Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Right, listen up everybody.

(452 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine Wed 04-Feb-09 08:00:20

I shall say this only once.

Actually, no I won't, I will keep repeating it until the message gets through.

Every person deserves to have a relationship where they are treated with respect, love and equality.

There is never an excuse for verbal, physical or financial abuse.

If you partner treats you like shit, it is their fault. It is not because of something you have done.

You can't change an abusive man by being 'better' or sticking by him where others haven't, or by changing yourself.

Most people have happy relationships, where disagreements happen and are resolved without resorting to shouting, name calling or violence or screwing someone else.

Most people's partners are happy for them to pursue their own friendships and interests, work and education, have access to money, make decisions.

Most people in a relationship stay faithful. They don't have affairs or cyber-sex or obsessively wank over porn day and night.

Don't be fooled into thinking that dysfunctional relationships are the norm. There are many of them on here, but then people don't tend to ask for advice on healthy relationships, so we hear less about them.

Relationships are not supposed to be hard work, that is a big fat myth. Yes, you should work at your relationship but that is not the same thing at all.

Nobody should live their life in fear of angering their partner, or skirting round issues that might upset him. Or put up with cheating and lying for fear of rocking the boat.

Nobody should 'stay together for the children', or because of your marriage vows. If your husband treats you badly, he has broken the vows. Children are much much happier being brought up by parents who live apart than in an atmosphere of fear and loathing.

Just because you've escaped a level 10 bastard, doesn't mean you should settle for the level 8 one that comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is none.

Just because all your friends are in bad relationships, doesn't mean that you have to be.

I really want to debunk the myth that all men are bastards. They simply aren't. If you feel that all the men you meet are, it's because you are unconsciously sending out vibes to these men. They can spot a target a mile off.

Be on your own. It is much easier than sticking by a tosser. If you have been in more than one abusive relationship, seek some counselling, you may be co-dependant, or you may be modelling relationships on a warped template, perhaps from childhood.

If he abuses you, he is not a good father. Good fathers don't treat the mother of their children with disrespect.

It doesn't matter how much he says sorry and makes it up to you, if he continues to abuse you those apologies are worthless.

Don't be fooled into thinking the abuse isn't 'bad enough to leave'. If you are treated in any way less than cherished, loved and respected, it is bad enough to leave.

There is never a reason to stay with an abusive man. He won't kill himself if you leave him, he won't take your children, and yes, everybody will believe you.

I probably have loads more to say on the subject but I will leave it there for now.

Much love to everybody.

Timetosay58 Thu 28-Jan-16 14:32:48

Friends you will make again.Real friends.Your best friend has been yourself,getting out of this relationship.Well done you.x

Heatherjayne1972 Tue 26-Jan-16 18:36:55

Yeah you're right. cant quite believe I was that person. Treading on eggshells so I wouldn't upset him. Always doing things his way - my way was always wrong he was ( still thinks is) always right. Sad thing is he said everyone would believe him and they did - lost a lot of friends because of that man I know they weren't real friends but still hurts

positivo Sat 23-Jan-16 18:34:23

Thank you x

icandothis64 Tue 12-Jan-16 19:37:57

MN needs a like button! I have saved this OP as my screen saver.

mum2mum99 Mon 11-Jan-16 23:45:08

EvansOvalPiesYumYum I fear that giving her a choice will make her isolated and vulnerable. she can do with your support, although you can't make her. You can try giving her certain books or suggesting therapy when she is at her lowest. It could help if she is willing to accept it.
It must be heart-breaking for you to see that she always goes back to him flowers

EvansOvalPiesYumYum Thu 07-Jan-16 13:19:43

I am going to print out Valentine's fantastic OP for my daughter. We have just been to hell and back over Christmas, because of her controlling and abusive partner. She was in a coma because of drugs he gave to her (he apparently is a drugs dealer, we have recently discovered). She nearly died, and we were told that if she did live there was a very high possibility that she would be brain-damaged. Thankfully, she is now fine, but guess what - she has gone back to him. We gave her the choice of him or us, and she's chosen him. No matter how many times we rescue her from situations with him, she always goes back to him. I really don't know if I can do this again. At the moment we are non-contact, trying the 'cruel to be kind' route, but I am finding it very difficult indeed.

