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Right, listen up everybody.

(520 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine Wed 04-Feb-09 08:00:20

I shall say this only once.

Actually, no I won't, I will keep repeating it until the message gets through.

Every person deserves to have a relationship where they are treated with respect, love and equality.

There is never an excuse for verbal, physical or financial abuse.

If you partner treats you like shit, it is their fault. It is not because of something you have done.

You can't change an abusive man by being 'better' or sticking by him where others haven't, or by changing yourself.

Most people have happy relationships, where disagreements happen and are resolved without resorting to shouting, name calling or violence or screwing someone else.

Most people's partners are happy for them to pursue their own friendships and interests, work and education, have access to money, make decisions.

Most people in a relationship stay faithful. They don't have affairs or cyber-sex or obsessively wank over porn day and night.

Don't be fooled into thinking that dysfunctional relationships are the norm. There are many of them on here, but then people don't tend to ask for advice on healthy relationships, so we hear less about them.

Relationships are not supposed to be hard work, that is a big fat myth. Yes, you should work at your relationship but that is not the same thing at all.

Nobody should live their life in fear of angering their partner, or skirting round issues that might upset him. Or put up with cheating and lying for fear of rocking the boat.

Nobody should 'stay together for the children', or because of your marriage vows. If your husband treats you badly, he has broken the vows. Children are much much happier being brought up by parents who live apart than in an atmosphere of fear and loathing.

Just because you've escaped a level 10 bastard, doesn't mean you should settle for the level 8 one that comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is none.

Just because all your friends are in bad relationships, doesn't mean that you have to be.

I really want to debunk the myth that all men are bastards. They simply aren't. If you feel that all the men you meet are, it's because you are unconsciously sending out vibes to these men. They can spot a target a mile off.

Be on your own. It is much easier than sticking by a tosser. If you have been in more than one abusive relationship, seek some counselling, you may be co-dependant, or you may be modelling relationships on a warped template, perhaps from childhood.

If he abuses you, he is not a good father. Good fathers don't treat the mother of their children with disrespect.

It doesn't matter how much he says sorry and makes it up to you, if he continues to abuse you those apologies are worthless.

Don't be fooled into thinking the abuse isn't 'bad enough to leave'. If you are treated in any way less than cherished, loved and respected, it is bad enough to leave.

There is never a reason to stay with an abusive man. He won't kill himself if you leave him, he won't take your children, and yes, everybody will believe you.

I probably have loads more to say on the subject but I will leave it there for now.

Much love to everybody.

Offred Fri 13-Jan-17 19:51:21

Just FYI there is a service which you can register for that will allow you to make a 999 call by text.

It is designed for deaf or hard of hearing people but I have read the terms and conditions which say 'primarily for the deaf and hard of hearing' so it doesn't preclude victims of domestic violence using it.

You will be deregistered if you make inappropriate calls (texts) three times.

You have to register for it but once registered you can just text to 999 - I think could be vital for those who are in immediate fear of escalating violence from a partner as there is no way of your partner hearing the call.

This is the website -

MsVanRein Mon 09-Jan-17 01:16:10

Omg thank you for this flowers

jules179 Tue 03-Jan-17 09:37:16

This is such a great post. Sadly when I first read it much of the content was a revelation to me.
Happily I am currently in a state of mind, and in a relationship where it is all clearly obvious.

Thank you for posting this.

Joycet Sat 31-Dec-16 16:03:55

Today I have woke up and smelt the coffee. It's only taken 36 years of trying to please and apologise for argument's he caused just to avoid days of silence. Never ever received an apology. I don't recognise myself. Have rented out my home to live in our Spanish holiday home thinking that would change his attitude but tonight I face a night alone. 2017 I am living for myself and intend to go back home. Reading all these posts make me realise how stupid I have been.

NavyandWhite Mon 19-Dec-16 11:04:38

I've never seen this post before even though it's very old. Glad it was made a sticky. Hope it still is.


AnyFucker Mon 19-Dec-16 11:01:31

Trixy, you need to start a whole new thread. Your post is just tagged on to the end of a very long post.

