Please help me, feel like I'm going mad. long sorry

[Hesdoneitagain]

Hi

My DP of 2.5 years seems to have a 'problem'. We met through internet dating. Took it fairly slowly but then became a couple. As far as I was concerned it was an exclusive relationship (and we had discussed this).

Felt suspicious after a while that something was going on. He denied it. I have a DD and he (after 3 months) was starting to meet her. I said to him 'No problem if you are seeing other people, we can still see each other on a casual basis but let me know because obviously I won't intro you to DD'. He said time and again he wasn't.

I finally looked at his pc one day and found another dating site. Went mad, he cried, said some woman had emailed him he hadn't replied etc etc. Over the next few months more and more came out, he HAD replied, in fact he'd emailed her first, he was a member of lots of sites and had been talking to lots of women.

By this stage he'd bonded with my daughter and I was totally torn, he swore he'd never do it again etc. We went to counselling.

Anyway, since then everything has been ok, hes been much more open and honest and then tonight I found IM on my pc (he uses my pc - we live together now). It flashed up with a message from a dating site. I confront him:

Firstly he

installed IM by accident
then he installed by accident but clicked on 'sign in' just to see
then he had received messages but hadn't looked at them
then he had received messages and had read them (they were from a dating site, he says he has no idea how it got his address)
then he reveals hes also been receiving emails (unsolicited) from a dating site but has been putting them in 'spam'
THen says he actually read one because it was from someone called Tammy and he knew a Tammy years ago
Then says 'yes it did say 'find singles in your area' in the subject box, but he clicked on the link which led to the dating website, out of curiosity.

This ever changing story has come out over the last hour.

Advice???? My DD adores him.

[NotABadWifeAnymore]

But do you?

[Lulumama]

pack him some clothes in a bag, throw them at him, then lock the door and see a lawyer tomorrow

[Tamarto]

There will be more to the story, i bet it's not finished changing yet. His details are on a dating site and he has no idea how? It'll be a spiteful ex next.

[LoveMyGirls]

I would tell him to leave me alone for a few days while I thought about what to do.

Your dd will adapt and go with whatever you decide to do.

It's important that you can trust him and that you are happy with him - if you can't then there's no point carrying this on.

but you know this already so I'll just give you a big ((((((((((((((((((((((((HDIA)))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Hesdoneitagain]

About to start crying. I forgot to mention that about 9 months after I found out about the other dating sites he finally confessed that he'd arranged a date with one woman but hadn't gone through with it. I managed to get his message log (I'm quite good on pcs) and it seems this was true. She'd sent him a very hurt email saying 'I understand you had to cancel at the last minute but I feel something is wrong, you're not texting me your usual sweet texts and now you're not responding to me at all.' So I do think he never met her.

Then he made a slip up and it turned out there wer two women he'd made dates with, he didn't turn up to that one either.

He said he was bored and lonely in his flat on his own and just thought it was mindless harmless flirtation. When people wanted to meet him he made an excuse.

My DD is my worry, she loves him and her father my ExH left 3 years ago and moved a long way away. She worships the ground dP walks on and I just can't finish it because of what it would do to her.

Feel like IM going mad. Has he met them?? Has he been carrying on all this time?? I could scream. He asked me to marry him two nights ago!!!

[TottWriter]

How old is your DD? if she's still very young then it won't take her long to forget him if you want out. But even if she is older, children often cope with more than adults give them credit for (I speak from the child's perspective there!)

Don't stay in this relationship if you are going to be hurting. And if DD asks why, then share it with her. sometimes parents can seem aloof to children, and while we all want to be strong mummy who can always be relied on, it won't destroy that image for her to know that there are people who aren't what they say they are.

When I was 8 my parents split and we went with my mum to live with someone else. 2 years later we had to leave in a hurry and he ended up stalking us. My age 10 memories of this time are of it being sort of exciting, and of the man I lived with for 2 years being a nasty bad man. If you end up having to turn him into the villain, don't be surprised when she gets very protective of you.

[Hesdoneitagain]

Shes 4.

Keeps going round in my head, why? Do we not have enough sex, am I boring? I don't often wear make up, I do talk about DD poo / school / hairlice a lot.

When he did it the first time we were still in the having lots of sex stage, and fairly wild sex at that. If I wasn't enough for him then with make up, shaved legs, best attitude, loads of sex, I'll never be will I?

[TottWriter]

Just read your latest post.

Don't hurt yourself for your DD. It will do more damage in the long run - trust me. If you want out, you get out. DD will understand, okay it may take a bit of time, but then if you stall for a few weeks and break it to her gently it may help.

But think about it long term. Your DD needs you. She needs you whole. And you won't be whole for her as she gets older if you've been hurting for years.

He obviously doesn't care about you enough to come out with the truth straight away. So how do you know he cares about your DD? She does not need somrone like that in her life, because if he hurts you he'll hurt her as well.

And if he's proposed, then you need to ask him what the hell he's thinking of getting engaged to one woman and looking around for others at the same time.

[TottWriter]

If he wanted to marry you and live with you and DD then talking about thing relevant to her would not be a turn off.

And you should not have to make a real effort to please him all the time. A true relationship is where both parties are comfortable with each other no matter what. If he isn't comfortable with that then he is not the sort of influence you want around for your DD to learn from.

It sound like an awful situation to be in, and I can't take the immediate pain away, but you need to sit down and think about what will hurt you more long term. Him being around and potentially always putting you through this heartache? Or you striking out on your own and hurting badly for a while but perhaps finding someone who cares for you because of who you are.

