Not sure I can cope with stubborn husband any more....MASSIVE row about a nosebleed FFS!

[FluffyHamster]

we had a MASSIVE row today about a friggin' NOSEBLEED of all things!

DS (6) has had a few recently, and last time he had one I saw DH getting him to tilt his head back.Ds was getting all panicky about the blood running down his throat, so I stepped in and told DH that this wasn't how you handle nosebleeds - should be head tilted forwards to let blood run out etc so child doesn't vomit. Anyway he went all huffy on that occasion, saying that was what he'd always done/ hadn't harmed him etc etc.

Thing is I work in health (although not a nurse etc) and I have done first aid courses etc, so it's not as if I don't have some reason to know what I'm talking about.

Later on I showed DH our children's first aid book, saying 'look - things have changed, and this is now the recommended way to handle nosebleeds, OK'.

Then today DS has another one, and I find DH with him HOLDING HIS HEAD BACK again, with DS getting increasingly hysterical about the blood in his throat etc.

I just lost it with DH. WHY would he do this, when we'd had a conversation about ti previously. He just kept saying 'well there's more than one way to do things'/ 'it's what my mother always did'.../ 'never did me any harm'/ it's what I've always done, and it works etc etc.

He simply WOULD NOT accept and acknowledge that I might know better than him on this one. It's like he COULDN'T acknowledge that he might be 'wrong' or at least out-of-date.

I simply cannot understand why he would be so stubborn about something affecting DS's health (albeit in a minor way on this occasion).

When I took over he then started making snide comments about 'oh yes, you've got to do it Mummy's way, I'm afraid DS....'

When I asked him why he'd done the same thing as last time, even after we'd talked about it, he just kept saying 'there was no evidence it was better' and I needed to prove it.

I can't believe how angry this has made me. It's a petty example, but similar to a whole load of similar examples -

• he really is a stubborn prat
• he will not accept that I am ever correct about anything
• once he's 'made his point' he will NEVER step back and say 'OK, maybe I was wrong'.

I feel like leaving him tonight

[Nabster]

Things change, It used to be thought that you should butter on burns.

Tell him he is out of order to say stuff to the child about you and seemily to put you down.

[Lulumama]

i thought that advice re nosebleeds was always head down ?

i thikn this is about omre than a nosebleed , but about the way you two can or can;t communicate

the snideyness is not nice, but it might be defensiveness

there are obviously deeper issues or you would not be considering leaving him

[FluffyHamster]

No - I'm not really considering leaving him, but I'm not willing to have him undermine me like this either.
He simply WILL NOT listen if I raise this with him.

[Lulumama]

can you make a time to talk, when you are not both cross and angry with each other? and both talk and listen to each others POV?

[fatzak]

Know how you feel Fluffy - some days it seems that DH questions/disagrees/argues with every point I make And as you say, will never accept that he is wrong.

[ingles2]

welll....tbh hamster, you sound just as stubborn from this OP.
Yes, you are right, but having his head tipped back is the way nosebleeds have been dealt with for years and your dh is right, it's not going to kill him.
I imagine your dh doesn't want to be told, like a child, how to do things.
It's difficult because obviously your problems are not just about this one incident and I'm sure your dh can be a stubborn prat [like most men
But can I just suggest you take a good look at your own behaviour at the same time. It can be really easy to slip into a stubborn mother who know best,when it comes to parenting. I know I was a nightmare at telling dh the best way to do things and he didn't take it kindly.

[ingles2]

welll....tbh hamster, you sound just as stubborn from this OP.
Yes, you are right, but having his head tipped back is the way nosebleeds have been dealt with for years and your dh is right, it's not going to kill him.
I imagine your dh doesn't want to be told, like a child, how to do things.
It's difficult because obviously your problems are not just about this one incident and I'm sure your dh can be a stubborn prat [like most men
But can I just suggest you take a good look at your own behaviour at the same time. It can be really easy to slip into a stubborn mother who know best,when it comes to parenting. I know I was a nightmare at telling dh the best way to do things and he didn't take it kindly.

