Emotional Domestic Abuse - I can't believe it

[iLikeDots]

I have been with my DP for over 8 years, we have a 3yr old DD together.

We have just split up after the last few years of arguing etc. When i first met by DP, he cut me off from my friends, told me they were no good and they hated me.

To cut a long story short it escalated into him calling the police 2 times (999) and humiliating me in-front of my neighbors and my daughter. As i have left he is now saying that he is going to for full custody of our DD.

I have now spoken to Outreach and they have said I have a text book case of emotional domestic abuse. Everyone has told me in the past that this is what has been happening and i have only just realised it.

I feel like an idiot and a bad mother.

Anyone else been through the same?

[leoleosuperstar]

You are not an idiot or a bad mother.

More people will be along with good advice soon.

[SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore]

My xp told me he would have custody of dd1 before she turned 3. She has never clapped eyes on him all her life, nor have I.

My current twanker tells me he is taking the children 'fine' says I . The idea wasn't too appealing after that

I wouldn't put much thought into what men say as what they actually do is very often a completely different thing.

He is trying to get control of you again.

[TheStatueOfLiffey]

I've been through it too. See puffle's thread. These men are clones of eachother. They follow the bully-boy manual to the letter.

I was in the Citizens Advice office and I read a pamphlet about domestic abuse. My x did every single thing on it except raping me. I couldn't believe it. I knew he was a nightmare, but I didn't realise 'til I left that he was such a predictable example of a controlling man.

[iLikeDots]

Yes he is. Our DD loves me and her dad. So, as he works during the week, i have her then and he has her at weekends.

He always changes the goal posts about whats happening. I don't complain as DD loves to be with him and i don't want to upset her.

When we aurge on the phone, DD hides , and after i put the phone down she comes out and says to my mum/dad ( i have moved back as a SAHM) ' Daddy hits mummy".

It breaks my heart. As she lives with me, mum, and dad, she has gone up to both of them and said daddy says " daddy loves me' " mummy hates me "

[Unlikelyamazonian]

My H said he would get custody of our baby while I was actually pregnant. he said 'it's what I would expect of him' being a nice guy an all. Twisted, abusive logic.

You are not an idiot...look how clever you are for seeing it now! He sounds a right bully.

Call Womens Aid. They come round and give you a good straight talking to and make you feel you are normal but too ruddy soft.

Call your best friend...I bet she's nice.

He won't get custody.

Make a list, from what you can remember, of events, incidents, times, dates.

Order an Indian or Chinese or Pizaa, lock the doors and have a lovely deep hot bath with smellies in it.

And keep posting. I am not very good at this stuff but loads of others are!
xx

[iLikeDots]

I have been keeping a diary since we spilt Unlikely. I, just can't believe that everyone who is close to me was telling me what was happening and I kept making excuses for him !

I was sent a book by Outreach called " Living with the Dominator" and they say if i phone back they will set up a face to face meeting for me with one of their workers.

[ANTagony]

Yep been there. Firstly giving of yourself to a relationship and respecting anothers views re other friendships is not the sign of a bad mother but someone respectful of their partner and hence demonstrates good relationship skills. Someone who manipulates that trust and attempts to socially isolate their partner to presumably somehow make themselves feel better is weak.

The DD custody thing is what my ex throws at me regarding our 2 DS (1 and 3) when he left (2 and 5 now). I have had more sleepless nights over this threat than anything else. Fortunately he acidentally admitted that the abuse had on occassion been physical (me and DS1, then 3) in a quick retort email he sent. It cost a lot of solicitors time to give me any confidence in the unlikelyhood of him getting the boys. 18 months on I've had the odd solicitors letter off him suddenly demanding to take the boys away for long periods for him to turn around and say he never ment that.

Icing on the cake he's a parenting author and appears in the written press on TV and the radio etc as a loving father.

The bad mother thing does take a while to get over (I think every mother has doubtful days anyway) Your self confidence will return over time - take it one day at a time and make sure you do little things for yourself each week. What about some Happy New Year cards to old friends?

I contacted some uni friends I'd not contacted in 11 years and several have kids born within weeks of mine. We've had a few meet ups its great rediscovering me. Facebook was a good starting point for finding people and breaking the ice again.

Find yourself a good shoulder to cry on (here is good) don't internalise things - no doubt a habit that you've formed from the emotional abuse and make sure you're living for what you and your DD can have/ be not the past.

I quite like the knowledge that Barak Obama had two broken homes as a child and has made it to where he is - your daughter to can be anything but most importantly you both can and deserve to be happy.

[SixSpot]

You are not an idiot or a bad mother. Talk to your HV - some areas offer 'freedom training' which can be really useful.

[cestlavielife]

sounds familiar... i left with three dcs last year...14 years of arguments..

let him apply for custody thru the courts. is prob just bluffing..

as was said -
Make a list, from what you can remember, of events, incidents, times, dates.

do you have witnesses to any incidents?

read the articles on domestic abuse and recognize him for what he is.
get the lundy bancroft book amazon -
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft (Paperback - 1 Sep 2003)
20 Used & new from £6.53

do not engage with him - that is the mantra i repeat to myself -

stop arguing on the phone -stick to email or text msg to agree contact drop offs.

dont discuss anything else.

the more you continue to engage with him and his arguments the more he continues to control you.

and...it takes a long time to get out of this habit..but you can do it!

you cannot change his behaviour butyou can change your reaction to it - decide from today you will not engage in arugments, you will only discuss drop off and collection times. nothing else.

and log all intimidating phone calls etc.