Sookeygirl1 Wed 06-Jan-16 09:49:16

ooopppss! a few typos in my post just then ....there is no edit button lol!

Just want to add ...I was really upset for about 60 mins after finding out and had a good old cry ...but then spoke to a friend who said to me ...would you really want to go out with a guy who was so insensitive to

a. be capable of doing that to an ex
b. be capable of doing that to his current partner

The only person he is thinking about is his narcissistic self ....and of course my friend is dead right

Even if its his most favourite place in the world ...a nice guy would not do it.
Incidentally ...they went to another place in the summer for a week long holiday ....again a place that he and I had been to that he knew I really liked ....tellingly he hated it and they came back after 3 days! ha ha!

Sookeygirl1 Wed 06-Jan-16 09:36:44

One of the problems that can happen once a certain trait in personality starts often gets worse and gathers momentum...until one day it crashes ...and self analysis takes place ...however some mid lifers ...never get to the crash point ...and the cycle continues.
The latest for me if the ex (I am just starting the divorce now) is taking 22 week pregnant gf on holiday on the same holiday we went on 4 years ago to the US and with the same friends ...its very hurtful as I was really under par at the time but I didnt moan kept happy and took pain killers ....but at that point we were happy and it was a really fun and special holiday..... so why take his new gf on a replica holiday? ...any thought anyone or has anyone been through this.... if I was the gf I would hate to go somewhere where the wife had been. s it to eradicate the memories hurt me ....he still directs anger towards me all the time ....its a year later now ...he left me to be with her ...yet the anger at me most things ... the negativity is an eyeopener ...dont get it ....

GreenMouse Wed 06-Jan-16 08:48:40


MNHQ please re-sticky this smile

LineyReborn Tue 05-Jan-16 18:49:20

Mamapotter you sound like you've started that essential journey really perceptively. flowers

Mamapotter2008 Tue 05-Jan-16 16:36:52

I wish I'd understood this three years ago, and had the self esteem to say it was unacceptable for him to wank to porn in secret on a regular basis and let me think the lack of sex was due to a combination of illness and me not being desirable. This also cheated me out of the chance to have a discussion with him about whether we should have more children, when he knew my opinion was that if one party wasn't sure, then it shouldn't happen.

My reaction to this was classified as a mental illness (in all my assessment appointments, he was there - even if I hadn't been I was so ashamed that I didn't tell a soul), and I ended up with a very uncomfortable label.

I feel as though I've wasted those years and tolerated a lot of control, only for him to discard me in the most painful and humiliating way possible. My self esteem must have been pretty poor to have not said "either this changes and/or we go to therapy, or you go" (although knowing him, he would have classified that as an unreasonable threat). Now, after allowing this to continue, together with letting every major decision go his way because the cost of him being unhappy was too great, I have even lower self esteem.

And when I met his bit on the side, one thing really stood out - her body language, her way of talking - she has low self esteem. Initially I was puzzled by this, as he told me in the past that my lack of self esteem was unattractive. On reflection this makes sense. It's an essential trait in anyone he'd go for, another one would be generosity.

The best defence against this behaviour? To make sure you are completely happy in your own skin, before you let anyone into your life.

2016's theme is going to be self acceptance and personal growth.

LineyReborn Tue 05-Jan-16 00:21:51

This should stay stickied, agreed.

uglyswan Tue 05-Jan-16 00:13:54

Just bumping this excellent post until it can be restickied (MNHQ?)

