I can't bear my mother

[Abi12]

I was wondering if anyone had any advise they could give me on coping with a very over bearing mother?

My relationship with my mum has always been difficult (since I learnt to talk!) and we both have very strong personalities. I think the problem stems from the fact that she considers me and my older sibling to be 'hers' and therefore expects us to do as she pleases. She uses any kind of emotional blackmail to get me to do or go to things I have no interest in and if you don't do as she wishes you get silent treatment/cold shoulder for so long that you forget how it started or you get reminded that you didn't do said thing for years after the event.

I also have another underlying problem with her in that she much prefers my older sibling to me. She has admitted that she prefers my sibling which has always upset me - its always been very obvious and I cannot forgive her for making me so aware of it as a child. Other relatives also noticed it (Grandparents and close friends of my mothers).

Sorry to go on but what I would like to be able to do is have a way of not being bothered by her - not being manipulated into doing things I don't want to do - but still seeing her as I love her and my dad and they love my son very much. Has anyone any advise? Many thanks.

[BrownSuga]

Gosh, this sounds EXACTLY like my mother, even to favouring the older child, my DB, the golden one, in spite of all the crap he has put her through.

Unfortunately for me, after enduring many of my mothers speak to me/not speak to me cycles, I have withdrawn from her. Fortunately I live in a different country so it doesn't really impact me. I still send her photos of my DS, her only grandchild, but no news about us as she would only criticize or use it against me in some fashion. I would like to visit home and see my step-sisters and their kids and our dad, but her prescence stops me, which is what I hate the most about this situation.

I hope you find a better way of dealing with your mum, and you get some good advice soon.

[Abi12]

I have actually thought about moving abroad - it would be such a releif to get far away. At the moment we're about an hours drive.

Unfortunatley DH isn't keen on the idea - he keeps reminding me we need to earn money!!

[BrownSuga]

An hours drive sounds a good distance, or does she like to pop in unannounced?

The last time I went home was for my mothers remarriage. We'd just been on a big holiday a few mths before and it was the most expensive time to go, but DH and I made the effort. When we got there, she said something like, oh I really thought DS would be with you as a suprise. Gee thanks.

I was also 3mths pregnant and had food poisoning on arrival, and I could just see how hacked off she was with me, like I wasn't allowed to be ill and it was ruining her week.

I suppose if I had to deal with my mother regularly in person, I would learn the word NO, and "I can't do that" or "I don't want to do that", or even more vaguely, "I'll have to see", or my favourite "It's hard to say". I guess after saying these things a few times it would get easier to say exactly what I think and why, and tough if she got the hump. But I know that is easier said than done with an overbearing parent.

[Abi12]

There is no chance she would pop in - she acts as though we live in outa mongolia - because i have moved out of London.

Your mum saying about you bringing DS with you as a surprise must have been so hurtful - can you imagine the reaction if you said something similar the other way round!

I can put my foot down and say 'no' but its the amount of bother this causes me that stops me. I just know there will be reminders for years to come and it will be used against me. Not to mention the silent treatment!

[BrownSuga]

My dad always advised just going along with her to keep the peace, but I got to a point where enough was enough. She was stealing my peace and I wanted it back. Hence the withdrawal.

It seems as though, like me, you can't do anything as it is your mums reaction to you that is causing the bother rather than an inability to say what you think.

I think the less contact I have had, and the older I have got the less bothered I am, although I know I would get that sick feeling in my stomach if I ever did run into her on the street.

It's a tough one, hopefully someone else will read this and be able to advise you. I know a lot of people normally refer posters to the Stately Homes thread, you'll probably find some good advice on there.

[Abi12]

Thanks ever so much for sharing your situation with me - I would love to withdraw from them but I just feel so bad for my son and I know I would miss my Dad and Bro (our very own golden child) very much.

This is why it is so tempting for me to move far far away - just not financially viable at the moment.

[BrownSuga]

I know how you feel about missing other family.

Our golden child also lives abroad and doesn't have much contact with our mother either, I would have thought that would tell her something! I do miss my dad (they are divorced), but feel that during our childhood he stood aside and let our mum treat us the way she did. But still, he is a good soul.

It would be nice just to have a mum without all the crap wouldn't it?

I don't feel bad for my DS, because I can't be sure she wouldn't treat him the same way. I may let him visit with her if we are ever home for a holiday, but only once he can communicate how he has been treated and feels about it.

Good luck with it!

[Abi12]

My mum treats everyone else quite well - she is wonderful with my son and and all the kids in the family. I guess they are too young to go against what she says (my son is only 9 months).

My dad always sides with my mum - its too much hassle not to and my brother is adored by my mum and can do no wrong.

Like you say - I can only imagine what it would be like to have a normal relationship!