[ingles2]

sorry stupid laptop

[throckenholt]

show him these :

www.indianexpress.com/news/tilt-your-head-back-to-treat-a-nosebleed/304808/

ev erything2.com/title/nosebleed

health.yahoo.com/emergency-overview/stopping-a-nosebleed/hea lthwise--sig56332spec.html

many many adults get it wrong because we remember tilting heads back - you only learn different when you do a first aid course. A Bit like tourniquets and how to treat burns - there newer better methods for them all now. Nothing wrong in admitting you didn't know that - parenting is a learning process for everyone - the only wrong thing is not being happily to learn from your mistakes.

[edam]

Difference between hamster and her dh is that she is right and has reason to be right. Why can't her dh acknowledge that she works in health and has been on first aid courses so may, just possibly, know a tiny bit more than him about dealing with nosebleeds?

I had a similar conversation with dh once - I remember being told to put my head back and was doing the same with ds. Dh explained it was wrong and why it was wrong (he's a first aider). I said, oh, didn't realise. Didn't see any reason to persist when I was clearly wrong.

[throckenholt]

but admit that you didn't know that either until you did the first aid course - and don't make a big deal of it.

Just say you think DS is scared by nosebleeds (I know mine is) and the feel of the blood tricking down his throat is maybe scaring him more.

[FluffyHamster]

Yes - I know I sound quite stubborn about this too

I think the thing that really got my back up was:

• this was the second time - we'd had the 'this is the new thinking' discussion last time, and I assumed we'd 'moved forward'
• the only possible reason for DH to ccontinue doing it 'his' way is sheer bloodimindedness, and an inability to admit that he was 'wrong' / 'out of date' whatever
• DS was clearly getting more and more upset, and clearly DH's own stubborn approach was letting him put his own 'needs' before a 6-year-olds..

I know I sound like I am ranting, but I guess this is just one in a whole long series of 'events' where DH has done something and then lied/ denied/ covered up/ refused to accept responsibility when confronted with 'evidence', so e.g.

• says he will do something, then claims no knowledge/ accuses me of 'making stuff up' (despite me & two DCs witnessing, and on one occasion him texting me about something... on that occasion he claimed I had sent the text to his phone to make him look stupid WTF?)
• Times when he has been simply wrong about a start time for an event etc and then tried to blame it on other people/ dodgey e-mails etc
• me commenting on things we've already discussed, and then him flying into a rage, saying we have NOT discussed it (and this isn't in passing - I'm talking lengthy discussions here...

If he would just accept some of these things I wouldn't care, but he always FIGHTS and tries to blame me or the kids.
I can't think of a time when he has every said 'sorry' or 'I made a mistake'

After a while it just wears you down

[twinsetandpearls]

Both dp and I are stubborn beyond belief and it was a huge factor in us coming close to splitting up last year.

I have just realised that he needs to be right sometimes, he had a crap childhood and very little confidence. He has a bit if a complex about my education and therefore feels the need to be right. If I know I am right I am just content with that knowledge myself and let him think he is. He will often come back now and say actually I was wrong.

[ingles2]

Ah. am sorry to hear you feel like that hamster.
Your DH sounds like my dad. He could never ever possibly be wrong. And tbh he hasn't improved over the years but I think that might be because my mum didn't stand up to him at all, so you are probably doing the right thing.
Have you tried sitting down and really talking about this?
What do you do/say when he lies/refuses to admit?

[DeeBlindMice]

More worrying than his ability to admit he is wrong when he is (which is a very unappealing quality in anyone) is the fact that he would insist on doing "his way", knowing that was no longer advised, even when it was causing significant distress to his son.

Add to that the fact that he is prepared to undermine you in front of your children and I think you're talking about a pretty big problem and I don't blame you for ranting as it sounds like it might be your only outlet for (very understandable) frustration.

You say he won't talk about it. Well this needs to be discussed. At least by you. Could you suggest relationship counselling and then just go alone, presuming he refuses.

You need to figure out for yourself how and if to deal with someone who is so difficult to communicate with. Also if he regularly lies to you, your relationships is probably in a lot of trouble.

[DeeBlindMice]

inability doh

[FluffyHamster]

Ingles - when stuff first comes up I usually just say, 'er, no, I thought we agreed this/ discussed this'
then he says 'no we didn't'/ 'I would have remembered/ here YOU go again etc

Understandably I try to defend my POV if I know I am 'right' (as in this example re nosebleeds)

He then quite often starts getting irritated and says things like 'stop ranting woman' 'I don't see why it matters' 'listen to yourself, you sound like a fish wife' .