Clarity4 Sun 27-Dec-15 10:12:37

This is a great post thank you. My husband died around 8 years ago and have since then been working and bringing up my children. I was feeling settled and happy so at last decided to go on OLD over the summer and met someone I thought was wonderful, we seemed to get on really well and I felt really happy with him. However, within a few months I saw a side to him which was abusive and threatening. I finished it. I feel like a complete fool for being taken in by his charm and empty promises
this post reminds me daily of what we all deserve

GarlicCake Sun 20-Dec-15 00:25:52

What a lot of hideous experiences you've survived, Sook flowers Glad Mumsnet's been helpful! It's great to hear you're in counselling, too. Keep going. You can recover. As you do, you become wiser and stronger. You will shine! This is a weird time of year, emotionally. Half the world has a "Christmas schema" and it can fuck with your brain. Please make sure you've got self-nurturing plans in place, and celebrate your self. Keep reading the OP!

Sookeygirl1 Fri 18-Dec-15 01:34:43

I have been abused for 17 years out of a 20 year marriage. My ex left me just before xmas last year aged 48 having a mid life crisis with a 32 year old girl. I had been seriously ill and was in the middle of cancer treatment.

His girlfriend is pregnant. I have tried to speak to so called friends about his abuse ... they don't believe me ...he is totally charming and believable actor! He has smashed up 5 doors in the house, thrown items across the room in a rage, books, papers, wooden breadboards china.

What am I doing when this happens? .... having a discussion and not agreeing with him or his point of view ...becoming very defensive due to the way he is arguing. If I cry or say I am frightened he would get even more angry. He has no empathy at all ... before we split and had my chemo followed by 24 months of transfusion treatment. etc I was told I had 12 weeks before it becomes fatal .. he was very loving for nearly 2 years ...then when he realised I was getting better his behavior started slipping.

I was always really physically well during the treatment ... but mentally was a daily battle. That said I was on the whole happy and positive and I am a clever cookie running 2 companies. His girlfriend has no idea yet of what is to come ....he is still on his best behaviour he was with me at the beginning.

When he left I asked him to take a step back and look at what I had been through ...fighting this condition for 8 years ...the treatment 3 operations...countless scans and tests know what he said ...'not the cancer story again'.

He has said the most vicious things to me after drinking ...however even when he wasn't drinking ..he would still do it. I have lots of photos safely stored in a few friends houses showing all this this destruction...I will use them in the divorce if I have to. Why did I stay ... I loved him ...when he was nice ...and its those lovely moments that your mind tricks you into remembering...and not the bad times ...that's what abuse is all about.

What I have found so very very hard in all of this is that so called mutual friends have sided with him ...they have totally turned their backs on me ... and one of them has just retired as a senior Social Worker ...and this is what gets me ...she cannot tell the difference between a man manipulating and making up lies about me ...saying its all me ...that I am necrotic and make everything up ...and don't live in reality and a woman who is being systematically abused!

Its this manipulation ...and a form of grooming ...that makes you question your sanity and you start to think it must be me ...maybe I was to blame ...... however you are in the middle of a maze and cant see your way out ....only when you are on the outside ...can you see inside and realise what was happening.

When he rants at me ...telling me I am pathetic, that I make things up, that is all my fault that the marriage broke up his eyes are quite wild looking and wide can tell its all self projection....its the most frightening thing ever ...sometimes I would curl up into a ball in front of him ... afterwards .... he would just say sorry ...say how I know how to press his buttons and then would act as if nothing happened! I was too embarrassed to tell anyone ... people see me as this smart successful woman.

Whereas he has jumped immediately just before we broke up into an affair relationship (to fill the huge void) affair which he admitted and now unbelievably denies, and has taken all his baggage into that relationship ....trying to get his 'happiness' from a 3rd person and therefore an external situation ...I have had a years journey to try to find my happiness within myself I realise if I can be happy with who I am core self ...then I will become a stronger person.

