... Opiinions everyone please! WWYD??

[ElizabethCM]

married for 5 yrs to DH. he is wonderful, funny and kind, good looking, smart ... he is everything i ever wanted and more. i love him and i am proud of him. he is a lovely father to dd (12 mths) and looks after her two days a week.

BUT ... he is unemployed and intends on staying that way. reasons are;

1. he has chronic fatigue
2. he hates small talk
3. he writes music and would like any spare time when he feels well to be dedicated to this (he does not make money from music)

i make good money in my job and it will only get better (i am a lawyer). but i feel somehow like the arrangement isnt fair, i only took 6mths maternity leave with dd and when we have other babies i would like much longer. also i worry what people think of us, whether they think i am being taken for a ride or whether he is a na'er do well. and if he stays unemployed (has been for 3 yrs) does that mean he will NEVER work...

i sound like shallow and evil but i just need others opinions. wwyd? would you be bothered? would you just wait and see? is anyone else in a similar position??

[ElizabethCM]

thankks capricasix. maybe i am being unfair, worrying what others think. all my friends have "successful" partners. though would not trade my husband for theirs!

i dont know if he has given up as such. or whether he ever wants to work. he gets upset if i try to bring it up. i am rubbish at conflict!

[mumof2222222222222222boys]

Is he depressed? I can see why you are concerned - I would definitely be worried in your situation. Yes you can earn good money as a lawyer, but well paid lawyers have to put the hours in...and the more hours you put in, the less time you have to spend with your family. If you are resentful now, is that going to lessen, or increase over time, particularly if you have another baby.

I don't like conflict, and tend to hope issues go away, but I think this is something that you do need to talk about.

Good luck.

[bigTillyMint]

I think it must be quite tricky for you in your line of business - the expectation is that you will have a high achieving OH too. Plus alot of your colleagues will have two good salaries coming in and live to a very high standard.

If it is just a question of worrying about what others think, then you you can get over that.

If you are worrying that he will be like this forever, then maybe there is a problem.

How do you think he would manage when / if you have another one or more? Would you feel resentful that you couldn't be a SAHM? Or even afford to have a decent maternity leave?

[moondog]

Do yuo care what people think?
If not, it might suit you.

Personally i couldn't live with someone who didn't contribute to the family coffers out of choice.

I take it he is in charge of the vast majority of domestic matters and will be for as long as he is not in paid emplyment?

[piratecat]

not helpful here, but is he a saggitarius?

sounds like he has got a bit lost, I know of a few dp's/dh's like this, who are just enjoying doing nothing. I guess if it could work for you that would be great, ie childcare not a prob etc...

Maybe he needs a plan, maybe he needs to get real?

[WEESLEEKITLauriefairycake]

My dh was recovering from chronic fatigue when we met, he drove a van for 2 hours a day (all he could manage), he dropped out of his pgce due to it, he went from being in the TA at uni and running for the Uni team to death warmed up in a few weeks.

He said one of the turning points of his illness was 'allowing' himself to be ill instead of fighting it. He had fought it for a year getting more and more ill. When he accepted that he was properly ill and that nothing he could do worked he very slowly started to recover.

Fast forward 6 years and he is Head of Humanities at a secondary school and he has been promoted every year since he started - he has made all his time up.

If he got sick again I would not leave him as I would know from the very depths of my being that he could do nothing about his illness.

This is only a personal opinion and is based only on me and my dh. I watched him recover from a terrifying illness. He too tried to rationalise why he wasn't working - your dh's statement about smalltalk - if my dh had said this I would think that on some level he didn't want to be around others (maybe embarassed by his illness or because he didn't want any help/pity) - it so sounds like something my dh would say.

He must be managing his illness (or in denial, or pushing himself) pretty well to be able to look after a child two days a week? Maybe he's worried he can't hack it at work? As I said my dh drove a van a couple of hours a day to manage his symtoms - he saved his energy to do the work and then went home and collapsed til the next day. Maybe very part-time work would help him - even volunteer work in music-something.

I personally would not be bothered about contribution where money is concerned but would be concerned about contribution to relationship etc. I work very odd hours and bring in practically nothing money-wise but I do a lot of the work in the house and with our foster child so we have a pretty even contribution in other ways.

