Dreadfully unable to cope and be normal about what's happened and I'm ashamed of that but nevertheless I'm prepared to make a twonk of myself here again just for some support, please

[hobbgoblin]

I have not not taken on board what you have all said about what I need to do and I will do that but I need to be indulged right now.

I want someone to say my dp will be back. I'm kind of hungry for that promise, iyswim. Doesn't mean I'm well aware that nobody can promise that and that him coming back is not what I should be wanting. I am TOTALLY aware of that.

However, in the past he has always come back. Just for the sake of making me feel better today so I'm a bit stronger tomorrow can you help me answer that question? That is; "is he just angry and when he calms down he will come back?"

This is utterly pathetic but the fear of him never returning is in danger of making me give up everything. When we've talked over the last 48 hours, if he seems like he is unsure then it enables me to be bright enough to eat or wash up. It really helps me not feel so scared that I've lost all my happiness. Obviously totally unhealhty methodology I'm using.

I asked if that's it for ever and he said "i don't want us to live together" so then I said "i'm not asking that, I'm asking if that's it for ever" and he said "I think so"

I just don't get why he left it was all going really well and he just got cold feet, except he isn't even saying that, he is saying he was sick of the confrontation - thwere was none! What idiot who claims to be sick of the confrontation is trying to book a holiday for us and being all cuddly and lovely 2 days before? What the hell is he on?

[StealthPolarBear]

it does sound as though he's being weird
don't really know what to say sorry.
Could there be something else going on - stress/mental health problems?

[hobbgoblin]

Wish I hadn't clicked post now, it is so humiliating to be like this.

Maybe there are some suggestions for how I can talk to an irrational man rationally?

I really don't see why he won't open up about what the real reasons for his leaving are. He just keeps saying it's all too much. Wtf does this mean if it was going really well?

[MrsMattie]

I know you are feeling hurt at the moment and this may not help much, but honestly - he sounds like a complete and utter sod.

[izyboy]

Hobb you know deep down that a future with this guy will not bring you happiness even if he was to come back. You know that. However, you WILL be happy again and hopefully this will be much more to do with having built a positive future away from a pretty toxic individual.

[intheend]

Don't know the circumstances but seems so selfish not to give you real reasons... would at least give you a chance of getting your head straight.

[hobbgoblin]

thanks for your post on the other thread Stealth. I started this one because I am going to use that thread's advice in reserve for my stronger moments.

He is under major, serious outside stress at the moment. Has lost about £50 000 over the last few months and there is no end in sight. But this was the case when he asked for a retry with me, him and the baby plus our children. This man is 44 not 14.

[izyboy]

Oh and what you are feeling is absolutely normal given the circs. You will begin to feel stronger litle by little over time. Please dont feel humiliated I for one completely understand as I am sure will many others on MN.

[wannaBe]

don't know what's gone on, but could this be to do with your pregnancy? After all you had planned to have a termination, had gone some way towards going through with it and then changed your mind - maybe he's finding that hard to handle?

[solidgoldbullet4myvalentine]

I am sorry you are feeling so bad, but you don't want this man back. He's either an utterly spineless wimp who has no idea what he wants and can't think of anyone apart from himself, or he is someone who gets his jollies from manipulating you, forever dangling 'commitment' like a doggy treat over your head to make sure you spend all your time thinking about how to please him and 'make' him stay, while he happily goes on with his life feeling that any time he wants his cock sucked or his washing done all he's got to do is phone up and say 'But I love you really, I'm just so confuuuuuuuuused.'
Tell him to piss off. Honestly, you will feel so much better when it's done.

[hobbgoblin]

I don't want him to crawl back so I can kick him when he's down, it's just the reasons he's given for giving up so quick are a load of Bollocks! Really they are. I feel he must know this deep down somewhere because I find it hard to believe the attentive man who was grinning from ear to er at our scan appointment now suddenly wants nothing to do with it all.

[solidgoldbullet4myvalentine]

YOu want to be with a man who has 'lost' £50K. Watch out. Really, really, watch out. THe next thing he will do will be to borrow money off you, or persuade you to take out a loan and hand over the cash. ALl this to-ing and fro-ing is a way of softening you up so he can bleed you for money.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

There is no way you can talk to or even try and reason with an irrational man. Trying to analyse him will tie you up in knots.

He is being totally unfair to you - why would you want someone like this back anyway as this type of behaviour would likely get repeated given time?.

[hobbgoblin]

solid, if I promise I intend to build myself back up to going it alone as I had planned to, can you answer my 'get me through now question?'

