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Relationships

I'm 37 and want to start TTC now, but OH doesn't feel ready - advice please?

36 replies

Geekylass · 08/04/2009 20:05

Man, this is scary! First time posting a question and I feel all shaky...

Anyway, I had resigned myself to being childfree because I thought I was too old to have children, and was trying to look on the bright side about it. Yeah, I know, if I'd read Mumsnet first I'd have realised plenty of women have babies even later in life! It wasn't too bad, as we live in a lovely part of our city with plenty of things to do, and I am studying a subject that I love (and have been accepted to do a Master's degree now, so would be continuing with it if I didn't have this dilemma). Found out just over a year ago that I was pregnant, and decided to terminate the pregnancy because I was in the 3rd year of 4 of uni as a VERY mature student (please don't judge us, we were heartbroken and I don't think I'll ever get over it). Now I'm sitting finals in a few weeks - but all I can think about is trying to get pregnant again. It is not helping me to revise!

We had a brief conversation about it a few months ago, and found out OH doesn't feel ready, and in addition is terrified that he wouldn't be able to handle it all. I, however, know he can/will cope, and its only because he has had little exposure to children that makes him feel like this. I think he'd be a wonderful dad - he's patient and kind, he loves to be light-hearted and playful, he's steady and has great relationships with his family and friends (I know there's more to it than that, but you get the idea hopefully). He was wonderful when I had the termination, which was very painful and frightening for me - although he was obviously scared, he was strong and supportive and looked after me both physically and mentally.

So, patient readers, what should I do? Can I/should I talk him round? Resign myself again and get on with enjoying our lives without children? Wait and TTC in a few years, when it is going to be even more dangerous than it is now? Stick pins through the condoms (only joking!)?

Thank you in advance for any replies, if you have managed to struggle through this badly-writted question - I would really appreciate some sensible advice here.

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PeachyWithTheBirthdayBas · 08/04/2009 20:10

Hello and welcome

first youre not that old dear- dh starts uni thisyearwe hope, he's also 37 lol and I graduated last year at 35- many of us on here.

I think it really is a case of keep at it. Expose him to children if you get the chance and focus on confidence building over nagging (not saying you do though!).

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HeadFairy · 08/04/2009 20:11

It's difficult because if you really talk him round and he agrees there may always be some level of resentment that he was railroaded in to it. On the other hand, lots of people don't feel ready. I don't think anyone's ever ready if they really think about it.

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spicemonster · 08/04/2009 20:18

Hiya. I can really relate to all of that. Very, very similar thing happened to me. Difference was that my partner had come out of a marriage and already had children and was adamant he didn't want more. But getting pregnant for me was a real wake up call and made me realise how much I really, really wanted to have a child. And ultimately that ended our relationship.

Honestly, I think it's very unfair of a man who loves you to tell a 37 year old woman that he's not ready. Actually you don't have a lot of time. And by the time he decides he is ready, it may be too late. So I think you need to decide if you are prepared to make a choice - do you want this more than you want him? If you decide that this is something you have to do, I think you should give him a deadline to decide by. And if he says no or is still prevaricating, then you need to walk away. Because if you don't, then you will leave it and leave it and then it will be too late to even start trying and you might be sad for ever. Or you will start trying as your fertility decides it doesn't want to play ball and go through a load of agonising trying to conceive stuff and that will quite possibly be the end of your relationship anyway.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, I just get really fed up with men dilly dallying around when there isn't that luxury of time.

Good luck - I feel for you hugely.

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kitsmummy · 08/04/2009 20:20

I think try and talk him round - he sounds great so I'm sure he'd cope with it and be over the moon when the baby arrives. Time's not really on your side so I'd try to gently persuade him, good luck

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tribpot · 08/04/2009 20:26

Have you had counselling following your termination? I think what you are feeling is quite a natural reaction to that.

I also think you need to decide what you want most. And that's very hard because a non-parent can never truly know what being a parent is like, you just have to go on instinct. You could decide you want a baby more than your OH and then discover you can't conceive. You could decide you want your OH more than a baby and then discover age 45 that you resent him more than you love him. There aren't any right answers.

I think you need to have a very honest discussion with him about it, about the termination and about your future. It's very hard to give you an unbiased view as I loved my childfree years but, like most parents, I would not swap my life now for that even though a lot of the time I find it impossibly stressful, difficult and actually bloody awful. You cannot compare one with the other - literally. They are different ways of living and each have compelling arguments in their favour.