Wish you lots of luck though

[MamaG]

We have had periods where I have worked and DH has stayed at home and looked after the children. Vast amounts of money aren't important to us (hell, we'd like it, but it's not the be all and end all) and we chose our lifestyle so that we could afford to have one of us at home with the DC rather than sending them to a CM/Nursery (nowt wrong with doing that, just not our choice).

I never resented DH for that, I could earn a higher wage than him and it made sense. I would have liked to be the one staying at home but we couldn't ahve managed on his earnings alone at hte time(s). We've just had DC3 and now I'm staying at home while he goes out to work.

I didn't then nor do I now give a TOSS what others thought of us. MIL in particular was very disapproving about DH being a SAHD while I worked but I didn't care - it worked for us.

If YOU don't mind the situation, then carry on as you are. Hopefully your DH will get better eventually and things might change again. Agree he should do more householdy stuff when he has the energy

[2pt4kids]

I couldn't live with that.

I'll admit that I dont know anything about chronic fatigue, but it does strike me as strange that he is able to look after your DD for 2 days a week and also to spend time on his hobby of music, but not have any intention of working for the foreseeable future.

If it was my DH, I would be fine with him not working if he was unable to. It would be the not wanting to work even if/when he got better due to wanting to spend more time on his hobby and not liking small talk that would bug me.

It does sound as though he could be a bit depressed and not able to see past the feeling tired and unable to do a lot now to a time when he might be able to work and actually want to have a career.

How is he when he looks after your DD on those 2 days? Does he seem to be enjoying the time with her and doing as much as he can manage with her activity wise? Or does he seem to not do a lot and just coast through those days?
If he does coast a bit then is another sign that he could be a bit depressed really.

If it was me I'd start the chat with saying to him that you understand that he's not up to working now and you will not be pressuring him to work at all until he is 100% fit and well. However you'd like to help him get a bit of mental motivation back to do something else later when he is ready and to help him get to the point of being fit enough to work.
Is there anything that he'd like to study? is there a part time course/OU corse to do with music or another of his hobbies that could lead to a job later on?
Perhaps you could think about putting DD into childcare for one extra day and him having her just one day a week and then using the other time to study/make future plans?
Could you both see a counseller to understand each others point of view a bit more? Its obviously a sensitive subject for him as he gets upset when you try to talk about it, so might be worth talking about it in an impartial setting where he can say what he's worried about and you can say how you feel too.

[notsoclever]

I think it is interesting that you say in your OP "he is everything I ever wanted... I love him.. I am proud of him".

Yet you are wondering about things nor feeling fair, and what people will think of you. Being really, genuinely proud is being proud of him exactly as he is now (even with his current lack of ambition).

When I met my dp he was quite ambitious and I supported him in that. Various issues at work have left him less hungry for the next rung on the ladder. I appreciate he is in employment, but it was quite a struggle for me over a few years to accept that he had completely accepted his 'lowly' position, and I too was worried about what other people were thinking, and whether it would reflect badly on me.

I had to adjust my expectations and thinking a bit so that I could also accept his new-found lack of ambition. Now I am just happy to see him relaxed and happy in himself. He feels he fulfills himself in other ways. I am grateful that he is not traveling abroad and away from home like my friends' husbands, and I appreciate the time that we can relax together at home without the extremes of a high pressure job making him stressed.

[ElizabethCM]

thanks everyone. bit busy, have not had much time to post. yes, he does do a lot of the housework.

i dont doubt him about the extent of his CF, he is functioning but he really does get v unwell if he does too much. but he has not tried to look for or attempt even part time work for some time...

i don't want to pressure him to work and then have him resent me for making him do something he hates.

i'm worried for him and about others perception in equal measure just being honest...

[SeeEmilyPlay]

In my opinion you should focus on the opening line of your post.

Spending your time worrying about how others perceive your life is a complete waste of time.

Put it like this, do you really care about the cars people drive or how many holidays they have.

From your kids point of view, having him around is such a positive thing. I don't remember my Dad being around until I was at least 15 years of age - he was always at work - and we were far from well off.

