Feel desperately let down by Relate counsellor who makes me feel like I am going mad for thinking DP shows warning signs of abusiveness...

[cheerfulvicky]

Sorry, just need to vent. I know Relate are supposed to be impartial and not take sides, but I feel so upset about tonight's session and can't face ever going back. And I think my relationship is over.

The counsellor
laughed at me and implied I was oversensitive for feeling flattened by DPs quietly controlling behaviour. Said I should 'rebel' and just do what I wanted while staying in the relationship. I don't want to rebel because I want an equal partnership, not one where my partners insecurity and issues with control leave me feeling like my every move is scrutinized, I am subtly discouraged from doing anything that would make me likely to become more confident and therefore leave him.

I was sobbing as I left as I left utterly distraught at not being taken seriously. I do feel frightened of my partner sometimes, he has never hit me but there is huge imbalance in our relationship and I feel like she doesn't understand HOW FUCKING HARD it is to break the cycle. She has no concept of how broken down you can get, how belittled and small and silly you can feel so that you CAN'T rebel, can't bloody do anything because you are a shadow of your former self. I feel like buying her a copy of Lundy Bancroft's book and sending it to her, but I do not feel like going back there. I don't think I can do anything except leave him, and that's what I'm going to do.

I badly wanted support but Relate isn't helping, its made things worse and he now seems to think his behaviour isn't a problem at all , that we are 'miscomunicating' or it's all in my head. Am so upset right now, I just had to get this out. My mum was babysitting and when I was still crying when we got home, she saw how bad I was. She was great, said I am not going mad, the counsellor hasn't seen the real situation in a few sessions and not to lose heart, this stuff is happening, I'm not imagining it. She told me to go and read the websites about passive agressive behaviour to reassure myself I'm not mad, it's subtle but real.

Please could you give me some support and be gentle, because I'm very low tonight and I haven't felt this upset in years. If it wasn't for my son I think I'd be in a much worse, more self destructive place. I feel so betrayed by the counsellor. I understand how it has to be but, God, it hurts. I feel so alone.

[choosyfloosy]

Can't not post reading this - no advice though. You sound so devastated. I hope you find some way through this.

[lilac21]

Vicky, stay cheerful! Relate aren't always all they're supposed to be, can you try a different counsellor?

Mumsnet are here for you no matter what, stay strong.

[LauriefairycakeeatsCupid]

think about getting your own individual counsellor so that you get some support

[thirtysomething]

You shouldn't be feeling as if she was dismissing you at all - she should accept and support what you said. however I wonder if in a perverse way she wanted to somehow get you to react? to say "I KNOW I'm not inventing/overeacting to this" and get you to take charge and put yourself back in the driving seat? Sometimes we need to get to the lowest point in order to bounce back and react? Just a thought, but it really sounds as if you may be better with individual counselling for a while?

[muffle]

How awful for you - it does sound as if she just wasn't getting it - but for a trained counsellor to laugh at you and belittle your feelings was appalling. Really on your behalf.

Have you posted about it all on here - would it help to talk about what he does on here, as I know there will be other MNers who have been through it and know exactly what you mean.

[abedelia]

You are not alone! I bloody hated my Relate counsellor - went for a single session shortly after my H had an affair and she banged on constantly about me drawing a line, forgiving, moving on and never talking about it again. It had only been over for 2 weeks FFS! I never went back - I was physically sick after I left as I was so upset, but yours sounds 100 times worse. However, you do have a right to ask for a different counsellor so if I were you I would do this. Don't give up... this one sounds horrible but I'm sure they're not all like that as many people on these threads say they are brilliant.

[DamonBradleylovesPippi]

cheerfulvicky please do not believe it even for a second it is all in your head. It never is! ever! they want you to believe so because it is, obviously, easier and convenient.
my two penny advice is to change counsellor if you can (not sure how it works) - if you do not feel understood and if she makes you having to justify yourself or doubt what you feel it is not a good sign. even this relationship is not on equal terms. you sound so down and that's not right. maybe you do need to leave him. but I guess you need to be strong to do that too.
can you go to relate on your own to work on yourself?

sorry is c*p advice but I hate to see people's feeling being rubbished. It's such a subtle way of controolling that can drive one insane.

send you all the strength you might need.

[cheerfulvicky]

Thanks guys, I have posted on here in the past, can't face dragging it all up again but regulars may remember some posts.

Individual counselling probably would be good to help me build up my self esteem which feels completely shattered, especially after today. But I'm so wary now the thought of it makes me want to curl up into a little ball.

Thank you for replying, it means a lot as MN is the only support I have right now apart from my mum. This the lowest point and yes, maybe I needed to arrive here in order to make a decision

[DamonBradleylovesPippi]

apologies for illitterate post. I was incensed and tiped my thoughts too fast. I hope you got the gist

• it is not just in your head

• change counsellor

• maybe go alone

[cheerfulvicky]

x posted abedalia and Damon. Thanks. Really.

[Spaceman]

Cheerfulvic, I have been in the same situation as you describe. I went to relate with my DP about three years ago. My DH had not been violent to me either, but he was a bully and he WAS emotionally abusing me. I said that I was sure he was going to one day hit me as things were escalating, and the counseller had trouble understanding why I had it in my head that things would get physically violent.

My response to her was that, in hindsight, if my DH was to one day lash out at me and I told my story right from the start, that EVERYONE would say that it was my fault for not seeing it coming. As far as I was concerned my story was a classic domestic violence case unfolding. It seemed to make her realise, but what can anyone say to that.

