Custody rights of wronged man??

[UghNo]

Asking on behalf of a friend at work who is in a right mess - quick question for those bright ladies with legal knowledge or experience - what are the likely custody rights of a married bloke whose wife has had an affair? If he has an email from her to her lover stating she slept with him and is only staying with her husband for the money, would he be able to throw her out and take main custody of the child owing to her unreasonable behaviour? I know how it would work if it were a woman in his position but this isn't so straightforward. All ideas welcome - he earns more than the wife, who is a school assistant, but is in no way rich hence the fact I'm asking for help here rather than suggesting a solicitor straight away. Thanks...

[RosaLuxembourg]

Not a legal expert but as far as I know he has no more rights as the 'wronged' party than he would have otherwise. Why should he? The decision about care and control of the children should be made on what is best for them, not on which of their parents 'deserves' them more.

[StercusAccidit]

The court will look at what the child wants

Sorry but you can't use kids as punishment for misdemeanours

Its down to what is best for the child at the end of the day, as it should be.

[StercusAccidit]

x posts rosa

[solidgoldbrass]

If he's got that sort of attitude - that both wife and children are his possessions - then he's probably done enough arsy things to her for it to be no problem for her to get custody.

[controlfreakythecontrolfreak]

custody is not really the right concept these days....

as married parents both have parental responsibility (decision making power) re their dcs

the court will only make orders about dcs if it is better for the child than making no order (ie if arrangements are agreed there is no need for orders)

if orders are applied for (a residence order settles with whom a child lives, a contact order prescribes what time the child spends with the other parent) then the court's paramount consideration is the child's welfare.... ie the immoral / bad behaviour of a parent wont be a reason to say dcs should not live with them UNLESS that behaviour impacts on child welfare.... ie ability to offer secutirty / stability / promote relationship as appropriate with other parent etc.

the reason it is "usual" for mothers to have residence of their dcs where disputed is that they are more often the primary carer pre relationship breakdown.....

hth.

[flowerybeanbag]

Agree, I have no knowledge really but I would certainly hope and believe that custody decisions are made based on what situation would be best and offer most consistency/least disruption for the child rather than as punishment to who was 'wrong'.

[controlfreakythecontrolfreak]

how old are the dcs?

the older they are the more weight their own expressed wishes and feelings will have.... under about 9 their views will not carry much weight...

[beanieb]

Could he not come to some joint custody arrangement?

[UghNo]

There's only one son, aged eight... I might have put the situation badly judging from the responses. He doesn't in any way consider her his property - rather he is very hurt that not only has she gone behind his back and destroyed their marriage but she has expressed a desire to use him in the meantime then be with the OM as soon as she has completed a degree (he found her emails as she left them open by mistake). Okay it probably sounds bad to want to heave her out of the house but surely that's what a woman in his position would want to do? I'm not even sure he will as he is very confused at present.

She certainly does more childcare but only because his job is better paid as he has several degrees so it makes more sense for it to work this way... anyway I'll let him know the issue is complex so he does need to get advice asap if he decides he can't try and work it out with her.

[cheerfulvicky]

It would be much, much better for them to come to an arrangement themselves rather than going via the courts. Could they see a mediator?

Tell you friend that he needs to work out what is fair for the child and put his own personal feelings about what she has done aside. Would it be in the best interests of the child to separate him from his main carer and throw the main carer out onto the street?

[mumoverseas]

agree totally with controlfreaky who has summed it up very well. Also as cheerful says, it is better to reach an amicable agreement without the need to involve the courts. Mediation would be a very good option as hopefully they would be able to resolve matters amicably.
I appreciate it must be hard for your friend finding out about his wife's affair, however he must try to keep his feelings regarding this separate from his feelings towards her as the mother of their child, if this makes sense.

[solidgoldbrass]

Yup: his hurt feelings about her as his wife have to be separated from the fact that she is the child's mother. (And this is exactly what I would say were the genders reversed: breaching monogamy does not, in itself, make a person a bad parent.)

[Tillyscoutsmum]

I don't think it makes any difference who is the wronged party when it comes to arrangements for the children. Nor does it make any difference when it comes to the financial side of things. She will be entitled to the same amount as she would if it were him having the affair

[Haribosmummy]

I don't think any court will take into account the reason for the divorce into account.

It will look at how best the needs of the child can be met. IMHO, the court (should it end up there) is likely to award primary care to the mother and award the mother CS and maintenence where applicable.

I'm afraid when it comes to the best interests of the kids, parents (AKA Adults) need to put their own needs / wants and desires aside. That can be difficult, I appreicate, but it's true.

However hurt your friend is at his wife's behaviour, trying to take her son away from her as punishment is really not a great retaliation.

[nametaken]

He can't kick her out of the house because she had an affair.

If she assaults her dh he can call the police and have her removed and if she continually assaults him he can probably get an injunction banning her from the house.

It's the same the other way round. Otherwise there's no actual way of forcing someone to leave their home if they don't want to.

[yerblurt]

UghNo:

Can you ask your friend to get along his local branch of Families Need Fathers (FNF), website: www.fnf.org.uk

He needs quite a lot of advice quite frankly.

FNF promote shared parenting - children need both parents and there is no reason why a shared care arrangement, formalised if need be, into a shared residence order could not be arranged.

I don't think it's on for dad to say he's going to snatch/keep the kids - we must recognise that he's hurting, hurting bad as he's found out his wife has totally betrayed him and admitted she's just hanging around for as much dosh as she can.

He could petition for divorce on the grounds of adultery, if he has proof. Divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour is a possibility or could just wait for 2 years and agree for divorce with consent.

I think it would be immensely beneficial for your friend to go to Relate and also Family Mediation.

[UghNo]

Thanks all - I'll forward links to him. Cheers for all the help, you are all very knowledegeable...