MILs - Is it always all their fault?

[unavailable]

I may regret starting this, but here goes...

Since discovering mumsnet, I have been struck by how many "my MIL is the root of all evil" threads there are on here. There appear to be two main camps -

1. My MIL ignores me/ my dcs, or
2. My MIL interferes too much.

Am I alone in suspecting that in some cases, maybe it is the DILs problem, and that some MILs couldnt win whatever they do or dont do.

If some MILs have a problem detatching from their adult sons, maybe some wives have a problem with their dh having a caring relationship with their mothers?

What does anyone else think?

(BTW, this is not directed at any particular post - no hidden agenda.)

[bozza]

I agree with you. In some cases it is the MIL, in some cases it is the DIL, in most cases it is a bit of both. But obviously on MN we have a bit of a DIL bias going on.

There have been some threads on here moaning about MIL and I have thought it was the OP that was in the wrong. Not current ones BTW.

[crokky]

I think mums and MILs are the same - HOWEVER, it's the fact that if your own mother does something minor you don't like, you just say so and she doesn't do it again. Whereas if MIL does something you don't like, out of politeness, you don't say anything, but the resentment grows and festers out of all proportion!

Comments are usually directed at the woman, not the DH and your own mum brought you up so your views are more likely to be similar.

Just my opinion!

[WhereTheWildThingsWere]

I feel sorry for MILs sometimes and mine in particular.

When I had Ds who was my pfb, I was horrible to her and very controlling, now I have dd too and somehow I have seen the light, they are not just my children, though of course dp and myself are ultimatly responsible for them, they belong to the whole family, on both sides.

I am trying hard to get on with MIL now and let her have the relationship she wants with them.

All of us who have sons will probably be MILs one day, god help us, lets hope we can have a MILSNET as I think a lot of us would really struggle if we are treated the way we treat our MILs.

[Bucharest]

It's always my MIL's fault. She's a nutjob.
I can't speak for anyone else....but I do find it "interesting" that IRL you hardly get any cases of, say, SIL's having problems with their MIL's. Ergo, a lot of women have odd relationships with their sons. IMO.

[Upwind]

Agree, I often wonder what the MIL's side of the story is and how much of the bad feeling is prompted by the DIL.

[stillstanding]

But ultimately it comes down to the age-old "we are not all dolphins" and not all going to agree, no?

I suspect that I am pretty hard on my MIL and that my mum is allowed to get away with things that I would never let MIL get away with. Keep trying to remember that one day I will be the MIL but it is hard ...

[Bucharest]

I take it none of you have had your MIL go to the school you teach at and tell the headmistress you're a prostitute then?

[beanieb]

I think it is OFTEN the DIL's fault. So many women are so much happier with their own mother having a hands on approach with their children but seem to be outraged that their husband's mum might want to same.

I guess it's natural for a person to feel closer to their own mum, or to not be so sensitive twards things their own parents say and do but some of the posts on mumsnet seem to suggest that father's and their family shouldn't expect to have as much of an input into their grand children's lives.

[stillstanding]

True, mildmannered, every time I behave in a less than perfect way to MIL I think that my sins will be visited ten fold on me and try to imagine how I would feel if my future DILs behaved in the same way. And often it is not good ...

(Note to self: Must try harder)

[WhereTheWildThingsWere]

Bucharest really?

[beanieb]

Bucharest - obviously some people are mad and unfortunately sometimes they are your MIL!

[BoccaDellaVerita]

bucharest - Really? !!!!! Come to the tea room and tell all.

[princessx2]

Can I just buck the trend and say that my FIL is the problem? For the most part, my MIL is fine, FIL is just an insensitive and opinionated half-wit who just thinks of himself!

[stillstanding]

But beanieb that is the way of the world. A lot of women will be closer to their mother than to their MIL and the fact is that I want my mum's advice on childrearing as I know she did a jolly good job herself and I am (rightly or wrongly) a little about MIL's methods.

My MIL once said to me (she really is a very nice woman) that you can always just arrive at your daughter's house but you need to ask your DIL. And she is right. And there is no point resisting it.

[cheesesarnie]

i totally agree with op.obviously not all mil are great but then neither are all dil's.
i lost my lovely mil earlier this year.sometimes i read threads on here saying what horrible mil posters have(yes some do)sometimes i want to shout get over yourself-think yourself lucky.also sometimes i think its a case of the mil caring 'too much' and the dil not wanting her too.

we will be mil one dayim going to be awful-i can feel it!

[unavailable]

How shocking Bucharest! She sounds completely mad.

I am not denying that some MILS (yours, clearly) are completely out of order. But it did strike me how many of the MILs from hell threads I have seen on mumsnet. I dont ever remember seeing a similar thread about DILs.

[TheInvisibleManDidIt]

Really Bucharest?? . Wow, and I thought mine was bad.

The thing I don't undestand with my MIL is that she so often tells me how awful her Mil was, and how she made her life hell for so many years, then she turns round and does the same things to me.

She's actually been really nice recently, and I start to worry when she likes this, as it normally means there's something big brewing....

I hope to hell I don't turn out the same way!!

[BitOfFun]

Good Lord Alive Bucharest!!!

What on earth did you do?

[Bucharest]

Yes, she did, amongst other things....telling me I couldn't go back to the UK now I have a child (am in Italy, despite name!) and if my family wanted to see me they had to come here. Needless to say I haven't had ow't to do with her for 5 years....

I suppose the reason we hear so much about women and their MILs is that we are mostly women here......where's UnquietDad and the other chappies?

Bocca- what's the soup today? I've made a yummy gorgonzola and baked tomato tart....(tart, moi??? shall I bring it along?)

[BitOfFun]

What did the school say? How did you handle it?

[beanieb]

I have heard the phrase "A son is a son until he meets a wife, but a daughter's a daughter for the rest of her life" which I think is a little unfair!

[nowtygaffer]

Agree with OP. My SIL has a strange relationship with our MIL (we are married to 2 brothers). I think my MIL is in a difficult situation because she has been expected to provide childcare at the drop of a hat but at the same time my SIL complains that she sees too much of her!