Huge crush on best friends DH and don't know what to do! Long and complicated!

[Crazylady123]

I have name changed to spare embarrassment. Apologies for this being long - I am a widow ? my DH was killed in a RTA when I was pregnant with our DS. I have been a bit of a loner since and only had a few short lasting relationships with unsuitable men.

I live next door to my best friend who I have known for over 10 years, she has always been there for me and I don?t know what I would have done without her. She has a DS too and is currently going through an amicable divorce from her DH. I have known him longer since we work for the same company and I actually introduced them!

The have just grown apart and are more friends than anything else and have been separated for 2 years. He took a placement in Germany for one of those years and only recently came back home. She has been seeing someone else for a year but her DH does not know because he does not like the bloke so she is not saying anything until the divorce is finalised in case it stops being amicable.

I have told my friend that I have a crush on her soon to be ex DH and while she thinks this is hysterical since it does complicate things somewhat, she knows I am serious about him and she has said that she is fine for me to act on this crush if I want to and she will support that.

The problem is that I have already slept with him. We went to a conference together for work about a week ago and afterwards went for dinner and drinks. We went to a jazz bar and during a dance he started holding me close, and running his hands up and down my back and telling me how sexy he thought I was. Too much drink and too long on my own meant that I did not stop and think and we ended up in bed together.

Before anything happened he told me he had always liked me, I should always remember how sexy I am no matter where I am and who I am with and that he was right where he wanted to be. He then went on to say that it was only for the one night and that he did not want to hurt me but he wanted to be free and single this year.

I lost all reason and went ahead anyway ? he was being honest after all. The next morning we agreed not to say anything to my friend, as we did not want to hurt her unnecessarily ? or cause ourselves trouble I suspect - and we have gone on with our lives.

I then told my friend the next day about my crush. I know I should have spoken to her first before doing anything and I feel bad ? as I should do, particularly since she would have been fine for me to go ahead ? but the problem is that I see him every day at work and just want him like crazy but have to behave normally.

I am hurting because of this and don?t know what to do. i spend hours thinking of scenarios where we can be together and what he will say and my reply and our happy ending, the whole time he is behaving as if nothing happened and we are friends as normal.

Should I say something to him and risk rejection ? he has said he wants to be single this year ? so it would be no surprise if he turned me down but then work would be so uncomfortable for both of us and I don?t want to ruin our friendship. On the other hand saying nothing is tearing me apart. What if he never realised he had the option of a relationship with me. He had said that it was complicated with me being his DW best friend and as the time we did not know she would be fine with it and I have obviously not told him this.

My friend said I had three choices, tell him and deal with it if he turns me down, say nothing and hope I get over it quickly or sit on it for a month or so to see how I feel then before acting on it.

The second problem is that we did not use any protection and I am a bit concerned about that. I only recently had a contraceptive implant removed before Christmas and I have no idea how long my periods will take to return so how long do I worry before taking a pregnancy test. Very confused? Any advice?

[needsomesunshine]

dont know what to say am gobsmacked!
okay, im over it now.
in one way you havent really done anything wrong. your both single and your best friend is fine with it. be sure hes not trying to get back at his ex. ask him if he does want to continue therelationship but ask yourself one question would your life be better together or apart in terms of complications? they split up for a reason and you must be quite lonely. are you sure that you dont just want someone not necessarily him?
get yourself checked out. whats more important to you your frienship or her husband, whichone could you live without? if the relationship did move on do you rally think your friendship will stay in tact?

[dooit]

Firstly, you don't need to feel guilty. You are both adults and are entitled to sleep together without permission from your friend.

When I was widowed I found my friends DHs comforting. Mainly because they were "safe", i.e no threat to me, my late DH or our DD because they were already in relationships and therefore not interested in me romantically. I could enjoy their male company and a lovely hug (something I longed for) without feeling uncomfortable.

I think you should be very aware that a man emerging from a divorce (no matter how amicable) will really not want to walk straight into another serious relationship. If I were you I'd be off to the docs asap for advice re. the unprotected sex.

I think you need to step away from this man. He's made it clear that he finds you attracive but is not interested in the same things as you. You are at risk of getting hurt here. Take care.x Feel free to ignore my advice, I've had wine

[Crazylady123]

I am lonely some times but not enough to jump on the first bloke who looked my way, I have had offers but have turned down ones I know are not right for me - I just have a knack for taking up with the ones who are good at hiding their flaws!

They mostly split up as they have nothing in common. We are both a bit older than my best friend - him more so - and they want different things out of life now. He likes classical music and she likes dance, he likes to travel and she hates flying, he loves roughing it and she loves creature comforts... I think it got to the point where they realised there was not enough to keep them married. No arguments, not hatred, no fighting just a realisation that they have become great friends.

I don't know if he would sleep with me to get at her but I would like to think after all these years I know him well enough to say he would not. Besides how does it get at her if she does not know?

I think getting together with him would be awkward - double dating with the ex wife and her bloke he hates... interesting! Wedding days where she is the matron of honor... worthy of a tv documentary but that is not to say it could not be done.

