I just dont understand him

[ahhhmen]

Dont really know where to start but this may be long so sorry.

My dp well now xp and I had a really rough year last year and we decided to have a 'trial' seperation from my perspective the reason our relationship wasnt working was mainly due to him staying out all night everytime he went on nights out, he always had excuses of why he didnt come home, cudnt get taxi etc.

This obviously caused me to question where he was staying, and I no longer trusted him so started looking at his phone, I found texts which I did not like they were v flirty. but they didnt proove anything and dp just said it was a bit of fun.

Anyway during our trial seperation we decide we did want to try to make things work and although he continued to stay at his mums we went out and spent time together. After about 5 months I suggested we should go on holiday as a sort of make or break solution, we left our ds with my mum and had a great week in the sun with lots of sex and fun. A week after we returned my dp moved back in.

Everything was going great for the 1st 2 months we got on great spent time together etc, then suddenly things changed my dp stopped being affectionate towards me and started snapping at any little thing I said I tried asking if everything was ok but he just said yes. Then just before xmas he was up to his old tricks again he came in at 7am after a night out, we had a big row was all v emotional, but because it was so close to xmas it just kind of blew over.

Then on new years day we had a chat he told me it wasnt working and there was no point in trying any more were just not meant to be together. This totally broke my heart and although it quite claearly hadnt been working in the last month I just cant understand why. He is currently still living with us sleeping on the sofa looking for somewhere to rent, which is v awkward, theres days that are fine and we get on great although we are seperated, then theres days when we cant stand the site of each other.

One thing that really annoys me is when I get upset and we argue I will ask why has he done this he point blank refuses to believe he has done this and just says it was a joint decision and the only reason I get is it just wasnt working. This is what I dont understand. In a way I wish I found out he was cheating on me, then that would be the reason, but at the moment I am very confused, upset and angry.

[Tiredmumno1]

Of course its going to make u feel like that. I really dont think men think bout what they say or do. And they have no knowledge of hurting feelings. But if u feel like u cant do it anymore maybe u should look for places to rent for him, at least it might be less painful if he isnt in ur face, its not fair on u and i think u should tell him that. On the other hand if u wanted to stay with him ask if he would give it a go if u tried to have counselling, then at least u can say u tried. I wish u luck sweetie, try not to be to down i know its hard, but u will be happy again. Take care

[macdoodle]

He is cheating on you - I am so sorry but having been there done that I would be very surprised if he isnt

[hobbgoblin]

I am in the same place trying to understand why my dp feels it isn't working. After some very unhappy discussions I have made some sense of it but it makes you wonder why they try and then bow out and don't seem to know their own mind.

Even if he is cheating, it's they 'why' that you need to know isn't it? Why is he unhappy. I think, if you're like me you need them to say it's because I don't fancy you or because you think differently to me, or your too quiet or loud or tidy or whatever! Some kind of concrete reason, because if you do have very good times it stops making sense that one side can soemtimes be so dis-satisfied with things.

Does that make sense?

[ThumbLoveWitch]

I would put money on him cheating on you.

I had a bf once - we were only together for (I thought) a year, turned out in reality it was only 6m before he started seeing someone else and ended up living with her - but I was sooooo wilfuly blind, I wouldn't see it and he was excellent at making excuses or blaming me or throwing it back on me, or anything rather than admit to it. He was a pathological liar. It took me a hell of a long time to get over him, despite his obvious low-lifeness - why is it that the real low-lifes seem to have such a powerful effect on us?

[hobbgoblin]

Good question thumbwitch. I think, completely dispassionately that is our (as in every individual's) struggle with the balance between control in life and not having control.

[lessonlearned]

He is giving you all the answeres you need - he does not love you, he's a fairweather friend at best.
Sorry you are going through this but he's excess baggage you just don't need.
Don't let him mess with your head and your heart any longer.

[N1]

Sometimes knowing an answer makes things feel worse. Not knowing plays with your mind but getting a hurtful answer is painful.

The main points are that you and he are separating. It might be better to set agreements up while things are calmer.

I would imagine that the truth will come out at some point, but you will (hopefully) had plenty time to make all the changes you need to make.

[ahhhmen]

Thanks for the replies, those of you who think he cheated on me, I totally agree, I think he probably is/was, but he would never admit this. I have been looking at flats for him he does have a viewing this week, he is giung for a shared room because he cant really afford the rent on a flat.

I am then going to be left with the mortgage and bills to pay, obviously I will get maintenance from him, but financially its going to be a struggle for both of us.

I found out yesterday he is going out and staying over at a friends next sat (valentines day). Not a lilely stpry since all his friends I know of have girlfriends!!I asked if he was taking a girl out he said no and got mad because I keep on at him about whether there is another girl involved.

[Dior]

Ahhmen - TBH, if the relationship is over for him, don't get yourself all het up about Valentine's Day. Act as if you don't really care - or at least try to.

To be fair, he has the right to date BUT it is a little tasteless, which is possibly why he is lying to you about it.

I would say that he is not worth your heartache. He sounds like someone I knew once, always looking for the next one.

[ahhhmen]

Yeah I kow he has the right to date, I would just rather know about it. I was his 1st proper girlfriend, and I never really had any reason to think he might be unfaithful until last year. so I dont think hes necessarily always looking for the next one, I do think he still see's himself as a student and has not taken to the responsibility of growing up and having a child very well. btw we are both 27 which I dont think is too young to settle down!!

[HecateQueenOfGhosts]

clearly he has someone. Of all the nights to have plans with a friend, it just happens to be valentines? Yeah, right.

