Sexual abuse / asault in marriage

[hopefullandfree]

Horrible subject, but wondering if anyone else has experienced this. Am divorcing and in counselling but still struggling to come to terms with it.
Has anyone else experienced this and recovered ?

[Ninjacat]

You are not alone in this at all. There is a workshop called the Freedom Project which you should look into.
You will recover but it will take time and a lot of looking after yourself, so be kind to yourself and keep yourself safe.
You've done the hardest part and that's leaving so now you can work towards living x

[hopefullandfree]

Thanks so muh for that , have found them on line and contacted them.

[AnyFuckerStealsHerKidsEggs]

I don't have experience but I would just like to say congratulations to you for getting out, it must have taken a lot of strength and courage.

[INeverTalkAboutThisStuff]

I've been there, very few people know about it. If anyone asks why we split up I just dodge the subject or mutter something vague - I pressed charges and got partway through the process but it took me so long to make the statement, many many sessions, that I knew I'd never be able to stand up in court. He had a previous conviction and I've heard (from someone he lived with after we split) that it happened again.

I don't know that I've got any advice, but I think I can say I've recovered and have been in a relationship for a few years now - however we don't live together and I don't like us to spend the night together

[hopefullandfree]

Thanks you so much inevertalk , its not talked about and i sometimes feel utterly alone with it.
I am having counselling, it helps but i struggle with a rage that i never thought possible, i often fantasise about the most horrible revenge , and if pushed, i could seriously hurt him, i already have done once.

I often think about pressing charges but dont feel i would be taken seriously, and i have dcs who that would effect .

Does the rage, anger eventually go?

[fattiemumma]

the father of my children was violant and abusive in every way. he would rape or violate me in some way most days. often in front of my son.

You will recover and you will find you again. well done for finding the strength to leave and to move forward in your life. you have already shown you have the courage to move forward in your life.
good luck with the journey

[hopefullandfree]

Thank you, thats so encouraging. At the minuite i feel quite emotional, and hes been gone for a year and a half.
I have recently started seeing someone loveley, and i think this may have made it worse, in the way that it makes me realise how vile and twisted my ex actually was.I find myself close to tears at some normal gesture , and frequently if i spend the night with him.

At a recent smear i cried the whole way through and ended up being physicly sick.The loveley nurse made some understanding comment and i knew she knew.

Ive been angry for a long time about this, i thought i was getting on top of it but seem to be getting more and more upset about it lateley. Maybe its a combination of recent counselling and new man?

[fattiemumma]

i remember having to be examined in a similar way not long after leaving xp.
it was one of the most difficult things i have ever done.
it took me almost 5 years to meet someone else i felt safe enough to sleep with.
He is so far the opposite of xp its almost funny.

[SilkyDemon]

I too have experience of this. It is physical and emotional violation of the very worst kind, by a man you once vowed to spend the rest of your life with. Like you, I never pressed charges, largely due to the potential impact on DD. It's been 9 years since I laid eyes on my ex-h, and I really hope it stays that way. In many ways, the rage has subsided, although I still feel sick when, in my darker moments, I re-live the regular attacks he carried out. When I look back, it's almost like I'm looking at someone else's life - I think that's my minds way of detaching from the trauma. If you find the right counsellor, the counselling process will help - but persevere with it, you may feel worse before it gets better.

You found the strength to leave, please take courage from that. I wish you peace.

[notmanypeopleknow]

Name changed.

I was fine in my first sexual experience after splitting from abusive h.

The new relationship was with a man who was young, popular, sooo good looking and it helped me to regain some self esteem, and perhaps in some way "get my own back" on ex. The relationship ended amicably - it was never going to be a forever thing.

I was surprised then to find that the next sexual relationship was much more difficult. Fortunately, he was patient and kind and was willing to negotiate on whatever I needed - the option to sleep in separate rooms, the willingness to just lay together in bed, the self control never to push it, the intuition to sense when I was feeling tense (and to make me a cup of tea, rather than getting angry).

The gentle behaviour of my dp has enabled me to regain a true confidence about my own worth. We have been together for 11 years and we have a genuine and happy love which includes a very ordinary sex life.

I had counselling early on after splitting with ex, but have not felt the need for more. I have a pathological hatred for any films that contain rape scenes, but apart from that I feel resolved.

Your name says a lot free from the partner, and hopeful about your future. Good wishes.

[hopefullandfree]

Thank you for your replys, im sure its not an easy subject to respond to.
I often find myself reliving it and literally seethe with rage.
Counselling is really helping , but the worst thing is why ? Why do they do this , and how can they live with themselves?

Once i asked him and he vagueley apologised and gave the lame excuse that he was probably trying to dominate me.I was very upset.He later casually texted me saying he was sorry i was upset and hoped i felt better for having got it off my chest !!!!!!!

If there was even a hint of recognition, remorse or explanation it would help, but there isnt, and nor will there ever be. He simply goes on with his life not giving a toss.

I saw him today, first time in months, and i noticed this fat balding little man, and remembered the glee and satisfaction on his face when he was doing this to me.
How was i ever afraid of this overweight little shit ? Who was that person living my life ?

How i did not run him over i do not know.

I feel like he should pay,, suffer like i have.I have fantasised about him being raped by men , asaulted and humilated and thought how I would be gleefull and glad and tell him how hes making a fuss about nothing.
Have any of you ever had a genuine apology ?

[fattiemumma]

no.
my ex still denies, even when we were alone, that any of it ever happened.

