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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Is it me...here we go again!

21 replies

Daisypops · 02/02/2009 18:15

I will try and keep this short but want to try and get the whole pic across. DP and I have been together fror 4 years, we have a 2 year old DD. We have had our ups and downs, mostly me finding girls numbers on his phone but him denying it all. Today I checked his phone his inbox was completely empty but a girl had rung him last night and he'd drafted a message to her which was blank. I obviously think its yet another girl hes perhaps messing about with but he said shes a friend from years ago (another one?!!! Im suspicious also because when I confronted him he didnt say anything for 30 minutes but then he came in the kitchen and said she was an old friend. It was like he was thinking of his story for 30 minutes. He said Im mad and a psycho (the usual crap!). Im unusually calm, but inside I am very angry. We've tried again and again to make it work but Im just thinking theres only so many times I can give it another go. Its starting to grind me down.

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Daisypops · 02/02/2009 18:28

Anyone?

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eNABlemetobebetter · 02/02/2009 18:29

I don't know what to suggest but it sounds like you don't trust him and that makes having a relationship very hard.

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Dior · 02/02/2009 18:32

Would you not be happier with someone you can trust?

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gooddadbadhusband · 02/02/2009 18:36

Maybe he just likes to have female friends?

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bubblagirl · 02/02/2009 18:37

im not sure what you want to hear but i think you would be better off alone with out the trust issues the put downs etc

maybe suggest a separation as he sounds as though his already separated himself from you but making you very insecure that's not love

i think you know what you want to do so do what you feel is best for you and your ds surely you would be a happier mummy without all the suspicion lies distrust blame and paranoia

xx

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fuckerForMyValentine · 02/02/2009 18:38

gooddad, I have thought your other posts very good on here

but that one is shit

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bubblagirl · 02/02/2009 18:40

i had a n x that liked to have LOTS OF GIRLS NUMBERS UNDER MEN'S NAMES ETC AS HE LIKED TO FEEL WANTED

sorry not shouting

some men find it an ego boost but in my opinion if im not an ego boost enough then your not worthy if there not able to be honest about there friends then that makes you automatically suspicious

he has track record so do what you feel best you dont sound in love or happy no basis to stay with someone just because you have a child as i would rather be alone and happy than with someone and unhappy

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Daisypops · 02/02/2009 20:06

Im not a very affectionate person but I put that down to his betrayal in the past. Im uncomfortable showing him affection so maybe he feels he has to go elsewhere to get attention. He said Id made it all up then went quiet for 30 minutes then he came in a told me shes a friend of a friend who died a few weeks ago and she rung him to tell him how her family is doing. But why didn't he say that at the beginning? I just think he needed 30 minutes to think of his next lie. Its no wonder Im suspicious with his track record. I found 7 girls names and numbers on his phones in a year. All friends from years ago ofcourse! But they're numbers had never been on his phone before. The sad thing is I start to doubt myself from time to time and wonder if Im too paranoid. Not sure if I love him anymore. I just want a happy relationship with a man who wants the same things as me.

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lessonlearned · 02/02/2009 20:40

Sorry, but he's done it before and it sounds like old habits die hard.
He obviously didn't get the message when you brought it up before either, so why should things be any different now?
I think he just thinks he can take you for granted.
You need to stand up for yourself and let him know that you need a lot more reassurance than your getting! Perhaps he could involve you more with his 'female friends' so you wouldn't get the 'wrong idea'?

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Daisypops · 02/02/2009 21:27

lessonlearned-i suspect they're not friends! He walked out and said he would got through my mum to see DD (we live seperately because he cant sell his house and cant rent it as rent wont cover his mortgage) He then rang my mum and asked if he could go thru her and said I'd accused him of having an affair again. He told her the same as me that shes a friend. Oh WTF? So sad. I look at DD and think why cant we make it work for her. Shes the most precious thing in the world to me nothing else should matter. I have so many emotions going round my body. One minute I cry then I think forget him hes a liar an done it before then I look at DD and cry again then I get angry then I get worried that Ive got the wrong end of the stick this time.

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lessonlearned · 02/02/2009 21:56

Daisypops, I think you are right and he has his priorities all wrong.
Don't waste time doubting yourself, remember it's his loss!!!
You have the best of the deal here - a lovely DD, and she needs all your love.
Sorry but it sounds like he likes to flirt and maybe more, but when it comes to a proper grown up relationship with responsibilities and commitment, he just can't cut it. Some men just love the attention from women but have little to give in return.
I hope one day he grows up. but don't waste your time waiting.

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Daisypops · 02/02/2009 22:01

Thanks lessonlearned. Im just sad for DD. Dont understand how he could do this to her. Dreading him getting a new girlf and DD meeting her. Hopefully I will be healing by then and be able to cope better.

