Anyone saved a relationship from this...

[ThirtyOneGoingonFifteen]

Hi!

Ok, I'm just wondering if anyone has gone through feelings this strong about their OH, and managed to get their relationship back on track. I'll just list how I'm feeling...!

1. Don't respect my OH intellectually. He's a wonderful, caring and loyal person, but he doesn't stimulate me intellectually. This is very important for me - I want to be with someone who can teach me things and interest me.
2. Everything he says and does irritates me.
3. I no longer find him attractive and actually can't bear to be touched by him.
4. If I think back to how we were at the start of our relationship, I don't even think getting back to those feelings would solve the problems. I think I'm a different person and it just wouldn't be enough for me now.
5. I don't even find him funny anymore
6. I'm completely ok with the thought of life without him, excited even.
7. I'm completely ok with the thought of him finding someone else.

This all sounds very harsh, but I'm just stating things as they are. I hope I don't come across as cold and cruel, it's just that I feel no warmth for him at the moment I want to try to fix things, but have no enthusiasm as I'm not sure that he's enough for me anymore.

Let me just say, he's really done nothing wrong - on paper he's a wonderful husband and father. But I don't feel any connection with him anymore.

Thanks!

[Nabster]

How does he feel?

Is he aware of things changing?

Have you talked to him about it?

[Galava]

Oh dear !

[fartmeistergeneral]

How long have you been together? Has anything sparked this off? New baby?

[ThirtyOneGoingonFifteen]

FioFio - I'm really not sure if it's temporary. I feel so negative about the relationship that I can't see a way through it all.

Nabster - yes it's all come out in the last month or so. We've had many talks about it. He still loves me and is desperate for it to work. But it seems like nothing he does makes me feel better about him.

[traceybath]

I'd say its unlikely to recover from all of those things you feel are wrong. How long have you felt like this?

[Twinklenips]

I could've written the exact thing. Sorry I can't help, but I'll watch with interest.

[Nabster]

What do you really want to do?

[ThirtyOneGoingonFifteen]

We've been together 7 years. We have a two year old son. Admittedly since we've had him things have got worse. I don't feel that we work together well as parents at all. I think in stressful situations we withdraw from each other and snap at each other rather than working as a team.

Also he's not a particularly confident parent and I guess this hasn't helped my respect for him. I'm not saying that I'm perfect at all, far from it! It's just that I'd like to feel we're equals in this relationship and could feel I can lean on him when I need to.

[HappyWoman]

you also do need to be a bit more specific - it sounds as if there is not a lot to work on actually. Are there any things he does/does not do that he could change to make you see him differently?

You could be describing any number of men i know - caring husband and father tbh. And i certainly would not want to be married to them.

Is it just about him or is there a gerneral change in other areas of your life.

It could be that you are seeing everything differently at the moment due to something like depression or the like.

[ThirtyOneGoingonFifteen]

I think I've felt like this unconciously for years, but I've only just recently worked it out.

Right now, I really want to be on my own (with my son of course), but at the same time I know I'll regret it if I look back and realise I didn't give it a chance. My problem is I've no idea how to go about fixing it!

[RaspberryBlower]

Because the intellectual stimulation thing was at the top of your list, I'm wondering if you need to find a way to work on this yourself.

You don't need to rely on a partner for interest/challenge in your life.

[ThirtyOneGoingonFifteen]

I compare our relationship to that of my brother's and other friends, and I see a mutual respect and teamwork, that we don't have.

HappyWoman - I think he'd have to be a totally different person to be honest ... have more enthusiasm for life, more self-confidence, more interests. For example, if we're looking to go on holiday, he's quite happy to go wherever I want to go. He generally doesn't have an opinion. I don't want to feel like I'm leading him through life like this.

I have been depressed recently, but I've come out of it now. As a result, I'm more confident than I've ever been, and determined to make the most of my life.

[Jazzicatz]

No-one can be responsible for making you feel happy and contented, that has to come from you. Maybe if you felt more stimulated you may not feel so angry and resentful toward you husband!

[ThirtyOneGoingonFifteen]

Dittany,

I don't feel angry with him. I don't blame him really. I blame myself more for not realising I'd end up feeling like this.

I think I'm irritated and turned off by him because I see him as my second child, needing to be looked after and cheered up all the time.

[stuffitllama]

I would say, if you have a child then you start from the premise that you will stay together and then think about what you need to do to make it work. Don't set a deadline to be met or criteria to be fulfilled.

It doesn't mean you WILL stay together. It will mean the best chance of finding something positive in your situation.

You should start by listing all the good things about him instead of all the bad things about your relationship. Love can regenerate but not if you are not looking for it.

Ahem I am a bit old fashioned by the way. All the best whatever you choose.

[OhBling]

you say he wants to make it work, have you explained that you feel you have a parent/child relationship and you want to fix it. DH and I had this on a much much smaller scale when we first moved in together - i got frustrated because while he'd help if I asked him, he didn't take responsibility for things from cleaning to holiday planning. But once he understood I needed him to be an equal partner, he stepped up and we've never looked back.

If you want to make it work and you think he's a good man and he wants to make it work, I think this is where the old cliche of counselling might be the way forward. You can't get rid of the negatives until a) you remember what it is about him that you do like/love and b) you both address what behaviour patterns can be changed but you/him/the partnership.