Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2 3

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Does your DH say romantic things to you? Mine doesn't!

54 replies

BEAUTlFUL · 05/04/2009 14:55

He was like this when we met so I know I shouldn't complain now... But DH never says romantic/mushy/affectionate stuff to me. It hit me last night because we had some friends over and the bloke said quite a few sweet things to, or about, his DW and they've been together 17 years. DH said nothing thrilling whatsoever beyond the friendly "That meal was nice" stuff.

DH does quite sweet stuff on Valentine's and my birthday, but words? Forget it.

Have spoken to him about this and his reply was, "I'm a man!" But I think, I'm a woman and I need some mushiness from him.

This is further compounded by the fact that we haven't shagged for ages, so my confidence is low anyway.

I want keen texts every so often. I want him to make me feel that he fancies me, instead of our being like flatmates. I want him go say keen things about me when we're with other people. I need these things because without them, I'm left insecure. Maybe he is doing it on purpose to keep me on my toes? Or is he just not in love with me??

What can I do? I can't talk to him about this again without looking impossibly needy, and I've had enough of being the one who says things first. I think he needs a kick up the arse, tbh. Any ideas?

Fark - forgot to namechange. Oh well!

OP posts:

Report

BonsoirAnna · 05/04/2009 15:01

Bad news that you aren't having sex. Try to seduce him!

BEAUTlFUL · 05/04/2009 15:03

Also, another annoying thing... with me, DH is ill-mannered. for example if there's just one chair, he'll sit on it without offering it to me first. That depresses me.

Last night, he took the other woman's coat and hung it up for her, all gentlemanly.

He is also quite tactless - not just with me, with everyone. But I'm not looking for a Smoothe Operator who spouts gushy nonsense while shagging 18 women behind my back. I just want him to sometimes be stricken with emotion and say something thrilling, anything.

I'm not going to leave but the thought of spending the next 50 years without ever hearing anything mushy is SO misery-inducing. He is all I've got when it comes to romance.

OP posts:

Mumcentreplus · 05/04/2009 15:05

Do YOU say mushy stuff to him?...people in relationships tend to mirror each other perhaps you could just be mushy and it may encourage him to be mushy back

BEAUTlFUL · 05/04/2009 15:05

Bonsoir, I don't have the confidence to seduce him. I feel that he sees me as a flatmate, not some sexy woman.

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 05/04/2009 15:06

My DH isn't good on the mushy stuff either - but he's there when he's needed, he's supportive and caring, helps out around the house and all that kind of thing, and I know he loves me, and all of that counts more than romantic nonsense.

Though he does sometimes buy me bunches of daffys, my favourite flowers, "just because". (Usually "just because" they're cheap, mind. )

I think I'd just get embarrassed (or suspiscious ) if he started sweet-talking...

aseriouslyblondemoment · 05/04/2009 15:07

why does this seem needy?
he's your h after all not some fella you're dating who might run off in the other direction at the merest hint of getting close

BEAUTlFUL · 05/04/2009 15:07

Mum... you see, again, I don't have the guts to do that! If I sent him a text saying "I love you", I know he'd immediately reply with "I love you too"... But why isn't he ever the one to initiate?

In the relationships I see around me, the man is the verbally affectionate one whilke the woman is secure and non-mushy. I want us to have that dynamic.

OP posts:

BEAUTlFUL · 05/04/2009 15:12

OldLady... Yes, DH is like that. But I don't feel I truly know he loves me. When I met him, I must admit his reticence intrigued & attracted me but now I find it depressing and draining.

Maybe I'm too predictable? If this were a novel, I'd get fed up, give myself a huge makeover, start going out more and doing more things, not give a shit about him, and he'd suddenly start spouting mush out of fear that I was going to leave him. Would that work IRL? And can I be bothered??!

OP posts:

BEAUTlFUL · 05/04/2009 15:12

Blondemoment... Yes! That's what I think!

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 05/04/2009 15:16

I wouldn't bother with the makeover - unless you really want to. If your DH is like mine, he won't even notice, and then you'll just get more depressed.

I think, as far as they're concerned, the mere fact they're still around (and we've been together over 25 years) shows they love us.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 05/04/2009 15:17

Oh, btw, if he takes the only seat, sit on him. If you want him to take your coat, just hand it to him. He'll get the message.

