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Right, listen up everybody.

(413 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine Wed 04-Feb-09 08:00:20

I shall say this only once.

Actually, no I won't, I will keep repeating it until the message gets through.

Every person deserves to have a relationship where they are treated with respect, love and equality.

There is never an excuse for verbal, physical or financial abuse.

If you partner treats you like shit, it is their fault. It is not because of something you have done.

You can't change an abusive man by being 'better' or sticking by him where others haven't, or by changing yourself.

Most people have happy relationships, where disagreements happen and are resolved without resorting to shouting, name calling or violence or screwing someone else.

Most people's partners are happy for them to pursue their own friendships and interests, work and education, have access to money, make decisions.

Most people in a relationship stay faithful. They don't have affairs or cyber-sex or obsessively wank over porn day and night.

Don't be fooled into thinking that dysfunctional relationships are the norm. There are many of them on here, but then people don't tend to ask for advice on healthy relationships, so we hear less about them.

Relationships are not supposed to be hard work, that is a big fat myth. Yes, you should work at your relationship but that is not the same thing at all.

Nobody should live their life in fear of angering their partner, or skirting round issues that might upset him. Or put up with cheating and lying for fear of rocking the boat.

Nobody should 'stay together for the children', or because of your marriage vows. If your husband treats you badly, he has broken the vows. Children are much much happier being brought up by parents who live apart than in an atmosphere of fear and loathing.

Just because you've escaped a level 10 bastard, doesn't mean you should settle for the level 8 one that comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is none.

Just because all your friends are in bad relationships, doesn't mean that you have to be.

I really want to debunk the myth that all men are bastards. They simply aren't. If you feel that all the men you meet are, it's because you are unconsciously sending out vibes to these men. They can spot a target a mile off.

Be on your own. It is much easier than sticking by a tosser. If you have been in more than one abusive relationship, seek some counselling, you may be co-dependant, or you may be modelling relationships on a warped template, perhaps from childhood.

If he abuses you, he is not a good father. Good fathers don't treat the mother of their children with disrespect.

It doesn't matter how much he says sorry and makes it up to you, if he continues to abuse you those apologies are worthless.

Don't be fooled into thinking the abuse isn't 'bad enough to leave'. If you are treated in any way less than cherished, loved and respected, it is bad enough to leave.

There is never a reason to stay with an abusive man. He won't kill himself if you leave him, he won't take your children, and yes, everybody will believe you.

I probably have loads more to say on the subject but I will leave it there for now.

Much love to everybody.

Freddo123 Thu 27-Aug-15 07:16:46

Just wanted to say I agree with this post 100% and I hope someone who is in an abusive relationship will see this and realise they are not at fault. ☺

DebFruit so did mine, and it's still not my fault, or yours xx

CharlotteCollins Fri 14-Aug-15 23:02:53

Sorry to hear that, Deb. flowers

But I think the point the OP was making was that that is not a reason to stay.

It was not your fault. You did not make it happen. You are not responsible for what he did.

DebFruit Fri 14-Aug-15 19:45:11

You are so right, but mine did kill himself, so please don't say that sad I know everyone's different... just sayin' x

despicableshe Sat 01-Aug-15 12:16:24

I'd read the OP a while ago, but the truth of it hadn't sunk in until I was finally separated from STBXH.

I'm learning that "for better or worse" doesn't mean putting up with being spoken to or treated like crap.

justanaveragegirl Sun 26-Jul-15 16:49:35

I was just lurking and had to reply to you mousebacon

Well done to you. You clearly have had a traumatic time but well done for gaining strength and chucking him out. I wish you and your dc all the best for a brighter happier future flowers

mousebacon Sat 25-Jul-15 23:49:57

Finally got my emotionally, verbally and sexually abusive husband to leave this week.

My children are happy, the house is peaceful and I am free from fear and stress I didn't even know I was feeling.

elQuintoConyo Fri 10-Jul-15 20:43:53


NoraLouca Tue 07-Jul-15 20:06:15

I wish I'd read this when I was with ex H. Thank you for posting. smile

sharksanddolphins Tue 07-Jul-15 08:53:51

I'm going to print off the op and stick it on my wall.

Thank you Reality flowers

magiccatlitter Sun 21-Jun-15 12:27:36

OP, thanks. This post has uplifted my sagging esteem a bit.

I do deserve to be treated with love and respect. I don't have to put up with some sulky man child dragging me down.

itstimeformetoleave Wed 17-Jun-15 22:16:12

This just made me cry, I fit into a lot of those things you said and I finally told Dh to leave today before I read this. Just what I needed to see. Thank you.

isopogon Sun 10-May-15 15:35:57

OP, thanks. Just what I needed to hear tonight and I will sleep better for the affirmation. Haven't read the whole thread but will be back tomorrow.

NotBanksy Fri 08-May-15 11:59:20


Well said OP ��

Oneeyedbloke Mon 27-Apr-15 19:27:58


Agree with every word. I would add only this: never underestimate what duh-brains men can be emotionally. There are bastards, and there are fools (I speak as a fool). The bastards probably will never change, but the fools can. They just need stuff pointing out to them, then again. And again. Eventually, the penny drops, and you get more civilised behaviour.

Feckthis Fri 24-Apr-15 13:24:25

I'm printing off the OP ... it's sooooo right. Thanks.

Zeldie Wed 22-Apr-15 08:28:20

great post Reality, you've brilliantly expressed all our thoughts into words. Really an impressive and inspiring post. Totally agree with it.

Thanks for this, it has reminded me why I need to get out. This is never going to change.

Tigger83 Sat 11-Apr-15 21:58:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCowThatLaughs Fri 10-Apr-15 01:01:44

You're right, you need to stay angry to get you through. Are you going to report him do you think?

Temporaryanonymity Fri 10-Apr-15 00:32:54

I'm fine, he doesn't live with me and I've changed the locks as he had a key. I do miss the good side of him though, and when I weaken I look at the photo of my bruise without the make up or touch the bit of my face that hurts.

TheCowThatLaughs Fri 10-Apr-15 00:10:25

What a bastard, Temporary sad
Are you ok, does he live with you?

Temporaryanonymity Fri 10-Apr-15 00:05:45

I've just read the OP and wanted to thank you, reality.

I'm a strong, capable woman. I'm a lone parent with two children. Last week a man who professes to love me very much punched me in the face. I have a bruised jaw and a lump. My lip split and was bleeding. I'm so flipping cross because he managed to manipulate things afterwards to a point where I apologised to him.

Luckily my DCs are away on holidays and the time alone has been helpful. I don't want to be with a man like this. I don't want to cover up bruises with make up.

Rightallalong Fri 03-Apr-15 00:05:57

So soooooo true. If only I'd not taken so long to realise.

pandadating Mon 30-Mar-15 23:18:53

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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