Feeling lost, hurt, angry. Abusive relationship over, ex not bothered about our daughter

[birky]

Not really sure where to begin, sorry this may go on for a while.

I'm 24 years old and me and my fiance split up 4 weeks ago after 4 years together. We have a daughter aged 2. He became abusive & violent 21 months ago and since then the relationship has been on off on off. Without going into too much detail (purely for the reason that I cant sit and put it into words without breaking down) he's assaulted me twice - was cautioned once and released without charge the 2nd time. He was controlling, verbally abusive, possessive and jealous. He would go through my phone constantly, check the internet history, made me deactivate my Facebook account. I couldn't speak to friends, I couldn't go out on my own not even shopping with our daughter.

Everytime we split up, I became weaker and constantly begged him to come back which he did. It would be great for the first week or so then back to normal. We split up for 5 weeks last year and I had to move house because of the bad memories and because I didnt want him to know where I lived. He found me after driving round looking for my car. And yet I got back with him and tried to convince myself he would change.

He hasn't been the most hands on dad to our daughter, I did most things for her and bought her everything she needed. He was verbally abusive to me in front of her or in earshot and I got so concerned I spoke to my health visitor who made me realise how serious it was getting when she said social services could get involved. I spoke to him and he kicked off saying I'd gone behind his back. He also claims me and my mum have a conspiracy against him. My mum picks DD up from nursery 3 times a week and brings her home. She would ring me telling me he was slobbed out on the sofa, that he didnt pay any attention to DD when she got home and that she was beginning to get concerned about leaving DD in his sole care.

The night we split up, the police were involved for the 10th time in a year as he was being abusive and threatening so I managed to text my mum asking her to ring the police. They supervised whilst he got his things and went to his mums. I was referred to the local domestic violence unit who told me I needed an injunction. I've been told this so many times but never got anywhere with solicitors in the past then obviously fallen for his 'im sorry ive changed' speech. Luckily this time my solicitor was brilliant and on Thursday we appeared in court and I was granted a 12 month injunction so that he cant contact or communicate with me, come within 100metres of my house, be violent or threatening towards me.

Since we split up, even before the injunction, he hasnt once asked how our daugher is or requested contact with her and neither have his family. He alleged to the police last week that I was sending him abusive messages on Facebook (reactivated my account as soon as he left!) but wasn't able to show them the so called messages as there never were any. The police visited me on friday and reassured me that they are taking it seriously now ive got an injunction and that he admitted that everything in my statement for court, was true.

It has taken 21 months for the police and court to finally support and believe me. Now I finally have a barrier in place that means he cant bully me anymore but also stops me from going back if I fall weak. Its finally over. I feel so angry though. I feel nothing but hate for him, no love anymore just hate. It's finally hit home what hes done to me and put me through. I've become isolated with no confidence, no social life, not many friends and I'm an emotional wreck. Thankfully my daughter keeps me strong and happy. I work full time which is becoming difficult as I only have my mum to rely on when DD isnt in nursery. I'm looking for a new house to rent again now as I can't bear to be in this house anymore, too many bad memories. Sometimes I don't really feel anything at all, sometimes I cry and cry and somedays I'm relieved its over. I hate him for what hes done to me and the person hes turned me into. I despise the fact that DD has had to listen to him shouting at me and I'm disgusted that he can't even be bothered about his own daughter although I do feel she is better off without him.

Has anyone else been through the same or similar? When does it begin to get easier and how do you move on from an abusive relationship and rebuild your life?

[ninah]

It's over and life will start to get better, honestly. YOu have been to the very bottom and it is upwards now. But take each day at a time as you are probably still in shock with dealing with stuff you were too numb to deal with while it was still happening. This is the start of something much better. One project at a time, maybe new house first? think of the future not the past but over all live in the present. Print out your op and keep it, one day you will look back and see how far you've come, and that it's all down to you

[birky]

It's only just hit me what has actually been going on and I just feel sick. He's made my life hell and can just get on with his life and do whatever he wants with no guilt. He sat there in court like he wasn't remotely bothered. I'm trying to take it a day at a time as I'm still struggling to realise I'm not being controlled. I can now wear what I want, watch what I want on tv, take DD where I want. He isolated me so much that I've lost a lot of my friends. My work colleagues have just got sick of my moods being up and down and us breaking up and getting back together. I think some have realised since I got the injunction and are trying to be supportive but in all honesty I dont really have anyone I can talk to. I've been offered domestic violence counselling so hoping that will help. I still can't go to the local supermarkets or into town cos I'm scared of seeing him or his family or friends as they all believe he's sweet and innocent so I have to travel a bit further to go shopping.

[solidgoldbrass]

There are support groups and services for women who have got rid of abusive wankers like your XP - I think there is something called the Freedom Project or Freedom Programme which might be helpful. It is hard to get yourself together after years of brainwashing, bullying and mind control, but things will get better. You;re rid of Shitface now.

[birky]

Thanks SGB I'm gonna have a look now

[mumof2teenboys]

I couldn't let this go without a reply.

First of all, congratulations on getting away, its hard but you will not regret it in the long run.

I forced my abusive ex to leave after 7 years, he broke in and tried to kill me but the police were involved and helped(?).

For the first few weeks it was so hard, especially when the dc's asked for him, they were 5 and 3 then.

I rebuilt our lives, I got a job, found friends, fell in love, all the things he had refused to let me have.