In honesty in your shoes I would be tempted to hand the cards back to nature and say "if it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't". I wish you all the best whatever you decide to do.

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goodnightmoon · 08/04/2009 20:46

is he not ready, or has decided he doesn't want them at all? i went through something very similar with DH. he just didn't feel ready, despite my advanced age. we very slowly got there and had DS last year, after two miscarriages and a host of failed fertility treatments.

DH couldn't be happier. He's high on fatherhood and spreading the word to his reluctant friends.

Honestly, if i could go back in time, I would have accidentally on purpose gotten pregnant a hell of a lot earlier! I know that is forbidden, but I also knew he would love fatherhood.

How many people regret a child? very very few.

oh, and we also had a similar termination - disaster. I thought i was sure at the time but it's my biggest regret. To be honest I think it contributed to our problems too - that it sent a message I didn't want his child, though of course that was not true.

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Geekylass · 08/04/2009 21:02

Many thanks for your quick (and sensible) replies. Just wanted to put in here that I may disappear in about an hour or so for the evening - he would be mortified if he knew I was discussing him here, and doesn't even know I lurk in Mumsnet feeling all your pain and happiness and wishing I belonged here I will come back tomorrow to see if there's any more advice for me.

Peachy - thanks, and I hope your DH has a ball! It's been the most wonderful experience for me, and not bad for someone who left school with 3 0-Grades I agree with exposing him to children, but we only know one, and see him infrequently - which is such a shame because he's the best behaved child I've ever known. If anyone could persuade him, this kid could!

HF - you're so right - who does feel ready? And yes, I am worried about resentment later, even from someone as placid as him.

SM - the termination did make me realise, after all these years, that I did want to have a child. It has been hard to admit that because I never thought I would, but now I seem to have done a 180. Thank you - you've basically asked me what I've been too afraid to put into words.

Kitsmummy - with my rose-tinted specs on that's what I think too. On days like this, though, I worry that he'll just say yes because he wants me to be happy, even though that might make him unhappy.

Tribpot - I didn't, no. I should have, but was writing a dissertation at the time and I didn't feel like I had the time or energy to bare my soul to someone about it. And I still don't, although maybe I should when Finals are over. Thanks. That step into the unknown - yes, it does frighten me. That's why I decided to ask here, because you people give honest answers. My instinct is that we'd be ace parents, but I can't know that for sure until it happens and then its too late! Of course we need to discuss it more, I just don't want him to think I'm nagging him because 'I wanna baby!' and give in to please me.

People, thank you. 5 answers within minutes, you lot are amazing! You've given me a lot to think about. If anyone else wants to chip in, please do. I welcome it, and will be back soon, and again tomorrow to find out if there are any other opinions. All the best to you x

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HeadFairy · 08/04/2009 21:30

Geekylass, the resentment issue is a difficult one too, because will it be a marriage breaker or will it just be something that's thrown back in your face every time you have an argument. I've pretty much bullied dh in to having another baby (not bullied, he really wouldn't go ahead with it if he didn't want to at some level, he's really very stubborn) but I know it'll be the latter with us, life will be ok until I'm tired or struggling and then, although of course he'll help, it'll be a case of him saying "you wanted 2". I know some people might find that but I think it's worth it. And he may surprise me, he did with ds. He's totally besotted and I never thought he'd be the besotted type.

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YanknbeforetheCockcrows · 08/04/2009 22:20

I was in a similar situation as far as being married to someone who 'wasn't ready'. I got married at 26 to a man who was 23. We agreed to look into having children after three years (when I was 29). When I turned 29 I felt ready, but he didn't. Then the GP told me I should really start trying due to my PCOS, as if I had problems conceiving it would take a long time to get treatment on the NHS and she didn't want me to miss the age cutoffs in our area. Husband now decided he wanted to wait until after 5 years of marriage, despite GP's advice and my desire to start trying.

I finally talked him round to my stopping birth control and the idea that I'd be charting my temp. He agreed in principle that I couldn't wait forever, but the problem was he basically never wanted to have sex. He was ok with once a month, and never when it would have been a 'good time' to conceive (and I didn't ovulate predictably, or even every month).

