Need advice/ virtual mediation on logistics of split with DH....

[AccidentalMum]

We need to live apart, we are doing the kids' (1.3 and 3.4) heads in no matter how hard we try to be friendly and loving each day there isn't anything left. I would love to move closer to my family 400+ miles away but he can't as he has his DD1 (13) and he could never afford a car. He is also in very secure (if low paid) employment at the moment and would find it very difficult to get another job (no quals or much experience).

Do I have any right to up sticks and restrict his access to the DDs to 2days/fortnight? Obviously he could see hem more if he came down but realistically this is what he could manage. Would the DDs be scarred for life. He could move down in 18mths+ perhaps to study, when his DD is older.

He is a fantastic hands on fun dad who the DDs adore but childlike in so many ways (my sister refers to him as my care in the community project ).

[prettyfly1]

greatest respect in the world he isnt a care in the community project he is your dds father whom they love. You seem to be talking a lot about what you would love and what he can and cant do.

What do you feel is best for your children in the long run. Will they benefit from seeing thier father only 2 days a fortnight. Only you can answer that. I am very sorry your relationship is ending - although if it isnt a nice environmnt you are doing the right thing. I am afraid that i personally feel moving four hundred miles from a loving if imperfect father would not be right or fair.

[AccidentalMum]

No need for respect....I know it isn't a nice thing to say (or repeat).

The only reason I feel justified in moving I think is that it has been a point of argument the whole time. I really feel that we could have made more of a go of it up to now if we had had more of a support network or I could have worked as well.

[AccidentalMum]

That sounds like I would be moving out of spite .

[prettyfly1]

but its so hard for him surely with a child already here, who you must have known about when you met him and conceived your children - he is right to stay near him. I too would love to move but my dp has a child from a previous and i would never consider splitting that. It seems so sad that either way children end up with limited contact with their dads.

[AccidentalMum]

His DD1's contact is already very limited (2days/ fortnight). I have given up trying to persuade hime to be more spontaneous and take advantage of the fact that she lives relatively close. He doesn't even want to ever extend her visits when possible, eg inset days, half terms, which I keep a track of and remind him of.

[prettyfly1]

so the likeliehood is that if you were to move there would be little relationsip with your kids either. you have a lot to consider methinks.

[AccidentalMum]

Thanks for replying PF1

[BBeingpatient]

Pf1 i think you are being a little to harsh on the op actually. As she said in her OP she has tried, and as she has said she needs support so Accidental mum if you think moving back to where you feel comfortable is going to make you happier (and therefore a happier parent) as well as giving your DC's more access to loving and nurturing family members on your side, then there is absolutley no reason that you should feel guilty. If this man doesnt take advantage of seeing a DD who lives close then yeah it is possible that he will do the same to your DC's and that wuld undoubtedly eb a shame, but it wouldnt be your doing, it would be him being to childish to prioritise his life and make the effort.

I appreciate all children must come first but its not like your moving country, and its does no one any good to stay in an unhappy relationship

[prettyfly1]

not trying to say she shouldnt - as i made very clear in my posts staying in a relationship which is not working is pointless and a waste of time. But, i find it discomforting that a man who has been involved from day one who for various reasons cannot move would have so little say - how would you like having your children moved miles and miles away. As i said i can see both sides of the coins - i too would love to move - but in response to her question, on the basis of the information given so far - this is not an abusive, cruel or violent man, taking children who adore him miles and miles away for her happiness is not what I personally feel she has the right to do, and it is my personal opinion - there are lots of others who are just as valid - that to do that is very wrong - it is up to both of them to ensure they can both see their children - moving that kind of distnace when she already mentioned a low income - is not really helping. Not loving him or wanting to be with him i can understand, making it that difficult i cant. Sorry op but you asked for opinions and that is mine. Not saying i am right but that is how i feel about these situations. Men have rights too and so do children and i suspect yours wont want to see their father once a fortnight if that.

[nbird1]

My husband has been having an affair, which is still going on. I've decided to move back to my home town too, as I have no-one close as a support network for me down here either.

My DH has 2 children from 1st marriage and sees them very infrequently, probably due to their ages now (16 and 11), they have their own social agendas.

I will be moving 200 miles away, where I feel my children will be better cared for by my extended family in a loving and welcoming environment, instead of being pushed from childminder to childminder down here.

My DH has expressed his wish that I don't move them so far away, and that he couldn't afford to see them so often. He should have thought about that before he embarked on his affair. I found out yesterday that he has just booked a holiday for him and OW to go to New York for a week thats cost over £1100. Not really so skint is he?

Anyway, any decent father would move heaven and earth to be near his kids. I've told my DH that if he wanted to be near them so much, he can always move to us, not us stay down here.

I agree my kids should have plenty of contact with their father, but its about time he put them first, not himself.

[prettyfly1]

nbird - I am so sorry that happened to you and whilst i can understand totally how angry you feel and how much you must want that support right now, 1. you are in totally differnet positions - your xdh obviously has more money -the op herself has said he wont get another job which in the current climate has to be a major concern - most of us are hanging to the jobs we have. 2. Please dont take this the wrong way but surely by punishing your x for his - undoubtedly awful- behaviour you are also punishing your kids. Like i said i understand but i really feel strongly that it has to be about the kids first - not the adults regardless how badly they have behaved unless there is violence, neglect or abuse of some kind involved. He may only see one of his kids every couple of weeks but if he moves that daughter will see him even less - why are the other two more important then her? Its just such a difficult decision. I dont envy either of you.