It's been 13 years now, I have 2 fantastic kids, a partner who loves me and a life! Looking back, if you had told me that my life could be like this, I would of laughed at you.

Be strong, you have got though the hardest bit, it can only get better from here, I'm not going to say its not going to be a struggle, but its YOUR struggle. Everything you do is for you and your daughter.

Try and find out what help you are entitled to, take all the help that is offered, don't be too proud.

If you need to ,cry. If you need to, shout and scream. When you need a reason to carry on, look at your daughter and remember why you left. You did it to give you and her a better life.

Much love and strength to you at this time.

Mo xxx

[PottyCock]

Well done OP for getting rid of this pig - you've done the hardest bit already.

[ninah]

good luck!

[Sugarkane]

I have never been physically abused but I was mentally abuse for 7 years by my XP. It took all my strength to get away from him and his controlling ways. By the end of my fight I had such low self confidence had lost all my friends and felt very rocky speaking to family about what I had been through, but this has all changed now although I am not as confident as I used to be and in some ways he has changed me, I feel I am a much stronger person and in actual fact I am a better person because of how he treated me.

My advice would be to take one day at a time, if you want to cry then cry until all the tears have gone, enjoy your DD and remember that you can give her all the love she needs, neither of you need that nasty spineless man in your life. Consider doing less hours at work, if this is an option and remember to ask for help if you need it. Look to the future which is much brighter, good luck.

[mumonthenet]

you have done a fantastic job just getting out of this relationship, birky. Many women survive for years until they pluck up the courage to do what you have done.

Yes, be angry with him but be happy that you have saved your dd from a dangerous and unhealthy future.

It will get better, bit by bit. Take care, and keep posting on here. There are loads of girls who've been thru what you have.

[birky]

DD doesn't ask for him anymore, she sometimes says daddy but then says mummy afterwards. Luckily shes young enough not to remember, I did try to explain and told her daddy had gone to live with nana cos he makes mummy sad and she just cuddled me.

I truly believe she is better off without him. The judge mentioned in court about his intentions to apply for contact n he just shrugged his shoulders.

I feel so much anger for everything he's done and said to me. When dd was 5 months old I fell pregnant and we decided to have a termination. The night we split up he repeatedly called me a baby killer n laughed. I've been accused of having god knows how many affairs, even though I have no social life. I've been grabbed, spat at, pinned down by my throat and strangled. I've been called every name under the sun. Apparently I'm an unfit mother cos I'm on antidepressants yet he's the reason I'm on them

[birky]

Thanks so much for all your lovely replies. It helps knowing there are other ppl out there who I can talk to rather than just bottling it up

[mumonthenet]

god, birky, you are so lucky you are out of there.

Obviously you are still somewhat traumatised by what has happened to you - who wouldn't be? Make sure you get all the support you can in RL

[ninah]

Yes keep talking
I had one like yours tho he was pillar of community etc
was constantly being asked in to nursery about ds's behaviour, being around this definitely affects dc and yes you have SOO done the brave, right thing for them as well as you never doubt it

[birky]

His family and friends think he's wonderful and believe every single word he says. I was shocked in court as he wrote a letter to the judge saying he did not wish to contest my application for an injunction. The judge said 'i take it thats your admission that everthing in her statement is true' and he said yes. The police told me he'd also said he knows he's treated me badly but the guy can sweet talk anyone. Luckily the police have sussed him out, its taken long enough though. I'm just glad I wasn't seriously hurt or worse before they realised.

We split up once recently and he took his engagement ring off, bit it til it was squashed and laughed then threw it in the bin. I tried to grab it off him but he pushed me backwards and DD was behind me so she fell backwards. He wasn't remotely bothered and rang the police saying I punched him in the head!

[HolyGuacamole]

Wow Birky. Well done for getting rid of him! That is a great first step to your new life. It might take you a while to go thru all the feelings that have been left over from this relationship but every day is a day that takes you away from him, his control and his nastiness.

Take the time to work thru your feelings, accept that it it ok to have some bad days but most of all, do the things that are going to pave the way for your future happiness. You have made a very brave and lucky escape from this man and that in itself is hugely positive.

Well done and good luck for a prosperous and happy future for you and your daughter Bugger everyone else, now it is time for you to make your life the way that you want it one day at a time!

[birky]

Feeling a bit brighter and a little more positive from all your messages.

Thank you

For anyone out there is going through the same or similar, please please get out of it. It really is not worth it in the long run

[twigsblankets]

I am going through something similar, and I have a great friend who has bumped my self esteem up, and after going through it herself, she said one thing to me that has really helped.

Take one day at a time.
Don't think about what yr going to do on Tuesday. Just think what yr going to do tomorrow.

Soon a year will have passed, and you will feel sooooooooo different, and you'll be glad you got rid of him.

[Unlikelyamazonian]

Crikey birky well done girl for getting rid of the arse and for going through court. He sounds almost proud of being such a wanker...in 'confessing' to his abuse of you.

Your dd probably is indeed better off without him. You will be fine. Your life can only get better now. You can wear pink feather boas and dance around your living room. Or just a pair of primark slouchies and eat bananas all day. Relish your freedom. These wankers are cowards.

Well done and lots of hugs to you and your little family. x

[birky]

Have applied for a new house to rent today, its gorgeous just keeping fingers crossed that I got accepted then should be moving in about 3 weeks.

Will be so glad to get away from the bad memories in this house

[Sugarkane]

Great news Birky will keep my fingers crossed for you, seems u r making all the right steps at the min well done.