How can I get my head around leaving? (long)

[puffle]

I have name changed but I am a regular poster. I have been thinking about posting for some advice on this but am not sure I can get it all out in writing but I'm going to try.

I have been with my DP for 8 years (we had dated for a few years prior to that but I met someone else and had a DS).

We got back together with my DS was a year old. We had a DD together nearly 4 years ago.

DP has always had a bad temper / short fuse / mood swings etc. We have split up on countless occasions over the years and after all these years I am actually realising that this is who he is and he will never change, despite promises that he will.

He has never actually hit me but has taken swings at me which I have managed to dodge. He tends to throw things around in anger / slam doors / stamp his feet.......

Anyway I realise now that I live to please him. I tip toe around him and tell the kids to do the same when he's in one of his moods. I ring him just to check what mood he is in. He has always been really fussy over the house and an hour or so before he is due home I find myself rushing around making sure everything is in place etc.

He hates all my friends, doesn't like my family, checks my emails, texts, facebook behind my back.

He is very materialistic and always has to have the best car / TV / computer etc. I am not bothered as long as the kids have what they want.

I don't think I have ever been truly happy with him TBH. I hate the mood swings so much and if he's down, it can last for weeks sometimes.

Everyone around me have always said to leave. I want to but I think I'm probably scared of him and scared of what will happen to us if we split.

We rent the house we live in jointly (we sold our house when we last split and I want to didn't buy again).

I just live life pretending everything is OK and I always have a smile for him. If ever I show that I'm down he gets angry with me.....

I know I'm probably not easy to live with because I take quite a laid back approach and if I could would prefer to spend time with the kids than cleaning but all this is making me not feel like me anymore and people have noticed.

I just don't know where to begin.

He is a good dad but is the disciplinarian and is the one that shouts, the kids know this and I think are probably a little bit scared of him too. My DD often won't hug him or kiss him and runs to me saying that she doesn't like him and he should go to jail .

When we've split before he's made things hard and said the last time that he would take me to court over DD, this makes my stomach churn and he knows this.

There are lots of factors and I could sit here and type all morning but the underlying factor is I'm not happy with him and want to leave but have no idea where to start.....

[loopylou6]

you need to leave, he is a control freak, his own daughter sounds terrified of him, as for the court thing he couldnt do that coz of her age, she will be able to voice her opinion of him.
do you have any money like a running away fund? have you got family and friends you could stay with? you say you have no idea where to start, its simple, pack your bags when he is at work and go to a relative/ friends house. big hugs.

[puffle]

Thank you. Gosh that sounds terrifying. Just packing up and going. My initial reaction to that is to shake my head and just say 'no way'!!

He's been called a control freak before and yes I guess he is.

I don't have a running away fund no. Money is tight as it is. I work so I have my own income so perhaps I could start putting money aside?? My mum and dad would be more than happy to have us stay with them but I am worried that would be really unsettling for the kids, they need their own space right? When we stayed with them before my DS had to sleep on a mattress on the floor in a room with me and DD which was awful. My P made me feel really guilty for that too.

Is it best to get a plan in action first or just take the plunge a just leave??

I spoke to my ex DP yesterday to let him know the situation and that I'm worried it's effecting DS. Unfortunately I got upset whilst talking to him though so know he concerned about us too.

[RachelG]

Some of what you say rings a bell with me. My ex wasn't as bad as this, but he certainly had a temper. He never came close to hitting me, but he used to throw things or punch the wall if he was angry.

I never knew what sort of mood he'd be in after a day at work. I'd feel tense as I heard his key in the door, wondering what mood he'd be in. If he was grumpy, I'd have to do everything I could to cheer him up - cook a nice tea, let him watch what he wanted on TV, be quiet but not too quiet, listen to him moaning about work etc. If something bad had happened (like a large bill arriving for example) I'd have to hide it from him until another day when he was in a better mood.

Other things would put him in a bad mood too - life's usual little hassles that annoy everyone, but they'd get to him far more, and he'd make no effort to "snap out of it".

We didn't have children, so at least that was one issue I didn't have to think about.

But of course, when he wasn't in a mood, he was sweet and lovely and fun.

We eventually spilt up for other reasons, and it was mutual.

Initially I was devastated, having thought he was the love of my life. But soon I began to realise how much my life had revolved around keeping him happy, and being sensitive to his moods. It's very tiring constantly watching out for how someone else feels. It's not until you break away that you can truly appreciate how much it governs your life.

