I think DH is addicted to computer gaming. Anyone got some good advice?

[TheBestMum]

Can spend 10-12 hrs each day at w/ends, 3-6 hrs in weekday evenings and is increasingly sneaky about it.
Going on for few years now & he's not only missing out on ds's lovely years (2.8) but not pulling weight with parenting.
I think it's depression related (hating work, poor childhood issues, difficulty bonding with ds, our relationship worsening because of gaming). Crazy cycle.
Refused to come to Relate in November so i went on own but after few weeks was pointless as he not there to contribute.
Gave him warnings that if gaming didn't reduce & he didn't do more with ds & me, we'd go home for Christmas but things carried on...so I went to parents for C'mas.
Was bit of shock for DH but things have got bit better since but just don't know what to do next. Went to solicitors for advise as was so close to leaving if things didn't get better ASAP & this shocked him too.
He def needs therapy, if not just for the depression as I think this the root of the gaming.
Where can I seek info for this sort of addiction??

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

www.gamcare.org.uk

Telephone no:- 0845 6000 133

They can give you support.

[TheBestMum]

Thanks Attila will check them out

[prettyfly1]

hey there - my partner is bad like this as well and it is driving me crazy. Sunday night i said i didnt mind if he spent an hour on it - two and a half hours later i had to scream at him to get off cause i had spent all night cooking and he had left me sitting downstairs waiting for him to come cook a meal. He is lying to me about doing household chores etc when he is actually online.It started when his last relationship broke down and i know when he was out of work for a time last year it took over his life - he would ignore calls from friends to meet them so he could play on it. It stopped for a few months when he didnt have internet access and our relationship improved unbelievably but now it is steadily increasing again and i just think it is bloody rude!! He only moved in a month ago and i am seriously reconsidering at the moment where the relationship is going - surely it should have made my life esier to share the load - now i have all of his bills, washing, cooking, cleaning etc to do as well as everything else. Particularly when i am supporting him through college and doing absolutely everything in the house. I came in this morning and nearly cried at the state of my kitchen - this is after he was supposed to have cleaned it (read that as folded the clothes and left them all over the sides along with just about everything else in the house). gamcare not right for me as it is not a gambling issue. They seem to think it is a substitute for real life and it just isnt. If i sat on the phone to my friends night after night then he would rapidly have something to say. grrrr. Bloody eve. Lets get a new thread started - a petition to get those blxxdy sites shut down permanently.

[prettyfly1]

not cook a meal btw - eat his dinner

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

prettyfly

I have to ask why you are with someone like this. He's no partner to you is he, think you'd be better off on your own. He sounds like an immature manchild, someone who needs mothering or someone to leech off on.

You are also playing a role in this situation too because you are his enabler. You cannot and should not enable him because it won't do you (or him) any good at all.

[Alibear1]

He doesn't play warcraft or one of those online ones does he? They are a killer for getting people all sucked in - I used to play one and IMO it is impossible to play them for just a little time because you can only complete certain parts with other people so you have to do them when others are doing them and the community 'rules' are that you lose the rewards if you drop out part way through.
As I say I played one for a time when I didn't have lots of other commitments and it was great fun, but I don't subscribe anymore.

You really need to get him to agree to not play those type of games, if he must game then needs to be a stand alone thing so that there is less 'need' to play all the time.

[prettyfly1]

yip - thats the one - eve its called - what a sodding nightmare. I am with him because in many many other ways there are lots of other good things and he can be great but yes this is becoming a huge problem for me.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

prettyfly1,

Re your comment:-

"I am with him because in many many other ways there are lots of other good things and he can be great but yes this is becoming a huge problem for me".

He's not going to stop playing this just on your say so.

Purely going by your original post also you have written nothing positive at all to say about this manchild. I therefore ask what, if anything, are you getting out of this relationship?. You frigtened of being on your own?. He's only been there a month, what's it going to be like after a year?. You sound like you've taken over where his Mother left off.

Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied.

[prettyfly1]

Nope not frightened at all - was single for ten years, run my own company and can walk on my own with no trouble at all - I also like my own company so am not even slightly afraid of the return to single hood. however the problem started when he moved in - the internet thing is a recent, increasing issue as is the sudden dependency and although we have not been together for that long I have known him a long time and know that there is more to him. I think yes he is taking me for granted and yes it is time for a long, long talk but I dont believe having bought him into my sons life that going "right your taking the piss" after a month is the right way to go. I think setting clearer boundaries and clear instructions are a better way and i have already stated that if the internet thing doesnt improve then i will simply turn the broadband off, put locks on the pcs and treat him like the child he is behaving like. I have a wireless network as well so its quite feasible.

[prettyfly1]

although attila being straight with you - i am asking myself if he is like this now what will a year or ten years bring. I am not amused put it that way.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Excellent that you are not frightened.

I just wonder what somebody like you who does come across as both intelligent and worldy wise has ended up with this person. You cannot act as his rescuer or saviour in this relationship; either approach does not work. He is showing you disrespect by his actions.

You are enabling him by your actions too and that is sad. You just give yourself a false sense of control. Why can't he put his own self through college, why have you taken that on?. You sound like you've taken over from where his Mother laid off. Where would he be if he was not with you?. I am sorry to write the above because I don't want to upset you but you have not written anything positive about him at all. He is not a good role model for your son either is he?.

If someone else was telling you all this about their man, what would you say?.

Setting clear boundaries etc is all very good but that should have happened the moment he started to live with you. He sounds like an overgrown teen/immature manchild. He won't like having his toys taken away from him and he'll have a go, accuse you of nagging him.

[prettyfly1]

yip i know. The funny thing is i know in his previous relationships it was the other way round - he did everything she took everything. Re: enabling i think it is actually possibly my taking control of everything that is creating this "kid" reaction in him. The deal was supposed to be i would support the college thing, which is effectively 20 hours a week and he would take the lead on everything else. he used to be an accountant so is supposed to be managing everythign to do with my business in that sense as well but it just isnt happening. It is almost like the stronger i am and the harder i work the less he is - am i emasculating him?? I thought i was doing a good thing, letting him change a career he hated for one he would love and supporting him through it and yet at the moment i feel frustrated and resentful. sigh...anyway totally hijacked this thread - to op - no you are not alone in this on their forums they have whole threads about hwo they stop their girlfriends nagging them and manage their online time. its insane. and there are literally millions of them doing it.

[prettyfly1]

p.s my dp suffers from depression as well and yes it is related - escapism. that said he knew i was furious with him yesterday so didnt play on it at all.