Over the next year and a half, I got more resentful, he got more stubborn, and I eventually decided if I was ever going to have children, it wasn't going to happen with him. We separated, and straight away I met someone at work who was the same age as me and wanted children. We stopped using birth control after 4 months together, and it took a year, but I finally got pregnant. I miscarried, but got pregnant again a few months later. Now remarried, and 20 weeks pregnant with a boy.

For me, the 'not being ready' thing was a complete deal-breaker, and it made XH and I very resentful of each other. I'm not suggesting you leave him and find someone else to have children with, but you need to think about how much you may resent him if he effectively prevents you from becoming a mother. Can your relationship survive that?

I think the idea of letting nature take its course is a good one. It's NEVER a perfect time for a baby, I really don't think there is such a thing. Agree you need to figure out if his 'I'm not ready' is really a 'I won't ever be ready'. He needs to think of you and realise it is completely a different issue for women--we don't have the luxury of waiting!

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PeachyWithTheBirthdayBas · 09/04/2009 10:15

Resentment is a complex issue. I've brushed with it twice; first with XP.... I was desperate for a baby, don't now why just felt a real need. He wasn't so sure- wanted to wait a year or two at least (and an awful lot of things that I didn't want but the were buuried at the time). One day he just came around- decided he wanted a baby ASAP also. I ran! Partly because I feared a man whop could be so easily talked into anything but also out of afear of having it thrown back at me if anything did go wrong (I have since found I have disabled children which I suspect is due to a genetic fault I carry, so that could well have happened).

I ran up against iyt with DH for our last baby (planned but in the gap we'd had the diagnoses etc ds1 / ds3). I didn't push it with him becuiase I know that lovely as he is, things do indeed get raised in arguments that you think are all sorted (EG moving away for me to study). Suddenly opne day he changed his mind and ds was born a year and 2 days ago but it was essential I didn't push him. OTOH I had time and already had my family, if slightly smaller than I wanted.

How much of a discussion on this have you really had? Can you say to him 'it's essential we really sort this out, have a deep think to yourself about what you most want and we'll sit down together on Saturday, turn off the telephone and do ur best t o talk it through'?I find that sort of pre-warning works with DH if you want any resolution to an issue.


Good luck, and good luck with the Masters. I was accepted for ne in autism but couldn't risk the finances; I do remember Finals etc though LOL- I think I had a five week old . Having a baby is ownderful and I am so glad I have my boys but itcertainly complicates things.

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TheProfiteroleThief · 09/04/2009 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyNameIsInEggGoMontoya · 09/04/2009 11:33

Think you need to thrash out with him whether he means he wants kids (or may want kids) but isn't sure he is ready for them NOW - or that he might not actually want one at all.

If it is the first - then you will have to be very blunt and tell him what Profiterole says pretty much - that time is not on your side . Of course I'm not saying that you CAN'T have children at your age or even older, but that it does get harder and that the longer you wait, the more chance there is that it never happens. After all even for people at their peak fertility it still takes something like half a year on average to get pg...
You can also ask what would make him feel "ready" and remind him some people never feel that way - personally I always felt I would probably want children "someday" but never felt quite ready to do it "now". But eventually realised that I didn't have the luxury of thinking about it for many more years, and that I would miss the best time if I waited. (We are now thinking about number 2!).
Then he can make his decision with a realistic view and hopefully this will encourage him to get a wiggle on.

If it is the second though, this will be harder but then at least you know what you are dealing with. Then you will have to decide, based on your knowledge of him, whether it is worth pushing it further or whether he really will never want to go ahead.

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goodnightmoon · 09/04/2009 11:50

totally agree, my DH would always vaguely say "someday." He just didn't seem to get that "someday" was not going to be possible with ME, unless "someday" was within a few years. that said, i could relate, because i was apprehensive myself for many years.

I don't think there was even a firm moment when my DH agreed to go for it, more like he was worn down and gradually accepted that we were trying (I went off the pill, and i think he eventually felt a bit stupid using condoms). even after my second miscarriage, i remember him still saying he didn't feel ready, that it wasn't the ideal time for him with his career, etc.!

GRRR.. Men. And honestly my DH is so lovely.

Another issue is if your DH does want kids at some stage - how many does he want? because another thing that came up with my DH after the miscarriages was him saying - oh no, what if we can only have one?