It's about balance - you have a good job and apart from him not working, he seems to tick every box going!! You are lucky!

[AccioPinotGrigio]

Don't measure yourself by weird, old -fashioned notions of what people of your class and profession "should" be doing. Those ideas are repressive nonsense and they mean nothing. As the saying goes - live by your own rules or be enslaved by another man's -.

As well as not worrying about the opinions of others, don't worry about the future either. By the time you come to have another child things may be very different. He may have made some money from music or he may have got a job - who knows.

I have financially supported my dh (an artist) in the past and I have never worried about doing that. He has always provided practical, emotional and moral support for me and our family and as long as that's in place who cares about money.

[Tortington]

he is clearly a lazy bastard tell him to get a god damned job like everyone else has to
lol@ ne'er do well

fucking bum

[Overmydeadbody]

So is he a stay-at-home husband then? Does he do all the childcare and housework? Because in that case he's not really unemployed, he's just not in conventional paid employment!

i think it might bother me if I tohught my partner didn't appreciate that they could only be in the position of not having to work because I was working and supporting them, so as long as you feel he appreciates how lucky he is and that you don't feel resentful about working it could work.

[chandellina]

sounds like you guys should sit down and talk about long-term goals and plans. Maybe he does intend to work again at some point - you could talk about how to bring that about in a way that doesn't make him feel too pressured.

Don't worry about others' perceptions, unless you secretly think he is a ne'er do well who is taking you for a ride. That's something different entirely.

No one raises an eyebrow if women are SAHM forever, even when kids are at school, etc.

[2pt4kids]

I dont think he is a SAHD if he only has the daughter 2 days a week. I assume the other days she is in full time childcare?

What does he do the days he doesnt have DD?
Would it be more beneficial for both of them maybe to have her in half days at childcare and he have her every morning for example before taking her to nursery/CM and then resting to catch up in the afternoons before doing bath/bed.
That way he'll be more of a traditional SAHD but will still get the rest he needs. DD will see more of him, plus he can cut back on the childcare sessions as he starts to feel better and become a full time SAHD without worrying as job searching outside the home.
Perhaps both of you will feel better about things if you define him as SAHD rather than 'unemployed' iyswim.

[auntyitaly]

Agree with many of the other posters - I think it might be an idea to try and pin down what your underlying concerns are. From experience, I think that working these out can, while being icily unpleasant to consider at the time, help sort things out. For instance:

Is it a worry that he'll never earn anything? If so, would it affect how long you want to stay with him?

To cut to the quick (sorry), do you think he is with you for a free ride? Would it scare you if he got a great job?

Is his nonactivity affecting your DD? Do you resent him for not improving your or your current/future children's lives?

What makes you think that asking for a functioning equal partner is 'shallow' or evil'?

what is the prognosis for his CE? Does the music have any financial future - if not, could he do something different in the same field that does?

While asking yourself the questions is the first important step, the next is getting him to open up. You need to talk, and the focus should be on his plans for the future.

Seems to me that looking after DD only 2 days a week is not anywhere near the lion's share of the domestic duties - ie he is not being an equal partner in either finance or domesticity. So the SAHM/D respect thing doesn't apply - SAHs are equal partners, he isn't.

If this reads bluntly, I can only apologise. I really feel for you and I suspect you are losing faith in yourself because - just maybe - your DP doesn't seem to be supporting you much,

[ElizabethCM]

thanks so much everyone. this has been really helpful. i don't, even for a second, think he is taking me for a ride. and he is a supportive and generous partner in all non-financial matters. and when he worked he was a generous financial partner.

i guess i just feel like if he doesn't think about what he wants now he might get to a place in ten years and think "what have i done with my life". perhaps that is just me? maybe he wont feel like that?

he won't really talk about it. it upsets him. his ego is fragile and i think he just feels like "what can i do?". he used to work in a gallery, but we have moved out of london and not really any such places near us.

everyone has been so lovely (except custardo he is not a bum!)thankyou for your support.

[ElizabethCM]

Thankyou Caprica. That is excellant advice. I might let him know (gently) about those courses and then leave it to him. I feel much better since everyone has posted on here with support.

he IS a nice man. I couldn't have found a better one.