Need advice re: Exh and arrangements for DC's

[mampam]

Have posted many times before about my exh and his wife and how unreasonable they are at the best of times. I basically need some advice as what to do next.

A couple of weeks ago my dd had the opportunity to join a drama group at school which is an after school activity run by someone outside the school (iyswim?). It is £55 for the whole term. My dh has just had his hours cut down from full time to part time at work and I only work part time so financially things are a real struggle at the moment. We could not afford to pay the whole £55 so before I said 'yes' or 'no' to dd I thought I would ask her father if he would go halves with me, bearing in mind that I never ask him for anything, he pays his maintenace each week and I don't ask for any more (and have been unsure if he would give me anymore anyway as about 4 years ago when I was a single mum living on benefits I asked him for £2.50 towards some material for dc's sheep costume for his nativity at pre-school and he told me he couldn't afford it!!)

I phone exh, he says he will pay half. We also discuss our midweek arrangements as drama group is on a Thursday and he has DC's to stay overnight on alternate Tuesdays and Thursdays. His wife picks them up from school so every other Thursday would have to pick ds up then hang around for an hour until dd finished her drama group with a small baby in tow too. Exh suggested possibly changing the midweek night to every Wednesday to which I agreed because at least we would all know where we were each week. He told me to keep him posted.

I got dd a place in the group, text exh to tell him and said that I had to pay the money on the Thursday, said he could pay by cash or cheque, he text back saying that he would pay with cash.

It's 3 weeks later and I've had no money from him. I paid the £55 to the organiser thinking he would give me his share of the money when he dropped the kids home on his weekend to have them but nothing.

I text him to make sure that his wife was picking dc's up on the Wednesday but I got a reply saying 'no she'll pick them up as normal on the Thursday'. I replied politely asking for the money for dd's drama group and asking if we were starting the Wednesday thing from the following week and the reply came 'no we'll keep to the same arrangements cos it's easier for us'.

So obviously if it's easier for them thats alright then!! This has happened so many times before now, I don't know why I'm surprised and I feel a bit stupid for thinking that me and him had an agreement really. We will discuss something and agree on it and when he gets home and tells her she obviously doesn't like it and then he has a u-turn on the matter. If I said that Wednesdays weren't suitable for me she would have made him insist on the Wednesday.

I'm obviously not going to get the money but why did he say yes? And then not even have the decency to tell me actually he's changed his mind. It just really pisses me off, she is so interfering and controlling, she has to be in control of everything and he's so stupid he goes along with everything she says. If my dh tried interfering like that or telling me what I could and couldn't do with regards to my dc's and arrangements with thier father, I'd tell him to bugger off.

In the terms of our divorce dc's aren't supposed to stay overnight with exh during the week, he is supposed to pick them up and take them for 2 hours once a week and have them to stay every other weekend. I agreed to let them stay overnight mid week when we moved to the middle of no where and it wouldn't have been worth exh driving all the way to our house and back again within the 2 hours. We now don't live so far away so there is no need for him to have them overnight anyway. Ex's wife is on maternity leave at the moment but when she was working, quite often I would get a text from ex (when he already had the kids at his house so as I couldn't say no) saying that his wife would be dropping the kids back to me at 8am instead of dropping them to school as arranged.

What I want to know is, seeing as I only get what I'm legally entitled to from exh (maintenance as set out by CSA and no more help with anything for dc's) am I entitled to give him no more than he is legally entitled to ie: 2 hours with dc's during the week and every other weekend, or if he does carry on with the overnight midweek thing can I turn around and say 'it's Wednesday or nothing'?

I'm just fed up of ex and his wife dictating to me and walking all over me. I don't ever fight back now as in the beginning I did and they used to make my life absolute hell until I couldn't take it anymore and would give in so they got what they wanted. I hate arguments and conflict and just give in to them cos otherwise there will be huge arguments. I don't want it to seem that I'm using the kids against him because I'm not and I have total respect for the relationship that they have with him.

[BalsamicBreasts]

Just call back and say it's wednesday because Thursdays went convenient for you anymore, and you have made arrangements based on your agreement with him. Ask him when he will be giving you the money.

[mampam]

There will be a huge argument which I want to avoid if at all possible. Do you think it's worth getting some advice from my solicitor? (I know they do a free clinic). At least then he wouldn't be able to argue with the fact that the solicitor says I have the right to do.........