BEAUTlFUL · 05/04/2009 15:19

OldLady, you're right. I lost 3 stone a while ago (before DS2), and DH didn't react. But I think it might boost my confidence, and give him a kick up the arse if he sees other men checking me out.

How do you cope? Don't you mind??

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 05/04/2009 15:26

NO, I don't mind, I'm used to it - and I really do go when I get compliments, so we suit each other really.

As long as I can get a cuddle when I want one, that does me fine.

BEAUTlFUL · 05/04/2009 15:54

I wish I was as calm as you about it. I just look ahead and feel... like I'll be missing out on a lot of things if we stay together.

For example, I have very striking long hair. Yesterday my brother was here and said, "Your hair looks nice." Everyone comments on it, except DH who never says a word. It wouldn't take much! Just a quick text every now and again, or an "I love you" for no reason.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 05/04/2009 16:15

Tell him how you feel?

BEAUTlFUL · 05/04/2009 16:25

I have. That's when I got the "I'm a man!" response, and a bemused, head-shaky look.

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 05/04/2009 16:38

Ah, yes, of course.

Well, you could try the makeover and flirting with other men - it is a boost to the ego to know you're still attractive, but if he's like mine he probably won't notice that either. (I tell myself it's because he trusts me completely.)

Just a thought - do you ever give him random compliments? I know it's not the same if you feel you're asking for nice words (when he should just know), but it might spur a reply.

Mumcentreplus · 05/04/2009 16:51

I really think you should try to be more affectionate for a period of time and see if there are any results..they don't have to be big displays or make-overs...but I like the idea of texts...sometimes you have to be the one to initiate..or just a cuddle from behind while he's washing the dishes (if he ever does)..a proper cuddle on the sofa maybe even holding hands..bet a flatmate wouldn't do any of those!..don't act like his flatmate act like his woman!

Mumcentreplus · 05/04/2009 16:52

that was meant to be a >>>

Pruners · 05/04/2009 17:23

Message withdrawn

BEAUTlFUL · 05/04/2009 17:23

Thanks for the replies! I've been thinking about this and remembered one time when he was just perfect - affectionate, demonstrative, generous, talkative, etc. It was when we were dating and I'd not seen him for 2 weeks because I was getting a bit annoyed with him. So maybe he's just cocky? He's going to get cocky, isn't he, if I'm all, "Why don't you ever say lovely things?"

My Mum says I'm needy with him.

I think I'd do better to get a life of my own going, really. Then it wouldn't matter so much what he says, and therefore he'd probably end up saying more nice things because I'm generally happier.

Yes? Oh I just don't know. It's draining!

OP posts:

BEAUTlFUL · 05/04/2009 17:30

Thanks, pruners.

I am naturally vv complimentary with family and friends, but maybe I'm less so with DH because I'm -insanely- somewhat insecure. It's awful, but if I say to him "I love you", I'm probably really saying, inside, "Do you love me?"

Stupidly, I'm much more effusive towards people I don't like as much as DH, because I can be as I'm not so invested.

My Dad is very slow to compliment - he says nice things about me and my brother to Mum who passes them on to us - so I was probably drawn to DH because of this.

I must sound completely bonkers.

OP posts:

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Pruners · 05/04/2009 17:50

Message withdrawn

FeelingOld · 05/04/2009 18:15

I agree, try saying nice things to him and you will hopefully get a response and eventually he might start saying things first.

My DP is totally the opposite to yours, mine tells me lovely things everyday and texts me to tell me he loves me etc. But sometimes it can be a bit too much, when we are out he doesnt care who he tells that he loves me and how i make him complete and how he is nothing without me. I get embarassed sometimes when he says these things in public but am happy for him to tell me in private and i am happy to tell him in private too.

He is your husband so tell him how you feel and tell him 'i am a man' is not an excuse.
Good luck

BEAUTlFUL · 05/04/2009 19:54

But... but... FeelingOld, you didn't have to tell your DP to say nice things to you! He is just inspired to say them.

I think I'm worried that the reason he is so, so silent is that he really isn't moved to say anything emotional. Which is a bad sign, innit.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.