I was like, ok buddy, i would be thrilled with one, but maybe you should have given that some thought when you were wallowing in your la la land of "someday"!!!

one more thing - i don't mean to be the voice of doom and gloom, but i was shown little charts by various fertility doctors showing how fertility starts dropping off a cliff at 35, and again at 37.5.

sometimes i think women are poorly served by high-profile examples of women having kids in their 40s, and by the idea that it is ok to wait until well into our 30s before starting ttc.

unfortunately our biology has not caught up with this social shift, and IVF has very limited success rates ...

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beanieb · 09/04/2009 12:01

I agree with MyNameIsInEggGoMontoya, you need to thrash it out with him really not try to talk him round. I think that you need to tell him straight that because of your age you are now serious about wanting to have babies and need to know that this is something he is happy to do and if it's not then you need to decide if you are going to be happy to stay with him without having kids. He may not get renetful but you might.

I left a long relationship with someone who just didn't want kids. When I said I was leaving he did a big U-turn and promised me the world, and kids, but it was too late by then as I was so resentful and I had started a new relationship.

I also agree with goodnightmoon but don't want to be all doom and gloom either, it's just better to be realistic I think. Fertility does decline, as I have found out myself, and the older you get the more difficult it becomes to get pregnant. As a 39 year old woman who is having difficulty conceiving I feel very resentful towards my ex and wish I had put myself first earlier.

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lalalonglegs · 09/04/2009 12:20

I would be very if a 37yo man - assuming that he is same age as you - said he was not ready to have children. It would suggest to me that he just didn't want them at all. You sound as if you have a very interesting and stimulating life together but you have to ask yourself whether that will be enough for you for the rest of your life. I would try to concentrate on my finals and then set about deciding how much I wanted to conceive and whether my husband was the man with whom I was most likely to have children.

Good luck with your exams and with this decision, I think there will be a lot heart-searching over the next few months.

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Geekylass · 09/04/2009 13:48

Thank you again for all the replies. I think instead of going through them one by one, I'll just take the main points and scramble them all together - hope you don't mind.

Oh, first I need to ask - what do you mean by 'letting nature take its course'? If you mean stopping contraception, I'm afraid we use condoms, and he checks for leaks afterwards! So I'm afraid that's out of my hands (and stops me sticking pins in condoms, thank goodness, because I would feel awfully guilty if I did that).

Okay, OH is only 32 , don't know if that makes a difference. He has friends who are child-positive, but is friends with one particular couple where the wife (she's about 28, so much younger than me) is constantly nagging the husband about getting pregnant, and the husband is getting mighty fed up with it. This worries me in case it has an effect on my OH.

We have no children at the moment. He has said a number of times that he does want to have children, but we have not discussed how many. I am now making a list of things I want to say to him and also find out from him, and I am going to tell him tonight that I want to have a serious talk about it on Saturday (like Peachy's OH, I find it easier to warn him if there's a serious chat on the horizon, so he can get his head together about it!). If I had time I would have got the totally brilliant 'ovaries wait for no man' printed on a t-shirt for the occasion!

I am worried about him being resentful - I think this would realise itself not in anger, but in withdrawal, from me and from family life. However, if we don't at least try for a baby, I think my resentment would mean the end of the relationship

Thank you all so much for sharing your stories with me - I am so grateful that you took the time to discuss this very personal issue. I feel for all of you who have been through shitty relationships and difficult pregnancies, or who are now dealing with challenging outcomes. Wish there was something reassuring and helpful I could say, but I just don't have the words. Also, thank you for your good wishes for finals and beyond! (Although I probably have a better chance of getting through them if I step away from the laptop and pick up a book)

Am I mad for wanting to join you in the wonderful world of mum??

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MorrisZapp · 09/04/2009 14:08

Totally sympathise. I'm the ambivalent one in our house - I'm 37 and grudgingly came off the pill last summer after years of saying 'next year, next year'.

I was waiting for some 'crossing over' into wanting kids that I now know will never come. I don't want to miss out on motherhood so I'm sort of ttc now but still feel ambivalent about it.

I think the idea of 'ready' is just pointless when talking about kids. You're never 'ready'. You just deal with it all when it happens.

One point I would make is that somebody mentioned exposing your DP to other people's kids. I'd say, as a very loving auntie, that this may be counterproductive. I see my whole family on birthdays etc, and for years I have loved coming home from the mayhem, closing the door and lapping up the wonderful peace and quiet in my childless home.

