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Right, listen up everybody.

(387 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine Wed 04-Feb-09 08:00:20

I shall say this only once.

Actually, no I won't, I will keep repeating it until the message gets through.

Every person deserves to have a relationship where they are treated with respect, love and equality.

There is never an excuse for verbal, physical or financial abuse.

If you partner treats you like shit, it is their fault. It is not because of something you have done.

You can't change an abusive man by being 'better' or sticking by him where others haven't, or by changing yourself.

Most people have happy relationships, where disagreements happen and are resolved without resorting to shouting, name calling or violence or screwing someone else.

Most people's partners are happy for them to pursue their own friendships and interests, work and education, have access to money, make decisions.

Most people in a relationship stay faithful. They don't have affairs or cyber-sex or obsessively wank over porn day and night.

Don't be fooled into thinking that dysfunctional relationships are the norm. There are many of them on here, but then people don't tend to ask for advice on healthy relationships, so we hear less about them.

Relationships are not supposed to be hard work, that is a big fat myth. Yes, you should work at your relationship but that is not the same thing at all.

Nobody should live their life in fear of angering their partner, or skirting round issues that might upset him. Or put up with cheating and lying for fear of rocking the boat.

Nobody should 'stay together for the children', or because of your marriage vows. If your husband treats you badly, he has broken the vows. Children are much much happier being brought up by parents who live apart than in an atmosphere of fear and loathing.

Just because you've escaped a level 10 bastard, doesn't mean you should settle for the level 8 one that comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is none.

Just because all your friends are in bad relationships, doesn't mean that you have to be.

I really want to debunk the myth that all men are bastards. They simply aren't. If you feel that all the men you meet are, it's because you are unconsciously sending out vibes to these men. They can spot a target a mile off.

Be on your own. It is much easier than sticking by a tosser. If you have been in more than one abusive relationship, seek some counselling, you may be co-dependant, or you may be modelling relationships on a warped template, perhaps from childhood.

If he abuses you, he is not a good father. Good fathers don't treat the mother of their children with disrespect.

It doesn't matter how much he says sorry and makes it up to you, if he continues to abuse you those apologies are worthless.

Don't be fooled into thinking the abuse isn't 'bad enough to leave'. If you are treated in any way less than cherished, loved and respected, it is bad enough to leave.

There is never a reason to stay with an abusive man. He won't kill himself if you leave him, he won't take your children, and yes, everybody will believe you.

I probably have loads more to say on the subject but I will leave it there for now.

Much love to everybody.

Dazoo Thu 19-Mar-15 11:41:41

Shouting and calling names is verbal abuse, by definition. Sulking and refusing to engage is probably a "punishment" for not seeing things their way or refusing to do something they want. If it's done more than once it would seem to be a tactic to make the other person uncomfortable and it's emotional abuse.

lovepeaceandvodka Thu 19-Mar-15 10:54:10

Thank you for your post Reality, it's very good. I have a question and sorry if it is silly. If someone shouts and calls you names, goes into sulks for days and won't discuss things is that comparable to verbal/emotional abuse?

greenberet Thu 19-Mar-15 09:27:21

I have just read this - it tells you everything you need to know and is pretty easy reading incomparison to some of the others
Living with the Dominator

loranceavi Mon 16-Mar-15 12:44:05

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Octoberlight Sat 14-Mar-15 16:31:36

Hearing you all speak up frankly stand up to abusive behaviours are making me cry. My partner constantly call me cunt as I have expressed countless times that how much it hurts me. He can't handle a healthy debate but to put me down, assuming the issues before the first sentence, twisting my words putting harsh judgements all finers towards me instead have a good look at the issues, most of the time senseless. Not to mention past physical voilence and cheating!
I have endure pain that wants to hurt myself,,,but no,,no one deserve this kind of treatment. I'm taking the stand and backing off the nonsense confrontation or conversation, putting my energy and just love myself each day little by little. I only realise that he is a completely selfish person, which makes a lot harder to deal with.

hoteltango Mon 23-Feb-15 22:06:07


daiseehope Mon 09-Feb-15 09:46:03

That should say "Lweji" not "left", sorry! X

daiseehope Mon 09-Feb-15 09:35:36

Hi left and thanks. I am OK just had a massive thunderbolt moment last night. That post was meant to be Reality. I was sitting sobbing outside as he shouted and yelled and threw the dinner I had made everywhere. I clicked on it was there. I have told him to leave.