What I learnt at relate is that they do not have the answers and I'm not sure they really helped us with much to be honest. My DP was very good at saying all the right things in the session, but would then not be able to 'apply' what he had learnt outside of it.

Thankfully, it never has come to anything more than verbal abuse and we have sorted out our problems in the last couple of years, though there will always be a small part of me that is a bit wary of him. I've just learnt how to deal with him so I can get my point across/assert myself without pressing the 'wrong' buttons. Not ideal, but neither is divorce.

[Miyazaki]

You can change counsellors if you feel they aren't the right fit for you. Just phone and ask...

[cheerfulvicky]

I might change counsellors - we can't really afford it anyway so I feel maybe this is the signal to stop going, and put the money towards a deposit for a flat instead. I don't know. So confused tonight. I'll sleep on it, I'm off to bed soon but wanted to thank those who have replied. I really appreciate it.
x

[cheerfulvicky]

Thanks dittany, I'll look into it. I need all the help I can get

[AnyFucker]

vicky, I have read your previous posts

I am so sorry the counselling is not working for you, it certainly doesn't work for everyone

fwiw, everything you have said sounds real and true and that counsellor obviously isn't "getting it"

you don't have to go back, you don't have to do anything that makes you unhappy

consider asking to switch counsellors if that is possible

[AitchTwoOh]

she sounds absolutely awful, you should definitely ask for someone different to see. i'm outraged on your behalf, what a dreadful experience for you.

[lessonlearned]

As someone else pointed out, the counsellor is trying to get you demonstrate your usual reaction (perhaps suppressed anger?). He/she is also giving your DP an opportunity to demonstrate his usual (perhaps,superior)) reaction It maybe that you are venting your anger in a delayed fashion here IYSWIM.
FWIW I advise that you stick with it because it sounds like you are on the verge of a breakthrough in understanding yourself and your relationships.
If I may quote from Kahlil Gibran - 'The Prophet' (sp), "your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding of yourself."
A counsellor is not just there to agree with you and make you feel good, clarification is an important stage in the work and she wants a demonstration of 'how you do it'.
There is a '7 stage model' which goes; Contact, Contract, Clarification, Challenge, Choice, Change, Closure. If you stop now you will both avoid the 'challenge' and not get to make important choices and changes for the future!
I know this stage is painful, but I urge you to find the courage and grace to see it through - it may change your life.
Keep seeking all the support you can while you go through the stages.
Your counsellor will give you far more than any verdict of right/wrong behaviour, after all what is an opinion that changes nothing?

[solidgoldbullet4myvalentine]

Counselling from Relate or similar outfits is often unhelpful when the relationship is abusive, particularly when the abuser is manipulative or passive-agressive rather than physically violent: abusers like this are good at charming outsiders and going look, this unreasonable stupid woman is making it all up. SO the situation gets worse as the abuser then feels he has permission to carry on.
Have you talked to Women's Aid, cheerfulvicky? They will be able to offer you support from a position of understanding abuse and they will not dismiss you.

[AitchTwoOh]

good idea, sgb.

tbh lessonlearned, if that is what the counsellor is trying to do it's a bit bloody irresponsible given that the OP is in an abusive relationship.

[2rebecca]

If you never rebel or disagree with your husband though how do you know he is controlling rather than someone who just gets what he wants by default?
I have quite a strong personality and if my bloke always did what I wanted without challenging me I could be seen as controlling. I'm not I'm just fairly assertive and not afraid to say what I want/don't want. Generally I like men who are also fairly independant and are not afraid to disagree with me (nicely, I'm not into slanging matches the neighbours can hear and smashed crockery!)
I have been in relationships where the power balance went wrong, my boyfriend let me get my own way all the time and I turned into an awful nag. I ended these relationships as I hated being like this.
Those blokes could well have called me controlling, I'm not I'm just assertive and respond best to someone who is the same. If you're never assertive with your bloke how do you know what he'll be like if you are?
If you're generally unhappy in the relationship and don't love him and feel afraid of him then you're as well getting out, but it does sound as though you're trying to blame him for the relationship not working rather than accepting your personalities weren't compatible.

[cheerfulvicky]

2rebecca, I do think we are just incompatible, I said as much at the end of tonights session. I said I don't think he can be different, because this is just how he is. He won't change. And I don't really want to be in this dynamic anymore, I don't want to work around these massive differences: they're too great. I'm not trying to blame him for the problems we are having, I'm just hurting and finding my relationship is falling apart around my ears. And... I don't think its all his fault BUT some of the things he does are wrong, and I suppose I wanted someone to tell me that. To give me the strength to leave.

[BitOfFun]

I haven't trained in couple counselling, just had an introduction to it, but I would agree that it isn't helpful to take this kind of approach if one party is abusive. In individual counselling, a challenge is easier to deal with as you can examine whether there is any truth in it in safety, whereas if it is approached like this in a couple's session, then it does seem to shore up the position of one side, which is counter-productive.

If you felt up to it, I would call the counsellor and call them on it. However, it doesn't sound like you could do that just now, and I understand why.

I think you would be well advised to contact Women's Aid, as you feel emotionally abused in your relationship and let down by this counsellor. It sounds like you are clearer now about wanting to leave, and they will be able to help you do this. Your mum sounds fab btw, and you will be able to get through this. I hope you can keep posting and feel supported here- chin up, it will get better x

[cheerfulvicky]

Thanks for your kind words, BoF. And I really am off to bed now. Ahem.. x