Your DP will feel totally differently about his own kids as he will to other people's noisy brats, as I hope I will one day too.

Good luck!!

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YanknbeforetheCockcrows · 09/04/2009 15:48

No need to about your OH being younger, but yes it can cause a problem in these circumstances. 32 is a very reasonable age for a first time father. Sometimes, I think feeling 'not ready' is a good sign that you ARE ready--as in you don't take parenthood lightly and you're not unrealistic about the impact it will have on your life. I'm pregnant after 3 years of trying and STILL don't feel ready!

You really should tell him exactly what you've said here. You don't have the luxury of time, you are worried he will be resentful of pressure, but at the same time you are worried the relationship will not survive if you are denied the chance to be a mother.

It's a huge, weird step to go from years and years of trying NOT to get pregnant to then trying to get pregnant. That's what I think we mean by letting nature take its course. Drop the contraception, but don't go crazy with 'trying' as far as timing intercourse, looking for ovulation signs, etc, etc. Just see what happens.

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goodnightmoon · 09/04/2009 16:07

geekylass - my DH is also five years younger than me, so i once again relate.

that can explain their reluctance, in part, but the reality is that most women their own age would be wanting to get started too.

also agree with MorrisZapp about keeping him away from kids, if anything. One afternoon in the Natural History Museum or the like and you could both want to double up the condoms.

but yes, it is totally different when they are your own.

one question you might want to consider talking about with him is how your life will look in 10 years, in 20 years, if you don't have children. How will you both feel as you see even younger, reluctant friends become parents, and know that you will never experience that?

my biggest fear during the dark ttc years was that DH and I would end up breaking up, and that he'd go off and have kids with someone else.

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beanieb · 09/04/2009 16:52

goodnightmoon - I can so relate to your last statement. My OH is 6 years younger than me and (thankfully) really does want kids. Having troubles TTC has made me worry about our future together. What if I can't give him kids etc

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Acinonyx · 09/04/2009 17:32

I'm going to tell you a bit of my story just to add to the mix and see what you think. Dh and I married at 35 and planned to start IVF immediately (we knew we had male-factor infertility after a vas reversal). Dh was then very ill and things got complicated.

At 37 I did IVF, got pg but lost it, then next cycle failed. Dh got sicker. I didn't feel I could cope with ttc under the circumstances and decided not to try anymore. Instead, I went to do a masters, then started a PhD.

So roll on now I'm 42 and 2 yars into a PhD, and dh has had a ton of surgery and is much better. I was absolutely sure I had made my decision and would never consider ttc after 40, especially IVF as the odds are dismal at that age.

I really, really thought I could pyt the baby thing behind me. But one day I got teary about a pg annnouncement and dh said - let's try again. So we did. And now I'm 47 with a 3 year-old dd and I'm submitting my PhD next Wed. The odds of my conceiving were put at 5%.

So I got to have it all in the end (but the wait cost us a second child). Dh had had a vas without ever having kids - that's how sure he was that he didn't want kids. But he a really doting dad now and we are both sorry that we cannot have another.

Not sure what the moral of that story is. You can still study and have a baby - it's tough and it might take longer. And be very careful if you think you can put wanting a baby out of your mind forever. I might have failed ttc again - but at least I knew that we had tried and that could save regrets later.

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PeachyWithTheBirthdayBas · 09/04/2009 17:55

Acy - glad it turned out so well for you both.

AS for the study and have a baby- when I did my finals I had a 5 weeker, plus three others, 2 autuistic and one (I now know, didn't then) probable ADHD

I am a laxy bint, so if I can do it, you certainly can. Don't let that aspect put you off, or be used against your arguments either.

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Shylily · 09/04/2009 22:22

I agree with MorrisZapp - I love my children but guarantee that if your OH was exposed to them, he would be put off for life!
I hope you work out what's right for you.

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Liskey · 09/04/2009 22:35

Hi I wanted to post my DH was always very ambivalent about having children but did agree to it.

We tried for 18 months and I got pregnant last year at the age of 34 - I then had a missed miscarriage.

Following this my DH has now decided firmly that he does want children - when I first said i was pregnant though he was terrified and stressed about it. Now we're trying again and I hope I will get pregnant again.

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tattycoram · 09/04/2009 22:36

Liskey, I hope you get good news soon

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