Feel so down.......

[kentDee]

I think Im having a really bad week or tonight is the night its all got too much for me. I dont know where to start really. Cant believe Im pouring my heart out on mn.

My fiancee works nights so is never around basically. If he is not at work, then he is sleeping. We have a 6m old baby together who he adores and you can tell she loves him too. I feel so lonely though. Am I being selfish for wanting to spend more time with him? I feel like a single parent most days as he isnt involved in dd daily routine, and she has started to play up at meal times and bedtime when he tries to feed her, or put her to bed and really only lets me do it. I try to involve him as much as possible, but sometimes she gets upset and I end up feeding, etc just to stop her being upset. I want him to do things with her, but he always says Im better at it. I try to explain to him, the reason she is like this is because she doesnt really know him, and he needs to make more of an effort. He didnt like me saying this and walked out to go to work and now Im here pretty upset about things.

The thing is, my life is always going to be like this. His job is on the underground which means all night shifts so I will basically be on my own.... Its upset me a great deal as he informed me tonight that hes working sat night this weekend when I was looking forward to a romantic night in.

Am I being selfish? I know he works hard.

[Haribosmummy]

Does he HAVE to work nights?

If you (and I'm not expecting you to tell me) can honestly answer yes, then I think you have to deal with this situation (presumably you knew he'd be working before the baby was born)... If the answer is no, well, that's a different story.

my DH is away 5 days a week and rarely, if ever, does anything with DS (8 months).. Maybe change the odd nappy, but rarely baths him, never feeds him (solids), doesn't get the chance to take him out much...

BUT, I can (hand on heart) say that what DH is doing right now is right for our family as a whole, It's not forever and we will get through it, even though sometimes it's tough.

So, it does really come down to whether you feel your DP is trying to get out of childcare or if it's simply circumstance...

[kentDee]

yes he does Im afraid. He has always worked nights and he always will.

He loves his dd to bits, but doesnt see her enough to feed her, change her etc. How do you cope??

[Haribosmummy]

We get by. DS is suffering a bit of separation anxiety at the mo, which is difficult, cos I know it is caused primarily with us being together, alone, so much of the time.

We also have the 'only mummy will do' - esp. when he's tired / grumpy / hungry (AKA NEEDS something). It can be tiring.

But, I know that my DH is doing his best for us all, so I have to do my best too and not make it too hard, IYSWIM. Seems it's the same with you. It will get easier.

There are def. downsides - I am finding getting DS into a routine almost impossible because I don't have the energy / motivation to let him self settle / cry... If he's upset, I will comfort him and do whatever to settle him (he is sleeping in my bed tonight and it's been over a fornight since he actually spent a WHOLE night in his cot

But, we'll get there.. as will you. I think you have to reason that it's not easy being alone and therefore other things will suffer slightly, but it's not the end of the world as long as you both stay happy and healthy.

[kentDee]

Thats the thing.... Im not happy. I dont want things to be like this and not sure how much more I can take of this relationship.

[Haribosmummy]

Oh, I'm sorry, KentDee...

Can I ask: Is it because you don't think your partner does enough when he's not working, or is it just the whole grind of not spending enough time together?

It does get to me sometimes - I had a couple of really bad weeks with the bad weather when getting out was difficult, and everything just took forever...

Can you get a bit more help during the day?

[Supercherry]

Kentdee, can I just add that I also found it really hard at this stage. My partner also worked alot of hrs and I found myself being illogically resentful at the time. However, now my DS is 1, and a million times easier, and I am far less stressed, we are getting on much better. Just hang in there and do whatever you can to day to day easier for yourself. Do you get out the house much? Have you got others who can help you and give you a little break every now and then?

[Supercherry]

I found going for lots of walks helped, plus it had the added benefit of helping shift the last few baby pounds

[Haribosmummy]

Supercherry is right, Kentdee - I'd say 6 months is a hard age... My DS is coming up 9 months now and much more independant (he will play on his own etc) though I do have to watch where he is - cos he's into EVERYTHING!!!

[kentDee]

Thanks for your replys. I wrote him a letter last night and he read it when he came home from work. I poured my heart out in the letter about how Im feeling, and he was quite tearful-he didnt realise I was feeling so lonely with him working nights. Im a really happy person and love life and my dd and partner so much. I think its been bottled up inside me for so long and last night was the final straw and I needed to rant! Thanks for helping me!

I feel more positive about things today. Although he will never be able to work days he has promised me he will help out with dd alot more and spend more time as a family-just hope he means it.

[Supercherry]

Really happy for you