Thing is, it could so easily be diffused if he would just say, "I'm not sure, did I really say that?" ot soemthing, but he WON'T.

I've even tried to point this out to him, and he says, "why should I, when I know I'm right?" Sometimes I really wonder of he has memory lapse, or REALLY thinks he is right about stuff.

But it's the agressive nature of the arguing that's wearing.

Another example, last week.... DS2 had been ill - high temperature - and was waking in the night etc. DH & I had been taking turns at getting up to him.
I gave DS2 Calprufen at bedtime and came downstairs and said to DH "I've given DS2 Calprofen, so if you get up to him in the night be sure to give him Calpol as he's had his max of calprofen today@ "OK" says DH "Where's the Calpol?"
"I'm not sure" I say "you'll need to check".

DS2 wakes up overnight and DH gets up to him and gives him medicine.

In the morning I find the used spoon and bottle of Calprofen in the bathroom whilst the Calpol is downstairs in the kitchen (unused).

me: "Did you realise you gave DS2 another dose of Calprofen last night"
DH: "I gave him what you told me to "
Me: "Calpol?"
DH: "whatever was in the bathroom"
me: "Er no, I said you needed to use the Calpol

DH : "Well, then it's your fault, you shouldn't have left the Calprofen in the bathroom.."

Me: "I didn't - it's always there - it belongs in the bathroom cabinet"

DH: "You should have left the other stuff out. Don't blame me, it's your fault"

Anyway, you didn't tell me to give Calpol, you said to give what what in the bathroom.."

Me: (incredulous) "No I didn't - I never said anything like that, I said you needed to make sure it was Calpol"

And so on.

And he would not accept that he had made a mistake and had effectively overdosed DS2...

Sometimes I think about this and think about people who talk about their husbands being manipulative by compulsively lying and convincing others that they are at fault instead .

I have no idea how to begin to talk to someone who is like this - I just can't see him accepting any suggestion that there is any issue on his side - he will just try to deflect it all.

Twinset - how did you get through it?

[ingles2]

ummm. he sounds like a bully hamster.
Have you considered counselling? Please try and sort this out sooner rather than later. I don't want to worry you, but one of my bf's has a dh like this and she's had all the fight beaten out of her (not literally, but ykwim)

[ingles2]

ummm. he sounds like a bully hamster.
Have you considered counselling? Please try and sort this out sooner rather than later. I don't want to worry you, but one of my bf's has a dh like this and she's had all the fight beaten out of her (not literally, but ykwim)

[ingles2]

still on the stupid laptop

[DeeBlindMice]

God he sounds appalling. You could be onto something with the memory issues. Although even that doesn't explain why he is such an asshole.

[mistlethrush]

If he was trying to be a partner he would be aware of the fact that he is always on insisting that he is right - and back off. He would also not be undermining you in front of your child. And he certainly wouldn't be upsetting a 6yo just because he's not willing to back down from his intransigent position.

He is a bully.

I don't know how you can get round that - there must be some poeple that can help you - and there might be some books.

But its going to be really difficult if he doesn't accept that a) he's a bully or b) there's a problem.

[twinsetandpearls]

fluffy we have beenin counselling for ages and still are. It took dp a long time to admit that he had been acting in a rather bullying manner towards me and that I had allowed it to happen. My dp does sound evry much like your husband.

Through counselling we had come to realise that our relationship had become a battleground with both of us refusing to ever give ground.

Dp lacks confidence and has not had some of the chances in life that I have maanged to make for myself. He feels inferior in terms of education and that made him want to be right all the time as if he had something to prove. I am quite a dominating person and have recognised that.

I have learnt to only insist I am right if something matters, we have too much that is good between us to let petty squabbles get in the way. Dp is still crap at admitting he is in the wrong, and it does tend to me that gives way but I dont really care.

[twinsetandpearls]

But he would not undermine me in front of dd, not anymore anyway/

[mistlethrush]

Twinset - how did you convince your dh to go to counselling in the first place? From what Hamster has been saying, I can't imagine that her dh will even consider that there is something that he needs to go to a counsellor for.