[iLikeDots]

I just worry that because we have spilt up and he be irate about it, that will upset our DD.

[iLikeDots]

I agree cest. It's always better to have things on email for example , as you have solid proof that you tried to get in touch.

[puffle]

I would love to be in your position and having left my P. I have only just realised that he has emotionally abused me for years .

How did you leave?? If you don't mind my asking??

[TheStatueOfLiffey]

Puffle you will be over here with us soon. The ones who got away come and join us.

Piffle, grab your children's birth certs and a few documents, grab the children's coats and walk to your parents house now.

It's as complicated as you make it. I ummmd and awed about the logistics for years. YEARS. And then, on the day I left I left with the clothes we were all standing up in. and everything fell into place.

Are your MUm and Dad at home now??

[iLikeDots]

I left as he used to call the police if i didn't do what he wanted too. Failing that he would call my parents really late at night.

I have to admit that since being with him I have had a drink problem in the evenings when I had to drink so much to mask the pain i felt inside of what i was he was doing to me. He spread rumors about me to the neighbors, he says he tells everyone he meets what a shit mother i am. And he says he has spys everywhere who know what I'm up too.

I am just a bit mixed up at the moment ad i have finally seen the truth and what others close to me have been telling for many years.

[TheStatueOfLiffey]

Wow, astonishing narcissism and self-delusion there, that he thought the police would back him up. As though you were a disobedient dog.

[TheStatueOfLiffey]

It's a tough time ilikedots, and I'm glad the police have a programme for you. As they used to say at the beginning of the bionic man, "we can rebuild you, we can make you stronger" and you'll feel so much stronger just a bit further down the line.

It is kind of overwhelming for me reading these threads, as 20 months ago I was on that rollercoaster. If I got into the shower and there was no hot water it might make me cry.

Can I suggest jogging???? It is so good for quickly re-building that feeling of core strength iyswim. That, "I am a strong person, I am a real person, I count, my life IS worth a lot"... Not just a physical benefits, I assure you.

[iLikeDots]

I agree The Statue. Getting out and about does make anyone feel better ! Thanks for the advice. I was told i had clinical depression 13 yrs ago and still try to be strong ! And i hope i am !

[TheStatueOfLiffey]

I've been on anti-Ds twice too, once before I met x and once with him. Supposedly because I had PND, but really because I was so crushed and trapped and bullied and couldn't admit that and didn't know what to do about it, so I just said, yeah, pnd.

[iLikeDots]

I always think that it's wrong that GP's give you pills and offer no therapy

[TheStatueOfLiffey]

ps and the point I meant to make about that, is that although leaving was a rollercoaster and I felt emotional and overwhelmed sometimes, I never felt that utter despair and depression about my future that I had with him.

[iLikeDots]

i agree thestatue. But must go now as DD needs to go to bed ! Thanks for your support

[noonki]

Hi I likedots, I have worked with women who have left their ex's because of domestic abuse.
I am full of respect for you. It can seem impossible to leave when someone has told you that you want manage on your own. You have done the best thing ever for your DD. You've shown her that when people treat you badly you don't stay with them. That is possibly the most important message you can give a child.

In my eyes that makes you a brilliant mother.

The outreach workers can be brilliant. If you don't click with yours sometimes you can request another one. I would also go to your GP and have a long discussion about your depression. Given the emotional abuse you have suffered I would request CBT (cognitive Behavioural Therapy) which can help you reassess how your thought patterns. (if your told your shit long enough you can start to believe it must be true, CBT can help you break that mindset). Also anti-depressions can be a good way to click out of depression. (watch out for the first 3 weeks as they can make you worse, also some of them you really can't drink on)

I'm sure you are aware that the drinking is only making things worse, if you think it is getting out of hand maybe it's time to start addressing that to. From my personal experience depression plus drink leads to far worse depression.

I think you are incredibly strong and brave, all the luck in the world for you and your DD. And remember if you can make the break from him you can do just about anything you put your mind to.

[Alambil]

Hi Dots - I have been there too

I've blocked a lot of what happened out, but I only left when it became physical punches - I wasn't there long (18 months) but in that time he'd raped me to conceive DS and emotionally abused me - then when DS was 6m old, he tried to throw me out the car on a 60mph road, and then stopped and punched me in the face when we were at our temporary flat (waiting council housing) - I rang my parents from a neighbours and they rescued me.

That was nearly 6 years ago now so I'm a long way down the road.

You are incredibly brave and smart - NEVER think you're shit or stupid. You aren't. Emotional abuse is so insidious that it creeps up on you and you barely notice it for a while - then it's just "a bit" bad because it's "only" words.

Well done for escaping. I wish you all the best for your future.

[iLikeDots]

Just an update. Someone from Outreach is phoning me on Monday and from there we will arrange a meet up so she can support me and tell me the legal side of what i need to do.

I still feel very stupid for not realising what was happening to me but when i read the info they sent me i was OMG why didn't i realise.

Thanks for everyone who posted - i am feeling a bit more positive.