I don't have any brilliant suggestions for you, except to say that I'm sure if you find the strength to leave him it'll be a decision you won't regret. I wish I'd done it sooner!

[puffle]

OMG, the RG, the part where you say everyday things would get to your Ex, my P is exactly like that, he watches the news and gets really angry about things, like he's the one being affected!!

The whole credit crunch thing really gets to him but we're all in the same boat!! I say this and he says 'just doesn't bother you does it'.......what the hell can I do about the credit crunch!

I do need to 'find' strength though, at the moment don't have it but am screaming inside to leave......can you buy it in tablet form !!

[loopylou6]

just bite the bullet and leave, you say that you dont want to unsettle your children, but believe me they will be far more unsettled living in the enviroment they are in now, they will pick up on your anxieties, even if you think you are hiding things from them. there is a better life out there for you and yuor lovely children, please leave.

[puffle]

I know you are right. I know I should leave.

How will I hope with money? I want to be in a position to support my kids. They are my everything and I need to be able to look after them properly.

[HoneyBadger]

Puffle I am so sad to read your post, and struck by the similarities with your story to my own. I first posted here 3 months ago and was taken aback when other MNers said that I was experiencing abuse. Even worse my H has started to be controlling with our DS (who is nearly 18). I have been with my DH for 26 years in total, married for 16, so I have never known anything different and thought what I was experiencing was normal or somehow my fault. It sounds as though you already realise that you are in a similar situation which might save you a year soul-searching!.

The show home thing is exactly the same with my H and we all have to be immaculately dressed etc.

I too am trying to leave my H but he will make things incredibly difficult. We own our house jointly, he will not leave and we cannot sell due to the credit crunch (he does not know the moment contracts are exchanged I would be gone!)

So my plan is to try and rent my own property and somehow do a moonlight flit. I have managed to get some money together, have seen a solicitor who has advised me not to leave but I feel I have no choice.

I am worried about taking my DD (aged 9.) Don't get me wrong I would never leave her behind but I can imagine his anger and the dramas he would create, could he get a court order to return her home?

It's all so confusing. I have been talking to Women's Aid too - they are very helpful. In fact they have recommended I go into a refuge for a short time so that I can leave safely - but unfortunately DS cannot come. So at the moment I don't know what I will do but somehow I will get out!

Puffle I have been no help to you here but wanted to let you know that you are not alone. The book "Why Does He Do that" by Lundy Bancroft that many posters recommend on here is so incredibly helpful in recognising what is happening and gives tips to leaving safely. It has given me so much strength by just understanding and I am hopeful that in the next few months somehow I will be able to leave.

I do hope that you are able to get the help you need, maybe CAB or a solicitor will be useful? The first half hour is normally free.

Thinking of you and your DC's and will watch your post with interest!

[Tillyscoutsmum]

Really sorry you are going through this

It might seem so much easier to just sit tight (better the devil you know and all that) and I know your dc's are the most important thing to you but you are honestly doing them more harm than good by staying.

There are basically two ways of leaving - you can either put money aside, gets copies of all important documents, get a free session with a solicitor and get things organised in advance (and in secret)

or leave now - go and stay with friends/relatives and work towards getting your own place in due course

The first way is probably better but if there is any chance your dp will be violent to you or the children (especially if he finds out your plans), then the second option would be safer.

Set yourself goals and a time limit - i.e. you're going to have done everything and will leave by, say, beginning of March. Start with a visit to a solicitor (aim to get an appointment before the end of the month) and work from there. It seems less scary if there is a plan in place. Tell someone you can trust in rl your plans (parents perhaps ?) so that you don't back down from them.

You and your dc's deserve to be happy and only you can make that happen. Your (d)p is clearly not going to change

[puffle]

Thank you for your wise words. HB, I hope you manage to escape too.

He just rang me and is being super nice ATM. I think he can sense something is wrong because I am keeping up the smiling face is getting harder and harder.

HB, I too sort of blame myself for somethings and question whether I am the problem. It's only from talking to others in general conversations that I have realised it isn't normal and him controlling my life is not right.

At christmas I bought a new dress for my work's do and I love it. It made me feel nice and lots of people complimented me. I hadn't seen him before I went but when I got home he said 'don't like that dress on you, makes you look really frumpy'. I believed him and felt really shite that I'd been out all night looking rough. It was by birthday too!!