[mamas12]

How old is your dd and is she aware of the arrangements that were made? Because if she were then he is really messing around with her head too poor thing. Persevere with 'as we agreed you need to pay me the money and Wednesday was the agreed night for you to collect from school' Don't know if you could do this but tell your dd he is responsible for the Wed and the school and if he doesn't turn up to ring HIM and not you as it is his night. ??

[Tamarto]

From what you have said, i think an argument is going to happen regardless.

If i were you, i'd explain to him that you made arrangements regarding the club as a result of your discussion and if he is going to be that petty/ridiculous/ other word of your choice, then you are going to have to revert to the original official arrangements as you can no longer trust his word.

You are not using the kids against him, but they are and you have to put a stop to it.

[Fluffybubble]

If they want to stick to Thursdays then they will just have to wait for your dd to finish her course - can you reply saying that's fine to stick with Thursdays, you just thought that it'd be preferable for them to not have to hang around. (ie - your dd will still be doing the course, the hanging around bit is part of her Thursday routine and exh and wife will either have to accommodate this or revert to the Wednesday).

I agree with Jammi that it was rude of him not to check with his wife if she is involved in the picking up - I would be reluctant to use the reduced contact as a response if it has been working well up until now, as it'll probably be quite obviously in reaction to him messing you around. I'd be tempted (if you can grit your teeth!) to be exceptionally lovely and reasonable and get your money first! Then, when things have blown over a bit, speak to your exh and tell him that you have been disappointed that he has been inconsistent and make it clear that compromise works both ways (and you are already doing your bit with the extra contact). I don't think you have to resort to withdrawing the extra, just spell it out that co-parenting is about flexibility and mutual respect. It may make no difference but at least it is not a tit-for-tat type of reaction... Very hard, I know .

[mampam]

Mrsjammi, I agree that wife needs to be consulted but she is the type of person that if you said the leaves on the tree's were green she would swear blind that they were blue!! Like I said before, if I had said to exh, sorry Wednesday doesn't suit me then I've no doubt in my mind that she would have wanted to do every Wednesday, she's just like that.

My dd is 9 and is fully aware of everything that goes on. I told her that she could go to the drama group cos 'daddy will pay for half of it'. She know's he hasn't given me any money towards it and has even offered me the money from what she's saved in her moneybox.

Have had many a conversation with ex about if we both have a little give and take then there will never be any need to argue. I give, he takes. It's as simple as that. I just wonder why, when I don't get anymore than I'm Legally entitled to, should he then get more than he's legally entitled to, especially when he just bullies me to get what he wants.

[mampam]

I would only be going to a solicitor for advice, nothing else.

[Fluffybubble]

mampam - The trouble is that you cannot really do anything, he is entitled to see the dc, and they have to see him. You come out of this the bigger person, and there is no discernible credit in this, it is just 'one of those things'. It is not fair that he gets to bully you or to just take take take, but I guess that this may be part of the reason that he is your ex. At the moment, reducing access and adhering rigidly to the original agreement must seem incredibly tempting but it is really a reaction to his crapness - if he had stuck to your Wednesday plan then reducing the access would probably not have been raised (this time).

I think that you need to make it clear to your exh that letting your dc down is not acceptable and that, in the future, you may have to rethink your current arrangements if he cannot be consistent. Maybe you could also say to him that he needs to agree anything with his wife before confirming to you, so that he cannot later back out. Try to have conversations by email so that you have his consent in writing and it's slightly more 'official'. I think StayFrosty could be right about him playing you and his wife off to some degree, as it conveniently absolves him of any responsibility. That said, they are your and his (bad English!) dc and his has to take responsibility for contact arrangements, or else you are justified in returning to playing things by the rules. I just think that you need to make this clear to him for future reference, rather than reducing access in response to this incident.

[Persianvase]

I am going through similiar things at the moment - my post is called something re access. I have decided (after lots of lovely advice etc from MN) that I need to be the bigger person, grit my teeth and just get on with it.

Yes, it is always me bending over backwards, yes it is always me who loses out financially but NO I will not alter his access to our DD because it would only be her that would suffer.

Trust me I know how hard it is though.

[elastamum]

It is really difficult but try your best to seperate the access from the messing you aroud. My H tries to change arrnagements all the time so now I make sure we have them in the diary and dont give in to him. I do let him see the kids as much as he wants to even if as tonight he dropped in for a chat on his way home from work whilst we were having tea, I figure by being the bigger person I am doing the right thing by my kids