Given your insight into what men like this do, do you think he'll be asking for a billionth chance?



You know what I want to hear today, and I may not care next week, but I would really like some honest thoughts on chances of that happening because I might be able to feel in control again if I feel like the future is my choice and not some shit i've had flung at me that I have to egt on with.

[solidgoldbullet4myvalentine]

TBH Hobb: I think he will. BUT the request for another chance may well be followed up with a request for money, so do be on the lookout...

[Greyclay]

I'm sorry as I also don't know the background of this but Hobbgoblin, in even the very most general of terms, you cannot put your life's happiness and self-worth in someone else's hands. He does not control these things, you do.

Also, I know this sounds strange to reiterate but you say that you live in fear of him never coming back...dearest, he IS gone. His actions should tell you that he is not coming back. I say this to you with the utmost empathy and gentleness. From what I can tell, you are in the first stages of grief which involve a hell of a lot of confusion, bewilderment and general denial.

I'm so sorry for your pain. You will be ok, I promise. You have lots of help here.

[hobbgoblin]

I know, I actually do know that he's not worth it. Just don't believe in my coping to the other side of this right now so to have the cosyness of the choice either way would help a bit.

At what point do men like this who heap the blame on the wronged party give up?

The more I've resisted in the past the keener he's been.

Fecking cliche

[MorrisZapp]

This has got bad news written all over it. Why should you have to wait for somebody to decide over and over again if they want to be with you?

Confused my arse. It isn't a hard decision you're asking him to make.

I know you want us to say it'll be ok and he will come back and be lovely but even if he does, look at the bigger picture here. This is no way to treat the mother of your children.

Sorry it's making you so sad.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He may in tim eask you for yet another chance but there will be conditions attached.

You are in sole charge of your own happiness, you cannot become dependent on another person to provide this for you.

How did he manage to lose 50K anyway?.

[hobbgoblin]

Low self esteem women need to be wanted and not rejected. It's not a power trip to say that, it's reality when rejection equals self loathing.

Who needs self loathing when they're grieving too?

I can't tell you the level of denial I have. Let's say it's extreme. I want to turn back the clock.

Thanks though, that's one yes: one no

[Ivykaty44]

Well I will tell you this:

If you leave him alone, don't call, dont answer his calls until he has rung three times, be ovasive about what you have been doing and what you are doing. I will tell you that he will then be all over you like a rash.

Is that really what you want though to play games? Do you really want him to keep coming and going and not really living?

I have read your posts, yes I do know where to some degree you are - I didn't wever ever let him come back it would have done my bloody head in. Did he want to come back - yes. When the baby was born we had tears and pleading.

Am I glad he never came back - oh yes. Is he still messing around - oh yes. But not me he is messing around and not wife 2 he is messing around its wife 3 now that has to put up with his messing around......

So ok different woman but same game

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"The more I've resisted in the past the keener he's been".

Some men only like the thrill of the chase and when their victim is enmeshed in their web of deceit they then get bored and back off. This behaviour is yet another way of making you dependent on him.

[Beantin]

Let's hope he doesn't come back. For the sake of your children, find someone who makes you happy and will be a stable, good role model and influence for the children. As a child of divorced parents, am soooo glad my mum did.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Some men also have in built radar to target an emotionally vulnerable women in order to take advantage off.

[hobbgoblin]

The money is due to divorce and business partnership stuff mixed up with that. It wasn't his fault and he hasn't not fought to keep his head above water or begged or borrowed at all. He has just worked and worked and worked to save things. I'm not saying the divorce wasn't his fault. God knows. But the bitterness over it has cost both him and ex wife a lot of money. She's lost just as much. Just a sad reality, lining the barrister's and solicitors' pockets.

He won't be borrowing from me as I've got nothing to give.

[hobbgoblin]

I know that he will put every other woman he ever meets and has a relationship with through the same. He doesn't see it but I know he knows it and I know he knows I have been extremely tolerant. No idiot really believes the next woman will put up with the same crap forever. I guess that's why they come back to the one who is putting up with it now.

I think I hold the belief that the resolution comes in the person who is behaving badly realsiing for themselves that they are and doing something independently about it. This was the deal when we decided to give it a go. He told me what he felt he was doing wrong and made a good start about seriosuly actingn on change. I guess it's very hard to break old habits.

I feel it's such a shame for us both because we both wanted to be a success, he just didn't have the strength to change and has reverted to blame mode. There was a lot of good but the bad stuff had to be gone for it to be okay.