Why is it that so many people can't just have the BALLS to hold up their hands and say "yeah, I admit it, I found someone else."

tbh, I think I'd be saying "Look, you insult my intelligence every time you claim you haven't got someone else. Our relationship is over, and that's fine. You're free to do what you want. I have no respect for you because you don't have the guts to just be straight with me. You're a coward."

[HOLLY23]

I think you need to agree a date with him for when he will move out the house because its stopping you from moving forward. He probably is/ has been cheating but there's no point stressing over it. Try and agree financials and use the time while is living with you to agree maintenance money, perhaps you could try mediation to agree all these things? In any case try not to upset yourself over him anymore, he's not worth it.

[HeadFairy]

I never understand why men do this either. An ex boyfriend of mine swore blind he wasn't seeing anyone else when we split up and yet he was going out with a girl a week later (nothing unusual in that really) and three weeks after we broke up he took her to Zanzibar for two weeks. Now don't tell me he booked that holiday days after we broke up with someone he'd known for a couple of days.

Sorry you're going through this OP, my first thought too was he's seeing someone else. That's a really shitty thing to do to someone so my feeling would be it's best for you to take care of yourself and try to think about moving on. It's so hard, but someone who does this to you doesn't care that much for you, let alone love you.

As for the age thing, people age at different rates... at 27 I was very ready to settle down but my ex bf wasn't. He still isn't at 38 and is still a serial monogamist.

[ThumbLoveWitch]

Same for me - my 1st bf (also ex-fiance) left me 3m before the wedding, ostensibly nothing to do with anyone else. He was supposed to be going to his Dad's gf's flat but didn't, he went straight to this secretary's from work (oh, the SHAME of the cliche!) - she was "just a friend" - yeah right, that's why he had dinner with her and his Dad, dad's gf and brother 3 weeks later. His bro's gf phoned me (she was going to be a bridesmaid) and told me about it - she refused to go.

Now, you don't go introducing a "just friend" to your whole family in such a formal manner, do you?

Oh, and he left me on Valentine's Day. It was quite painful for a few years. It's ok now though.

[lessonlearned]

Ahh thumbwitch, the irony....

[DeeBlindMice]

Why can't he stay at his Mum's again? It's totally unfair to you and your son for him to be lodging on your sofa while clearly shagging someone else.

Kick him out.

[solidgoldbullet4myvalentine]

Get him out of the house as soon as possible, because it's going to be so much harder for you to move on and plan your future while he's still hanging around. He won't be in any rush to move out because he probably likes getting fed and having his washing done, and probably thinks that if you get a bit slack in that department or make vague noises about him moving out, a wistful look and a suggestion that you 'try again' will keep the meals and clean laundry coming, and might even get him a blowjob - but all along he's free to date and chase other women and do what he wants as you're 'not a couple'...
GIve up on him, he's not worth any more energy, and, as you have split up, don't do his washing or cooking any more, he'll soon be out the door.

[AnyFuckerForAShiteSoppyCard]

lovin' that post sgb

[ahhhmen]

Dont worry I havnt done his washing since we split and he has only done 2 loads in the past 5 weeks, he only has about 7 pairs of boxers I'm sure you can work the maths out their ewww. He certainly will not be getting a blow job either, although he has tried his luck with me a couple of times to no avail!!!

He wont go back to his parents because his mum hasnt been v sympathathic with him about the whole thing since she found out. They have just gone away so he is staying there tonight and has spent the last 2 nights at a friends house.

[DeeBlindMice]

Well what is the situation with the house you live in? Is it yours? his? rented? owned?

Figure out ASAP what your rights are to your home, and whether you can demand he leaves. If not, make arrangements and just move yourself.

Don't allow him to keep his options open in the way he is. solidgold is bang on about his motivations.

He sounds like a right baby, not wanting to go back to his mother's because she isn't sympathetic to his foul behaviour towards the mother of her grandchild.

Start taking whatever practical steps you can to move on and get this utter waste of space out of your life. Obviously you'll need to maintain contact for the sake of your DC, but you don't need to take any shit from him ever again.

[ahhhmen]

We own the house both put the same deposit down and both pay exactly the same towards the mortgage. I dont want to sell at the moment because of falling house prices, I cant get the mortgage on my own so I think he is going to stay on it, but once he has moved out he wont pay towards it (just maintenance for ds). We will get the house valued when he leaves and when/if I ever sell he will get half of that equity.

Its going to be hard financially even with tax credits and maintenance but will just have to cope, does anyone know if you can get housing benefits if you already have a mortgage? I know if I was renting I would get help towards the rent, it seems unfair that I dont get help with my mortgage, but thats another issue entirely.

[DeeBlindMice]

If you would be better off in rented accommodation why don't you move out with DS and let your DP pay the mortgage. Then he'll be the one who has to pay you half of any equity from a house sale that he'll have to organise.

Actually that might be terrible advice, it's just a thought. Might be time for a trip to CAB to see what your options are.

[ahhhmen]

He wouldnt be able to afford the mortgage aswell as paying me maintenance, so that wouldnt be an option I'm afraid.

[HOLLY23]

Ahhhmen, if you sell the house, you will be entitled to more then 50% of the equity because of DC. You may feel splitting it 50/50 with DP is fair but you have to think of DC's future as well. He certainly hasn't thought of you has he? Not sure if you would qualify for housing benefit, but you may get a reduction in council tax, also speak to your mortgage provider to see what options you have on your mortgage, you may be able to reduce your payments to interest only if you are on a repayment mortgage for example, and then you bide your time until the housing market recovers. Also you should check to see if you qualify for additional tax credits. Hope this helps