[Hesdoneitagain]

Thanks TW I know I need to think I just feel so overwhelmed. I have to look after DD and work tomorrow and if I'm honest I can't imagine going back to being a single mom, for me or her. God I sound pathetic. My job pays 50k a year, I have a degree, lovely friends and family but I remember what it was like when my ExH left, trying to work and be a good mom and staring at the 4 walls evreynight. I am scared of going back to that.

And (and I know this sounds weak) but he is so wonderful in all the other respects that I just can't bear the thought of splitting up.

Also I could never date again, don't feel I'd ever be able to trust. I'm only 33. My ExH was a total lying bastard and now I've another one. My instincts must be great

[runforyourlife]

IME your DD will not remember your DP for more than a very, very short period of time. She will also accept any simple explanation that you are able to provide and quickly move on.
More importantly, can you move forwards? What kind of relationship do you want?
It sounds as though you think he's bored of the mundane realities of life. His behaviour would support that; is he checking out his options just in case the grass is greener??
Work out what you want, clearly explain it to him, ask him what he wants and see if you both want the same thing.
I know that's much easier said than done!

[solidgoldbullet4myvalentine]

He's a creep with a betrayal fetish. Plenty of people are not monogamous but if they enocounter someone like you who says: I just want to know whether this relationship is going to be exclusive or not, then nice people say, OK, I do not want a monogamous relationship. THis man is getting some sort of jollies out of sneaking around behind your back and lying to you, and he won't change. Your DD will forget him soon enough - tell her he moved away for work or something.
Best of luck. It is particularly nasty to get tangled up with a man like this when you have been fair and reasonable and yet he is playing you like this.

[Hesdoneitagain]

Thanks for all your messages and advice.

The problem is its me saying maybe hes bored with DD talk etc. If I ask him he says we are his life and he loves spending time with her and doesn't want to go back to his old life (pub / mates / rugby). If I say to him 'go out for the night with your mates' he won't go unless I go too.

Solid - I'm clinging on to the hope that he isn't a horrible man. Otherwise I really am going mad - how can he say all the things he says and yet still do this? I am just exceptionally naive?? He keeps saying sorry and that it was just him being stupid and as soon as he saw it was a dating site he exited it

[runforyourlife]

You say that you 'could never date again', don't want to go back to being 'single' and 'couldn't bear the thought of splitting up' - aren't you putting all your hopes/trust etc in this one man/relationship and risking that he could do whatever he wants and you would consider it better than nothing?

[Lulumama]

he asked you to marry him as a way of distracting from the fact he has lied to you and betrayed you

isn;t he good to cancel the dates with the other women?

which he should not have been doing in the first place if oyu are in a monogamous relationship

if he does not understand your DD comes first, what hope is there?

you should not have to change your whole character and and your priorities for another person, who is not even making you happy anyway

can you really live with this sort of worry about betrayal for ever?

[Hesdoneitagain]

I think you're all saying what I knew anyway. But in some warped way I wanted everyone to say 'it was just a mistake' give him one more chance.

Since this all started my depression has got pretty bad. I saw a dr and am now on 60mg of Citalopram a day plus 3 x 2mg Diazepam. Plus I see a therapist weekly.

The constant worry and phone / computer checking, feeling like Miss Marple trying to scrutinise everything he says for lies has led to me thinking I'm going mad. Especially as he always denies everything until I have cast iron proof and even then he doesn't always confess. I think I may be having a breakdown.

[solidgoldbullet4myvalentine]

Yup, he's a shit. He is enjoying the fact that you are feeling worse and worse and think you are going mad, and beginning to doubt your own judgement. He wants you to be prepared to put up with anything so he can abuse you further.

[runforyourlife]

It's early days, be kind to yourself. Someone you trusted has let you down and it's normal to question your judgment/men generally etc etc
Do some things for yourself and your DD.
Try to move your focus away from your DP's behaviour.
Take care of yourself.

[missingtheaction]

I am so sorry, this is horribly difficult. But you know what you have to do don't you? You have to protect your DD from growing up thinking men are unfaithful and that women have to put up with it; from thinking her mum is a wimp who puts up with s* (because she will find out).

There are loads of lovely, faithful, loving men out there but you do have to be patient. And ruthless - one strike and they're out.

[Hesdoneitagain]

Apparently it 'wasn't intended with any malice' 'it was just a stupid senseless thing to do' 'you and DD are my life' 'I'm telling you the truth.'

Latest instalments from lying shit DP. Hopefully he's now gone downstairs and will not come back up. At the least the house and car are both mine.

Dittany - thanks for the book link, will definitely get one.

[TottWriter]

Big hugs.

As has been said, it doesn't sound like thngs are going to be easy for you. But, like it's been said, he's playing with you. Whether he's deliberately hurting you or not is irrelevant, and you mustn't go down that road, because that's what he's hoping you will do. And then he is dominating this relationship and things never work under those circumstances.

You've set out all the rules for this. And they aren;t demanding. first of all, you said you didn't mind if he'd been seeing other people just tell you. He didn't. Then he kept on lying. One of these days he'll lie to your DD. it could escalate and it will hurt her more if he betrays her trust rather than you telling her what is going on.

Don't just think about the immediate future. I know it's hard but you need to start looking long term.

[bohemianbint]

I wrote an article a few years back about internet dating, and predictably enough ended up seeing someone for a while that I met on a dating site.

I think people can get addicted to it, and some of the feckless bastards just can't stop it. I think you probably need to be aware that he may continue to do it and if you can't really trust him better to cut it short sooner rather than later. I did - I was gutted but I could see where it was going and I just couldn't be arsed. If it's any consolation, I met my DH in a real life situation about a month after dumping the loser and never looked back.

I ope it works out for you, it is hard but don't compromise.