Is he trying to make me flip by using emotional 'abuse'? - Sorry, it's long!

[nbird1]

Following my recent thread where I found out my H has and still is having an affair there have been developments...

1. I have seen the light, and have instructed a solicitor to start divorce proceedings on the grounds of adultery - H has said he will agree to this.
   
   2)My AD's have started to kick in.. I think. (Either that or I just don't care about him any more).
   
   3)Trouble at home. My H and I have been staying in the same house due to the DCs - trying to make things as 'normal' for them as poss. We are in separate bedrooms now. but since I found out about his affair he has been playing mind games with me.
   
   It started off where he tried to blame me as the reason why he has been carrying on. We have had many 'discussions', some heated, some not; but when he speaks to me, he talks over me, won't let me answer a question,calls me names, swears and says very degrading comments. I refused to play ball and would not reciprocate using the same type of language as him. I told him I hated the the things he has done to me and kids, but didn't hate him (he personalised everything).
   
   Anyway, over the past few weeks, he has been switching moods on an almost hourly basis, so I can't tell whether he's going to be chatty and civil, or argumentative, rude and abusive. He changes his mind constantly about future plans. He has tried to use his size (taller than me) to intimidate and stand over me in my personal space, speaking in a quiet and sinister way. He's abrupt when I try to speak with him on the phone or cuts me off. Behaviour like these examples is just a bit of what has been going on.
   
   Last night when I got in from work 1 and 1/2 hours late (just done over 13 hours) he started at me again demanding I explained an email to him. Basically this was about financial stuff and he then started to threaten to stop paying the mortgage and make us all homeless - all this in front of our DCs. I lost my rag (the straw that broke the camel's back)and pushed the keyboard out of the way when he was typing a letter to the bank with his threat. Dcs were getting distressed, so when I tried to take DD up to bed (I'd not seen her all day), H picked her up and wouldn't let me near her. She got distressed, I got even more wound up and flew at him. I knocked his glasses off in an attempt to take my DD as she was upset. I walked away and took DS to bed. When I returned, he pushed me onto the sofa trying to make out I was a vicious, abusive woman who wasn't fit to be in a room with my own kids!
   
   We settled the kids down, apologised, sorted ourselves out and had more talks when the kids were asleep. We went to bed in a more civilised manner, bt the 1st thing he said to me this morning was how 'atrociously' I behaved last night.
   
   I am not proud of myself for losing control. I KNOW it shouldn't have happened in front of the kids, but I just flipped. Its never happened before and I'm shocked at myself for how intense I became in a short time. My head has been messed about with by him for weeks and weeks now.
   
   I'm convinced he's going to try and use that episode against me now, saying I'm violent towards him and an unfit mother. Today when I got home from work, he'd done dinner, laid it out on the table for me, made me (4 ???) drinks to have with my tea and was perfectly civil! He told me that he had made arrangements to stay the night with a 'friend'and it would be best to stay out of each others way for the foreseeable. Not being in the same house is fine by me, but are all the mind games classed as emotional abuse??

[MissGreatBritain]

Firstly, my sympathies for what is clearly a horrible situation. I imagine your husband is probably feeling hugely mixed emotions - stress, guilt, fear, sadness hence his mood swings. I left my husband for someone else, and I must admit that I behaved appallingly to him in the days before we actually separated. I think it's the guilt, and fear of losing your childen that drives you to it.

It seems as though you have behaved impeccably until now, and like you say, you'd just had enough.

Would it be possible for you to live separately from now on? I'm sure it would remove some of the stress. For me, once we'd separated it at least became civilised and we got into a new routine, with our new lives. I can't really offer any constructive advice but just wanted to let you know that things will get better and try not to worry about what he might be like in the future - I'm sure this is as bad as he's likely to be. Hope things work out x

[HecateQueenOfGhosts]

Living together is not working.

You need to be in separate homes.

[nbird1]

Thanks for your input! Yes, I've been at the end of my tether - surprised I've lasted this long really!

He's told me that he will stay out of my way as much as possible in the future. Think that can only be a good thing. I'm taking the DCs away for a much deserved break next week - we can have fun and forget about him!

[lessonlearned]

This is an example of why I think sharing a home is just too difficult.
My exDH did not leave until 9 months after he announced his decision to me and the DCs.
It was 9 months of sheer hell. I managed not to retalliate (sp) to all the (extreme) provocation but I shed a few tears along the way which he told the children was "emotional blackmail" - WTF?
He also used what I now realise to be DV in a covert way ie being 'playful' which the kids got excited about as they wanted to see mum and dad have some 'fun' physical contact. His favourite was the 'spock hold' which really hurt. When I cried out or dropped to the floor he would turn to the DCs and tell them was a miserable bitch!
I'm fairly sure the DCs thought I was rejecting his attempts to be friendly as he never subjected them to the threats and intimidation which I lived with on a daily basis.
I was and am still very relieved to be free of the strain of keeping up appearances for the DCs.
I am not suggesting this is what's happening in your situation, but it's an example of how things can bottle up until the straw breaks the camels back. IMO it's not worth the risk.

[prettyfly1]

run. for the sake of your sanity for goodness sake get out and if you cannot do it for yourself do it for the kids. what benefit do they get from seeing this sort of behaviour from their parents. make arrangements with him and either leave the home or ask him to. before it gets worse.