Another blazing row...

[bouncingblueberries]

I almost put this into AIBU but I know I am sort of...

The whole argument over having another dc blew up again last night. I've been feeling a bit down after a very close friend announced her pregnancy, and although I am delighted for her, I'm also very jealous.

I desperately want another child. Desperately.

I think what infuriates me most about DH is that instead of saying "I know you do, I do too, now isn't the right time but we'll find a way to make it happen soon" he gets all defensive and starts ranting about how the economy is collapsing, interest rates could well sky rocket soon, he doesn't know if his job is secure, blah blah blah.

I just wish that for ONCE he didn't think the sky was about to fall down.

I just wish he would work WITH me on this instead of getting all defensive.

I just wish he would stop being so bloody negative all of the bloody time. It's wearing me out.

Oh, and he just had his yearly appraisal and his boss said nothing about redundancies or cut back - in fact told him the department was the most profitable department in the whole company, so job security isn't the huge issue he likes to make out.

Sorry. Rant over. I'm just so bloody angry.

[SheWillBeLoved]

My initial thought on reading that is that he doesn't want another child, and is using the 'economical crisis' as an excuse. If he's in a secure job and has been told so - why does he make out he could be getting laid off any day?

People can't put their whole lives on hold on the basis that interest rates might rise.

[bouncingblueberries]

Every time we have this row he tells me he DOES want more children, but just wants to make sure we're financially secure first.

I also have my doubts.

[bouncingblueberries]

We have enough savings in the bank to survive for about 18 - 24 months should the worst happen and both of us end up out of work.

If that's not a decent amount of financial security then I don't know what is.

[Ivykaty44]

I would think he is getting defensive as he may feel that you see it as his job to provide and he is stopping you from having another baby - he possibly feels it is a slant on him not earning enough and he is possibly stressed through the way things are and it is getting on top of him.

[Quattrocento]

I'm not sure whether or not you work, but it sounds as though he is suffering from a bit of sole/major provider pressure. If you don't work, is there any way that you could to ease his financial anxieties? Could you work out a financial plan? I have a friend who didn't have children until they'd paid off the mortgage, for example.

[bouncingblueberries]

I work freelance to allow me to earn a full time salary on part time hours. I actually earn more than he does.

[bouncingblueberries]

IvyKaty44 I think that is how he is feeling but he refuses to share the burden of the mortgage. He rarely lets me contribute to overpayments and insists that the direct debit comes from his account rather than the joint account. He likes to keep a close eye on it apparently. But I feel by keeping the direct debits from his accounts makes him feel like it is his sole responsibility. Which it is not. It should be a joint responsibility.

[Ivykaty44]

Then funamentaly you have his ego to overcome and then his male pride to work around - not an easy task

sounds to me like he maybe competing internally with you - as not only do you work half the hours he does you earn more.

instead of allowing this to give you the freedom as a couple that it should do - it has bcome an obsticale in his head which is now preventing you from extending your family.

but i have not a solution, appart from talking to him about being one couple in unison rather than two people floundering for what they want.

[bouncingblueberries]

Thank you IvyKaty44.

I think I need to address the mortgage issue first.



I wish we could talk without fighting, I truly do

[brettgirl2]

I'd never seen the mortgage going out of DH's account as a problem. There's lots more to pay for that comes out of my account.

If you have enough money in the bank to survive for up to 2 years I don't think there is any kind of problem at all. Why does he think interest rates are going to go up? RPI is now nearly negative, CPI is falling and repossessions rising/house prices falling.

[chocolatemummy]

yeah I wonder where he gets this interest rate thing from too? and also agree that maybe he just doesnt want another child and is hiding behind other problems rather actually say it?

[bouncingblueberries]

brettgirl I just think that perhaps because the mortgage is paid from his account, he views it solely as his burden. But it's not, it should be a shared burden.

I hope and think that if I can convince him to shift the mortgage to come out of the joint account, it might give him a bit more perspective on our finances. Jointly, the mortgage is less than 25% of outgoings. But when you consider his salary alone, it is nearly 50% of his outgoings.

We haven't said a word to each other all day

[bouncingblueberries]

I've lost track of his theories on interest rates. Something about the only way to kick start growth again or something [dumb emoticon]

Honestly, sometimes I think he reads too much.

[Nabster]

Is it a deal breaker?

I think he needs to see how much you want another child.

[brettgirl2]

Increasing interest rates would be more likely to reduce growth, not increase it. Access to affordable finance is vital for business investment. I could go into far more detail and lots of different arguments (I'm a sad freak with an economics degree )

[compo]

how old is your child and how old are you and dh?

[bouncingblueberries]

I wish I could understand it all and argue back with him BrettGirl!

I'm 32, DH is 33 and ds is 3 next month.

I don't know what else I can do to show him how much it means to me

Tears, tantrums, pleading, passionate speeches, long letters from the heart, logical arguments, I've tried it all. I've even tried to enlist the help of doting grandparents. But no luck.

I even did go down the ultimatum route once...but realised it was dh's babies I wanted, not anyone else's.

[expelliamus]

I can totally sympathise with you feeling emotional about not having your dh's support in wanting another baby. once that urge kicks in it's like a spaer thro the heart every time you think about babies and pregnancy and it not happening.

that said, your hubby sounds like a pretty level headed guy, he obviously loves you dearly and wants to protect you and your child, the "current climate" is very daunting for breadwinners

but, DONT give up hope, trust his judgement and enjoy the time and freedom you have now. i know it may sound flipant but get a kitten or a dog, seriously it will scratch your itch and show your dh that you value his point of view. i'm not saying give in but you could talk to him about you feel and try to agree a date when you can revisit the subject, say 6 months or so.

i've been there so i do understand. 2 children are hard work, yes they are worth it. so be patient and meet your hubby half way, he will feel much happier about it all. if you push him he may resent you and you dont want that

good luck

[bouncingblueberries]

expelliamus - you said you were in a similar situation. Give me hope - how did you convince your dh?