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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Male pride?

13 replies

trytoohard · 22/01/2009 08:12

ok, namechanging semi-regular, semi-lurker (actually have used this name before but I have no imagination to think up a new one.)

Last year we moved 100 miles to allow DH to start new job... DH was then made redundant early November - completely not his fault and actually I thought he took it fairly well. The news timed perfectly with a substantial pay rise for me, so money-wise its not a crisis.

He's always been a bit of a lazy-arse, but now its just a lot more obvious (if the next comments make people 'recognise' me, please don't out me; I really don't want dh to know my normal name, and if he spots this he'll know its about him). We don't have kids (I joined MN when we were TTC a few years back) and he doesn't have to get up to work every day, so I guess I can understand why he stays in bed til midday every day.

What I don't understand is why he won't do any housework unless I give him a direct instruction AND a reason why I'm not doing it myself. Why he won't apply for JSA (I know we're not on the breadline, but we're not so well off it wouldn't make a difference). Why he won't even tell his parents he's unemployed. Could all of these just be pride?

Does anyone have any ideas how I can start 'correcting' this without making it worse! ie. not saying "Oy lazy arse! I'm out working all day - the least you could have done was get the washing out that I put on before I left" Should I actually not be correcting this? Maybe a bit more space and understanding would be better than nagging?

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PuzzleRocks · 22/01/2009 08:31

Bumping for you.

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unavailable · 22/01/2009 08:51

Sorry, but I think you need to give him LESS space and understanding.

In the present economic climate, it may take him a long time to find another job (is is actively trying?) In the meantime, his job is to keep house. Also, if he is entitled to benefits, he should not wait until you are financially struggling to apply - they will not backdate.

There is no reason why his family should know, I suppose, but they may be able to help/ keep an eye open for possible jobs etc.

Being unemployed is not a reason to feel ashamed (as it sounds as if he is) but behaving like a selfish idiot is!

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trytoohard · 22/01/2009 10:52

'is he actively trying' (to jobhunt) - as far as I know he is... if I ask him then I tend to get my head bitten off, so I don't ask often! He does occaisionally ask for comment about whether I think a job in a town is close enough to commuute to, so I think he's looking. He hasn't been to any interviews yet though.

I've asked him whether he wants to retrain, or if he's seen any courses he'd like to do in the meantime. He makes interested noises, but then doesn't ever do anything about it.

I guess really what I'm trying to decide is whether he is just being plain lazy (in which case I shall start nagging a bit harder) or whether its a justifiable pride or confidence issue (in which case I'm prepared to step a little more carefully)?

Thanks for the reply! (and to puzzle rocks for the bump )

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cestlavielife · 22/01/2009 12:31

so I guess I can understand why he stays in bed til midday every day.

no is not understandable. he will make himself depressed - he needs something to get out of bed for - a hobby, the gym, siwmming, jogging anything. otherwise he will get more and more depressed.

how long will this continue?

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Itsthawooluff · 22/01/2009 12:41

I read something recently which said that if you were made redundant you had to make "getting a job" your full time job. I took this to mean spending at least 9-5 hunting / applying / researching etc.

At the moment it sounds like he hasn't taken this on board. Unless he is doing a full time job of trying to find work, I would be tempted to make some comment about the house work - pride / confidence or not. (But I'm a big fan of tough love!)

Good luck

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cmotdibbler · 22/01/2009 12:43

I'd go for plain lazy. When DH lost his job a few years ago, before DS, he got up with me in the morning, and was applying for several jobs a day, plus doing all the housework, cooking, redecorating etc etc. We found the money for him to finish learning to drive too as he didn't have time when working (out 6.30, back 7.30), so that he could apply for jobs that couldn't be accessed via public transport. He also applied for jobs that were a hard commute, just to try and get something.

Also let everybody he possibly knew that he was looking, just in case.

I'd sit down and say, right, as this is going on now, you don't want to have to nag everyday, so can you agree the tasks that he will do each day so that you don't have to. See how he goes from there

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elastamum · 22/01/2009 13:02

Is he depressed? If you think not maybe you need to have a long face to face chat about what is happening and try to understand why he lacks motivation. It is possible to get a job atm but it is really hard work.

I have just gone back to work ft after my H left us in a fairly senior job and I did make it my day job for several weeks to get in front of people and get interviews even though it meant getting the train back and forth to london a ( we are up north). You also have to face a lot of rejection, it may be that he is lacking in confidence, but thats no excuse for not doing anything around the house. It is not unreasonable to ask him to do a full day at something whilst you are out working. He should also get out and exercise every day as that is good for confidence / energy levels

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hungrierhippo · 22/01/2009 13:12

trytoohard, I do understand why you would worry as I imagine male pride has a lot to do with it.

My husband was made redundant a month after I returned to work after maternity leave. He got a decent payout so we weren't worried about money in the short term but he did treat finding a new one as a full time job almost immediately. I was fine with him to take a month off or so, spend some time with DS etc but he was quite determined. I think he felt he would get into a rut like your DH if he didn't. He applied for jobs and went for interviews which he had no intention of accepting but wanted to keep up momentum.

The downside of this was that he still didn't do anything around the house (well, that's not true but he certainly didn't turn into a house husband). I still had to take DS to nursery and pick him up, do the washing etc on my days off. However, I felt this was acceptable as I didn't want to demoralise him in his job hunting.

Maybe you could put this to your DH. Either he makes a concerted effort to find a job or he takes over the house for the time being. Both of these necessitate getting out of bed!

If he won't do things without direct instruction - give him direct instruction!!! Eventually he'll get fed up of our todo lists and do it off his own back.

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trytoohard · 22/01/2009 14:34

ok, sounds like I might have to get my head out of the sand and try to do something about this then.

It's so good to be able to come to MN and find out I'm not being unrealistically demanding!

Thanks for all the replies/suggestions.

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ThumbBurns · 22/01/2009 14:39

I would agree TTH - he is being a lazy arse and you are letting him get away with it by being too understanding.

When my DH was looking for work post-degree, it took him 9m and that irritated hell out of me, despite knowing that he was applying for graduate training schemes - but at least he did all the shopping, most of the cooking and keeping the kitchen clean! Ok, he wasn't crash hot at the rest, but at least he was doing something!

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MorrisZapp · 22/01/2009 15:58

Agree with the majority here. My DP is regularly under the threat of redundancy and he has a plan in place - full time study to finish his exams followed by full time work seeking.

If your DP gets in a rut then he may end up losing motivation to do anything. You can be constructive and cheerful about it, but it does sound like he needs a motivational chat (ie a boot up the backside)!

Good luck - so sorry he's lost his job.

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sparklefrog · 23/01/2009 19:11

I'm not a regular poster, but just wanted to say...Are you sure he is entitled to JSA?
Or are you talking about contribution based JSA?
I know if it were the DH who was working and the wife lost her job, DH would be expected to support her until she found another job, especially since you say you have a decent paid job, is it still the same rules the other way round?

From what you've said on here, he sounds depressed, but imo, he will only get more and more depressed the longer it takes him to return to work, so I would put my foot down.

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trytoohard · 23/01/2009 21:35

I think he's entitled to contribution based JSA - but what I've specifically asked him to do is to find out what/if he can claim. If he can claim it will be make my life easier, therefore I don't understand why he can't be bothered to find out? I don't see that it makes any difference to this whether its means tested or contribution based?

Anyway, we kind of have some progress today - he did do some cleaning while I was out at work. AND he's announced he might have an interview lined up for next week. I wonder if he read this yesterday

Thanks to all those who suggested depression, it's reminded me to try and encourage him more again rather than just slaughter him.