The question is really where is he in all of this?

I would give him up for my best friends happiness as I would rather not live without her but I do not see that happening, who knows though. She is a very practical and honest person so she would not say go for it if she had a problem. I hope!

[Crazylady123]

All replies are most welcome, different points of view that I might not have considered might help me to put this into perspective.

I think one of the issues is his impending divorce. He might want to cut loose and be a single guy again, I don't want him to stick a wedding band on me just now. We would need to get to know each other from a different side and see if we had anything.

I would like to just see him, spend time with him and have fun. With the history it would have to be slow so nobody got hurt.

But maybe you are right, maybe he is just too much of a loose cannon right now. Maybe he does not like me enough too... it would not be the first time a man felt the urge and told a woman what they want to hear to get some bedroom action. How was he to know I had feelings for him!

[dooit]

But you're planning a future and a wedding here with a man who told you he wants to be single??

It is very lonley being on your own after losing DH but don't rush into something. Take your time. You need to heal first before you move on.

[bananapaddlepop]

You say you would give him up for your friends happiness, but you already have slept with him behind her back. I think regardless of what has been said since then about your crush, it's wrong what you have done and very disloyal.

[Heated]

I mean this in no way harshly, but from what you've posted it sounds as if you already have your answer - he's not interested in anything serious now. The rest just complicates things further and makes a relationship less likely imho.

[dooit]

lonely

[Crazylady123]

I am not planning a future with him... that was a joke sentence to show that I have not forgotten to consider the possible complications as I weigh up the options.

It is lonely sometimes but my DH has been gone for 7 years now, I have healed and moved on. It was very hard for the first couple of years and he will always have a special place in my heart but I have to live my life for me and for our DS. I deserve happiness too surely.

He had a relationship with another girl after they split which lasted a few months and she has been seeing someone for about a year so they have both moved on. Therefore sleeping with him was not wrong because we are both single consenting adults. The bit that was wrong was not speaking to her before hand. I know I should have done and I will likely not forget that but I cannot take it back now no matter how much I would like to. I can only try to do things right from this point forward which is why I told her that I had feelings for him.

If she had said that it would cause her too much trouble, pain whatever I would not have acted any further and would just have to get over it. What else could I do? She has not said that though.

[LazyWoman]

Crazy - the first thing you need to do is make sure you're not pregnant! If not, you've had a lucky escape. If you are, then that's a whole new ballgame!

If not, from what you've said, I think you need to give this guy some time - at least a month or two - before you say anything. Set a date in your mind and it may help you to do your work more easily

After that, if this guy wants to see you a regular basis, then go ahead. It sounds like you have a very good best friend but I don't see why you have to go out as a foursome.

Then, if your relationship with this man becomes REALLY serious, then it may become awkward - it depends on the situation. But don't run before you can walk - just take it a step at a time, that's all you can do.

Wishing you luck...

[Crazylady123]

She is a great friend. Not sure I deserve her right now but I will work hard to be the friend she needs. She has tried to suggest situations where we could spend time together in a group outside of work to see if that would help the situation which was sweet of her.

She did suggest waiting a bit as I said in my opening post so perhaps you are right, it must be hard no matter how amicable the divorce is and I would imagine seeing me would be far different from seeing someone his dw/ex dw never knew.

How long after sex can a pregnancy test give you accurate readings?

[Crazylady123]

She is a great friend. Not sure I deserve her right now but I will work hard to be the friend she needs. She has tried to suggest situations where we could spend time together in a group outside of work to see if that would help the situation which was sweet of her.

She did suggest waiting a bit as I said in my opening post so perhaps you are right, it must be hard no matter how amicable the divorce is and I would imagine seeing me would be far different from seeing someone his dw/ex dw never knew.

How long after sex can a pregnancy test give you accurate readings?

[Crazylady123]

Oops! Pressed the button twice there!

[DivaSkyChick]

You know that book, "He's not that into you"?

Telling you he wants to be single for a year means simply he doesn't want to be with you.

Sorry that sounds harsh but it's pretty clear from what you wrote.

I would just count yourself REALLY lucky that this didn't explode your friendship. Yes, everyone is adult here, blah blah blah but adults have feelings and friends don't date close friends' husbands.

[LazyWoman]

Hi again Crazy Lady, you asked "How long after sex can a pregnancy test give you accurate readings?"

Here is a link for an answer to that question - from what you've said, you should be pretty near the time you can get an accurate reading. Please do get it done though asap - it really is THE issue you need to deal with first.

www.nhs.uk/chq/Pages/948.aspx?CategoryID=54&SubCategoryID=127

DivaSkychick - I think your last comment was a bit harsh. Surely, you should be able to take each situation on its merits? And it sounds as if Crazy's friend really is supportive of this relationship.

However, I do think the reality of actually going out in a foursome with all their history etc. could be very awkward (if it ever comes to that, that is)

[Crazylady123]

Hi, Thanks for the messages.

Diva - it was harsh but perhaps true, it is something I have to consider.