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lessonlearned · 02/02/2009 22:33

I don't think that his behaviour will sustain any relationship long enough to get beyond the flirty/fumbly stage until he grows up.
Don't think yourself so far into the future (SMs and such) until you know what you are planning to do in the next month or two. You will only frighten yourself into a state of paralysis. Oh, and don't forget that doing nothing is also a choice but is it one you can live with? There can be no change without conflict so use your anger to get the outcome you want - whether it's major changes in your relationship or going it alone.
Good luck.

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Daisypops · 03/02/2009 09:45

At the beginning of the reltionship he was the perfect man, brought me flowers to work, nice to my family etc, we all thought it was too good to be true and it was. He proposed, we set a wedding date and put down a deposit then I caught him snogging another girl in a bar when we were on holiday together! I was distraught and got a flight home. He cancelled the wedding but I gave him another chance but things have never been right since. Im typing this and cringing, seeing it in words makes me cringe.

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mamas12 · 03/02/2009 14:44

Oh can you imagine if you txt every girl on his phone to meet up with him and be a fly on the wall.
I think you have to think of yourself in this situation, what will make you happy within this relationship and then let him know and if he cannot fulfill your expections to make a go wholeheartedly then sadly you will know that it is not ever going to be. Because by always letting him behave like this you are giving him the permission to treat you like this. Hope you have the courage to to face him for the final ultimatum because there has to be a final one doesn't there.

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Daisypops · 03/02/2009 15:21

Thanks Mamas12, there has been so many chances and ultimatums. Its got to the point where Im bored of it all the penny is finally dropping that he isn't the man for me. Im very sad because we wanted another baby at some point and Im also very sad for DD, shes so young, will she understand any of it?

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Broodymomma · 03/02/2009 15:31

I really feel for you Daisy. I am going through similar issues although not related to other women but wondering if my partner and i have a future. If we did not have ds my decision would be simple but what i have been doing is thinking back to my own childhood and remembering the atmosphere between my parents after every rown and the days of them not speaking and being stuck in the middle. Do you think your dd would be happier in the long run with you two together but with all these issues clouding everything or with mum and dad happy but seperate? Can you see yourself having a future with him where you can trust him and not worry constantly that he is playing away?

Neither you or dd deserve that sort of life you both should be happy. I hate to sound mmean and dont want to upset you but if he is playing away then he is obviously not in the right relationship either.

You have to put yourself and dd first and if you are going to split i would say better now than when she is older. I know its equally hard when you have been hoping to try for another baby too, good luck to you xx

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LightShinesInTheDarkness · 03/02/2009 15:34

Daisy - you are about to make some difficult decisions here, but he has to realise he has to earn your respect and trust, which he does not have at the moment.

Sorry if it sounds like a really obvious question, but does he love you? I mean, does he say he does?

You are not sure if you love him, and the way he is behaving no-one could blame you for feeling that way.

But you have a child, and if you love each other there can be a way back from this.

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solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 03/02/2009 15:39

Daisy, this man is never going to be monogamous. He doesn't want to be. He doesn;t want a longterm couple relationship with you. Draw a line under him now and deal with him only as your DD's co-parent, because trying to maintain a couple-relationship with someone who doesn't even really see himself as your partner at all is a waste of time. Nothing is more demoralising or unhealthy than trying to 'make' someone 'love' you. You will find that once you draw that line you will start feeling better bit by bit and day by day: no more anxiety about what he's doing with who, because it's not your problem any more.

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Daisypops · 03/02/2009 18:10

Lightshines-yes he says he loves me but I always say actions speak louder then words. We never did anythng together. We didnt even go on holidays together, I went with my mum. The one we did go on last year I came home a day early because he was sat watching TV all day and I was taking DD out on my own all the time. I just got fed up and came home but we didnt leave on bad terms. When he came home the next day I read his text messages and one of then was from 'Pamela' saying 'glad to be back in my nice warm house....' I didn't get chance to read on, but I was suspicious because we'd been staying in a cold caravan!? I have given him so many chances that Ive lost count. All we did was argue and snap at eachother when he was here. I moaned at him for doing nothing, he didnt even feed DD and hes changed her nappy once. Then he got pissed off with me for moaning at him to do stuff. I do think its better for DD that we are apart, but I am still wracked (sp?) with guilt.
I rang the mobile number that was on his phone yesterday no one answered but about 15 minutes later a man rang back and asked who I was, I didnt say. I may have got the number wrong because I was rushing to write to number down.

There are countless stories I could tell you about but Im conscious that Im moaning!

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lessonlearned · 03/02/2009 22:36

Don't worry about moaning - we've all done that. You have doubts and IMO you have very good reason. If you need to turn Miss Marple to get to the bottom of things, then I'm sure there is still plenty encouragement here for you.
If you got a man at the end of the phone it makes me wonder if the (potential) OW is also in a relationship.

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