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can you get over violence in a marriage?

(85 Posts)
timeforchange Wed 04-Feb-09 09:51:18

That is all i'm wondering really. Dh and i have been violent to eachother in the past (most recently 1 yr ago). Usually started by me in response to something completely dreadful he's said to me - not that that excuses it. However I've been left with a permanent injury which is likely to have been caused by him 5 years ago. We are trying to make things work (there are many other issues and we're seeing a counsellor together) but I'm not sure i can ever feel close or want to be close to him again. I also soemtimes have to take medication to get to sleep if we have a row as he says such awful things and otherewiae i'd be awake all night thinking about his horrible words. I suffer from nightmares about him. I'm wondering if there is any point to continuing with the counselling and the marriage?

LightShinesInTheDarkness Wed 04-Feb-09 09:59:05

No - get over hereand take note.

timeforchange Wed 04-Feb-09 10:02:14

Even thought i hit first?

Alambil Wed 04-Feb-09 10:06:02

He verbally attacked you first, no?

Do you really want to be on medication to sleep because of his vile attacks (attacks don't have to be physical)?

I'm guessing you don't still hit and physically attack him - but he continues to be verbally vile?

I'd leave personally - no-one deserves to stay in such a relationship, regardless of who started it or whatnot

TheProvincialLady Wed 04-Feb-09 10:06:38

I don't think you can get over it, no. Not just the violence but if the things he said to you are that terrible. If you hit first I think it suggests that neither of you is good for the other. Are you getting help for your own aggression?

LightShinesInTheDarkness Wed 04-Feb-09 10:07:27

Why are you thinking of staying with a man you are scared of? Relationships should make you happy, not sad.

Mamazon Wed 04-Feb-09 10:10:15

violence is violence is violence.

whetehr you hti him or he hit you, you simply cannot remain together.

you both need to seperate and move forward in your lives, after seeking help for your anger issues.

now please, re read you Op. why on earth would there be any reason to stay with soneone that you are having nightmares about?

i understand that this is a major decision ( i have been there myself) but come on!

clutteredup Wed 04-Feb-09 10:11:59

What Mamazon said.

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine Wed 04-Feb-09 10:13:30

Living in a battle zone is no good for anybody.

There is no excuse for violence, but (without condoning your actions) verbal batterings can be awful and relentless and you wouldn't be the first person to have lashed out in retaliation.

Medicating yourself in reaction to things in your relationship is not good.

TotalChaos Wed 04-Feb-09 10:14:19

agree with Reality and others.

timeforchange Wed 04-Feb-09 10:16:57

I Know you're all right and thanks for your replies. It's hard because he can be so nice and i know he want to work on making our replationship better. But i'm scared that when counselling's over it'll lapse back to how it was. An example of what he's said to me which caused me to hit are (when i took anti depressants for while) during a row he told me i needed them to make me likable Also he's never nasty unless provoked or we're having a row, in fact quite the opposite, avoids confrontation at all costs. Trouble is i prfer to talk and our talking often ends up in rows and nastiness

timeforchange Wed 04-Feb-09 10:20:19

However i think the fact he avoids cponfrontation unless we're arguing is actually a problem in itself as then any frustrations all come out in an angry way. He's known for years that i'm frightened when he shouts but even that doesn't stop him. I left him for a while and only came back 1.5 wks ago. In that time I've had 2 nightmares and taken medicine to get to sleep twice, but he is making an effort in some ways and has agreed to go to counselling

timeforchange Wed 04-Feb-09 10:50:31

anyone else got any thoughts?

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine Wed 04-Feb-09 10:57:13

Bottling up all your frustrations so that they only come out in a row is a dreadfully unhealthy way to be.

If the two of you can't have conversations that don't escalate into a row, ever, then it is time to move on I think.

It could be that he is passive aggressive and enjoys winding you up so that he can sit there and go, 'see, you're a nutter'.

Or it could be that the pair of you have a deep seated failure to communicate.

What are your interactions with other people like?

timeforchange Wed 04-Feb-09 11:04:00

My interacations with other people are fine, I think! I get on well with my mums nad sister and have a small circlce of good friends. Dh hs a distant relationship with his parents are never sees his brother. he has no actual friends, just people he sees at work

timeforchange Wed 04-Feb-09 11:06:14

I don;t thik he enjoys winding me up, i think it's just something that happens. i do genuinely believe he wants our marriage to work, it's me who feels the past overshadows everything. he thinks i should move on and just think to the future and not let our past destroy the future

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine Wed 04-Feb-09 11:10:13

That's probably quite a good indicator of personality.

If he is the only person who says you are unlikeable, yet has few working relationships himself, I think you can safely say that it is him with the problem.

If you don't want to be with him, but are looking for validation that you can leave, you have it.

unavailable Wed 04-Feb-09 11:10:20

My thought is that you are manky mummy,(and had several other monikers I cant now recall). My next thought is that it is rather deceitful to keep posting about the same issue under different names because you dont like the advice you get.

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine Wed 04-Feb-09 11:12:15

x-post.

That sounds ever so much like he's not taking any responsibility for his past actions. That is not good.

The only way you will ever move forward is if you can both accept fault for your individual actions.

If he is blaming you for feeling resentful about his actions, then he hasn't changed or learned anthing.

timeforchange Wed 04-Feb-09 11:13:29

I'm not manky mummy, whoever she is!!!

timeforchange Wed 04-Feb-09 11:16:50

Thank Reality. I suppose i am looking for validation that i should leave. it's such a huge step, esp with a 2 yo child. it's made more difficult by the fact that dh is making an effort but i don't think i can ever truly trust him and i'm scared that things could go back to how they were. I don't want that for me or my child. I'd rather leave now while he's so young too than wiat a few years when i'm sure the impact on him will be much greater

unavailable Wed 04-Feb-09 11:19:56

Sorry - my apologies to manky mummy too .
I mean Littlemucky (they are a bit similar.)

timeforchange Wed 04-Feb-09 11:23:06

Not littlemucky either. Have looked at her posts though and agree there are similarities!

unavailable Wed 04-Feb-09 11:27:16

Really? You must be living parallel lives then.

timeforchange Wed 04-Feb-09 11:34:21

Unfortunately it's not just me who is in this situation obviously

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