Tr1xibel Mon 19-Dec-16 00:38:31

Hi i am a newby here but Im so fed up with my husbands atitude to my son. I could write an essay on the dissfunctional relationships that have formed mine and my husbands life but i never wanted to perpetuate them into my childrens lives. I feel like Ive let my son down big time by sticking with this man who has been on his case from day one. Now at Uni he arrived home for Xmas but had failed to secure the holiday job he was suposed to be doing. Having been forewarned by a very nervous phone call I tried to reassure my son and even asked at the local store for vacancies before he arrived home.The news went down like a cup of sick and the tension was palpable. My husband insists he doesnt want him hanging around the house (this is his reason for having a job.) I dont think its a big deal and just want to enjoy Xmas seeing as the last few years have been pretty bad and my son has opted to go to his dads. Of course this has now happened again and Im fuming. We have a 5 yr old so there has been someone to divert my sorrow but I just want my kids together and having a nice time and now it looks like it will be just me and my younger daughter as husband said hes off tomorrow so son can stay! I wish, but son way to mature and resigned the trust that to happen. Hes told me he loves me and its not my fault but i feel resposible and helpless. also i want my son to be happy even if that means hes not with me. Cut off from family on both sides and fronting it out for years. How can i be nearly 50 and messing life up so badly? Sorry so long........

vonny81 Wed 14-Dec-16 21:45:02

Alan- sounds like jealousy or feeling threatened, either by the child or your behaviour changes maybe when your son is around? Could be wrong, just trying to think of possible reasons Iight feel

AlanFordsGangsterGlasses Wed 14-Dec-16 21:29:00

Hello smile

Can anyone explain why my partner goes berserk at the suggestion of my 13yo son staying with us? This seems to tip him over the edge with much yelling and offers for him to pay for me to leave and get alternative accommodation right away. WTF? Am not scared or sobbing cos have had this off and on for too long now. Just trying to think what the heck - why? Anyone else had similar and know why?

vonny81 Wed 14-Dec-16 18:30:40

Brilliant post I wish I had read it earlier! I have got my own thread i started about my ongoing saga. But does anyone have advice on getting a letter for legal aid from their doctor. I went to my doctor in may when my EA Ex sent me to say that I needed some drugs as I was mental. My mood was low I was hopelessly desperate to wave a magic wand and do whatever to make him happy and our relationship work. Still am despite him dumping me by text 7 weeks ago.
Well the doctor has noted my records as 'low mood due to marital problems' I can't remember the detail I exactly went into but I definitely did not state marital problems as my reason for being there! I've got calls logged with the police, who told social services as our son was there for these episodes, I had a domestic abuse worker and I was and still am seeing women's aid. Would that be enough evidence?

user1481400172 Sat 10-Dec-16 20:51:54

Thank you for a great text! Unfortunatly I live in a kind of similar relationship going from verbal/psychological abuse to a so called piece, going to relationship therapy, to having similar situation for the last 13 years and nothing change and it will not. I am working a lot, coming from abroad, not having any family or support around me, having two kids which one is with special needs. Probably I should leave him long time ago but never was brave enough to do this or having energy to fight for this

jamesagnes36 Tue 06-Dec-16 13:36:40

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Yourarejokingme Sun 20-Nov-16 12:40:19

Sunny seek counselling for yourself to brake the the cycle. That's what I did to realise I was reliving my childhood of a dis functionally relationship of my parents amd their abuse.

For the older generation it takes time for their attitudes to change and it'll be a long slog for that.

Esoteric Mon 14-Nov-16 21:46:56

Ha, after my first marriage broke down I remember my gran saying but he earns decent money and he doesn't hit you, no wonder some older people have weird ideas and go around town with faces like wet weekends

sunnydays2099 Mon 14-Nov-16 01:49:41

Its a reflection of every relationship I have had. What does that say about me?

ashnotcolor Wed 26-Oct-16 15:12:50

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Shriek Fri 14-Oct-16 19:12:26

On pc they are at the bottom of the page under the comment box using brackets and word shown to get the icon displayed

Shriek Fri 14-Oct-16 19:09:46

Tap the smiley face icon on your phone.

Dear iloveMarmite. I couldnt just read and run after reading your post to remain unanswered.

If you call WA they can talk you thro your options. Ita bot consisered that you should have to leave he should. He should also continue paying his share until a sale is agreed or another plan - maybe you rent rooms but financial handcuffs are a huge hurdle to leaving abuse behind and dont they rely on it to lock you into the relationship. Get help to get him out and dont share your plans with him.

Take care and good luck. Do keep posting and hope you get a lot more support here too

windygales Mon 10-Oct-16 23:04:30

Ah I don't know how to on computers just on my phone

user1476087651 Mon 10-Oct-16 10:07:23

windygales, hi it is justagirl here. no, i am not on a phone but my computer is old so that maybe it?

windygales Sun 09-Oct-16 22:25:55

Are you on your phone justagirl?

justagirl844 Sun 09-Oct-16 21:08:10

i had a parent who was EA and maybe Narc. i have been reading a lot on the subject

justagirl844 Sun 09-Oct-16 21:07:30

greenberet thanks for the article. it looks very interesting

justagirl844 Sun 09-Oct-16 20:48:02

hi Windygales thanks for the icons. how do i send icons?

windygales Sun 09-Oct-16 20:43:44


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