I then spoke to my friend who said she couldn't believe what he'd said and he's just making me feel bad about myself, putting me down. I believed it though.

I'll look out for that book.

I think I need to take the option of getting a plan in place first. I don't want to be in a position where I have nothing behind me and the kids.

I agree that the kids pick up on a bad atmosphere, my DS (who is 9) seems to be getting a rather stroppy lately and being a bully to his sister which I hate to admit but think it might be because of P

[puffle]

I won't be on for the rest of today as he is on his way home. I'll be back on tomorrow though.

Thank you all x

[AnyFucker]

I am worried for this lady

[Fizzfiend]

Please leave. So, so easy for us outsiders to say, I know. But he is not letting you be a person..you have human rights! I would go so mad if my DH even opened my postal mail, never mind email, facebook, etc. Every person is entitled to some privacy... marriage doesn't make you one person.

You are changing your behaviour to appease him and eventually you will change your entire personality. This is not what life is about. You are so not happy.

All the women I know who have split from their DHs have had a very hard time initially (i.e. financially, space, etc) but all have come out smelling of roses and having a MUCH better life.

Start saving...it will give you a feeling that you are taking a little control of the situation.

[lovelylullaby]

Puffle, so sorry you are in this situation. Could you get a few things together, special personal effects, photos, your and your childrens' passports, a few clothes and keep them at your mums so you are ready to leave at any time. Would you be able to speak to women's aid about what kind of support there is for you. It may ease your mind about how you can start to put a new life together.

[lessonlearned]

This is so like my story and I was ashamed when the Court Welfare Officer told me my DS (11) had said that I wasn't allowed friends, because even then I was covering up and I was afraid of the consequenses of DS telling on his DD.
When you are isolated to this extent he will happily feed you his distorted view of reality and know you have nothing to challenge it.
I believed that people laughed at me behind my back, that I was a funny shape, fat, ugly, thick etc, etc, etc.
I look back now I know this was all about control and wonder how I got to be in that place when I was a confident, stunning, clever woman when I met him.
One woman at a support group said "it's like they all went to the same school, there are so many characteristics that mark out abusers" and the best tool they have is isolation. If you are communicating with anyone outside of the abuse it is a threat to their domination of you.
Whatever you do keep talking and don't bother directly challenging his opinions, or try to reason with him, you will only enrage him as he doesn't want the game to end.

[puffle]

Thanks all for your advices.

I am feeling so down at the moment. I know what I have to do but I just don't know if I physically can.

Last night he came home from work and I mentioned that I'd had a friend over for lunch yesterday. He doesn't like said friend and kicked off that I'd had her over and couldn't a find a 'normal' friend (he thinks my friend is a slapper). He said basically she wasn't allowed in the house and didn't want me going on nights out with her!! I briefly popped down the shops at about 7pm and when I got back noticed on the internet history that he'd logged into my facebook account again and gone through it.

I'm annoyed with myself though because after arguing until about 10pm he came into the room and apologised for being nasty and said he's worried about losing me and looked really sad. Stupid me got up and hugged him and told him I love him. I didn't want to do it I felt like I had to IYSWIM.

He shouted at the kids all night too.

I have spent so many years thinking this is OK and I'm the one in the wrong. Gosh it's all catching up with me now......

[squeaver]

Oh dear puffle what a sad story.

I haven't been in your situation so I'm not sure I can offer you any really constructive advice.

What I will say is this: you have made a big move forward by realising that your situation must change. That's taken a lot of strength in itself. Now you've got to find just a little more strength to do what you know you have to do.

Tilly's advice is really great. And there's lots of people on MN who've been through this so keep posting as you'll get tremendous support here.

[puffle]

I know I need to be strong and just do it but I've been with him for 8 years and I think years of having my confidence knocked is causing me to just want to curl up in a ball and hope it will go away.

[squeaver]

Do you have a RL person you can talk to?

[puffle]

Yeah I can speak to my mum and sister who are fab and my mum has said for us to pack up and go live with them. My mum is trying to keep a bit of a distance though because if she gets too involved she will kill him (her words)!!

I don't want to see my kids having to sleep on a mattress on the floor again. I did it before and it broke my heart.

[TheStatueOfLiffey]

Puffle, I identify with everything on that list. I too lived to please a bad-tempered negative man. I walked on egg shells the whole time. I foolishly channelled so much energy into maintaining the facade that he was a 'normal guy' when he was far from it. He was so nasty about my friends and family. He bullied persuaded me to leave my job. He really had me backed into a corner.

