her and recognise you've asked a lot of her. The ball's in her court then.

Report

BananaFruitBat · 23/04/2009 22:52

Buy her something. Seriously. A bunch of her favourite flowers or maybe one of those little books you can get. But make sure you think really hard about it, get it just right, and spend as little as possible. Then when you do get to see her, just say cheerily "oh I saw this earlier and thought of you" or something like that. Then change the subject. Don't dwell on it. But don't apologise for being needy. Just move on to the next stage of your friendship which will hopefully be more equal.

HTH, if it makes any sense!

Report

FrankMustard · 23/04/2009 22:53

If you really feel this is what's happened then I think it's worth just mentioning that you're sorry you've offloaded stuff a lot lately and won't be doing it any more and then she knows you're ok and you know she won't be backing off from now on.
I'm sure if she's a good freiendd, she'll appreciate the fact that you've acknowledged that. Ladette's idea of a little thank you is a thoughtful one.

Report

frumpygrumpy · 23/04/2009 22:57

My advice would be just to stay cool. Maybe meet out for coffee and chat lightly. Show her you can be easy and calm and have something to offer her too. If she is a real friend it will work.

Report

kidowner · 23/04/2009 23:06

People move on and I feel she does not value your friendship as much as you value hers. Wait until she initiates the next meeting, if it doesn't happen, back off.

If she does, tell her she's been great and have a little treat for her in mind.

Please focus on making new friends too, to take away the hurt if she doesn't want to contact you.

Report

aneedyfriend · 24/04/2009 07:19

Thanks all _ i will take it all on baord.
Over the past couple of years we have both sent each other little cards- and she has actually given me a little something! However, I feel the balance has shifted and I have become the needy one!

I think I will try a mixture of the honest approach and also not talk about me- which is what I planned anyway.

She has a new man in her life and is a single mum, so maybe she is just busy as well. Thanks all.