I feel like my eldest child hasn't had the same upbringing as my younger ones

[ThatShittySmell]

My daughter is now 26 and lives alone. She is from a previous marriage and when she was growing up we never had money to put away for savings or anything like so she got nothing when she turned 18.

It has been totally different for the younger ones. They all have savings accounts, more than one as their grandparents have done them one too. When they turn 18 they will have £thousands to set them up.

Has anyone else had this happen before?

[Sixer]

I had nothing! had too work for it if I wanted something. meanwhile friends were given driving lessons, cars, savings plans that were due bladiblinkin bla spoilt brats! I was always told by my parents that they had to work hard if they needed something. I have lived that way too. I appreciate everything, not that I have much, that I have. It's mine, that I have worked for.

[juneybean]

I agree with sixer, I too worked hard for my own savings, I think your eldest daughter will now know the value of money

[JJsandcat]

When I was in Primary school there was a girl in my class who had nothing. The Mum and step dad had just moved to our village from the former East Block. Her older sister and her would live off a yoghurt or breadroll with jam a day, I'd frequently ask her to come over and have lunch in our home because I could see she was hungry and I felt sorry.

Anyway, the parents had a new baby. Now, when I return to my parents this girl who's a good 10 years younger has everything and more you could want for. Nice house, holidays abroad, school excursions paid for, tennis, gym, etc. Her own car, hair and nails done, smoking, eating out, drinking, all that money at her disposal, etc.

Both elder sisters married very young and moved out as soon as they finished their A-Levels. It makes me so to see that clearly there was a huge difference in upbringing. I mean, her Mum got married fairly soon again, and the kids had a step dad again..the sad thing is, that he only shelled out the dosh for his own flesh and blood and the girls from a previous marriage had to go hungry while their little sister was being spoiled. At least they had each other, your dd is all alone.

Maybe you could persuade your husband to gift your older dd whatever you are allowed tax free to invest in a house or flat of her own, give her a leg up. As a mum myself I'd never stand by and let one of my kids miss out, you could still make up for it now, maybe treat her to a nice lunch and ask her how she feels about it. A willingness to listen would go a LONG way I suppose.

[EachPeachPearMum]

What is the age gap? was she already 18 when younger ones born? Not sure why you would have started saving for little ones but nit her if she had still ben at home tbh.

Perhaps my view is very skewed- I am oldest of 4, the younger 2 had a very different upbringing from us older 2.... none of us started with much money though.

[EachPeachPearMum]

sorry- 1 handed bfing typing.

[springlamb]

I am the youngest of 5 daughters. Elder ones were 17 and 16 when I was born. Mum & Dad's lives changed a lot in the years between them being small and my being born and I had loads of opportunities they never had.
They were dirt poor (once burned old shoes on fire as couldn't afford coal, sausages for Xmas dinner). I lived a very different life but I truly don't think they begrudged me a bit. They have always been very supportive. Mind you, we've talked a lot about the differences and why, I know a lot of the history and I don't think they feel any differently towards me than towards each other. (Apart from occasional teasing.)
However, it's easier because there are no step parents involved of course.
I would try to help your daughter out as much as you and your husband are able but more than that be open with your daughter about how you feel.

[violethill]

Your own experience is perhaps more extreme than most people's, because your eldest was from another relationship, and your financial circumstances sound very different....

BUT...

I think it's worth remembering that NONE of our children have exactly the same experience as each other, and probably the difference between first and subsequent children is more marked. We are all feeling our way with the first child, there must be so many occasions when we get it wrong (or think we get it wrong - there's often no right or wrong tbh in parenting!). Also, our first child is the only one who knows what it is like to be the 'only' child, albeit for a limited time, which makes their experience different.

I used to feel slightly guilty because my eldest child didn't go to the fantastic nursery that my younger two benefited from, because day nurseries were far less common when she was born, and this nursery hadn't opened. There's not a huge gap between my kids, btw, but those few years seemed to be pivotal in terms of advances in childcare. My eldest went to a CM when I returned to work, whereas dc 2 and 3 went to the nursery, which I preferred. I also returned to work when my eldest was 3 months (maximum paid ML in those days) whereas I took more time off with the others.

However... is there any long term difference in how my children are turning out? No.

I think as parents we need to accept that our children will all experience their childhood differently, and we need to not beat ourselves up about it!

[AllThreeWays]

I was in high school when interest rates here got to 16%, and so missed out on a lot that my younger sister got four years later. I didn't really bother me at the time. An doesn't bother me at all now.

I think it is more important that children benefit form what you have "at the time" equally. In other words can you afford to share your wealth(sic) now with your eldest. Help here out with great birthday presents, take her out for lunch. Help her with uni, accommodation, furniture costs??

[pagwatch]

I think children experiences will all differ to some degree won't they? I listen to my sisters talking and i don't really recognise the life they had as the two eldest sisters, to the one I had as the near youngest of eight.
My DS1 is ten years older than DD and their experiences are very different. DS1 grew up with us changing homes to follow ASD provision for his brother - living in crappy houses, going to three different schools in three years and getting the scant attention of two parents out of their minds with worry and grief.
Dd is living a hugely priveledged life in a mahoosive house with all my attention and life on a plate.
I worry way more about her than I do about her big brother who is sensible, kind, considerate and massively grateful for everything we now have.
DD is probably going to have to be beaten with a big stick to sort her out at some stage

Everything on a plate is a hard start in life to overcome IMHO

[Maveta]

It would probably help both of you to have an open chat about it and see how she feels. She might be fine with it. Of course if you are in a position to try and help her out with anything I am sure that would be appreciated too.

There is almost 10 yrs between my older and younger sister and 7 between me and the ´baby´. We often feel like we had different upbringings, older sister and I moved a lot with my parents and lived in many different countries. Materially always fine, never loaded, rarely badly off. We were not as materially spoiled as my younger sister who had her own pony and both of my parents ferrying her to and from her (many) activities. She had her own stereo/tv/dvd/cable in her room from young teen years which we never had. My folks supported her through uni, I still have student loan debts.

I won´t deny I have had moments of envy and feeling it´s not fair but then I think of the flip side - the parents I had where happier and younger. By the time my sister was entering her teen years my dad was seriously ill and my mum depressed. She was a pretty unhappy teenager. She has taken a long time to mature and remains very immature in some ways whereas I take a lot of pride in having been independant from a young age.

So I guess I am saying that it is what it is. If she needs financial help and you can give it, great. If not hopefully she is mature enough to understand that circumstances change and that she might have had other things that her siblings haven´t.

[kingfix]

I am 20 yrs older than my sibs, had a totally different life to them - much much less money fewer things etc, dreadful clothes (it was the 70s you know), had to work for everything i've got blah-di blah. But what matter is we were all brought up with lots of love. I don't begrudge them thee things they've had - after all mum would have given me those things if she could have. I do think I am slightly more attuned to the need to work for aliving than they are, but then that may come with age and experience as well as no pocket money adn NHS glasses.