I think my friends DD is a bad influence.......

[npg1]

I love my friend, probably my best friend but her DD can be awful sometimes. I have a dd the same age as her (6yrs old). They live just down the road from me so nice and handy if we pop round each others for coffee or roast etc. The girls go to different schools though and we have very different views on life.

Her DD, who i will call x is rude to most people, has bad table manners, the list goes on. Im not saying my DD is perfect, far from but she gets punished for being rude to me (for instance today i took her DS away from her for being rude.) x doesnt seem to get punished and today sat at the dinner with elbows on table being rude. My DD then thinks she can behave like this, which obviuosly she cant.

My DD doesnt really like seeing her as she can be very bitchy towards DD and often says hurtful things to my DD. Her mum has been called in to school because X has been bullying.

Tonight when we left, me and her mum where talking and I laughed at something and x said 'oh just shhhh Nikki' and ran into the house, I was shocked and her mum just said 'oh i'll see you later'!

I dont know what to do as I dont really want DD to mix with her but how do i explain to my friend? There have been so many things in the past that have happened and i am not sure this is affecting the way my DD is behaving. Any advice please? Thanks and sorry to rant!

[HopelessRomantic]

I had this with my SIL's son. He is rude, cheeky, aggressive ... and they all just find him funny.

One example was when I went around to take his birthday present and he stood at the door and said "oh! what YOU come for??"

I don't like my kids near him but I don't have any advice I'm afraid. I do understand though.

[npg1]

Oh dear, sounds similar.

I dont think anyone find her funny, even her mum is shocked but i think mum doesnt say anything because she is embarrased most of the time. my DD thinks she is very rude.

Maybe im just to hard on my girls, but i like to think at least they behave much better than this!

[twigsblankets]

I hope I don't come across as judgemental here but why would you want to be friends with someone who allows their daughter to speak to you so rudely, and who you feel you cannot tackle about this?

I understand if you tackled her it probably wouldn't make any difference, because she doesn't, for whatever reason, want to discipline her DD.

Or is it possible you could see this friend when yr DD's are at school or evenings?
I wouldn't want to be conveying the message through my actions (continuing to visit with DD) that the friends DD's behaviour was ok.

Personally, I had a friend like that who's DD has now grown up, and she has only got worse. Friend is treated like crap now, and still puts up with it.

Prepares to be flamed

[npg1]

Hi. Thanks twigs! You said exactly how I feel.

The mum is a good friend but in a way everything has to be her way or she gets the hump, if im late for something I know she gets the hump etc etc and I worry about upsetting her. Part of me cant believe she let her DD speak to me like that and I was kind of expecting a call when i got home apologising, but nothing so far.

She does try and discipline her DD but its just very different to how I discipline my DD's but the problem is her dd doesnt really listen to her.

She works during the day so cant really see her and i also feel like I should explain that my DD doesnt want to play with her DD anymore for various reasons. The mum also complains that x hasnt been invited to a party for ages, doesnt get invited to friends for tea, has in the past been rude to another adult, the list goes on.

She was also playing with my DD's DS game and now it has got lost in my house somewhere and I cant find it. Im not sure if x has put it somewhere to be 'funny' or has stolen it and taken it home. The mum has searched but cant find it so chances are it's here somewhere but one of them has misplaced it and im cross.

My DD knows this behaviour isnt right and yes x is getting worse as she is getting older.

Maybe I have to be honest with my friend and tell her but I really dont like upsetting people.

Thanks.

[twigsblankets]

PS: I also classed my friend as a really good friend, but as time went on, I realised how unfair it was to be sending mixed messages to my own DC.

On the one hand, I would say it was rude and unacceptable behaviour to my DC, but then i would be popping back round for coffee.

My friend was the gentlest kindest person, but she was walked all over by her DD. I grew to dislike her DD intensely even though it was her mother's fault she was like that in the first place, and I found that I didn't actually want to see my friend when her DD was there.

That solved the problem for a while.

[npg1]

yes thats my problem, its all very easy to pop round when im feeling bored or OH not around.

I have grown to dislike her DD to but how do i explain this to my friend?!

I try and have a few weeks break from them but the next time we see them it doesnt make any difference.

[twigsblankets]

From personal experience, I think she will be upset if you tell her the truth. tbh, I think she deserves the truth. It may hopefully propel her into doing something about the situation now, but if her DD being left out of party invites, and being rude to her mum's friends, as well as someone else also commenting on her DD's rudeness isn't enough to goad her into action, then I'm afraid nothing probably will.

If it was me, I'd want to distance myself from her. IMHO, it will probably get worse, her DD's behaviour will get worse, and be better to get out now than let it linger for a few more years.

[twigsblankets]

npg1, I feel for you, I really do, because I was exactly the same.
I liked to go over when I was bored (which was quite often some weeks , or when my DP was out.

At first, when the little girl was little, she was bearable tbh. Quite the attention seeker and quite bratty, but ok. Her mum had a DP at the time, but doted on her DD so much, that she didnt seem able to see the bad behaviour for what it was. She would do anything for her DD, if it was in her power.

Now the DD is a fully grown adult, she is unbearable. She has no friends, no social life, no b/f, she clicks her fingers at her mother, makes incessant demands on her mother, and tells her mother that she wishes she was dead, and that if she died, DD says she would laugh.

She pokes her mum and does nothing for her mum at all. She wont even reach for a glass of drink, her mother has to put it in her hand.
She will not get herself a drink or a snack, she resents her mother and disrespects her constantly.
It didnt start off like this, but over time, because her mum didn't expect any respect from her daughter for herself or anyone else, the DD has grown into a horrible young woman.
I'm so pleased I distanced myself from her, because my friends DD now has no friends, and as such is always asking after my DC, yet they are not interested and avoid her like the plague and because they haven't been friendly with her for so long, she is quite happy to accept that they are busy.

It may not be the same with yr friend, but believe me, it started off the same way.

After all that rambling of mine, can you not say to yr friend's DD 'Don't be rude to me please.'
What would yr friend say if you took charge like that?