Sorry, I'm not sure where I should post this so I hope it's OK here.
I'm not really sure where to start tbh, I'm in such a mess and I genuinely can't see any way out. I feel my life is spiraling completely out of control and I'm stuck between a rock and a hard space
It's new years eve and I should be happy but I'm absolutely dreading it getting to midnight. Like every other year for the past 3 - 4 years it will be the same thing, I'll be trying to avoid the midnight bongs and my h coming over to kiss me and wish me happy new year when for the past 3/4 years it's been anything but happy.
Every sodding year I convince myself that things will change and be better, that we'll be happy again but it doesn't it's just getting worse and all my fight has gone. I just can't / don't want things to get better anymore. Theres been so many broken promises and lies from h that I'm sick to the back teeth of listening to his half hearted promises to change and try harder year after year.
I'm 42 yrs old and I honestly feel like my life is over. We have 4 dc and I love each and every one of them to pieces but they and my work is the only thing that keeps me going day after day.
Theres so many things that get me down with h that I can't remember what it was that I fell for anymore, he's lazy, selfish, unloving, inconsiderate etc. He cheated on me just over 3 yrs ago and although I was rocked to the core by it we had been having a few problems prior to it and we decided to try to make things work between us.
Things have been pretty much up and down since with more downs than ups for me, h seems to have just moved on with things as if nothing ever happened and just slotted back into the same old ways, where as I made changes to the way I was. Taking more notice of him and showing more interest in his interests, being more open, loving and affectionate instead of working so hard, bottling things up and being caught up with the dc almost all the time.
Aside from the usual ups & downs of marriage over the past couple of yrs I've noticed that we have far less money to the point that we were really struggling to make ends meet. Don't get me wrong, we where never well off but things have now got out of control. I work full time and rent a space inside a larger store and although I don't make a fortune my job pays the bills. Or should I say did pay the bills.
H stopped work about 8 yrs ago due to injury and as we had young dc at the time we just seemed to fall into a situation where he was a SAHD and I worked which worked fine for both of us but as the dc are now older I expected him to go back to work at least part time if nothing else but he doesn't want to. I wouldn't mind so much if he at least did things around the house but he doesn't, so basically I have to work full time and keep house too
Now my problems have been added to by finding out we're (or rather I) am in debt. H can't get credit so I applied for an additional credit & store card on my accounts for him some time ago. These where used very rarely until the past couple of months. I've recently received letters from a debt collection agency from the store card saying that payment is over due and they are commencing with a ccj against me and a visa bill for over £3000. I've quizzed h about it and it appears he's been spending without my knowledge and paying bills with money drawn on the visa card.
It also appears that he's emptied his isa account of £3000 and blown that too. I can see that some of it has been used to pay rent, council tax etc on our house but the rest just appears to have been blown on crap or god knows what and know I'm left to pick up the pieces and I could now lose my business as money is so tight and I can't afford new stock etc.
I feel like I'm up shit creek without a paddle, he's doing nothing to help me and I'm stealing from peter to pay paul at the mo. I've told him that if he's just putting money away to leave then just to bloody well go or if he's spending it on some tart to get the hell out of my life as I'm not prepared to struggle to keep him and his tart happy but he swears blind theres no-one else, he loves me and can't bare the thought of life without me!!
Unfortunately I don't feel the same and although I've told him he just wont listen, he refuses point blank to leave and just keeps telling me he will change and I will love him again and trust him one day and that it will just take time.
What the hell am I supposed to do? I now have so much money going out to pay these debts on top of our usual bills that I can't move out, I have no savings now as I have had to draw everything I had left in my own isa out to keep the wolves from the door. I have no money for a deposit on anywhere else, it's also our dd 18th in a couple of month and now I can't even pay for a do for her I can't see any way out of this crap and although I'm fearful that things will just get worse financially if I stay with him I'm stuck in this situation unless a miracle happens.
Thank you if you've taken the time to read my ramblings I just don't have any where to turn and needed to let it all out before I break down in tears x
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Not such a happy new year :(
16 replies
crazychipmunk · 31/12/2008 16:20
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