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Right, listen up everybody.

(338 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine Wed 04-Feb-09 08:00:20

I shall say this only once.

Actually, no I won't, I will keep repeating it until the message gets through.

Every person deserves to have a relationship where they are treated with respect, love and equality.

There is never an excuse for verbal, physical or financial abuse.

If you partner treats you like shit, it is their fault. It is not because of something you have done.

You can't change an abusive man by being 'better' or sticking by him where others haven't, or by changing yourself.

Most people have happy relationships, where disagreements happen and are resolved without resorting to shouting, name calling or violence or screwing someone else.

Most people's partners are happy for them to pursue their own friendships and interests, work and education, have access to money, make decisions.

Most people in a relationship stay faithful. They don't have affairs or cyber-sex or obsessively wank over porn day and night.

Don't be fooled into thinking that dysfunctional relationships are the norm. There are many of them on here, but then people don't tend to ask for advice on healthy relationships, so we hear less about them.

Relationships are not supposed to be hard work, that is a big fat myth. Yes, you should work at your relationship but that is not the same thing at all.

Nobody should live their life in fear of angering their partner, or skirting round issues that might upset him. Or put up with cheating and lying for fear of rocking the boat.

Nobody should 'stay together for the children', or because of your marriage vows. If your husband treats you badly, he has broken the vows. Children are much much happier being brought up by parents who live apart than in an atmosphere of fear and loathing.

Just because you've escaped a level 10 bastard, doesn't mean you should settle for the level 8 one that comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is none.

Just because all your friends are in bad relationships, doesn't mean that you have to be.

I really want to debunk the myth that all men are bastards. They simply aren't. If you feel that all the men you meet are, it's because you are unconsciously sending out vibes to these men. They can spot a target a mile off.

Be on your own. It is much easier than sticking by a tosser. If you have been in more than one abusive relationship, seek some counselling, you may be co-dependant, or you may be modelling relationships on a warped template, perhaps from childhood.

If he abuses you, he is not a good father. Good fathers don't treat the mother of their children with disrespect.

It doesn't matter how much he says sorry and makes it up to you, if he continues to abuse you those apologies are worthless.

Don't be fooled into thinking the abuse isn't 'bad enough to leave'. If you are treated in any way less than cherished, loved and respected, it is bad enough to leave.

There is never a reason to stay with an abusive man. He won't kill himself if you leave him, he won't take your children, and yes, everybody will believe you.

I probably have loads more to say on the subject but I will leave it there for now.

Much love to everybody.

CateBlanket Tue 07-Oct-14 13:49:06

Most useful left in Relationships. classics is usually for daft stuff that some people find hilarious.

IMNOTYOURBABES Tue 07-Oct-14 13:38:31

Could it have a permanent spot at the top of 'relationships' ??

beautyfades Tue 07-Oct-14 13:37:58

Love this. X

AndTheBandPlayedOn Tue 07-Oct-14 13:32:52

Hi Rowan,
There are times when a thread comes up and it is felt that OP of that thread should read this so a regular MNer will bump it ( or link it-but I'm not that great with links).
Will it be as easy to find in "Classics"? (I am not familiar with that.)

AndTheBandPlayedOn Tue 07-Oct-14 13:27:36


RowanMumsnet (MNHQ) Tue 07-Oct-14 10:04:23

What do we think about moving this to Classics? Or is it better left in Relationships?

Momagain1 Sat 04-Oct-14 21:35:05


IPokeBadgers Fri 03-Oct-14 21:06:25

So glad to see this again. A few posters really need to read this wonderfully wise piece of writing.

CatKisser Wed 01-Oct-14 18:26:08

So glad this has been bumped, there are so many very sad threads at the moment.

NorksAreMesssy Wed 01-Oct-14 18:24:42

And another bump to help it on its way to those who need it

rumbleinthrjungle Wed 01-Oct-14 17:57:26

Bump, a couple of posters could use this post right now.

Redoubtable Sun 07-Sep-14 21:48:33

Good fathers don't treat the mother of their children with disrespect


If I had one wish that could be granted, it would be that ex-H could understand how to be respectful to someone he resents.

It is so damaging to my beautiful DC to see how nonchalantly rude and disrespectful their father is to me.

NorksAreMesssy Sun 07-Sep-14 21:34:55

Yes, about time for a bump of this EXCELLENT post.

sus14 Sun 07-Sep-14 21:19:07

Thanks for bumping, this will help me enormously as I finally move towards leaving- like having a good friend tell you what's what so that you finally see through the fog. I needed this .

F0ssil Sun 07-Sep-14 20:57:48

I read this in 2009 when I was only 18 months out of an abusive relationship and I thought to myself 'it's fine for lucky women to think like that', like they were a different species from me. Now I've become one of you that believes that absolutely.

Jux Sun 07-Sep-14 20:01:06

I don't know why this tab was open on my machine, but I'm glad it was.

About time that post of Reality's was in Active again.

CheapBread Wed 18-Jun-14 22:38:20


Everything I've ever thought when reading anything remotely DV in a post, marvellous. Hope it gives those that need it a big old shove in the right direction.

Sylvana Wed 18-Jun-14 22:24:58

I read this amazing post back when the OP first posted it. I have read it many times since and refer back to it in my mind quite often. It's common sense. So much so that you assume everyone would know 'the rules '. Sadly, this is not the case. I have known friends / colleagues over the years who have to deal with the above scenarios in their relationships every day. This post should be made a sticky in Relationships.

ShakeYourTailFeathers Wed 18-Jun-14 19:26:21

I have not read this before. Very wise words.

Frecklymum Wed 18-Jun-14 19:12:18


May I add, even if he says he is so, so sorry and will change, bear in mind that this is likely only to last for around 6 months.

It's taken me 23 years to realise that it's not acceptable to be called names in front of the children, told I'm fat and spotty, have ruined his life, been stamped on, controlled and manipulated and, yes, just not loved. I am in the process of moving on and this post has really helped.


AndTheBandPlayedOn Wed 18-Jun-14 12:55:52


getthefeckouttahere Thu 22-May-14 13:54:42

id think it was a very odd relationship that contained no shouting at some point during disagreements. Each to their own though.

Spot on with the rest.

GarlicMayonnaise Wed 21-May-14 18:15:25

Overdue bump.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Mon 07-Apr-14 18:02:24

Bump grin

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sat 22-Mar-14 23:31:44

Thank you Garlic for finding this for me, and a timely bump.

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