3rd job in a year, I lost it with him

[thisweathersajoke]

IN the last year my DH and I got married, moved house, had a baby (now 7mnth), and he has been made redundant once and demoted once (i saw his job advertised online the week following DS birth).

Last week he was demoted from this new job (number 3) which he started 3 months ago and then came home last night at midnight and calmly said 'don't think that this job is going to work....'

I had had a v long day with poorly baby and just totally lost it with him. I had to tyr so hard not to say - what's wrong with you, but just about said everything else and now have argument hangover, feeling like shit.

He just doesn't seem to get that I am about to lose the plot! i can't keep saying to him, ' stick it out' 'there are no other jobs out there' etc etc.

This insecurity is worrting me to death as i spent 4 months looking for and sending out applications for other jobs for him, when babe was newborn - every minute i could. The result being that without sleeping when he did i was strung out to hell anyway.

Adding to the mix is living in his home area (i moved here from 200 milkes away), have only one friend here and his family don't bother coming to see us even though they live 20 minutes away.

We have had 2 hours 'out' since the babe was born (in december) and as his mother firmly stated when she found out i was pregnant she doesn't want to babysit (even though this is her first grandchild).

Am i wrong to feel so hard done by??

I just wish that things would go our way for once - the stress is driving us so far apart. I have already told him that we should split and i feel like my mind is going to explode i am so stressed.

Help.

[PottyCock]

You're not wrong to feel like this - that's an enormous amount to cope with on top of a new baby.

Why is he being demoted and made redundant repeatedly? What's the real issue here?

[HecateQueenOfGhosts]

What line of work is he in? He has been demoted twice? As PC asks, what is really going on? Perhaps he performs well in interview, looks good on paper, but after he starts the boss realises he isn't really capable of doing the job, for whatever reason (ability, attitude, whatever).

Perhaps a different type of job?

[PottyCock]

I'm wondering if he's got substance or depression issues - it just sounds like typical avoidance stuff. Not coping with responsibility etc.

[thisweathersajoke]

he is in catering, restaurant manager.

He always seems to do well at the start and then it tails off....

1st job the owner thought they could do the job and save money.

2nd job they changed the job title - they were launching new business and employed him as arest man and then he ended up cooking in the kitchen. Because of this they lowered his wage so that he had to leave.

This time, he was managing 3 dpt and someone left who managed 2 and he was asked to do their job - with a pay cut.

Everything seems so uncertain, i am always expecting him to come through the door and say that he has lost his job again - i just can;t cope with it anymore the worrying on top of everything else is mashing my head - whenever i tell him how i feel it turns into a competition about who is more upset/depressed/frustrated/TIRED.

I just really feel the lack of support around me - someone just to go and talk to for some light relief against all this shit.

To be fair though - he is a nice guy, no temper, friendly, and i know that he is good at his job, just always ends up working for dicks.
We have talked about retraining - but how on earth to afford that??

x

[TotalChaos]

ah. so it's a quite an unstable sort of line of work he is in. would it not be a possiblity for him to do similar (if less glamorous) work at a works canteen/school or hospital kitchen etc - i.e. something a bit more stable? given the work position, would he consider moving back to your area so at least you would have more family support.

It does sound immensely frustrating for both of you.

[EffiePerine]

would you consider swapping roles for a bit if he does lose his job - you work and he stays at home? Or you could both try working p/t?

[Milkmade]

Stop blaming everyone else. You have no right to expect childcare from grandparents, do you "bother"to see his familiy even though they only live 20 minutes away or just expect them to come and see you, and mabye instead of applying for jobs for him you could consider bringing some money into the family yourself. Only last year you stood up and said you wanted to be with this guy for life and now at the first hurdle you've already told him you want to split? How seriously did you take your marriage vows?

[HecateQueenOfGhosts]

bloody hell that's a bit blunt (even by MY standards!)

[Milkmade]

Well when you get married you say through thick and thin, and when you get pregnent you know the first year is (as well as having excellent moments) largely bloody hard work, especially if you live away from familiy, and everyone only has so much emotional energy and if you expend most of that saying to yourself "do I want this to work" or "woe is me" then you're not spending the energy going "how do I make it work", and that's not good for anyone.

[mindalina]

Actually I think it's pretty shit of grandparents who can to refuse to babysit when Mum and Dad are clearly struggling.

MiL swore blind she wouldn't be a free babysitting service for us when we had DS (and actually this declaration pisses me off as well - we'd never once bloody asked, she's just a bit of a pita), but once he was here and I had godawful PND and DP was away all hours working up in London, of course she had him a couple of times to ease the strain as she's fundamentally a decent person.

OP your situation actually sounds very similar to mine - I moved a long way to live here and had fuck all support here when DS was born. Can you ask your health visitor about a support group for new mums or mum and baby groups to start meeting people and building up a support network?

[prettyfly1]

bloody norah - milkmade calm down = way too harsh.

Op - i completely understand how frustrated you must be but you need to understand that wht you are talking about is the nature of his industry - my parents have run restaurants since i was tiny and believe me i have heard horror stories and you get shafted regularly. So yes, a change of career may be vital. You blaming him probably isnt helping though. I understand how much pressure you must be under. What are your options. Can you go back to work, can he study part time while you both work part time.

My parents dont help much either. I try to see it as respecting the fact that they did twenty five years of child rearing and it was my choice to have a baby. Are you going to mums groups. What effort are you making to meet new friends and have interests. It might help with the stress and if you meet nice people you will build your own support network.

[thisweathersajoke]

i do take my marriage vows very seriously - we have been through a lot together, and a lot in order to be together - but the stresses of the last year have been so intense. I sometimes find it hard to imagine a future together.

I know that i come across as 'poor me', nd this is probably wrong.

As for grandparents, we do make big efforts to see his side, in fact, the only time we ever see them is when i encourage a visit to them - as the do NOT come to us. Ever.

I do not expect them to care for DS, but some support would be nice. In fact, in the marriage service there is a committment from family to support the newlyweds, though you think that this would be automatic.....

My side are as supportive as they can be 200 miles away.

I do work from home so i am bringing some money in - but just wish he could get settled in a job he enjoys and doesn't get shafted again.

[cestlavielife]

you "i spent 4 months looking for and sending out applications for other jobs for him"

how old is he? does he have a disability? i presume not, so why are you doing this for him?

is he so used to you looking after him he is finding it hard to take on responsibility?

let him find his own job, perhaps at lower level but more stable. or swap roles as someone said...is he good with the baby?

i am not blaming you btw - i did this too (facilitating, enabling, treating him like my fourth child who needed looking after...) for so many years.... til ex got depressed blew up and exploded and i had to leave him....

[unavailable]

From the reasons you have given, it seems like it has been pure bad luck that your husband's last three jobs havent worked out. He has'nt messed them up.

I can understand why you are finding things hard, and worrying about the future .Lots of people are very worried in the current economic climate. Its not his fault, though.
Maybe he is just as worried.

Please try to talk rahter than blame.

[unavailable]

Sorry, that last sentence sounds really crap now I read it back (even excluding spelling mistakes. )

I just mean I think you are both under pressure and dont let the stress pull you apart.

[Janos]

milkmade that is out od order and totally not the point the OP was making, she mentioned it as an aside.

OP I appreciate how hard it is without practical support nearby when you are struggling with difficult circumstances, and missing having someone to just have a laugh with and let off some steam.

It does sound your DP is not at fault so much as working in a difficult industry - which of course is still hard to deal with.

No wonder you are so stressed.

mindalinda has some good ideas. Have a look and see what groups are available.

Do you get on ok with your PIL? Could you speak to them and say look, we need some support here?