There are two possibilities - one that, as he does not know how his ex wife would respond to this situation he is not prepared to tangle himself too much and two - that he really just does want to be single.

It is more likely the second option but I guess time will tell, he has had a relationship with someone else so there is always the chance that he will again if he met the right one. There is no reason why I could not be the right one if the corcumstances were right it is just working out how you know they are right to say something to him.

Lazy - Thanks for the link, I will check that out and do something constructive instead of just whinging!

Thanks!

[LoveMyGirls]

I would take a pg test 2 weeks after sex then another a week after that if neg.

I would talk to him in a casual way, just say you enjoyed that night and you have told your bf and she has said its fine (maybe he said no to a relationship because he felt guilty about her, as you said they have split amicably and maybe he doesn't want to upset her?) Ask if you could just take it slowly and see where it goes?

If you don't ask you don't get.

[Dior]

Agree with LMG - at least you will know for definite then. Be prepared for rejection though.

[Metatron]

Crazy lady - can't help with the rest, but I had an implant removed and got a BFP 6 weeks later with no bleeding prior to it.

[Crazylady123]

I will wait until next weekend and take a test then - it will be two weeks by then - and see what happens.

I will see if I can find the right time to speak to him and put my cards on the table, a rejection would hurt like hell but maybe better getting it out of the way than torturing myself all of the time.

Finding the right time will be complicated since we are usually at work and that is not a great environment for that sort of thing but I will see how it goes.

He was out this weekend at a 30th birthday celebration for his best friend and he has told my best friend that he had a great time - too good to tell all in a text - which is a little concerning!!

If it was as good as my imagination seems to think then I won't say anything at all since he would be holding true to the being single)and therefore sowing his oats) speech and I would just embarrass myself too much.

The whole situation is bizarre and sureal, my friend helped me pick a valentine's card for him today! She is amazing and so supportive but there are times when we stop and shake our heads in disbelief at this situation!

I won't be giving the card if he is dallying with other girls because it would be too humiliating. It still be that even if he is not!

[saphron]

re Implanon, I had mine taken out in the morning, and after 3 years of no periods, I had started my periods again by tea time (honest guv) and they were every 28 days after that. So, yes pregnancy (and STI's, get a check up) is possible.

[Crazylady123]

Oh... That does not sound hopeful then.

I thought my periods were on their way as my breasts are very tender to the point of being sore - particularly when I take my bra off (oh the shame!) and my nipples are sensitive too.

So far nothing but then my periods have been up and down for years after a hormone imbalance, alergic reaction to the pill, the implant and a miscarriage.

[N1]

I think a lesson that can be gained from here is that you know the bloke is in a relationship and he had sex with you (and you him). You know about his situation with his wife because you and she talk.

The bloke likes to fly. If you and he did get into a relationship, and he continued to travel. Can you honestly think that he will remain committed to the relationship? The first sign of rejection (by him) and you might be asking if the bloke is being unfaithful.

You putting your cards on the table might sound like a logical and practical plan. You are also making yourself more vulnerable and there isn't much indication that he will do the same.

The one night was just one night. A pregnancy test can give an answer on day 14 and on. I think you should do the test sooner rather than later. Get a pack that has more than one test in it.

The bloke needs to get the divorce out the way. The process can be stressful and can make people change. You might be better off waiting for a few months to see how things go. If the bloke is going to do anything then it should be more obvious in the next few months. Having sex again is going to cause you to develop more feelings for the bloke, which you don't want it rejection is the likely course.

If the bloke is really interested in you and it's not been obvious yet, ask yourself if his interest would ever show and is the interest limited to sex and friendship or does the interest move into the relationship level.

One way or another, waiting a few months shouldn't cause any harm. You should know if the wait is a good idea.

[gagamama]

I have no real advice, but I have to say your friend sounds incredible! Two small things with regards to your friendship though - if your friend is still 'great friends' with her ex, how would that affect your relationship with her if he either rejects you or you break up further down the line? Also, if her ex doesn't like her new DP, would that cause problems with your friendship further down the line if you were to get together?

Unless you suspect there might be sinister motived to her kindness, I'd put the friendship with your friend first. Which it sounds like you're doing.

[Crazylady123]

Thanks for the replies, they are certainly making me think. Some of the things being said I know already deep down but seeing them in black and white from someone else does make them hit home a bit.

I took a test this evening and it was negative. I have bought three so I will take another one in a week or so to make sure.

I would however like to say that he is not in a relationship. He has been separated for two years now and they are sorting out the divorce this year. He has had a brief relationship since they split but nothing other than a couple of blind dates since.

I realise that technically they are still married but since they are separated I don't think either one of them think they are cheating on the other. I use discussions with my friend on this one.

It still does not make what happened right because of my close relationship with my friend though.

I think I will take a bit more time to think on it before doing anything just in case. He can be difficult to read at times and he does keep things close to him so unless he came out and said anything I would never know what he was feeling. I don't want to make life (even) more difficult for myself unnecessarily.