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Right, listen up everybody.

(494 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine Wed 04-Feb-09 08:00:20

I shall say this only once.

Actually, no I won't, I will keep repeating it until the message gets through.

Every person deserves to have a relationship where they are treated with respect, love and equality.

There is never an excuse for verbal, physical or financial abuse.

If you partner treats you like shit, it is their fault. It is not because of something you have done.

You can't change an abusive man by being 'better' or sticking by him where others haven't, or by changing yourself.

Most people have happy relationships, where disagreements happen and are resolved without resorting to shouting, name calling or violence or screwing someone else.

Most people's partners are happy for them to pursue their own friendships and interests, work and education, have access to money, make decisions.

Most people in a relationship stay faithful. They don't have affairs or cyber-sex or obsessively wank over porn day and night.

Don't be fooled into thinking that dysfunctional relationships are the norm. There are many of them on here, but then people don't tend to ask for advice on healthy relationships, so we hear less about them.

Relationships are not supposed to be hard work, that is a big fat myth. Yes, you should work at your relationship but that is not the same thing at all.

Nobody should live their life in fear of angering their partner, or skirting round issues that might upset him. Or put up with cheating and lying for fear of rocking the boat.

Nobody should 'stay together for the children', or because of your marriage vows. If your husband treats you badly, he has broken the vows. Children are much much happier being brought up by parents who live apart than in an atmosphere of fear and loathing.

Just because you've escaped a level 10 bastard, doesn't mean you should settle for the level 8 one that comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is none.

Just because all your friends are in bad relationships, doesn't mean that you have to be.

I really want to debunk the myth that all men are bastards. They simply aren't. If you feel that all the men you meet are, it's because you are unconsciously sending out vibes to these men. They can spot a target a mile off.

Be on your own. It is much easier than sticking by a tosser. If you have been in more than one abusive relationship, seek some counselling, you may be co-dependant, or you may be modelling relationships on a warped template, perhaps from childhood.

If he abuses you, he is not a good father. Good fathers don't treat the mother of their children with disrespect.

It doesn't matter how much he says sorry and makes it up to you, if he continues to abuse you those apologies are worthless.

Don't be fooled into thinking the abuse isn't 'bad enough to leave'. If you are treated in any way less than cherished, loved and respected, it is bad enough to leave.

There is never a reason to stay with an abusive man. He won't kill himself if you leave him, he won't take your children, and yes, everybody will believe you.

I probably have loads more to say on the subject but I will leave it there for now.

Much love to everybody.

Doublemint Fri 23-Sep-16 19:38:08

Haven't rtft but it's a great post.

Just got to add that actually, they might kill themselves when you leave them.

This is not your fault. It is their fault and choice. The responsibility is theirs alone.

Memoires Fri 23-Sep-16 19:34:39

Milkykid hope you're doing OK. Good luck to all the women who need to read the op).

Memoires Fri 23-Sep-16 19:33:28

This can't be in Active often enough. Reality, you're a pretty wonderful person!

LisaB777 Sat 10-Sep-16 12:24:52

Absolutely agree!

milkykid Tue 16-Aug-16 12:11:57

Thank you for posting that.
Changed the locks yesterday and am trying hard to stick to my guns.
It's amazing how much they try and worm there way back.
No more !

Cindy614 Thu 11-Aug-16 15:21:56


ayeokthen Mon 01-Aug-16 19:41:02

Reality, you are awesome, and right!!!!!

greenberet Sat 30-Jul-16 08:50:43

Read this article re EA / narcissistic

vippro Wed 20-Jul-16 02:31:47

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user1467709068 Sat 16-Jul-16 08:22:29

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user1467709068 Sat 16-Jul-16 08:20:21

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sharonola66 Sun 10-Jul-16 19:57:21

Very jealous of h previous partners

Ilovemarmite79 Fri 01-Jul-16 20:23:27

I will need to delete this as he may see but I need advice.

My H and I have large mortgage. We both work with very week paid job . We have quite a bit if debt and pay about £1000 in child car . After I pay my half have nothing left. He pays more than me but has money lef . We have no savings. If I left and had to continue paying mortgage and bill et . I could not afford any ren . He couldn't afford if without my contributio . I have nowhere I could stay. Am I stuck?

DonnaMurray1 Wed 29-Jun-16 04:48:11

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VocationalGoat Sat 25-Jun-16 21:24:20

Thank you, OP.
You nailed it.

Wmatilda Thu 23-Jun-16 19:44:57

Think you missed the bit where you added he/she....

AmberGreyson Tue 21-Jun-16 12:42:51

i hear you!

ragdollymama Tue 14-Jun-16 14:37:19

Thank you. Needed that x

kimp151 Sun 05-Jun-16 21:41:46

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

hareinthemoon Thu 02-Jun-16 20:13:50

Going to print this out and put it on my wall.

ChocolateChangesEverything Wed 01-Jun-16 21:26:25

Was this thread really posted over 7 years ago?

FreeFromHarm Mon 30-May-16 18:49:06

Well done, donecrying, xx

FreeFromHarm Mon 30-May-16 18:32:11

Talking of abusive relationships.... Well said BTW.... I have escaped after 22 years... need some advice please

Marrou Fri 27-May-16 23:22:14

Somewhat unfortunately this is the first post I've read this evening. Unfortunate because you are probably talking about me but I am in denial and disbelief. I talked to a friend this evening, the first time I said most of the words aloud. I felt guilty, treacherous and frightened. I have a long way to go.

Melody2Rhythem Sun 15-May-16 18:52:10

Something you have missed is when a women has been subject to such absue you don't realise that they don't have the courage and the mental stability to walk out. We need to have support groups to educate such women as they have stayed the way they are because of their weakness to do that. Please don't be offended and shoot this mail but try to walk in their shoes.
Its because they have no support. when there are headlines that good professors or doctors wife has commited suicide and poisoned their child....... what do you make of it. Desperation out of options.... Lot of money in NHS is wasted on charitable organisations offering counselling by the ones who want to get in to the business.
I did not mean to contradict or conflict but I think those women need their support as much as the starting post which provokes/inspires thinking.

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