Lweji Mon 09-Feb-15 00:29:34

Are you OK? Do you want to start a thread?

daiseehope Mon 09-Feb-15 00:21:37

Thank you. That is me, now. I needed that and have taken a screenshot to help my resolve when after a Nasty day he will be nice. But tonight went too far and I so needed to read your post. So thanks xxxz

saggyboobs182 Sun 08-Feb-15 22:32:55

totally agree we shouldn't shut up put up and just get on with it and except the situation. But I thing every situation is different if you have no confidence and a man is grinding you down verbally emotionally and physically and you have no family to support you then it can be harder to get out than you think.

Abitcomplex Sun 08-Feb-15 20:59:09

Amen !!!smile

Trills Fri 06-Feb-15 22:29:53

I've only just noticed that this has been stickied!

flowers for Reality and for MNHQ

GoatsDoRoam Thu 05-Feb-15 12:02:41

Hi Lonely,

You should start a new thread with your questions. There should be a link called "Start a new thread in this topic" right below this message. Make sure to describe why you think she is no longer interested in you, and whether you have asked her about it, in your new thread.

lonely1116 Thu 05-Feb-15 09:52:52

hello! my partner is 29 years old and I am 30. we're living logether for nearly 7 years and it becomes quite hard( unfortunately we don't see each other as attractive as usual anymore. and my friens said thet it is important to get her more interested in me again. she should see a great person in front of her again. I have read some articles about this and my russian friend recommended me this tips but I'm not sure if they will work( maybe you can can help me.? I love her and want to revive our relationship! give me please some advise, please! I try to believe in myself, I really do, but I don't know if I deserve her any more... please, don't hesitate, cause I really need advise

GoatsDoRoam Tue 03-Feb-15 13:50:44

Well, thank you for being moved to write it 6 years ago, Reality. Because 5 years ago, I printed it out and kept it in my wallet, while I gathered the strength to leave my abusive ex-h.

So you have my thanks.

engeika Tue 03-Feb-15 07:46:18

Thank you.

FuckitAndStartAgain Sat 31-Jan-15 11:38:51

Six years ago I read it and wondered. Now currently in middle of a heart breaking security destroying divorce. OH got 'back' together with his GF, now she is pregnant and I feel fucked! (I have dealt with many floods since then too, and currently listening to the dehumidifers and fans trying to dry out the concrete slab from the most recent! Added as many threads have a watery headline). I have read and reread your words, I still find it hard to truly believe they form a possible analysis of a relationship. Thirty years of going down the wrong path to undo in my head.

BUT seeing them stickied, reading some tales of 'happy every after' is helping me to keep going. I even have brief flashes of 'she is welcome to home' rather than 'I miss him'!

Thank you for writing them, thank you for stickieing them MN.

Reality Fri 30-Jan-15 22:29:54

I can't believe it was six years ago I was moved to write this. Fucking hell I feel old.

fromparistoberlin73 Wed 21-Jan-15 20:42:26

True words

padrushke2 Tue 20-Jan-15 09:52:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

padrushke2 Tue 20-Jan-15 09:38:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

summersfaraway Sun 18-Jan-15 05:59:57

This is exactly what I need to hear right now. Thank you

YonicSleighdriver Sun 11-Jan-15 23:53:50


Mouseface Thu 08-Jan-15 23:07:42

I'm so glad you've posted this again! I live by this now. No man will ever control, hit, abuse me mentally, or emotionally ever again.

I am worth more than that. I like and I love me. I am me.

Thank you Reality xxx

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