He took me to court for access to our children and we had to have a hearing about what had ended the relationship ie the violence.

he denied everything. i had to stand in court and give detailed accounts of everything that had happened. i was distraught and he just sat there looking at me as if he hadn't a care in the world.

he is not worthy of my energy. i don't wish bad things to happen to him. i just wish he were out of my life forever.

[hopefullandfree]

That must have been awful for you, im so sorry for you.

When i saw him today i saw a monster. Sadly i have to have contact with him, email usually, because of the dcs.My dcs find it hard that we dont spend special occasions together, of course he is willing but i am not.
I sometimes feel that i should put this to one side for their sake on special occasions but if he even looked at me the wrong way i would kill him.

I feel that he is swaggering around chuckling to himself about what hes got away with.What did i ever see in this little fat shit ? I am way out of his league and he was lucky to have me for one minuite.

My counseller has asked me what level of revenge would i be satisfied with and the answer is none.I suppose nothing i could inflict on him, no matter how exreme would make me feel better.
How dare he ave done this to me, i feel like i am going mad.

[SilkyDemon]

hopeful - the rage you describe is totally justified and understandable. I used to be chewed up with vengeful thoughts of my ex-h being raped and abused, and I think it's normal and probably so important to go through this process. But now, 9 years on, I have the best revenge of all...I have my life back, my happiness, my DD with me, have been in a relationship for five years and have a DS and am pg with another. I never thought I could ever be happy again, but I am. I compare this to how I know his life will have turned out and that's enough for me. I wish him no ill, I just never want to see him again. As your name says, you are free now, and you have the rest of your life ahead to create the happiness for yourself that you deserve. Good luck x

[hopefullandfree]

Thank you all so much for your replys on this horrible subject, its helped immenseley to know that i wont always feel this way.

Occasionally i can kind of taste what it would be like to let it go, forgive , recover, yet still a kind word, a freindly hug, these messages on here from strangers i dont know can reduce me to tears.

There is a special occasion coming up, my dcs are very upset that i wont be attending with their father. I know i should put them first and i feel immenseley guilty for this , should i attend ?
There will not be these occasions again, i do not want to miss out, nor do i want my children to be upset.He will not be rude or abusive to me as he knows i will beat him senseless and he is now quite rightly afraid of me.

I fear that i am somehow forver changed, will never feel " right " ever again.
But you ladies have, and i will to.

[BitOfFunnyBunny]

I had to really fight my corner not to attend events like parents evening etc with my ex (split for similar reasons to yours), especially as I hadn't told anybody in RL bar people who didn't know "us".

It was difficult but I'm glad I stood my ground.

It's a bit easier to speak now, at least on the phone, when necessary. But there wasn't much in the way of violent coercion in the abuse, so maybe that makes a difference. I didn't feel angry really either, just very relieved to be away, so it sounds rather different to your situation. Sending you good wishes for you recovering though- I hope you do find some support from the others here.

[fattiemumma]

you will get there. it takes different lengths of time for different people but it will happen.

the children often ask me why i can't just love daddy anymore "cos he still loves you" that in itself angers me because it means he has obviously been speaking about it to them and thats unfair on them. its hard as i know it upsets them. but i reconsile myself with the knowledge that they would be a lot less happy than they are if we were still together.

Don't go to the special occasion if you feel you would be uncomfortable. it wont be fair on anyone, and teh children may end up getting the wrong idea and think there is hope of you geting back together.

[notmanypeopleknow]

In my experience, my exh is fine with my dcs. I have been extra vigilant in looking for any signs of problems, but I really think his issue was how to control me and I am as certain as I could be that my dcs have always been safe.

It has been 15 years since we split up and we have attended joint parents evenings etc (it took about 10 years before I could face this). Recently we both attended a family event because we knew it was important for my dd.

I feel quite detached from him emotionally. The anger has passed. I am glad I have moved on. I am a better stronger person now than I ever was. My dp, however would willingly punch his lights out!

Like BoFB not many people in RL knew.

[hopefullandfree]

Hi,
My ex wasnt voilent, but he has sexually abused me. Sounds weird but this was usually while we were already being intimate.

He would do this using physical force and i would have to physically get him off me.He would then yell and scream about how fxxxxx frigid i was, of course i had children in the next room so would often try to placate him.Is very difficult to explain and theres the issue of consent already being given, but thats consent for A, not for B.
Hes a twat.

Usually i would say nothing as i didnt want my dcs to hear him screaming , how easily manipulated and guilt tripped was i?

Part of my rage comes from having been so afraid of this nobody, this fat little bully, and that i didnt / couldnt stand up for myself.I am nearly as angry at me as i am at him.

Anyway, i have spoken in depth with my counseller about the safety of the dcs, and she doesnt feel there is any risk, but that his behaviour was about controlling me.
Ive always said i would never allow my dcs near any man who was a pervert,,and now i have to accept the fact that my husband is an abuser.

Mine are older so not toddlers, and i dont think he would,and if he tried he,d have a fight on his hands , but it makes me feel sick.Sureley a man whos capable of raping his wife is capable of doing the same to anyone in the right / wrong circumstances?
If my freind confided that her dh had sexually abused her i would not let him near my dcs.

Yet i allow the man who has abused me access to mine, i really struggle with this.

Lateley hes tried to initiate contact several times and has tried to be polite, this is only due to the occasion coming up .

On 1 hand id happily slit his throat, but is he worth missing special occasions for and my dcs losing out?
If i dont go i know ill regret it in the future, that i allowed him to affect me to the point i missed out..
I so want to get to the point where im no longer angry, just glad to be shot.