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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Please help, what do you think?

12 replies

amIoutofmymind · 02/03/2009 23:25

Have name-changed for this, although am not a mum, but a fairly regular poster.

Have been with my partner for four years. We met, and I have to say sparks didn't fly for me. He was lovely though, sweet and kind. The first time the opportunity for sex came up he said he was too drunk. I remember once I was giving him a BJ and he stopped me mid-way through, saying he felt uncomfortable.

To cut a long story short, we have been together for four years and had sex approximately 4 times. After a string of bad relationships with 'bad men', I thought this was something I could build on with my current partner, and sex and attraction would come with time. This hasn't happenend, and over time I'd convinced myself that this is only part of a relationship. He provides me with affection, security and steadiness.

We recently went on a skiing trip with six others. I ended up spending a lot of time skiing with another guy and we got on really well. Nothing happened and he lives in another country so that isn't a factor in itself. There were sparks though, and the point is it awoke feelings of passion and desire in me that I'd squashed down for over a year now and that I now acknowledge I'll never feel for my current partner.

We've been so long without sex in our relationship that the thought of doing so makes me feel slightly squeamish. We feel more like flatmates than partners in love.

This isn't good is it?

Since returning from our trip, I've been researching flat lettings.

I know this will break his heart. Sex has been a deep-routed issue for him for a long time. Trouble is, I can't imagine having sex with him now. With the guy I met on the trip, I was having fantasies every other minute .

Is the lack of attraction a barmy reason to break up a relationship? With my passion reignited, I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with someone I'm not attracted to. I can't see how this will change as I do see him now as a friend and nothing more.

Don't get me wrong, he's lovely and kind, but is this enough? I'm not sure it is...

Any thoughts gratefully received - my head is spinning with all these thoughts

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HolyGuacamole · 02/03/2009 23:28

Do you know what your DHs issues are regarding sex? Has he ever spoken to anyone about it?

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eviz · 02/03/2009 23:30

I couldn't live without sex. It was always an issue in your relationship - you've tried to live with it as 'normal', but now meeting this other chap you've realised it's actually normal to have passionate feelings - and you are human!

You have tried to make things work - I don't think anyone would think any the less of you for walking away..

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amIoutofmymind · 02/03/2009 23:32

Hi Holy

He's got issues about it that date back long before I met him. He says it relates to insecurities about not knowing what to do. For over a year, he said a rash prevented from going near me (he even suggested it was me that had given it to him).

I never saw the rash but said nothing to contradict what he told me.

I talked to him last year and suggested we contact Relate to sort out our issues. I said I'd be happy to go along, but he needed to sort out the meeting. He never did so and we coasted along for another year.

When I look at him now, I don't see a man who's attractive. I see a friend who lives with me. I don't know whether I can (or want to) change that...

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amIoutofmymind · 02/03/2009 23:34

Thanks Eviz,
I feel like a total bitch for thinking like this. He's a lovely bloke and he'll be devastated as I know he loves me, but this week has shown me what I'm trying to squash down.

The only outcome I can predict is that one day I meet someone who doesn't live in another country and I'll be playing away, I can guarantee it...and that's far worse

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PlumpRumpSoggyBaps · 02/03/2009 23:45

Don't be too hard on yourself. Whatever your dp's issues with sex are, it doesn't matter. You have fallen out of love with him and that's just something that happens.

Yes, he will be upset. But that's no reason to stay with someone you don't love. It might be different if this had been a glitch in an otherwise wonderful relationship. It might even be different if you had children. But as it stands, you shouldn't beat yourself up. It's possible that he will use your breakup as a spur to get some help and then move on to a better relationship.

FWIW I think you are absolutely doing the right thing.

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HolyGuacamole · 02/03/2009 23:48

Yes, agree with plumprump, great post!

I guess I was just wondering if there was any way back for you if he confronted his issues and if he'd tried in the past to fix it.

Don't feel bad, you're doing the right thing.

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amIoutofmymind · 02/03/2009 23:49

Thank you plumprump

I seem to spend my life worrying about upsetting people so as you can imagine, this is a big issue for me.

The thing is I don't think I was ever in love with him in terms of attraction. I love him for his kindness and hoped that the attraction and passionate love would follow.

This isn't going to happen, at least I think it's not, and I'm 36 and would prefer to live alone with the hope that this might happen one day, than living the rest of my life with someone I'm pretty sure it will never happen with.

He's such a good friend, and I'd love to say friends, but am pretty sure this will be the end of the whole lot.

We co-own a house. What this is going to involve in terms of separating ourselves, is going to be a total nightmare. Please can someone tell me that it will be worth it?

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PlumpRumpSoggyBaps · 03/03/2009 00:03

Yes, definitely worth it, especially as you have just said you'd prefer to be alone than stay.

I'm really pleased that you said that, BTW, as it seems to show that your previous issues with men have been very firmly put away.

IMO you are now in the best place, emotionally, to find what you're looking for. Just keep hold of that thought when the going gets rough.

Now I must away to my bed. Good luck with everything. It'll be worth it.

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amIoutofmymind · 03/03/2009 00:05

Thank you - sleep well

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jasper · 03/03/2009 00:15

the only thing that makes the relationship with a partner/ husband different from all your other relationships IS sex/attraction.

If you don't have that he is just another (very good )friend.

if he cant see that I think he is deluding himself

good luck

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SerendipitousHarlot · 03/03/2009 00:34

I'm having a bit of a blip with the old sex life myself atm - but if th 'spark' has never been there, I think it's highly doubtful that it'll be around the corner.

Meeting this other man has proved that you have desire. You NEED that in your relationsip.

Good luck.

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amIoutofmymind · 03/03/2009 00:47

Thanks all. The 'spark' has never been there, but I never counted on him being scared of being with someone. I haven't got the courage or attraction to him to bring us both through this...and it makes me feel crap....

Do you know what - even if I never meet anyone else - I'll devote all myself to my life and I'll require the same from any new partner.

Since we got back from skiing I'm sure he's sensed my angst. When he got back from work he 'rubbed' his legs up and down mine and I felt a bit queasy. I want to cry I feel so mean, but if that was an overture, I'm not getting it... this is so fucked up...