Guys ...this last year has emotionally been for me far harder than my battle with cancer ..(which I have now totally overcome and am the very best of health and treatment finished 8 weeks ago now) I had never experienced such severe depression as this. I counted that this year I have cried for over 1300 hours that sad or what!
At times I have felt like ending it all many times ...but a hand full of true friends and my sister and my Councillor have been there for me bringing me back from the brink.

When he left I was in the most vulnerable position ever ... having treatment, no hair, forced menopause from the chemo...feeling very unattractive...and very dependent on him to take me to the hospital over an hour away. I am 58 ...his girlfriend 33 (my daughters age) Since last year ...I have lost weight, have my hair back ...and look 15 years younger and better than I have in the last 10 years ...this is what being healthy is like again. I still have very up and down days ... but am having more good days now than bad.

He is a narcissist and I was his feeder ...and in the last year of our marriage due to an anonymous text telling me there was something going on with a girl...I started to withdraw to protect myself .... now when you do this to a narcissist ..they go looking elsewhere for their fix ...and this is exactly what he did.

I am not there yet .... but would I ever go back to an abusive cruel man who cheated on me the first few months probably yes ...such was my mind set and my still very deep love for him .... but now My Councillor of the best in the UK ... tells me that everyone can actually change (even a serial adulterer...that's how people stop drinking or give up a lifetime of smoking or get over a phobia) ) with the correct help BUT its a long long process ...however they have got to want to ....and my husband does not!

This website has saved me so many times .... thank you all so much for your support have become my best friends .... and I don't think I would be here without you all.

IsitNormal2FeelLikeThis Thu 17-Dec-15 21:58:17

Found this article today and I thought I would add a link as I found it useful and informative and easy to read.

Trystessa Fri 27-Nov-15 21:41:10

I think this is a wonderful post and have had nothing but support on mums net ! Life is so difficult sometimes and to be able to reach out when you feel like there is no one that can listen is invaluable ! It's so hard to get yourself out of a hole , so many things to consider that people just put up with the status quo, there is one factor in my life that has weakened me beyond belief , my job was always fairly good money , I could just about afford to support myself independently but last year we were transferred to another company , with a recent change in the law they have been able to do what they like and my money has been reduced by 6000 a year , I now cannot afford to just leave and set myself up, at 50 I am looking for another job but the wages have all gone down and company's do not seem interested in older women, do not get me wrong I am not giving up but it is a very hard slog ! I will get there I know my hard work will pay off and I can move forward , sometimes though as women we feel stuck especially in today's world !

TeamBacon Wed 18-Nov-15 23:06:07

This remains the best OP I've ever read on here

Homely1 Wed 18-Nov-15 23:04:55

How are you mumalready?

mum2mum99 Sun 15-Nov-15 17:36:23

Mumalready he sounds soo self-centred. Instead of supporting you he is concentrating on his own insecurities! He is really letting you down when you have just miscarried! flowers

ashamed1986 Sat 14-Nov-15 20:51:10

Mumalready you seriously need to ditch that heartless twunt. Sorry hunni but you deserve so so much better. What kind of person does that to someone after they have miscarried their child. Honest sweetie please ditch him cos he sounds an awful person. Hugs flowers

Onedayinmay Wed 11-Nov-15 12:11:40

how do we stop this behaviour? my children have a good life with their dad, if I stay and put up with it they are happy. if I go and take them their lives will be shattered.

Father88883 Mon 09-Nov-15 08:06:15

I know what you say is right. In my case it's an abusive wife. Sometimes it's hard to see the abuse when you love someone and it takes someone to point it out. It is still hard breaking up with someone you love but we all deserve better. Thanks

Homely1 Sat 31-Oct-15 21:07:27

I'm so sorry..... It sounds that he needs to be out of your life altogether. He's not a partner. This is heartbreaking. Have you been in contact with any miscarriage support groups? Do you start a new thread on here for support?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now