Can love come back?

[MelAndColly]

Thanks for listening. I have been married to the same man for almost 20 years. We met and married quickly, but were together for many years before we had DC's (now 11 & 8). We both have jobs, money is not flush but its not dire.
But I feel lonely in our marriage. There is not much intimacy (we rarely make love) and we have occasional bouts of arguments, have usual bickers. Its just all so empty.
Can love come back? I have thought about leaving but I am not sure I want to be without him, and the thought of separating him from the DCs makes me feel physically sick - it would absolutely break his heart, and he's a good dad.
I've tried to tell him how I feel, but he feels threatened and scared by my unhappiness. He claims to love me very much - but I don't feel loved.
Is this just the beginning of the end? Or can we save it?I just feel lost.

[snoringnightmare]

Bumping for you.

tbh, I don't have any answers for you but hopefully somebody lovely will come along soon with some wise words.

[Watoose]

You do sound a bit depressed. Maybe?

[Watoose]

Sorry, I mean that it doesn's sound like there is much wrong, just that you can't feel anything for him.

I get a bit like that when I am depressed. It's as though I know things are alright but I can't feel it. Does that make sense?

[notsoclever]

When I found myself in a similar situation I made a conscious decision that I DID want to stay in this relationship, and then I set about deliberately finding things to like / love / lust-after in dp.

I had a deliberate strategy of doing nice things for him - little things I knew he would appreciate (making a little snack for him to eat when he came in from work; leaving notes on his pillow when I was away; putting the new toilet roll on the holder). Not being a domestic drudge but just remembering how these things would have been a joy not a chore when we first met.

I made a positive decision to set aside my irritations with him (they build up into a real pile of resentment and depression) - just noticed them if they happened and set them aside.

It all made me feel more loving and appreciative, and also more loved and appreciated and then, over time, back in love again.

I found that when I didn't feel loved and appreciated I felt a bit low and depressed and found it difficult to find love for him. Once I started taking specific action, I started to feel better, more alive and more able to love.

There was some wise writer (don't remember who) who observed that when people first meet and fall in love they are conscious only of their similarities, so you get people who are totally incompatible who are like "OMG we are so alike, do you know we both hate walnuts! He is my soul mate" Then as you fall deeper in love and become more familiar you stop noticing the similarities (after all neither of you will try walnuts again so you don't rediscover this), and you notice the differences and become irritated by them. Putting aside the irritations leaves much more space in your heart for love (and humour, which i find helps).

[bubblagirl]

i think you sound depressed and not looking at how to fix it but concentrating on there being a problem

love can come back with effort but you need to happy with yourself first a confidence and loving yourself gives you the boost needed to make the effort

my dp and myself go through these bouts as i can have really low confidence at times and just think negative thought but when i make the effort text him tell him im going to do nice dinner etc i'll get ds to bed dress nice give him big kisds when he comes home light candles and have a nice dinner

put a comedy on to lighten mood and just snuggle and enjoy usually leads to great sex and i feel so much closer to him straight away and i feel sexy again

love doesn't really [unless you know for sure you don't like that person anymore] go we just tend not to use it to our advantage and let it lay dormant for while

have cuddly evenings go on a date its so easy to say im to tired or cant be bothered but when actually making the effort it feels great makes you feel so much closer

he is obviously reassuring you but you dont believe him so your feeling down you need to work out why and then work on that i am the same with my dp but i am working on it and things are really going back on track again good luck xx

[sockmonkey]

I have to agree with the other posters on this thread. Making a consious effort to be nicer, and do more together makes a huge difference. It's so easy after being with someone for a long time to get bogged down in the day to day running of your household, that it's easy to forget that it's not just the house that needs looking after. It sounds daft logic but doing that little something special for your DH can make you feel better too.

[moyasmum]

I dont think you are depressed at all, you are raising a perfectly reasonable concern.

I guess you have tried to be "nice" and constructive , but clearly this is not reciprocated and sometimes "i love you" is a sop to stop you asking questions he doesnt want raised.

There may still be love, however, but i guess if he cant help you when you need proper intimacy then it may be difficult to see.

i know its easier said than done but try to build yourself up in other ways, if when you look back at him, you still want to be with him ,then good. If ,when you look back, hes a stranger who lives in your house and is good with the kids, then theres your answer.

[sayithowitis]

Is it that the love has gone or is it just hiding? I do think it is possible to re build a lovng relationship, but obviously that is easier if the love hadn't really gone in the first place. From some of your comments, it sounds to me as though the love has actually been mislaid, not gone completely. In that case, I would agree that treating your DH with love and doing those little things for him, could be enough to remnd him how nice it feels and to encourage him to do the same for you. It is so easy after many years of marriage, to become so caught up in the nitty gritty of family life and responsibilities, that you end up forgetting to show how much you love each other.

It happened to me and DH but, thankfully, we are so back on track now it is unreal! It feels like the early days of our relationship all over again, but much stronger and better because we already know each other so well that we are making use of our knowledge of each other to keep things exciting, rather than just learning through trial and error like at the start. A lot of it is because we both now do those little things for each other that we had got out of the habit of doing.The cup of tea when he/I get home from work, the neck massage when he knows I've had a stressful day at work, asking about his day and genuinely being interested, telling him I love him by text in the middle of the day, holding hands when we go out, even just to the supermarket.

You sound as though you do love him but like us, you have got out of the habit of showing it. Start small and if you are like us, the big things will come.

We have had some totally sh*t times, not because of us, more to do with outside things, like bereavements, finances etc. We have been through a lot together and we have always supported each other, even when we forgot to be'in love' IYSWIM. It was that mutual support, a real display of true love , if you like, that convinced me our marriage was nowhere near over, we just had to re-invent it to take account of the fact that like you, we have been together a very long time, (over 30 years) and that during that time we had both grown and changed. It can be done, but it will take a while for it all to fall into place, but when it does, it is worth every minute. Good Luck.

[quinne]

The short answer is yes, but only in certain circumstances.

The longer answer would list all the circumstances but all I can say is that you might feel like your love for him has gone but it might be more to do with how you feel about you, rather than him. So if that's the problem and you start to feel better the feelings you had for him could start to return too.

Personally I don't see how you can avoid becoming dependent upon someone whom you've been with for years and years. It has happened to me and it scares me as I'd always valued my independence but I need to get used to it because I don't want to break things up. It makes you realise how hard it must be for people who are widowed after a long marriage though.

[MelAndColly]

Hi. Thank you all so much. I have really appreciated your comments and encouragement, and the message is clear - yes, we probably can revive our love, but it takes EFFORT!

[tillytips]

I would say that yes you can save it, I felt exactly the same for most of last year, in fact we both removed our wedding rings for six months as things had got so bad.

i was resentful that he had a life outside of our house (i work part time but by myself so don't get to meet anyone really)

I did everything for the kids and could only see that i did everything and he did nothing.
We had a very rough year and almost separated and i asked him to leave. He refused to go and wouldn't go to counselling either but somehow we managed to turn it around although i told him it had to be his decision, he either participated in family life or he left.

things are much better and although there is still a bit of a sex drought ( i had some gynae problems and i don't think he realised how frightenend i was to have sex incase it hurt) things are much improved.

We finally ralised that we loved each other and should we throw twenty years away because of this silly behaviour.
He gave me my wedding ring back on christmas day along with some beautiful tiffany earrings!!
He still pisses me off sometimes as i'm sure i do him but we are learning to live with it.
Our love was certainly lost not gone altogether, it just almost cost us our marriage to figure that out.
Good luck and give it your best shot.