I think he had a personality disorder (narcissism) and as a result of that he was very controlling, and in the end, because he couldn't successfully control, then, abusive.

But back to your question, how can you get your head round leaving??

Well, it took me 2 yrs really. My head was an absolute sandstorm of thoughts; could he make my life worse if I left it than he could make it when I was with him??
If I left would I be replacing one set of problems with another? Had I just made my bed and should I just lie in it? How miserable is it possible to be and bare it? Do I care about being a single mother? Does that matter in today's society? What help is available to me? Who will help me? Will Will I miss this area, these friends I have now?

I lay in bed wishing he'd quietly die, wishing I'd win the lottery... I'd given up wishing he'd change or respect me as an individual with rights and feelings.

Funnily enough (ha ha, hilarious) I'd been with my x for 8 yrs when I left.

How close to leaving are you? He doesn't sound like the kind of guy who would tolerate being told that you have decided to break up!! You will probably have to leave.

Just as you fear your partner might be, my x is every bit as controlling now I've left him as I was when I left, threatening to take me to court etc,, not giving us money) but I do not see him any more, I delegate the handovers, and for all his initial huffing and puffing, he only visits the children once a month. It is bliss. I can't tell you. After months of trying to reason with him, I no longer try. And that infuriates him apparently. I have made him a non-person.

It is such freedom. I can't tell you how wonderful it is.

I have financial issues but they don't depress me. All obstacles seem less insurmountable when you aren't being dragged down on a daily basis.

You've been coping up 'til now, imagine how well you'll cope when your strength and energy aren't being sapped like this.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Puffle,

This situation will not go away though you do realise that. This is all about power and control - he wants both absolutely over you. All his behaviours are abusive and controlling your every move. He has put you in a cage of his own making.

You and your children are the victims here on a controlling and angry man. More often than not controlling men are angry ones too.
Do read that Lundy Bancroft book; it will open your eyes to such behaviour.

Re your comment:-
"I agree that the kids pick up on a bad atmosphere, my DS (who is 9) seems to be getting a rather stroppy lately and being a bully to his sister which I hate to admit but think it might be because of P".

Don't you think its because of, it IS because of your partner's behaviour that your son is angry. He's learning from this man of yours.

Who teaches us about relationships first and foremost, yes our parents. What are you both teaching your children currently?. You do NOT want your son to be forever angry and a daughter to end up with a controller like him when she is adult; that is a damaging legacy you must not leave them.

I also think that you wrote "he is a good Dad" in your initial post (well no he patently and absolutely is NOT) because like many emotionally abused and controlled women you can think of nothing at all positive at all to say about him. Your children (not just to say you) are both frightened of him; there's no probably about it.

He will destroy you all if you stay; you must make a plan of action and leave. And I do not advocate leaving lightly but leave him for good this time you must. There is no going back; going back and forth has done you no favours.

This was never a good and healthy relationship to start with and never will be.

Please talk to Womens Aid if you have not done so already. Controlling men will not let their victims go easily and you need a plan of escape. Put your own money aside as a fighting fund.

You can escape him ultimately, you can be free of him.

[Tillyscoutsmum]

puffle I was in a similar relationship when I was very young. It was different for me because we didn't have any dc's but I was with him for 7 years (from when I was 18 years old) and they do take away your confidence and make you think you are not strong enough but I promise you are.

Please be careful. There's no way he can check your messages on MN is there ? Get a plan of action a.s.a.p please

[TheStatueOfLiffey]

please read this puffle

This is my x to a t. This is the answer to WHY he was controlling and abusive.

If you read this list nodding, then you must leave. Take control of your own life. Before every last gram of YOU is sucked away.

I've Catted you

xxx

[Tillyscoutsmum]

Puffle - will you call Women's Aid ? Now ? Just make a start on some positive action. Once the ball is rolling, it will seem much less scary.

[puffle]

Attila, that brought tears to my eyes! I know you are so right and that he is effecting my DCs. Gosh I feel sick now.

Where I commented that he is a good dad, I mean that when he is in a good mood, he plays with them and spends time with them and looks after them on his days off. Is that being a good dad?

I just classified a bully as someone being physically abusive not this but it is becoming clear in my mind now.

TSOL - unfortunately, I too wish that P would die and I've not told that to anyone before. It would make things so much easier......

When he's nice he is a very lovely person but he's like jekell and hyde and the two sides are really extreme.